


For My People, And Yours

by AnRkey_o2



Series: Scars From The Ground [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Commander Lexa, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Grounder Culture, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Love, Minor Character Death, Politics, Romance, The Ark Station, Trigedasleng, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:31:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 94,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7618195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnRkey_o2/pseuds/AnRkey_o2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something strange is happening to Clarke, something she doesn't understand. It's going to change her life, again. She wants nothing more than to save her friends. But the Heda, the Commander of the twelve clans, has ignited something within her, she can't explain why she is so interested in the woman, why it hurts to be away from her. Only by working with the Grounders can Clarke keep her friends safe... But is there room for her by Lexa's side?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to Polis

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is my first ever go at posting my work on any platform. I'll be sure to add more tags and things as they become relevant.  
> I'm not following canon and there is one major difference, but i will be using a handful of plot points from the show.  
> Don't be afraid to give me suggestions and let me know what you think of the story, Enjoy
> 
> So I'm back, running through and doing some editing and then I'll add new chapters... Sorry for the hiatus

The bright white lights illuminated the sterile operating room as Abby prepared herself. It was a simple procedure, something any of the doctors could perform, but she had insisted that it be her.

The patient, a teenage girl from the SkyBox, the juvenile holding cells, was lying face down on the operating table; they'd taken her from her cell while she slept, keeping her asleep with periodic spurts of knockout gas. If all went as planned then she would never know anything had happened.

Abby picked up a scalpel and stood over the girl, begging for forgiveness as she pressed the blade to her skin and made an inch long incision to the base of her neck. Then she opened a small metal box and lifted the chip out of its casing, ignoring its menacing black tint. All she had to do was hold the chip out over the cut, and sensing the acceptable host, it activated.

Small wires uncoiled from the chip and snaked into the open wound in the girls neck, connecting to her nervous system, melding with her mind. Abby made quick work of the wound, closing it and, stepping back to admire her handiwork. With any luck the girl wouldn't even feel the scar. The doctor cleaned her up and rolled her gently onto the gurney, her golden curls, so much like her father's, splayed around her face.

“I hope one day, you'll be able to forgive me, Clarke.” She whispered, her hand cupping the unconscious girls cheek as she bent down and gently kissed her forehead. Her daughter was then whisked away by the guard and she choked back a sob. It was a near impossible task, but if anyone could do it, it was Clarke.

 **7 MONTHS LATER**  
The muggy heat of the day pressed relentlessly against my chest, making it difficult to breathe. The harsh sunlight above was penetrating the thick canopy and sending green tinged beams into the forest. Sweat was running down my face as I crouched against the rough bark of a tree, desperately trying to breathe the seemingly solid air as quietly as possible.

They had almost caught me. It was always a risk leaving the drop-site, but we were running dangerously low on food. I had been with Octavia and Bellamy, carefully making out way through the woods, looking for small game. Stupidly, we followed some tracks that seemed to belong to a rabbit. Seconds before we walked into the ambush, Octavia saw it for what it was. We split up. Octavia and Bellamy heading one way, while I went another.

The Grounders realized almost immediately and two went after my friends while two more chased after me. All I had was a makeshift spear and a few seconds head-start. I knew the savages were right behind me, but I could barely hear their footfalls as we raced through the trees. An arrow whizzed dangerously close to my left ear, but I refused to look back.

When the trees started to thicken around me, I knew it was my only chance. Zig-zagging around thick trunks to throw them off, I managed to get a second where I was out of sight. I dived behind a tree, ignoring the stitch in my side and getting my spear ready. They came on either side of my hiding spot. The one on the left was smaller by far, holding his bow up, poised to fire. The man on the right was nearly twice my size, his muscles large and bulging, a nasty jagged blade in his right hand.

It only takes me the space of a heart-beat to make my decision, pull my arm back and let the spear fly. It hits its target, piercing through the man's back and erupting through his chest. The boy's bow fell to the forest floor and a garbled moan escapes his lips. I don't wait to watch him fall or to see the reaction of the second savage. I swing around the tree and sprint back the way I came, dodging trees and leaping over roots.

The man thunders behind me, making a lot more noise than he usually would in his anger; but he's slower than his fallen friend and with each step i'm gaining ground.Still he doesn't relent, probably thinking that i'll eventually tire, allowing him to catch up... he's most likely right. I scan the forest desperately as I run, looking for anything that can help me outsmart the brute that's tracking me.

I don't see my hiding spot as much as fall into it face-first. I scrambled frantically, trying to get my feet under me again before realizing that i'm in a natural ditch, almost completely concealed by a bush that has grown out over the gap. I lean against a tree trunk, groping around me until my fingers close around a fallen branch. Then I wait.

But when I finally hear the near silent tread of Grounder boots, it is not one lone savage, but three. I find comfort in only one thing when I realize this; Octavia and Bellamy may have gotten away or made it back to the ship before these two could catch them. I can hear them getting closer, not speaking to one another, but still moving in perfect unison.

They stop just above me, splitting up, one set of boots moving around the back of my tree, another picking his way into my ditch from the other side. The third seemed to stay where he was. I closed my eyes as I toke a breath. It's hopeless... but that doesn't mean i'll go down without a fight. I open my eyes and silently straighten, gripping my thick branch in both hands. A second later, a woman rounds the tree, her sword raised.

Her eyes widened when she saw me, but before she can react, wood connects with her skull. I flinch at the dull 'thunk' that sends her eyes rolling into the back of her head and the woman crumpling into a heap at my feet. I bend down to pry her sword from her grip, but i'm knocked forward, tumbling over the unconscious body and loosing my branch as my hands fly forward to break my fall.

Pain lances up my left arm but I ignore it as I flip around to face my attacker. It was the Grounder that chased me, fury and hate in his eyes. As I scramble backwards on my hands and feet. Another man joins him and I swallow hard. The first savage stepped forward, his sword raised, but at a grunt from the second in that harsh tongue, he stops. My eyes shoot to the other Grounder: apparently, i'm not to be harmed.

I spare half a second to wonder why that is but then my attention captured once again. From the back of his belt the second man, clearly the one in charge, pulls a length of rope and a rough brown sack. Muscles swings his boot into my ribs, forcing me over onto my stomach, biting back my scream. My arms are wrenched behind my back roughly, my left protesting, and my wrists are bound together. I nearly cry out in pain as the rope is yanked and I am pulled to my feet.

Then the world goes black as the sack is shoved down over my head.

 

Stone floors beneath my feet, the sounds and smells of the forest far behind me. None of my captors had said a word to me as they'd dragged me blindly toward our destination. They seemed to be fond of shoving me along, lifting me by my elbow when I inevitably lost my footing. About three or four hours into the trek, the heat of the sun had disappeared, the ground had firmed and I could hear our breaths echoing off stone walls.

I assumed we had entered some kind of cave system. They led me on a twisting route, obviously designed to disorient me, before we finally went through a set of heavy doors that scraped along stone floors as they were opened. Next came endless flights of stairs, my tired, battered and bruised legs screaming with each step. When we stopped rather abruptly I was pushed face-first into a rough stone wall, while one of our group had gone through a set of doors to my right.

I leaned gratefully against the cool wall, using it to hold my body weight, giving my tortured legs some much needed relief. All too soon the doors opened once again and I was pulled and pushed into the room unceremoniously. A hard boot connected with the backs of my knees, causing me to fall forward onto them on what felt like tile. I hissed quietly at the shooting pain.

A woman's clear, demanding voice rang through the room before the bag was pulled off my head. I blinked rapidly as my eyes adjusted to the firelight that flooded the room, emanating from numerous torches and candles. The room was reasonably large and I was kneeling in the center of an isle that ran down the middle of the space, leading straight to a raised platform. On the platform was a small group of people; three men and a woman.

Two of the men stood toward the front, one on wither side, both heavily armed and clad in leather and armor, sporting fierce grimaces. The third stood in the back and to the left of what could only be described as a throne. It was a large, regal looking chair of solid wood. The back and arms were carved to look like twisting branches, creating a large tree-like sculpture. In the throne sat a beautiful young woman who couldn't have been much older than me.

Her prominent cheekbones and captivating forest green eyes were painted with Kohl in a haunting design, like streaks of tears and blood down her cheeks, warpaint, I noted. She had long brown hair, lighter flecks working through in places, the majority of her mane held back by a series of intricate braids. She sat casually, her legs crossed at the knee, and yet carried an undeniable air of authority as she twirled a dagger in her fingers. Armor of leather and metal covered her shoulders and arms, and leather boots stretched up her calves.

My breath caught in my throat as I looked up at her, she looked like some kind of angel of death and my heart jumped at the sight. Her eyes locked onto mine for a long moment before she spoke;  
“Your name?” she asked almost leisurely. I schooled my features into neutrality as I realized she was studying my reactions.  
“Clarke,” I answered, willing my voice to be clear and confident, “Clarke Griffin”  
The smallest of smirks tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Welcome to Polis, Clarke Griffin.” Her hard tone sent shivers down my spine. “I am Lexa, Commander of the twelve clans. There is much to discuss before your execution.”


	2. War Is Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is equal parts intrigued, angry and frightened, as she speaks with the shockingly beautiful Commander of the Grounders. But can they come to an agreement, or will Clarke sign her own death warrant... and those of her people.

My heart thumped against my rib cage as flames seemed to race through my veins. My fingers twitched behind my back but I kept my expression blank, looking up into the steady green eyes of the Commander. I could tell she was watching my every move, analyzing my reaction to her casual announcement of my scheduled death. I stayed silent as she sat up straighter in her elaborate throne.

"You, Clarke Griffin, are here because my scouts have observed you as the leader of your people.” Her cool, velvet tone only fed the fire raging within me as she held my gaze, “They say that the others refer to you as their 'Princess'. Do you deny this, Clarke?” Her tongue clicked as she said my name and I ground my teeth, fuming at the superiority dripping from her voice.  
“They do.” I tried to control the anger rising in my chest, but the reply came out as a snarl regardless. Still, I hoped that if they believed me to be royalty, if these savages could comprehend such things, then maybe they'd treat me as more of an equal. That hope was quickly dashed when I saw the Commanders eyes flash triumphantly.  
“So, as their leader, you take responsibility for their actions?”

She had effectively backed me into a corner, her face stony, but her lips twitching with the ghost of a smirk. My pulse crashed against my skull as I worked to loosen my jaw.  
“And what actions are you referring to, Commander?” I finally asked through my teeth. The woman uncrossed her long legs, the hand twirling her dagger flashing down, the blade sinking into the wooden arm on the throne. I refused to flinch or lower my eyes as she stared at me.

“The murder of my people.” She spat, fury coating her words, “Trespassing on our lands, attacking our villages, kidnapping and torturing my warriors!” She was breathing heavily and I couldn't stop the small smile of satisfaction that crossed fleetingly over my features.

“Commander,” I started, struggling to keep my voice level and calm, “We killed only in self-defense, to survive. Your people attacked us only hours after we landed-”  
“Crashed," she snarled, “ destroying our land, disrupting our hunting grounds, and raining fire on our homes.” I couldn't help it, the fire that had been burning within me, bubbled up in my chest.  
“We had no choice!” I growled, starting to rise to my feet only to be roughly pushed back to my knees. We were locked into the ship and shot down by the rest of our people. They expected us to die the moment we set foot on the ground. We did what we had to do to survive, I will not apologize for that.”

Her steady gaze gave nothing away as she looked me over.  
“Leave us.” she commanded, her tone dangerously subdued. My escorts quickly complied, leaving silently without a second thought, her guards promptly following suit. But the third man hesitated, lingering by her throne, looking as though he wished to argue. “I said, leave us.” He nodded once, his mouth in a tight line before he walked briskly toward the door. He spared me a final hateful glance before exiting and closing the doors behind him.

The Commander plucked the dagger from the arm of her throne with ease and rose gracefully to her feet. Her armored coat landed at the backs of her knees, a blood red cape following it down and I hated myself for noticing how perfectly it fit her lithe form. She took slow, purposeful steps and soon she was less than a meter from me, an unreadable expression on her young, beautiful, yet hard face. Slowly she walked to my right, my head turning as I tried to keep her in my line of sight until I was looking at her over my shoulder.She crouched down at my back and I felt a slight pressure against my bindings before her dagger sliced through and the ropes fell to the floor.

A small sigh of relief escaped my lips before I could silence it and I brought my arms around, my left clicking painfully, rubbing feeling back into my raw wrists. The Commander resumed her circuit until she stood in front of me again.  
“You may stand if you wish, Clarke.” she says, and her voice had changed. It was still strong, commanding and like velvet against my skin, but there was the slightest tinge of weariness to it now.

With as much dignity as I can muster, I rise shakily to my feet, my muscles protesting the strain, my head cocking slightly as I took in the Commander.  
“My people saw you fall from the sky,” she starts, examining her dagger with feigned interest. “They are calling you Skaikru, Sky People... You are strange and new, they know nothing of you, and so they fear you and call for justice for your peoples crimes. Unfortunately, Clarke,” her eyes lift, capturing mine, a strange sadness radiating from them, “that means war.”

I was taken aback by her blunt honesty, the obvious distaste she had for her statement, and for a moment I couldn't find any words. My mind turned over, there had to be a way out of this, another solution. There were hundreds, if not thousands of Grounders, and each one was a much better fighter than any of us. Even with our advanced weaponry, we would barely survive a battle, let alone a war.  
“There has to be another way...” I said quietly, pleading as I searched the Commanders face, “Some way that my people can live peacefully with yours...”

She sighed heavily as she turned away from me, stepping onto the platform and approaching an open window, sheer curtains billowing in the night breeze as she examined the stars.  
“Please, Commander, I'd do anything to ensure my friends survive.”  
“You will not like it, Clarke.” she warned.

I took a deep breath and cautiously walked a few paces closer, now level with her throne.  
:”Tell me.” I was surprised with how firm my voice was, despite the racing of my heart and the trembling of my hands.  
“Your death... my people would accept your death as payment for the crimes of those you command.” She turned to face me, and I thought I saw pain in her piercing green eyes. “Your people would be absorbed into our coalition and they will be forgiven for everything they have done. But I have to warn you, Clarke...It would not be a quick or easy death, it is a long, excruciating ritual, more painful than you could ever imagine.”

A chill settled over my me, chasing away the remnants of burning anger and numbing my body. Still, I didn't hesitate as I looked directly at the Commander, squaring my shoulders, trying to look much braver than I felt.  
“I would willingly give my life so that my friends could live, Commander... As long as their safety was assured.” I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and refused to look away, to show any sign of weakness.  
“Your people would be under my protection Clarke, I would let no harm befall them... Providing they comply with our laws” I believed her for some reason that I couldn't fully grasp, a nagging tug blossoming to life in my chest.

But... 'providing they comply'. My friends weren't the type to roll over and do what they're told. And even if most of them did, there was still Finn, Bellamy, Raven, and so many more who would never accept the Grounders way of life. If I were to accept this offer, if I were to lay my life down to save my people, how many would actually survive? How many would bow to this intimidating woman and 'comply', and how many would end up just like me? Tortured to death in order to teach our friends a lesson.  
“There will be those who will... disagree with the arrangement.” I warned her, wanting her to confirm my suspicions  
“They will be dealt with under our laws. Those who act against me, would be killed for treason. Any rebellion would not last long.” My heart froze, stopped the rapid beat it had kept up the entire time I'd been in the throne room, my blood turning to ice as the Commander explained. She had spoken so emotionlessly, as though killing anyone who disagreed with her was a common occurrence. My fingers curled into white-knuckled fists that I struggled to keep at my sides and I could feel my features shift into an icy stare.

"You would kill them?” I asked, my voice unsteady.  
“To enforce order, yes.” her brow quirked as she assessed my sudden change in demeanor, her grip tightening on the handle of her dagger. These people were savages, and I had forgotten that as I'd spoken to this resplendent warrior with her bewitching emerald eyes.

“No,” I decided, taking a step away from the woman, even as my body begged to get closer. “I will not put them at your mercy.”  
“You would condemn them, all of them, to death, because you do not like the way I ensure obedience?” Her tone was crisp, dripping with barely contained fury, her eyes flashing dangerously. It felt as though something inside me was trying to break through my chest as I met her eyes in a battle of wills, but I pushed it to the back of my mind, needing to make things clear.

“No, Commander. But we will fight for our right to survive. If that means fighting a war that we can't hope to win, then that's what we'll have to do.”  
A fresh wave of anger blazed in her eyes as she surveyed me. I was prepared for her to strike me down, to sink her dagger into my chest and let me bleed out on the tiled floor, but she didn't move.  
“Your weakness for your people will mean your death, Clarke, all your deaths. Are you able to live with that decision, to watch them all die before you, while you are kept alive, forced to watch?”  
I didn't answer at first, instead, thinking of everyone back at the drop ship, everything we'd had to do to survive as long as we had. And I knew that there was no way they'd go down without a fight.  
“To give them a chance to live freely,,, yes, Commander, it is a fate I will endure.”

 

I woke hours later in familiar forest. As I pushed myself up, I stumbled on my aching legs, catching myself on the trunk of a tree. In the distance I could see the drop ship through the thinned out canopy, wincing as pain shot through my skull. The Commanders guards must have knocked me out before bringing me back... Why had they brought me back?

But I knew the answer, I grudginly admitted to myself as I carefully picked my way back to our perimeter wall. War was coming, I had been sent to prepare my soldiers for their fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so thanks for your encouragement and comments, Please leave your comments, suggestions and anything else you'd like for me, it's a great motivator to know that people are enjoying my work.  
> (Thanks to something that Jude81 pointed out, i have changed the conversation a little bit. I hope it makes Clarke's choice a little clearer for everyone.)


	3. And So We Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's back at camp and she's brought bad news. When she tells everyone else what the Commander has offered, will they react the way she thought they would, or will everything go terribly wrong.  
> And Finn has a surprise for Clarke, but can she face him?

Four days. Four _long_ days. Long, tedious, nerve-wracking days. That's how long it had been since I made it back to the ship, ignoring everyone”s questions about what happened, and pulling Bellamy aside to tell him everything. We agreed quickly that everyone needed to know what was coming, but when I suggested that we tell them about the Commanders offer, he shot me down abruptly.

“You can't do that Clarke.” he hissed angrily, grabbing my elbow and pushing me roughly into his tent. “It's not an option! We've given too much to give in to them like that.” His voice was no more than a whisper.  
“Exactly Bellamy!” I snapped, pulling free of his tight grasp and pointing at the entrance of the tent, “They've been through too much. I can put a stop to all of that. I can give them peace, or the closest thing to it. I think they deserve to know what and why they'll be fighting, don't you?”

He glared at me and I glared right back, stubbornly refusing to back down. Finally, he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.  
“Fine Princess,” he said, turning to leave the claustrophobic space, “have it your way.” I followed him out into the middle of the camp, my shoulders set in determination, my heart beating erratically, my mind made up. I knew it could backfire. I knew that all these people could turn on me when I offered them the chance. But, if I were in their position, I would want to know, and after I'd led them to this point, I felt I owed it to them.

“Everybody listen up!” Bellamy bellowed across the camp. All around us people stopped what they were doing to turn and listen, a handful walked out of the drop ship, and a few heads poked out of the tents scattered haphazardly around the camp. The dull chatter that had filled the camp just moments before had died down so that everyone could hear what was being said. “Princess here has something you all need to hear.” hushed whispers broke out along the lines but it quickly died out again as I stepped forward.

And so I told them. I told them where I was taken, I told them about the Commander, and I told them about the war she planned to wage against us. Then, bracing myself for whatever their reaction may be, I told them about her offer.  
“The Commander said there was only one way to avoid this war.” I said, looking into the faces of each of my friends. “We surrender to her rule and join her coalition-”

There was an instant uproar of protests and questions. I waited, but when the crowd didn't settle, their voices rising steadily in volume, I put two fingers in my mouth and whistled.  
“There's more...” I admitted once they'd stopped shouting. “In order for the peace that joining the Grounders would bring, justice must be served for those we've killed.” I could sense the oncoming outburst and raised my hand to silence it before continuing. “I must give myself over to them. My sentence will be death.”

In complete contrast to moments before, it was utterly silent. The wind, trees and crackling fire the only indication that the world was still spinning.  
“If that is what you want, if you want the fighting to stop, then I'll do it..” I called into the unnerving silence.

Bellamy stared around the camp, taking in the battered and bruised teenagers around us, all of us playing at adult.  
“I know we're tired.” He yelled out clearly, “We've lost too much, buried too many friends, been forced to kill to survive... But we didn't ask to be dropped into this hell-hole. We didn't ask the Grounders to start murdering us.” His voice was getting steadily louder as he roared with undeniable passion, everyone's attention now solely on him. “This is our home now! And I say, let them come!”  
“Yeah!” The crowd cheered in unison.  
“Let them try to take what we've built with our own hands in blood, sweat and tears! Enough of us have been lost and if they want any more of us then they're going to have a hell of a fight on their hands!”

As everyone shouted out in agreement, an animal-like chant starting up, I couldn't help but marvel at the way Bellamy had manipulated the situation. He had turned a dubious group of individuals, into a fervent and united assemblage. It was a skill he had used more than once and I was sure he would need to use it again one day.

Since then we'd been preparing ourselves as best we could. We were stocking up on food, packing rations into hand-made backpacks. Raven and Jasper had been making gunpowder and bullets while Bellamy had led another raid on the bunker and returned with more guns and a duffel bag filled with ammunition, half of which were duds. Others were strengthening the walls, digging a deep trench around the camp filled with sharpened branches, and building a well concealed back exit that we could use to retreat if and when we could no longer hold the ship. Monty was working day and night to build as many radios as he could out of the bits and pieces of electronics that he could find.

But I knew none of it would be enough. We would all fight, and we'd keep fighting until there was no one left... But we weren't going to survive this.

As the sun set on that fourth day I sat in one of our crude sentry posts in a tree that acted as a post of our wall. My gun was resting in my lap but still pointed out toward the forest. Behind me the camp was still busy, the smell of roasting meat wafting up to tease me. At any time the Grounders could attack and destroy it all. Even though everyone talked and laughter permeated the camp, the atmosphere was hushed, tense.

I hated myself for letting them do this, but it was no use turning myself in if they would all just fight anyway. I would die for nothing and all these kids, my friends, my people, would quickly follow.

Still, there had to be a better way, something I could do to keep them all safe. The Commander, Lexa her name was, while hard, didn't seem entirely unreasonable. She seemed to despise the idea of pointless bloodshed as much as I did, well what she considered pointless. I knew that if I could just come up with a third option, something that would placate the Grounders and my friends at the same time, then Lexa may consider it.

My mind wandered as the forest darkened, floating away from the impending attack and landing on the one thing I had been unable to get out of my mind since i'd gotten back from Polis. There was something about her; beyond her beauty, those stunning green eyes, the impossibly long chocolate waves,her perfectly toned body, or even the nearly imperceptible twitch of her lips; that had thoroughly captured my attention. No, there was something more, like a primal urge drawing me to her, making me want, no – need, to learn more, to be near her, to hear her voice.

There was movement among the trees, shocking me from my thoughts, and I cursed myself for my carelessness. I saw it again a moment later, relief washing over me as I recognized the small, rabbit-sized flash of brown fur flitting through the trees. I couldn't afford to let myself be distracted, especially by the Commander. All the people in the camp behind me were relying on me, trusting me to get them through this mess. Disappointing them was not an option.

A few hours later Harper climbed up next to me and offered me a plate of food. I sat with her while I ate, even though she was taking over for me. It was easy to talk to Harper, she was a very calming presence and even silences weren't too awkward. Once I finished eating and was about to climb down, she stuck out her hand and stopped me.  
“We would never give you up, Clarke.” she assured me with a concerned look, “We only got this far because of you, and I know that I'm going to need you around to keep fighting.” I was touched by her confession. I hadn't realized how much I needed to hear the words until she'd said them, a little bit of the oppressive weight I'd been carrying lifted from my shoulders.

I nodded gratefully and gave her a small smile, not trusting my voice, before continuing my climb down  
“Oh, and Finn was looking for you.” She called down after me.

A small pang of guilt pulled at my heart at the thought of Finn. There was no reason to actually feel guilty, we weren't actually together, and even if we were, I hadn't done anything. I'd been avoiding him for days but I went looking for him now, knowing i'd have to face him eventually.

Finn and I had been hooking up, never actually discussing what we were to each other. I cared about him, a lot, but not as much as he cared for me. I could see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, hear it in his voice... he was falling for me. The thing was, I didn't know if I could ever feel the same way about him. Still, I liked the way I felt when I was around him, the way he understood my thoughts, the way he could take away all the pressure, even if it were only for a few moments at a time.

I was about to give up and crawl into a sleeping bag when he appeared from behind a tent, running straight into me. He caught my arms as I stumbled back, steadying me and flashing me his charming grin. I smiled back up at him.  
“Hey Princess.” he said cheerfully, “There's something I want to show you.” All I really wanted was to curl up somewhere warm and let sleep claim me, but I found myself stringing my gun over my shoulder and following Finn through our newly constructed exit, and into the forest.

We walked carefully through the dark forest, the trees growing progressively more dense around us. Suddenly, Finn stopped at a line of trees and walked around to my back with a playful smile, folding his hands gently over my eyes. I allowed a soft laugh to escape my lips as he edged us through the trees.  
“What are you doing, Finn?”  
“Shh, you'll see in a second.” he whispered into my ear.

The sound of crashing water filled my head and a cool summer breeze swept over us as we broke through the tree line. The forest floor beneath my feet changed abruptly to loose gravel and we stopped. His hands slowly peeled away from my face, sliding down my shoulders and arms and finding their way to my hips.

I couldn't help but gasp as I took in the scene before me. We were standing at the top of a cliff, a sudden and unnatural drop of dizzying height, most likely created during the war, leading to a large pool of water below. Surrounding the small lake was yet more lush green forest, a worn road following the curves of a narrow river, ending at a village, the tops of thatch roofs all that was visible in the moonlight. Beside us a river ran to the jagged rocky edge, a rushing waterfall bubbling and crashing over the cliff face.

The moon sat low in the sky, a bright orb of pure white light, illuminating the night and casting a mystical glow across the treetops. Fireflies began to float through the air, small glowing pinpricks against the night sky, already littered with millions of stars.

I couldn't take my eyes off of the sight before us, trying to memorize every detail of the picture perfect scene. I sighed wistfully at the wild beauty of the world cast in silver light, my fingers twitching for my lost art supplies.

I'd almost forgotten Finn when his arms wrapped around my middle, pulling me flush against his chest, his lips brushing softly against the pulse in my neck. I leaned into him, my right hand reaching back to cup his cheek.  
“Thank you...” I whispered, feeling as though I could never find the right words to do the image justice.  
“Any time, Princess.” Finn husked as he spun me around in his arms and pressed his lips tenderly to mine. I wished the sweet kiss sent the same thrill through me as it had the week before, but my chest ached for the lips of another and i couldn't force feelings that were no longer there.

Our moment was then obliterated by the loudest, gut-wrenching explosion I'd ever heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone for reading and commenting. i hope ou're enjoying it


	4. From The Mountain To The Ground

Smoke. A thick black haze, dancing through the night, slowly blotting out the moon as it rose higher and higher, falling over us like a blanket. Flames, orange and hot, jumping from hut to tree indiscriminately, licking against rough bark. Heart-wrenching screams, echoed up the face of the cliff, piercing my skull and bringing tears to my eyes. Finn and I stood frozen in shock, the world below us blown apart.

Finn's arms went slack around me and dropped from my waist as he stepped up to the edge of the cliff, jaw open, eyes glazed as though in a trance, I wasn't much better... One second we'd been holding each other, gazing out at the forest below, debating whether or not we could risk a few more minutes away from the drop-ship, the next we'd stared on helplessly while a large metal cylinder shot out of Mount Weather and hurtled into the sleeping village.

The resulting explosion had shaken the ground, large chunks of rock breaking from the cliff and plummeting into the water below. A wave of heat and dust buffeted us as we watched giant lumps of debris shoot into the air and fall back down to earth, crushing everything in the way as they went. The blast tore at trees, sending rocks and branches ricocheting into what was left standing.

It was then that the world erupted into deafening thunder. The sound more torturous than the sight as first the explosion and then the pained wails washed over us, burrowing through our ears and filling my head.

I couldn't believe what i'd seen. A missile had flown from the mountain, the empty military bunker we had never actually reached. I couldn't process it. I couldn't understand. Had the Grounders somehow gotten into the mountain and shot at their own people? That wasn't possible though, they had such a distrust toward our technology, they would never be able to use a missile array, especially not on one of their own villages.

it was a moment before my mind registered the sound of people crashing through the brush behind us. In the span of a heartbeat my gun was aimed as I spun around, my eyes raking over the shadowy tree line. I spotted them then, four small figures, too small to be adults, one barely out of infancy. They were crouched by the trunk of a large tree, their eyes big and fearful.

The oldest, maybe twelve years, was pushing the other three behind her, frantically trying to go back the way they had come. Slowly, so I didn't scare them further, I raised my hand, carefully handing the gun to Finn. I took a tentative step forward and cringed as the girl tripped backwards, stumbling into the others.  
“It's okay,” I tried in the most soothing voice I could muster, “We won't hurt you.”

The toddler, a little boy with curly black hair, started crying and the girl didn't even think twice before spinning around and scooping him into her arms. Just as quickly, she was facing me again.  
“Is it gone?” She asked, her voice shaking ever so slightly as she fought to stay strong.

My heart broke and a lump formed in my throat as I glanced over my shoulder at the wreckage of the village. These kids must have been from that village. Someone must have sent them up here so that they were a safe distance from the devastating destruction below and the explosion that preceded it. I nodded sadly as I looked back at the children.

I could see every emotion as it crossed the poor girls features; sadness, fear, pain, anger; each no more than a fleeting glimpse before she squared her shoulders and plastered a look of sheer determination on her face. The boy in her arms started to cry again and the little girl clinging to her leg joined in now.  
“Are you alone?” I asked softly, knowing the answer but hoping I was wrong.  
“Yes...” She admitted, bouncing the boy gently, “Our father – he went back t-to help...”

I knelt down and beckoned them to me. After a moments hesitation, the girl took her little sisters hand and started forward. But the fourth kid, a boy of about nine, hung back, determined disgust etched on his small features, his balled up fists shaking in anger.

Finn placed the gun on the ground beside me as the girls reached me, and started toward the boy.  
“Get away, Skaikru!” He spat, taking a step back. I took the little girl in my arms as she cringed at her brothers harsh tone.  
“I'm only trying to help.” Finn said gently, undeterred. The boy hesitated, but eventually started to step towards out small group, his fists still stubbornly clenched at his sides.

My sigh of relief was cut off abruptly when an arm clad in green fabric shot out of the darkness and hooked around the boys neck. He let out a strangled yelp and started to struggle as he was dragged back against the body of a tall man.

He was wearing something that resembled a hazmat suit, an automatic rifle in his other hand. The gun was aimed directly at Finns chest. I could just make out two more figures emerging through the smoky haze as Finn raised his hands, palms forward, into the air.

“You're all coming with us.” The soldier grunted as his friends flanked him. The little girl in my arms was sobbing uncontrollably, her face buried in my hair. Using her small form to conceal my movement I reached my right hand down, my fingers curling around the handle of my own rifle.  
“Let the kid go and step back!” A woman barked, her voice coming from the soldier on the right. She must have seen me move and become suspicious.

“Who are you?” Finn asked the soldiers, trying to draw the attention away from me and the kids. In the dark I couldn't see the man's face through the plastic of his helmet, but I could practically hear his smirk.

“Mount Weather Security Detail.” He recited in a practiced tone. Mount Weather? As in the abandoned mountain that had just destroyed a peaceful village? Apparently, it wasn't as empty as we were led to believe.

"I need you to stand with your sister for a minute, honey.” I whispered into the trembling five-year-olds ear. She looked up at me questioningly, but the older girl pulled her over wrapping her arms around the other girl, half concealing her with her body. I stayed where I was, the female soldier's gun still pointed at me, my weapon now visible to her.  
“Throw the gun to me, now!” she barked harshly.

I looked up from my crouch to see the third man closing in on the huddled children. Finn caught my eye and in that split second understanding passed between us. He struck out, tackling the man to the ground, the soldier loosing his grip on his gun and the boy as he fell. I didn't waste any time as the woman's eyes flashed toward the commotion, my gun swinging up to fire two shots into the third man's chest.

He screamed with pain, pain that didn't match a bullet wound. The kids scrambled away from his writhing form, putting as much distance as they could between themselves and his gurgling cries. I stared at his twitching body in complete shock, not understanding what had caused his reaction.

But my lack of focus was rewarded with the butt of the woman's gun connecting with my jaw, knocking me to the ground and sending my rifle skittering across the gravel. Propped on my freshly grazed hands I spat out a mouthful of blood and turned to see her standing over me. The barrel of her gun was leveled at my eyes.

For the first time I noticed the tank strapped to her back, a meter around her forearm, both connected to the suit by thin metal tubes. I filed the information away to analyze at a time when there wasn't a gun pointed at my face.

I couldn't see her face, but I stared at her, practically daring her to pull the trigger when my lip curled up over my teeth in a feral growl. I could hear Finn and the first man brawling by the trees and just hoped that he could give the Grounder children enough time to run.

Just as the thought crossed my mind a fist-sized rock sailed through the air and collided with the woman's skull with a satisfying thunk. From the corner of my eye i could see the older girl lunging to pull her sister back to her. The woman swayed and stumbled a step, I used the opportunity to raise a leg and kick her firmly in the chest, knocking her back. She lost her footing and fell on the river bank, half her body lying in the steadily flowing water. I dived for my gun, seeing Finn atop the soldier from the corner of my eye. The boy was there with them, tugging at the man's helmet with everything he had.

Clutching my gun, I sprang to my feet and spun back to the woman. She wasn't moving, but I could tell she was still breathing from the erratic rise and fall of her chest. A faint whistle was coming from her suit, barely audible over the water and commotion behind me. I turned on my heel and walked toward the three struggling bodies, clicking a bullet into the chamber and watching as they all froze at the sound.

Finn looked up at me in relief and untangled himself. The remaining soldier stayed on the ground, breathing heavily but otherwise unwilling to move. The boy had stopped in his tracks too, his small fingers digging into the bottom of the helmet with a death grip. I was about to call him over to us when he moved again. He pulled hard at the helmet, his muscles straining as he grunted. He only struggled for a second though, before he tore the soldiers helmet from his head.

It was almost instantaneous. The man spun around with wild, fearful eyes, groping desperately for the boy, But he had leaped back, just out of reach and threw the piece of the suit into the trees.

Then the screaming started. Blisters, large, red and angry were starting to sprout across his exposed flesh. As we watched, too horrified to move, they grew until they burst. He collapsed, spasming in the loose gravel. I made to step forward, not knowing how I could possibly help, but feeling as though I should be doing something, but Finn held out a hand, stopping me.  
“It's too late, Princess...” he said, his voice empty. Sure enough, when I turned back, the soldier had gone still.

I'd seen it before, on the Ark, but never this bad. We had been mostly protected by the thick hull of the space station, but occasionally, when there was a particularly nasty solar flare, an unlucky few caught a dose of radiation. The radiation poisoning was manageable because it only did minimal damage, but this...

The people from the mountain couldn't withstand the radiation of the ground. Their suits protected them, gave them purified oxygen and kept out the radiated air. It kept them alive and if there was even the smallest tear...

I was already turning when I heard the warning;  
“Look out.” I was just in time to see the woman, back on her feet, her gun in her hand, heavy, rasping breaths coming from her. She was tilting slightly, but her gun was steady as she raised it and aimed straight at the boy.

I didn't waste time thinking. My gun dropped from my hand as I lurched toward him, pushing the Grounder into the gravel just as the shattering crack of gunfire filled the air. My right shoulder was jerked back, upsetting my balance and sending me tumbling into the trees. Within a second Finn had scooped up the gun and fired. The woman collapsed in a writhing heap, the glass of her helmet destroyed, littered around her.

The world spun, my shoulder burned, the edges of my vision blurred, noises faded, and darkness enveloped my mind.


	5. Maybe Your People Are Wrong

Sweet unconsciousness. The black abyss that blocked out the pain gave me a momentary reprieve from reality. It wouldn't last, it couldn't last, I had far too much to do and knew my sleep would soon end.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the gentle squeeze of another hand on mine. I turned my head with a weak smile, expecting to see Finn or Bellamy comforting me, instead it was Lexa. The Commander was beautiful and strong beside me, her face clear of her war paint, body free of armor, her hand molding perfectly around my own.

My smile widened as we looked at each other, a strange warmth spreading from the center of my chest out into my extremities. She was speaking to me but there was no sound... it didn't matter, just being close to her made me feel better. It felt as though I was meant to be here, we were meant to be here. I sighed happily, it felt  _right..._

 

We were still in the forest when I woke up, The dull, hazy morning light told me there was still about an hour until the sun rose properly. My shoulder was on fire, each breath sending sharp, nauseating pain lancing through my arm and chest. It was distracting enough that it took me a moment to realize that the boy was sitting by my head, his knees tucked into his chest, his eyes fixed on the forest around us.

A little way off I could hear the river and over that, the sound of Finn and the older girl talking. I could smell burning wood and cooking meat. I looked up at the boy and, using my left arm to brace myself, I sat up, turning slightly to face him.  
“Are you alright?” I croaked, my throat raw. His eyes snapped up to me and confusion filled his young features.  
“How could you ask me that? You are hurt because you saved my life. I am alive because you took the bullet that was meant for me.”

I smiled a little at his questioning “Why do you sound so surprised?” I asked playfully. He studied my face for a few seconds before answering me.  
“You are Skaikru,” he starts, looking as though he expected the answer to have been obvious, “Your people bring only death to mine, but you saved me and my family... You don't even know us, but you put your life in danger to keep us alive. It does not make sense.”

I nodded slowly in understanding, glancing through the trees to where Finn sat with the other children.  
“Maybe your people are wrong. Maybe we have more to offer than death.” I could see his inner conflict; trying to match what he'd been told with what he'd witnessed. He was much too young to be in such a grown up situation, and yet here he was.  
“Do you want to go and see what the others are up to?” I asked gently. He gave a brisk nod, getting easily to his feet.

I struggled at first, not wanting to put pressure on my shoulder, which someone must have treated and wrapped in a make-shift bandage of torn material. After a moments hesitation, the boy held out his hand to me and I took it gratefully, surprised at his strength as he pulled me to my feet. I wondered how early the Grounders started training to become warriors.

Finn and the other three kids were all sitting around a small camp fire, the eldest girl slowly spinning a good sized bird on a makeshift spit.  
“Hey Princess.” Finn smiled up at me as we joined their circle. “How's the shoulder?” He was smiling for the sake of the kids, but I could see the concern plain in his eyes. A small twinge of guilt made me inwardly flinch, but I masked it and offered him a half-hearted grin.  
“Never better,” I replied, wincing as I sunk down between the two younger children. “How is everyone else?” Finn noticed but let it go when I shot him a glance. "They're hungry, but something tells me they'll live."

“Thank you,” the eldest said quietly, keeping her eyes on her task, “for what you did back there... for saving us.”  
“What are your names?” I asked after a moment. She looked up at me and after a minute seemed to decide that it couldn't hurt to tell me.  
“I'm Keiley, the baby is Tykon...”  
“Roselle.” the small girl chirped, snuggling into my left side.  
“And my name is Xander.” The boy was leaning against a tree, his eyes still on me, his mind still trying to make sense of everything.  
“I'm Clarke,” I said, “and my friend is Finn.”

Keiley took the bird from the fire and Finn helped her pass it around as he spoke.  
“So, do you have anywhere to go? Is there somewhere safe we can take you?” Xander and Keiley exchanged glances before the boy answered.  
“Most of our family was in the village when...” he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. “But we have an uncle in the capital, our father said to head there if anything happened to him.”

We couldn't take them to Polis, not without being killed at least. And yet, as I looked around at their faces, so sad and broken, lost, frightened, I knew I’d have to try. I caught Finn's eye and mumbled an excuse to the Grounder children. Finn helped me up and we gathered our water bottles and walked to the river bank, careful to keep the kids in sight while they ate by the fire.

“I know what you're thinking, Princess” Finn said in a low voice before I could even open my mouth. He crouched to fill a metal canister with the cool water. “And I don't like it, I don't agree with it. And I think you're being stupid.” I sighed heavily, watching Roselle wipe away a stray tear before it could drop onto her food.  
“I have to, Finn. The Commander knows me, maybe I would stand a chance of getting back out."  
“Then we all go-” he started, straightening from his crouch.  
“No, they could kill you on sight. And anyway, everyone will be worried sick soon, if they haven't already noticed that we're gone. You have to go back to the drop ship, tell Bellamy what happened last night.”  
“You have got to be kidding me, Clarke!” I shushed him and he glanced guiltily toward the kids before continuing in a lower voice. “You've been shot, how are you going to defend yourself if things go wrong?”

He leaned into me then, pulling me close, and I let him kiss me. His lips were warm on mine, the kiss was comfortable. But it didn't make my stomach flip or tighten, it didn't make my head spin deliciously. The excitement wasn't there any more. And again, I had to swallow my guilt as thoughts of Lexa filled my mind.

I broke the kiss, pulling away and resting my head against his chest, the first rays of sunlight spilling over the horizon and bathing us in golden light.  
“Just make sure you come back to me, Princess.” He managed to choke out, all I could do was nod as we walked back to the camp fire and the Grounders.

A few minutes later Finn was running back to camp and Xander was leading the rest of us in the opposite direction, toward Polis. I held the gun firmly In my left hand, my right in a makeshift sling I had fashioned from Finn's shirt. Roselle walked beside me, chattering quietly in Grounder, while Keiley carried Tykon just ahead of us.

 

I was in excruciating pain as we trudged through the forest, staying off the worn road so that we wouldn't accidentally run into any trouble. My shoulder was slowly leaking a trail of blood down my arm, pain lancing through my chest as the blood pooled in my sling and started to drip from my elbow.

But I refused to show it, my features forced into an easy-going grin as I listened intently to Roselle's bell-like voice, trying desperately to understand anything she was trying to tell me. Finally, as she took a break to breathe, I called for a rest stop. I needed a minute to catch my own breath.

I sank to the ground against the trunk of a tree, the Grounders passing around the water and leaving me alone for now. The closer we got to Polis the more restless I felt. It wasn't likely, but even the slim possibility of seeing the Commander, had my stomach twisting in knots. There was a strange combination of fear, anxiety and excitement crashing around in my mind and my body. It was distracting to say the very least.

My infatuation with the cold Commander of the Grounders didn't make sense, I barely knew the woman, I'd met her for all of five minutes, and yet I was finding it more and more difficult to push her from my mind. I felt like a school girl again, crushing on the popular chick, fully aware that I didn't stand a chance with her.

I hated that I could always conjure an image of her face with perfect clarity, that I caught myself imagining what it would feel like to touch her, hold her... kiss her. I forced myself back to my feet, angry at my wandering mind and we set off again.

Early in the afternoon we emerged from the forest to find a wide, well traveled path, framed by an archway covered in overgrown greenery.It was marked by two rusted signs. One was denoting it as the entrance to “Polis”, an arrow etched into the faded green sign. The second sat above a tray filled with an array of blades and bows, a range of weapons had been painted onto the sign, a line through each one.

I walked past the sign and buried my gun under a thick bush that wasn't visible from the path, before turning to walk into the city limits. But I was stopped by a small, firm hand gripping my left forearm.  
“You don't have to come in.” Xander said, looking uncomfortably down the path. I gave him a small smile, touched by the concern in his dark eyes. “They'll kill you...”  
“I'm only taking you as far as your uncles place.” I assured him as I gently extracted myself from his grip. “I need to make sure you get there safely.”  
“You've done so much for us already, Clarke.” Keiley said softly “Don't risk your life for us again.”

I didn't expect them to understand my reasoning, I barely understood it myself. There was part of me, the part I hated, that wanted to see Lexa. But stronger than that, was this protective compulsion I had toward these orphaned children. After all, isn't that what me and all my friends were now? Our entire world was blown apart and we were left to fend for ourselves.

For these kids that was far too literal. I had to be sure that they were going to be okay, that there was someone in that city that cared for them, that I wasn't just sending them into another lonely and frightening situation.  
“I'm going to be fine.” I assured them as I turned beck toward the city, “But I have to make sure you will be too.”

Xander swiped a hooded cloak the first chance he got. We were walking between two tent-like huts when he reached up and pulled the dark blue material off a line strung across the narrow alley. He practically forced me into it, my eyes rolling in exasperation, and pulled the hood firmly in place, effectively covering both my clothes and hair.

Shortly after we were walking through crowded streets; children running across the roads; people milling about shops and stalls; the sounds of deep, gruff voices mixing with high-pitched laughter; a symphony of noise drumming against my ears. Roselle clutched at my hand and Xander walked in front of the group protectively, but I couldn't stop the wide grin the market place brought to my lips.

The crowds were left behind as we wove through streets that grew more narrow the further from the main road we got. Finally, we stopped at a corner, there was hardly anyone around and there were more tent dwellings than solid buildings. Xander eyed a hooded figure that walked past us slowly as Keiley pointed to the only stone building on the street.  
“He lives right there.” she huffed tiredly, adjusting Tykon on her hip. “You should wait here while we go and tell him w – what happened.” My heart broke as she choked on her sentence.

“I'll sneak back out as soon as I can to take you back out of the city.” Xander said as he stared after the hooded person who had now stopped and was leaning against a tall wooden pole.  
“I can get myself out, Xander” I said as I shook my head and kneeling down in front of him, my hands now resting on his shoulders “Thank you. Thank you for letting us, me, help you. But most of all, thank you for not hating me.”

My heart melted as tears filled his deep brown eyes and he wiped furiously at them before they could fall. Then he lunged forward, throwing his arms around my neck and crushing me in a tight hug. My shoulder protested with a sharp jolt, but I ignored the pain and hugged him back, trying desperately to convey the words I knew he was too proud to say or hear. It didn't last long but I was touched all the same.  
“Just don't die.” He commanded in a whisper as he pulled away, refusing to meet my eyes as he turned to take his little brother from Keiley. I quickly wrapped the girls in my arms, whispering goodbyes to them before giving Roselle a gentle shove into the street.

I watched from the corner, blinking back tears, as the kids slumped up to the door of the building and knocked. A few beats later they were greeted by a large, burly, middle-aged man. He had the same unruly dark curls as the children and when he saw them he immediately pulled Roselle into his arms and ushered them all inside. Xander offered me one last glance before disappearing into the building.

Taking a steadying breath, I turned around, preparing myself for the long walk home, grateful for the hood that hid my face. But my path was blocked, the hooded figure grabbed me by the scruff of my cloak and dragged me into a shadowy alleyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to leave me your comments and/or suggestions, i love to hear from you.


	6. I Am Doing It For You

I gasped in shock as I was pulled forward. It took me a second, but I managed to snap out of my daze and pushed firmly against the grip on my cloak. The figure lost it's hold on me with a small growl, a familiar growl. My stomach knotted and when the figure flipped their own hood off I had to press my lips together to refrain from gasping again.

Before me stood the Commander. Her hair was framing her face in soft waves and there was a fierce anger burning in her emerald eyes. I only had a split second to register her furious expression before she wrapped her hand around my right arm and continued to pull me along.

I couldn't stop the yelp of pain that echoed through the narrow alley and cringed as Lexa stopped abruptly, spinning to face me. Her eyes searched my face and then flashed to the arm she was holding. My eyes grew wide as she reached toward my shoulder with her free hand, tugging the layers of clothing away from my bullet wound, causing me to bite my lip to keep from crying out. The blood-soaked bandage was now clearly visible to the Commander, and none too gently, she pulled that aside too.

As if it were possible, even more anger dripped into her disabling glare when she saw the bloody wound, but so did something else, something that disappeared before I could put a name to it. I shrunk back, trying to pull my arm from her bruising fingers. I failed miserably, her eyes burrowing in to me.  
“Clarke,” She growled, sending a shiver down my spine, “What happened?”

I stared, debating how much to tell her, but after a moment I decided that there was no harm in telling her everything.  
“I was shot...” I admitted quietly, doing my best to ignore the way my skin was burning beneath her strong grasp. “By a soldier from the mountain.”

The rest came pouring out of me then; the missile that had launched from the mountain; watching helplessly as it destroyed the village; the Grounder kids; the soldiers... The whole time I spoke in a hushed voice, only just realizing how tired I actually was. And the whole time Lexa just listened, never interrupting, her face blank through the entire explanation.

When I finished she ran a hand through her hair and, her hand much more gentle around my arm, led me to some logs that were stacked at the end of the alley. I sank gratefully onto one, relief washing over me as the weight of my body was lifted from my feet.

“You saved the children and brought them all the way to Polis?” She asked as she took off her cloak. “Even knowing that there is an army surrounding your people as we speak? Even knowing that entering this city could mean your death?” She had removed her long-sleeved shirt as well and I had to look away from her as she started to take off her white undershirt too, a furious blush blossoming across my cheeks. When I chanced a glance at her, she was already redressing, her undershirt laying over a log.

Lexa was wearing the same look Xander had all day. Like she was trying to figure me out, like I didn't line up with the way she thought I should be. I smiled crookedly up at her;  
“I told you, Commander, everything we did, everyone we killed, we only did it to survive.”

She sat down opposite me and let out a sigh.  
“Take your cloak and shirt off...” She said as she began tearing her shirt into strips. My heart fluttered when I noticed her slight blush and I had to swallow hard before complying.

“Do you know who those soldiers were?” I asked, wincing as I shrugged off my cloak. Lexa saw me struggling and nearly jumped to her feet, moving to help me peel my shirt from my body. I flinched when her fingers grazed against my ribs, my skin burning, her touch sending a shudder straight to my core. Lexa froze, her throat bobbing nearly imperceptibly as she swallowed before continuing her task.

If the blazing trail her fingers had left on my skin hadn't been so distracting, then I would have smiled triumphantly at the effect I was obviously having on her. I had never even stopped to think that maybe I wasn't the only one with an infatuation. It sparked ridiculous shards of hope within me as I sat before her in my jeans and bra.

“The mountain men.” she finally managed to answer, her voice a little deeper than normal as she put my shirt down and picked up the torn strips of material. “For as long as my people can remember, they have lived in the mountain. For them, the air is poison. They kidnap my people in order to heal themselves when they accidentally breathe it.”

She begins to wrap my shoulder, the pressure helping to relieve some of the pain. I watch the Commanders face as she works, the line of her lips, the strong angle of her jaw, the narrowing of her eyes as she concentrates. My skin tingles at the soft pressure of her hands and i'm almost startled when she starts speaking again.  
“The lucky ones we find eventually, completely drained of blood.” The news horrifies me and I know I shouldn't ask, but I have to know;  
“And the unlucky ones?” I ask unsteadily. Lexa ties off the final piece of her bandage, her eyes locking with mine.  
“I sincerely hope you never have to find out, Clarke.” The pain that flashes across her face keeps me from pushing for any further explanation.

She steps back to admire her handiwork. My breath hitched as I noticed her eyes lowering to sweep once over my chest and the flat plane of my stomach. And then our eyes met once again and this time there was no pain or anger. To her credit, she didn't seem embarrassed at being caught, she simply stepped forward again and gently helped me back into my shirt. This time however, she was careful not to touch my bare skin. And when she sat back down, she made sure to look anywhere but at me as I finished pulling my cloak on.

“Clarke, what you've done today, it will mean a great deal to my people. If I’m careful, you could easily come out as the hero.” I tried to clamp down on the hope that was unfurling in my chest as I raised my eyes. “Stay for a day, perhaps two. Allow me to try and end this war before it begins. Regardless of the outcome, I'll escort you back to your people myself.” A selfish pang of glee nearly overwhelmed me at the prospect of being near her, but I pushed it down.  
“If it means that I can save my people, then I’ll stay.”

 

Lexa had led me through an intricate maze of back alleys and side streets like she had done it a million times before. And she probably had, I told myself, there was no way she had come looking for me today, so that meant she had simply happened across me. Finally we reached a tower that was right in the middle of the Grounder city.

It was easily the largest and most stable building in all of Polis, stretching into the sky. I only had a moment to take in the aged stone exterior, covered in climbing ivy, before she ushered me through the doors. The week before I hadn't been able to see, but as we walked through a grand lobby I was pretty sure this is where I had been taken. Torches hung in sconce’s along the walls, throwing flickering fire-light over the marble tiles that covered the floor.

There is a doorway leading to the concrete staircase, but the Commander walks straight past it and steps into an open elevator. I'm too busy looking around, wondering how she could possibly expect the elevator to work without electricity, to see what she did. But a moment later she had pulled the metal doors closed and the cubical lurched and began to rise.

Neither of us spoke as we slowly ascended, and so I took to watching Lexa's face. She seemed lost in thought, her lips occasionally forming the words flitting through her mind. Her expression remained stoic, calm and collected, the mask of the Commander. But her eyes, they flashed and dulled, widened ever so slightly, and narrowed, the only part of her that gave any indication that she wasn't completely indifferent and unaffected by the world around her.

I was so entranced by her that I didn't notice as the elevator shuddered to a stop. I did watch as she moved toward the door, her elegant fingers fitting into the groove, her muscles flexing beneath the thin cloak, barley visible. The way she moved, the perfect balance of strength and grace, it was more than distracting.

She was beautiful in a way that made my fingers twitch. I wanted to capture the vulnerability she tried so hard to hide. I wanted to draw her strong features, the quirk of her lips, the fire and passion burning in her eyes. Lexa was two different people and the artist in me couldn't wait to try her hand at translating that onto paper.

The spell was broken as I thought of the Commander, my mind wandering back to the drop ship, to the people there waiting for me to return. I hoped that Bellamy could keep them in line until I got back, that he wouldn't get worked up and lead them all to do something stupid. I knew they would be safe from the Grounders for at least one more day... But if he panicked, or let our friends panic, and they ended up coming after me or trying to attack, then it could ruin everything and seal our fates.

I followed Lexa out of the elevator and into an extravagant hallway. It stretched out to either side, the left ending in a corner while the right led to a set of double doors. More torches lined the walls and thick red and black curtains hung between them. There were a number of doors leading off the hall, but only the set at the end caught my eye.

They were made of thick glass framed in solid wood, adorned with the tribal paintings of the Grounders. The wooden handles were purposely carved to look like knotted tree branches. i walked right up to them, running my fingers over the slightly raised paint on the glass. I marvelled at the delicate curves and swirls, at the late afternoon light that came through tinged in a rainbow of colors.

The Commander stepped up beside me and I could tell that she was watching the path of my hand along the glass, the corner of her lip twitching ever so slightly as she fought a smile. I sighed as I lowered my hand.  
“It represents the story of Heda's spirit.” Her voice was much softer than usual, “The first Heda came from the heavens to lead the clans through their time of need. She brought with her the blessing of the Natblida, the Night Bloods. When her vessel died, her spirit chose from the blessed for it's next vessel. The spirit of Heda now lives within me and when I die another will be chosen. And so the cycle will continue until Heda is no longer needed.”

I listened to her speak with rapt attention, her voice soft and calming as she told her story. When I finally managed to look away from the designs on the door, I found her looking at me, a curious expression on her beautiful face. I met her green eyes, but quickly looked away again, the intensity of her stare causing a hot blush to creep into my cheeks. My heart hammered against my chest and I had to remind myself to breathe.

Lexa stepped back and motioned for me to follow her down the hall. When we reached the corner we were met by a large oak door, solid with elegant carvings from top to bottom.  
“My rooms...” She explained when she followed my line of sight. “If you ever need to find me...” She trailed off and I heard the small intake of air that she tried to hide, as though she couldn't quite believe what she had just offered.

We rounded the corner and were greeted with a row of floor to ceiling windows that would allow the morning sun to flood the hallway. A dozen doors were spread out against the left wall and it was through the second door that Lexa led me.  
It was a reasonably large room, decorated in the Grounders unique style. The front entrance had a tall, narrow buffet style table on the left and a doorway on the right, long strands of bead separating a bathroom from the rest of the space. As I stepped further in, I let out an appreciative sigh as I spun, taking everything in. The far wall had a window on either side of large glass french doors that opened up onto a small balcony. The left wall was home to a large fireplace, a warm fire already crackling away behind the grate. And sitting in front of the fire was a long dark leather couch, a fur draped over the back of it and a wooden coffee table filling the space between it and the hearth. Then on the right side of the room was an oversized bed made up with yet more thick furs and sporting a number of soft looking pillows and cushions. On one side of the bed was a tall, antique wardrobe and an old changing screen that I had only ever seen in movies. But on the other side was a small desk.

There were a few torches on the walls but otherwise a multitude of candles were perched precariously around the room. Although the floors were made of worn floorboards, soft rugs were placed in front of the doors and by the bed and couch. Nothing really matched, but I couldn't help thinking that it made the entire space feel much more comfortable.

“Wow, this is amazing...” I breathed, my voice barely audible. Lexa nodded, keeping her distance as I looked around the room.  
“I'm going to ask that you stay in here for the remainder of the day, Clarke.” She said, avoiding eye contact as she spoke, looking at the space just above my left ear. “I have to explain your presence and organize the appropriate meetings. But I will return tonight to see how you are.”

My stomach dropped at her formal demeanor but I nodded in understanding. Seemingly satisfied, she turned to leave the room.  
“Lexa, wait.” I called out before she could step through the open doorway. She looked back over her shoulder expectantly and I had to swallow hard around the nervous lump that had formed in my throat. “Thank you... I know you don't have to go to so much trouble to save my people... so, thank you.”

The Commander gave a small tentative smile as she half turned toward me.  
“I think every life is worth saving, Clarke... But I am not doing this for your people, I am doing it for you.” I didn't know what to say, my heart thumped in my chest and my stomach twisted as yet another blush crept up my neck. But before I could reply Lexa had nodded and swept from the room, the door swinging shut behind her.

As soon as she left my chest started aching. I wanted to go after her. I had no idea what I would say to her, but I simply craved her company. The only thing that kept me in my room was the fact that she had asked me to stay.  
And so I went over to the bed, kicked my boots off and curled up on top of the covers, sinking heavily into the soft (and decidedly real) mattress. It wasn't long before sleep washed blissfully over my exhausted body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to comment. I love to read your praise, criticism, suggestions, guesses... anything really, so keep them coming :)  
> 


	7. Broke My Heart

The sun was setting, the last rays of heated light hitting my face as my eyes fluttered open. I groaned, sitting up with a wince as my shoulder protested fiercely. I debated sinking back into the soft mattress and going back to sleep, but I knew that Lexa would be coming around soon and as much as I tried to deny it I didn't want to risk her leaving because I was asleep.

So with a lot of grunting and moaning I forced myself off the bed and looked around for something to do. My eyes settled first on the desk in the corner, a pile of books stacked neatly on it. My eyes widened in anticipation of the treasure.

On the Ark we only had a handful of actual books, and no one person owned them. If you wanted to read one you had to borrow it during the day and return it before curfew. It had once taken me an entire month to read a book because of the strict arrangement, so I was excited to see a whole pile, ready for my perusal.

However each and every blurb described a story that was either entirely focused on a romance or had a strong secondary romantic plot. I tried to read one, I really did try, lighting a candle when the light got too dim. But I was constantly reminded of both Finn and Lexa. I knew that whatever I had with Finn, whatever I had felt for him, was now gone, at least for me. And I was sick of trying to convince myself that I didn't have feelings developing rapidly for the Grounder's Commander.

I slammed the book shut, the sudden gust of air blowing out my candle, and gave up on the books altogether. I didn't want to think about my love life right now, just the thought of Lexa brought back that nagging feeling in my chest, an inexplicable pull.

After lighting the candle again I opened the drawer below the desk top and was pleasantly surprised at what I found there. Inside were a number of sheets of rough brown paper and a few sticks of charcoal. I pulled them out triumphantly, laying the paper on the desk as I got comfortable on the wooden seat. A few different scenes came to mind as I tried to decide on what to draw but I finally settled on trying to capture the village from the night before.

But with every line I saw the missile hit the huts, I saw the smoke rising from the ground, debris flying in all directions. After a few minutes I discovered that I wasn't drawing the serene image of the quiet little village as it slept, but the destruction that the explosion had left behind.

Growling in frustration I crumpled the drawing and shot to my feet, the chair toppling back as I stomped toward the balcony. Why did something as beautiful as that village and the surrounding forest have to be destroyed so horrifically? Couldn't something good, and pure, and beautiful just _exist_?

I didn't even make it out onto the balcony before there was a soft knock at my door. I turned in time to see Lexa slipping into the room, a metal plate laden with food in one hand. She walked confidently to the couch, putting the plate down and sinking onto one of the arms. Taking a deep breath to calm my sudden nerves, I went over to join her.  
“I thought you might be hungry...” She explained, motioning toward the plate, inviting me to eat.

I was hungry, painfully so. I hadn't eaten anything since early that morning and it had definitely caught up with me.  
“Yeah, starving actually.” I replied as I sat down and pulled the plate into my lap. I couldn't tell you what I ate or how it tasted, my actions were automatic as I put each bit of food into my mouth.

The Commander seemed to relax once I began eating, sliding off the arm to settle into the cushion, crossing her knees and leaning back. She was dressed in skin tight clothing, leather pants that were fastened with an impressive array of knots and buckles, and the same long-sleeved shirt she'd worn earlier. The soft glow from the fireplace dancing along her flawless tanned skin and I couldn't help but admire her as I chewed.

She caught me staring, not that I had made any effort to hide the action, but I refused to drop my gaze. Her green eyes flashed playfully and I had to bite my lip to stop the low groan that was working its way up my throat.  
“I am sorry that it took so long for me to return.” Her tone was light, so unlike the voice of the Commander and I couldn't help but smile at her, still refusing to break our eye contact.  
“That's okay,” I assured her, “I fell asleep anyway.”  
“How are you feeling?” she asked as her eyes darted to my injured shoulder, her lips pursing together. I rolled my shoulder experimentally and instantly regretted it, cringing at the searing pain.  
“Sore,” I croaked “It'll take some time to heal, but I'll get there.” She nodded, tearing her eyes away from me and suddenly becoming very interested in her nails.

I sighed and put my half eaten food back on the table, the fluttering in my stomach becoming too much. My heart was thundering in my chest, my body all too aware of how close she was sitting. This woman that I had just met a week ago, that I knew absolutely nothing about, somehow had the ability to make me swoon, even when we were only having a simple conversation. Why was I so desperately attracted to her?

She shifted beside me, straightening her back once again and I could sense the Commander coming back.  
“There will be a war council tomorrow.” She said, all business, “I would like for you to be there. As the leader of your people, it is important that you are there to negotiate a peace.”  
“Of course,” I said, inclining my head, getting to my feet and going to lean against the window. I needed to put space between us, I needed to be able to clear the fog from my mind and slow my racing heart. “Is there anything I need to know before the meeting?”

Lexa rose gracefully and casually approached the fireplace and looked into the dying flames.  
“They will try to attack you, to make you look weak, to manipulate you. You must not let them.” She warned, peeling her gaze away from the hearth and piercing me with her emerald eyes. “The only way to get their respect is to demand it.”

My mouth went dry as she looked at me and my attempts to quiet my body's reactions were wasted. I licked my lips, my eyes following the line of her toned body up and down once, my feet acting of their own accord and carrying me toward her. I managed to nod in understanding as I approached, but I didn't trust myself to speak.

Her eyes widened when I stopped right in front of her, my breaths coming in shallow bursts. I knew she could see the way my eyes had darkened, the slight flush that was coloring my pale skin. We were nearly touching, Lexa slightly taller than me and I could feel the heat coming from her body.  
“Clarke...” She breathed out in a husk, closing her eyes and moving to step back.

My hands flew out and wrapped around her wrists before I even knew what I was doing, my hands burning where our skin touched. She gasped in surprise as I pulled her into me, her eyes fluttering open, desire igniting in their forest green depths. I trailed my left hand up her arm, watching her reaction closely. Lexa's breath hitched, her pupils dilating, an involuntarily shiver running through her body.

Finally my hand reached her face, tenderly cupping her cheek as I ran my thumb across her cheekbone. My eyes landed on her lips, her full, beautiful, pink lips. Her tongue flicked out, wetting them as she realized where I was looking and I quickly darted my gaze back up to her eyes.

I breathed in her scent, smells I hadn't known before falling to the ground; the early morning forest, the grass after it had rained, and something I could only explain as sunshine. I was surprised to find that the scent was already familiar, comforting, like Lexa was _home_.

I began to close the distance between our lips, holding my breath and hoping that she wouldn't pull away. But before I could reach her, she leant in and crashed our lips together. My eyes shot wide, my body tensing in surprise. But I quickly recovered and returned the kiss, my right hand resting firmly on her hip as Lexa's arms wrapped possessively around my middle. Our lips moved against each other in a gentle dance, my lips melding perfectly to hers.

Lexa took control once again, flicking her tongue over my bottom lip insistently, almost demanding entrance to my mouth. I obliged with a deep moan that vibrated up my throat. Her tongue slipped into my mouth and I melted into her firm body. My hand slipped around to the back of her neck and I pulled her in impossibly close as I deepened the kiss, sucking lightly on her tongue and eliciting a throaty moan from the brunette.

When she nipped at my bottom lip a rush of arousal pooled in my core and I shuddered against her. The hand on her hip slipped under the hem of her shirt and ran lightly across her muscled stomach. She gasped at the touch and broke away, forcing me to suppress a whimper at the loss, leaning her forehead against mine as we both greedily sucked in deep gulps of air.

“There is something about you Clarke.” She whispered against my lips, “I do not know what it is, but it is so difficult to ignore. But I am Heda, and my duty is to my people.” Her lips pressed into mine but there was a sinking feeling in my gut as she pulled away a moment later.  
“Thank you for letting me forget that for one moment, but...” She forcefully removed my hands from her body and stepped back with a shaky breath. “I can not do this.”

I stood there, completely dumbfounded, my body suddenly ice cold as Lexa looked at me with the stony gaze of the Commander. My chest ached as though something had been ripped from it and I had to fight the tears that threatened to fill my eyes.  
“I have a responsibility to my people and I cannot allow myself to be distracted. And you Clarke, are a distraction.”

My heart sank straight into my stomach, suddenly as heavy as stone.  
“I – I understand.” My voice was blank, emotionless as I struggled to form the words.  
“I'm sorry, Clarke.” I looked away from Lexa, turning and walking toward the balcony doors.  
“It's okay, Commander. Maybe you should leave, I'm still pretty tired and I would like to get some sleep before tomorrow's meeting.”

As I looked out over the sleeping city, doing my best to regain control over myself I heard Lexa murmur;  
“As you wish.” It was only a few seconds later that I heard the door open and close as she left the room.

When I was sure that I was alone I sank down onto the floorboards, unable to find the strength to keep myself on my feet. I felt as though I had been allowed to hope for a split second before she had torn it away from me. It was impossible to explain, even to myself, the undeniable tugging at my heart, begging me to seek her out, to be close to her again, to feel her strong arms around me just one more time. I felt empty. Like I had only just noticed that I wasn't complete, that Lexa held my final missing piece and was refusing to put it in place.

It didn't make sense. I barely knew the woman. And yet, by pulling away, she had broken my heart. So I cried, slow, silent tears that left tracks through the dirt on my skin. I couldn't have eaten if i'd wanted to, but my fingers had begun to twitch in that familiar way.

Collecting my discarded charcoal and paper I sat down before the fire, my legs crossed, and started to draw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always please remember to leave your comments, criticisms, suggestions, ect.  
> 


	8. You Were Right...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank everyone for their comments and kudos, it makes my day to read that your enjoying my story

The charcoal traveled smoothly across the page, dark lines left in its wake. My heart swelled and deflated as I let the image trapped in my mind leak out onto the paper. Each curve and shadow breathed life into the picture, all my pain transferring onto the page in my lap.

With a flick of my wrist I finished, the coal dropping to the floor beside me as I wiped furiously at the tears falling from my eyes. In front of me was a perfect representation of Lexa as she'd looked after she kissed me, when she had stepped away. I'd paid special attention to her eyes, trying to capture everything I'd seen but been unable to process through the hurt; the lust, the strength, the worry, the pain, and something else, like a weight that she couldn't escape.

I'd told Lexa that I understood her position, but the truth was, I hadn't. Looking at this picture, seeing what I hadn't been able to in the moment, I thought maybe I finally did. I was dangerous to her, her people saw me as a threat. She was their leader and she had to put them first. Hadn't I done the same thing countless times since falling to earth?

It was admirable, if unfair to both myself and her, but I would have to respect that. I raised my fingers to my lips where I could still feel the ghost of her kiss and closed my eyes as I let the memory wash over me.

I looked out the window at the sky that was slowly lightening as the sun rose on the other side of the building, a heavy sigh leaving me as I carefully laid my drawing on the table before I got to my feet and opened the balcony doors. The breeze that immediately swept over me was already warm, carrying the promise of another sweltering summer day. Down below, in the streets of the city, people were already bustling about, setting up market stalls. I watched for a moment, wishing that I could go down and explore the brightly colored marketplace.

Even though I was impossibly high up I could still hear the faint noise of vendors getting ready for the day, smell the food that they had begun to cook. My mouth watered as the enticing scents wafted up to me, making me wish I had eaten more the night before.

No sooner had the thought formed than there was a soft knock on the door. My heart soared into my throat for one moment, as Lexa entered my mind. But I knew it wasn't her, I could just feel it, she wasn't anywhere near me and the tugging in my chest intensified as I thought of her.

Rubbing at the inexplicable ache, I walked back inside and opened the door. Standing in the hall, a leather bag slung over one shoulder and a large breakfast tray weighing her down, was a teenage girl who looked absolutely terrified. On the tray was a loaf of bread, so fresh that there was still steam coming off it, a bowl of cut up fruit and a jug of milk.

The girl was maybe fifteen years old, dark brown hair hanging in tight curls around her face, hazel eyes wide as her hands trembled.  
“G-good morning, Sky... Princess.” She stumbled out, obviously not as adept at speaking English as others I had met. I nodded and offered her an encouraging smile. I stepped aside and let her into the room, hiding an amused exhale as she flushed and scurried in, putting the tray down on the coffee table and turning back to me.  
“Heda sent s-some... clothes.” the girls head was bowed as she held out her leather bag to me, “I could p-prepare a bath f-for you, if you wish?”

I could tell that the poor girl was scared to be around me, I could only imagine the stories she'd heard about the Skaikru but it had been more than a few days since I had gotten the chance to bathe. So I agreed in a tone that I hoped was soothing and tried not to watch as she flitted past me and disappeared into the bathroom. I shook my head and sat down on the couch, biting into a strawberry before opening the bag.

Inside was a pile of leather and fabrics, all soft, blue and black in color. Curiously I pulled them out, finding clothes very similar to what Lexa herself would wear; black leather pants and a matching belt; a dark blue shirt with long sleeves and a leather vest which tied at the back. The vest was inlaid with a fine but strong metal that I could only assume acted as armor, but was also decorated with spiraling silver embroidery.

The clothing was interesting, but I soon abandoned the pile in favor of the hot bread and creamy milk.

Eventually the teenager emerged from the bathroom and I was pleased to see that her shaking limbs had stilled.  
“W-will there be anything e-else?” She asked, still struggling to speak in English.  
“No, thank you.” The girl turned to leave but quickly spun back to face me when I spoke again, “What's your name?” I asked, once again flashing her a friendly smile.  
“Ella.” She answered shyly, avoiding my eyes.  
“Thank you, Ella. And you can call me Clarke, I don't want you to be afraid of me... I won't bite.”

I thought i saw a small smile light up her face as she inclined her head and then rushed out of the room. The door clicked shut behind her and I felt as though I’d done something right. I knew I could never really make up for the reputation my people had earned, but I could certainly try.

I stripped out of my clothes, laying the new set on the bed, and then walked into the bathroom. Steam was rising from the bathtub in the center of the room. Clear water filling three quarters of the deep wooden tub as it sat atop a bed of rocks. Heat was causing the air around them to shimmer as coals glowed red, barely visible through the small gaps. A sweet smell wafted through the steamy air and as I stepped forward I noticed flower petals floating in the water, their scent magnified by the heat.

The water was instantly soothing on my sore muscles as I sank into the tub, relieving the tension and allowing me to relax. My shoulder stung as my wound hit the water, a red streak beginning to snake through the water as the dry blood was washed away from my skin. I laid back, working the dirt, blood and grime from my tangled hair and washing my face.

Slowly, with only a few grunts and winces, the dirt from the past few days was cleaned from my body, the hot stones keeping the water warm. When I finally felt clean I stepped out of the tub. There were no towels in the room but I did spot a robe hanging on an old coat rack by the door. I slipped my arms into the soft material and walked out into the main room.

I'd made it all the way to the bed before I noticed the prickling along the back of my neck. Instantly pulling the robe closed I spun around, wishing I still had my gun with me, my eyes sweeping across the room and finally landing on the Commander. She was standing in front of the couch, my drawing in her hands. She wasn't looking at me and I wasn't even sure she had noticed me leaving the bathroom. I ignored the painful and insistent tug in my chest as I opened my mouth to speak;  
“It's rude to pry...” My voice was much smaller than I had intended it to be. I cringed as I crossed my arms over my chest, being sure to hold my robe firmly closed and trying to look as dignified as possible in my state of undress.

She jumped a little before her head snapped up to look at me. I blushed despite myself as her eyes roved over my body before they shot back up to meet mine. It sent a small thrill through me when I saw the flush creeping into her cheeks.  
“I am sorry – there was no answer when I knocked – and then I found this...” her voice trailed off as she looked down at the sketch, her eyes wide in a mixture of shock and admiration. “You are very talented.” She breathed

I tucked a loose strand of damp hair behind my ear and scooping up my new clothes, stepped behind the dressing screen. Apparently, Lexa wasn't leaving any time soon.  
“Thanks...” I mumbled as I tried to remind myself that I shouldn't be angry with her.

I started dressing, desperately wracking my brain for a way to play the drawing off as something unimportant.  
“You see right through me, don't you Clarke?” came the quiet question from across the room. I froze in the middle of buckling my belt. I didn't know what to say, it wasn't really a question. It did surprise me that she had been able to see the emotions I had tried to capture. But what shocked me more was the swelling in my chest that I felt when she spoke.

There were soft footsteps on the floorboards followed by the sound of Lexa sinking down onto the mattress of the bed. Every nerve in my body was humming with awareness as I pulled the shirt over my head and then slipped the vest on over the top. I whispered a curse as I tried to reach back and tie it, my shoulder burning fiercely at the action. Reluctantly, I admitted defeat and stepped out from behind the screen.

Lexa lifted her head to look at me, the Commanders mask nowhere to be seen. She looked so vulnerable, so young, so scared and confused and my heart melted as our eyes met. Gently I slipped the picture out of her trembling hands, laying it on the bed beside her. Then I knelt down, wrapping her hands, calloused and scarred, the hands of a warrior, in my own.  
“Every day,” she all but whispered, “I wear a mask, I try to hide my emotions, to be strong... for my people. But somehow, you can see what no one else can. How do you do it Clarke?”

I smiled at her, tentatively taking her hand and placing it on my chest, directly over my heart. As one, our breath hitched, warmth spreading from Lexa's hand into my chest.  
“I don't really know... but I don't always rely on my eyes to see.” She nodded slowly, making no move to remove her hand, and we stayed like that for a moment, green eyes locked on mine.

“Lexa...”  
“Yes?”  
“Well,” I blushed as I motioned to my back, “would you mind doing me up?” Her mood seemed to shift lightning fast as a knowing smirk spread across her face. The look made my heart leap as she first got me to stand up and then turned me so that my back was to her. Lexa's feather light touch worked expertly along my spine, pulling the vest snug against my body and tying it firmly in place.

Each time I felt the slight pressure of her fingers against the skin tight material of my shirt, my stomach tightened. I was glad that I was facing away from the brunette as I struggled to control the fire heating my face and neck. I scolded myself, very aware that Lexa's reasons for ignoring these feelings were still valid, at least for her.

“Done...” The Commander announced lightly, her hands landing on my hips as she got to her feet and pushed me toward the full length mirror. I was watching her over my shoulder, painfully aware of the hands that were still pressed softly to my hips. Lexa was looking at my reflection in the mirror, pointedly ignoring my gaze. I was scared to turn my eyes to the girl in the pane of reflective glass.

It had been so long since I had looked in a mirror, I had been through so much. What if I had changed so drastically that I no longer recognised myself? What if by killing, even in self-defence, I had become something that I didn't want to see? Or even worse... what if I hadn't changed at all? What did that say about the person I was, if I could go through death and loss and pain, and emerge on the other side completely unchanged?

Lexa was close enough to me that I could feel her body heat against my back, her hands now resting on either side of my head, tenderly turning me so that I was facing the mirror. I closed my eyes before I could see anything, my heart racing.  
“Look at yourself, Clarke.” her breath was hot in my ear and sent a shiver straight down my spine. It wasn't a command, but it was firm enough that I slowly let my eyes open and settle on the young beauty staring back at me.

The outfit, I grudgingly admitted to myself, looked amazing; the leather pants hugged my legs and hips while the vest accentuated my chest, and the blue of my shirt seemed to make my eyes shine. My eyes... they were the same sky blue eyes that I had always had, the same golden fleck in the left one... But there was something different in them too, something I had seen glimpses of in the eyes of my friends, something that was always prominent in the eyes of the Commander.

I was both relieved and disappointed as I continued to study my face. My features had lost some of their childish softness in the past seven months, my hair, still hanging in loose, damp curls around my face, had grown a fair bit. And there was a new scar above my right eye, cutting across my eyebrow, the thin line almost invisible. The obvious strength that was now etched into my features, regardless of how vulnerable and weak I actually felt, was both unsettling and comforting.

As I looked on, Lexa, an inch or two taller than me, ran her fingers through my wet curls, unknotting my hair and beginning to braid it with deft movements. I purred contentedly and closed my eyes as the sensation drifted pleasantly through my body, coming to rest at the bottom of my stomach, causing me to shudder involuntarily. Lexa already knew how I felt so I made no effort to hide my reactions from her.

Her hands stilled in my hair and I slowly opened my eyes to see her looking at me in the mirror, an uncharacteristically playful smirk tugging at her lips.  
“Are you alright, Clarke?” she asked, her tone making it clear that she knew exactly what she was doing to me. In the back of my mind I knew that I should be upset, after all, she was the one that pushed me away the night before, but I didn't have the strength. I took a deep breath, ignoring the growing sensation in my chest, a craving for her touch.  
“I – no... just – don't stop?” I choked, swallowing the lump in my throat and willing my body to relax as her hands returned to their task.

It didn't take long at all, something I deeply regretted, for her to finish. Two separate braids, one at each temple, curled around my head, coming together as one and hanging down my back. I ran my fingers over the tight ropes of hair, admiring Lexa's handiwork.  
“You truly are beautiful...” Lexa mused, tugging gently on my arm until I turned to face her. She was smiling at me, the backs of her fingers trailing like a whisper along my jaw.

“Lexa,” I breathed, fighting for control over my thundering heart, “Last night... you were right.” I hated the words, hated that I was saying them, hated what they meant. But I couldn't have the Commander feel as though she owed me this, whatever this was. Why else would she have come back, be treating me the way she was? She had made it clear that we couldn't be this.

Her hand froze, as did the rest of her body, her eyes searching mine for a long minute. I don't know what she was looking for but she seemed to find it, her body relaxing, her hand holding my chin, keeping my eyes locked on hers.  
“No Clarke, I was wrong.” She closed the non-existent space between us, pressing our body's together, her free hand firm on the small of my back. “I was afraid. Afraid of what my people would say or what they would do, especially afraid of the way you make me feel. I was scared and I acted like a coward.”

I had to remind myself to breathe when she paused, my arms automatically wrapping around her middle as her hand began a soothing path up and down my spine.  
“But it was foolish to push you away because it would be easier. I am still terrified... But, if you are still willing, I want to be selfish, I want you.”

Her gaze was so intense, so sincere. I laid my head against her shoulder as my vision blurred. It seemed too good to be true, like it was some cruel nightmare my subconscious had summoned into existence. But Lexa's body was firm and warm against mine, her arms holding me tight, her breaths steady in my ear, so very real.

I didn't feel the sobs coming on until they were shaking through my entire body, tears rolling freely down my cheeks and into Lexa's hair. When it became clear to the brunette that I wasn't going to be able to stop crying any time soon, she lifted me carefully into her arms and put me down gently on the bed. She sat wordlessly beside me, concern plain on her features.

Angrily, I bit back my next sob and swiped my hand across my eyes. Lexa caught my hand and then, cupping my cheek, used her thumb to wipe away the offending tears. I didn't truly understand why I was crying, and Lexa didn't ask for an explanation. But, as I leant into her body, my arms wrapping around her neck, our lips meeting in a soft kiss, a sense of relief washed through me and I relaxed into her embrace.


	9. It Was A Bluff

It was a while before the tears stopped completely. When I was finally calm enough to speak I kept apologizing profusely to Lexa. The Commander eventually barked at me to stop, but when I pressed my lips into a tight line her expression immediately softened.  
“Now,” she said, lifting my chin until our eyes met, “what is wrong?”

I didn't really have an answer for her. What was making me cry so much? Everything was just so overwhelming that I couldn't structure my thoughts. After the sleepless night I'd had, I didn't dare to hope for this. My heart had been torn from my chest and Lexa had come back to mend the pieces. I didn't think my tears were solely from the pain she'd caused, but also from the relief I now felt, the small spark of hope igniting in my heart once again. Feeling everything at once, the good and the bad, it had been too much.

I was quiet for a long time as I thought, my eyes unfocused while I worked to organize my mind.  
“Clarke?” The concern tinting Lexa's question is what pulled me back. I managed a small smile as I lifted my hand and brushed a stray strand from her face.  
“It was everything...” I mumbled, “All at once... after last night, I didn't think...” She nodded, but I could see the tiny furrow of her brows, she was still confused.  
“It was too much. I don't understand why really. We barely know each other, we only met a week ago. But there is something, something that draws me to you, something that affects me so completely. After last night, I was heart-broken and i didn't understand why. But now... here you are and... I'm-I'm a little scared”

I felt as Lexa's body stiffened before she pulled me into her lap, burying her face in my neck.  
“I am sorry, Clarke.” She breathed, her lips brushing the sensitive skin of my neck, “I never wanted to hurt you.” I smiled as I tightened my arms around her neck.  
“I know... I didn't get it last night. But then I drew that picture and I finally made sense of it.”

Lexa lifted her head and glanced over to the drawing, a sad smile spreading across her face.  
“Do you draw often?” it was an innocent question, and there was no way Lexa could know the pain it stirred within me, so I pushed the thoughts down. I curled my lips, trying not to make the smile look forced and nodded.  
“Yes, it calms me, helps me think. And sometimes I just enjoy creating something rather than tearing it apart.”

But as I thought about the reason I learnt to draw, who had taught me, encouraged me, and spent countless days and nights drawing by my side, tears welled in my eyes. I quickly lowered my gaze but Lexa had seen. She gently lifted my chin, her brow furrowed. I sighed and wiped the unshed tears from my eyes.  
“As leaders, we must hide our emotions from those we lead. The ability to do so, to be objective, is the burden of being a great leader to our people.” Lexa was looking at me and I felt as though she was seeing more than just my face. It was a strange feeling, one I had never experienced before. “But you never have to conceal them from me, Clarke. We feel, and at times we shed a tear. It is not your first and it will not be your last... I know from experience.”

This time when I smiled it was genuine.  
“So does that mean if I stick around long enough, I'll see you cry... Commander?” I asked playfully, her intense stare making my stomach clench.

Then Lexa did something I did not expect. She smiled and a light chuckle echoed through the room, my smile widening at the soft noise. The vibrations rolling through her chest sent a liquid warmth through my body, alleviating the persistent ache in my chest. The sensation chased away the final remnants of my breakdown and I resolved to make Lexa laugh, truly laugh, one day soon.

“We shall see.” she answered as she lowered her lips to mine. I fell easily into the kiss, losing myself in the feeling of her lips moving languidly against my own. It was soft and slow and sweet, as though we weren't in any rush, as though we would have forever to kiss each other. I never wanted it to end.

All too soon she pulled back, her thumb running gently across my bottom lip as I pouted in disappointment.  
“I would kiss you all day if I could, Clarke.” She admitted with a knowing smirk, “But it is nearly noon and we have a war council to attend.”

I had all but forgotten about the council meeting but the mention of it brought my friends back to the forefront of my mind. I felt a pang of guilt that I had let them slip from my thoughts for so long and I sighed heavily as I slid off Lexa's lap and straightened my clothes. I put my boots on, Lexa kneeling to do up the buckles, and hoped that Bellamy was handling things back at camp.

 

When we finally left my room, careful to keep a respectable distance between our bodies, we were already late for the meeting. Lexa led me back to the main hall and over to the intricate double doors at the end. She turned to me, ignoring the two guards posted outside the door.  
“Just remember what I told you, Clarke. Do not show weakness or they will pounce on it. And no matter how they provoke you, do not lose your temper, it will only make it easier for them to make you look foolish. But I have faith that you will do well.”

She was already wearing that invisible mask, the face of the Commander, but I could see the way her eyes narrowed and shone, the only indication of her worry. I put my hand on her arm, giving a gentle squeeze to reassure her.  
“I won't lose my head, Commander.” I promised, well aware that the guards were watching us out of the corner of their eyes. “I won't let you, or my people down.”

Lexa nodded and gave me one final gentle look before she turned and opened the doors with dramatic force, marching into the room beyond them. I followed her in, registering two things.

The first was that I had been in this room before. It was the throne room I had knelt in the first time I had ever met Lexa. The throne still sat at the back of the room on its raised platform, but there was now a long table sitting in the middle of the room. Light was flooding in through the windows and the thin blood red curtains were tied back, allowing a warm breeze to blow around the room.

The second was that the room was considerably more occupied then it had been when I last saw it. Around the table were a number of chairs, nearly all of them filled by a variety of people. They had been speaking loudly in the Grounders language, their voices fierce and passionate, obviously arguing. But when Lexa walked in they went silent immediately, each and every person jumping to their feet as she swept past.

She walked briskly to the head of the table and stood before a chair which was considerably larger than everyone else's. No one payed me any mind, though I felt they were intentionally pretending I didn't exist, as I walked to the last remaining seat, the one to Lexa's right. She nodded to the room before sinking into her seat with graceful ease, the rest of the gathering following her lead.

Now that I could see it clearly, I noticed that the table held a large map of the Grounder territory as well as a number of small colored statues. Most were clustered together, but some scattered around the map, isolated from the others.

I also took in the people around the table. Each one was distinctly different from their neighbour and yet strikingly similar. I knew that they were each from a different clan and I couldn't help the curiosity I felt as I compared them.

“I would like to thank you, ambassadors, for meeting with me so quickly.” The Commander said, her voice strong and authoritative as she caught the eyes of each person in turn before continuing. “To be respectful to our guest, Klark Kom Skaikru, the SkaiPrisa and leader of her people, this meeting will be conducted only in Gonasleng.” There were a few grumbled protests that were immediately silenced by the sound of Lexa clearing her throat threateningly.

“Two nights ago the mountain carried out their threat and hit the village of Fre-ric with a missile. Our scouts report that the village was completely destroyed and there were no survivors among the wreckage.” She paused to allow the information to sink in. A few people nodded, the news not anything new to them, but there were obviously some who had not known and as I watched the room started to echo with loud voices. Many were slipping into the Grounder language, but I could tell that no one was happy about the attack on the village.

But Lexa didn't let it go on for very long, silencing everyone by raising her hand into the air.  
“We will seek retribution for this attack, jus drein jus daun, blood must have blood.” she assured them in a hauntingly calm tone, “But today I have called you here to discuss our movement on Skaikru.”  
“How are these two things related, Heda?” Someone asked angrily, their accent thick. I managed to tear my attention away from the way the daylight glinted in Lexa's braided hair to notice a wiry man with thin silver hair glare toward me. His face remained impressively blank but I could see the hate flashing in his beady black eyes. Anger bubbled up within me, the man didn't even know me, why would he hate me so much? But I quickly realized, it wasn't me as an individual that he hated, it was the people I represented.

“Because, recent events have revealed to me that there is potential among the chlidren of the sky.” Lexa nearly growled at the interruption. “Four Trikru children escaped the village before the bomb hit and were chased through the forest by Maunon soldiers. Clarke and one of her generals-” I had to fight off the tiny smile of amusement that threatened to show when Lexa called Finn a general, “happened upon the children and defended them against their pursuers. They killed the three men from the mountain and Clarke herself escorted the children here, to Polis.”

Yet again there were mixed emotions around the table. No one looked very impressed, some going as far as to scoff before a middle-aged woman with dark skin spoke up;  
“How do we know that Skaikru did not plan the attack alongside the Maunon, Heda?” I could tell the woman was much more intelligent than the man who had spoken before. Her voice dripped with suspicion and mistrust, her glare fierce as she captured my eyes, but her tone was respectful and she inclined her head to Lexa once she'd asked her question.

I wanted to jump out of my seat and start defending myself, argue that I had nearly died to keep those kids safe and that i had done nothing to earn her mistrust. It was insulting how many of the other ambassadors nodded their heads in agreement. But before I could act on the impulse I felt Lexa's knee press into mine beneath the table, urging me to remain quiet and seated. I breathed deeply as I struggled to control myself, remembering the promise I had made the Commander before we came into the room.

“Believe me, Trima, I too shared your scepticism and so I sent a scouting party to confirm Clarke's story.” I raised my eyebrow at this information but, settled with clenching my hands in white-knuckled fists in my lap. “Apart from the bullet wound that the SkaiPrisa bears, my scouts did indeed find three dead Maunon and obvious signs of a fight. The children were also questioned and their stories also matched Clarke's account of the events”  
“But Heda-” It was the foolish man speaking again.  
“But what, Mikale!” the Commander demanded. “Do you believe me stupid? Unable to assess the evidence presented before me?” Her voice was loud but still deathly calm as it rang through the room. The man cringed and shrank back into his chair, bowing his head submissively as Lexa stared him down.  
“Of course not, Heda...” He muttered, “I apologize.”

Another man, a very brave one I thought, spoke then. He was large and solid, thick muscles straining against his clothing, built like a warrior. His dark hair was cut so close to his scalp that it was like a light dusting of pepper on his tanned skin.  
“I am sorry Heda, but I do not see how one feat of strength and nobility could make up for all the wrongs Skaikru has committed. You yourself just said, jus drein jus daun.”

I tensed, but Lexa didn't seem fazed, she had expected the question I realized. However, before she could respond I found myself speaking for the first time since entering the room.  
“I understand your need for justice.” I began, my voice just barely audible but growing with conviction as I looked around at the Grounders, “But when we crashed down to earth, we thought we were alone. We didn't understand that we had encroached on your land, that our falling ship had damaged your homes. All we knew was that someone had nearly killed one of our own, seemingly unprovoked.”

“From that moment on, every action, every crime, was committed with one thing in mind... survival. I am sorry, my people are sorry, for those you have lost. But I will not apologize for doing everything within my power to keep my people alive because I know each and every one of you would have done the same thing.” Every pair of eyes was trained on me as I spoke, and I refused to flinch as I met each one, finally coming to rest on Lexa. The look she gave me is what gave me the strength to continue. “I ask only that you give us time. Time to prove to you that we are not your enemy. Time to help you bring an end to those who are.”

I could tell that no one liked the idea. They had their ways and nothing I said was going to convince them to change. Finally a smaller woman spoke. She had been sitting near the end of the table in silence, her short black hair and olive complexion causing her to fade to the background among the more imposing members of the war council.  
“You are but children stumbling through the trees.” She spat, her tiny voice coated thick in venom, “What could you possibly have to offer us?”

There were looks of smug triumph around the table, no one expected me to have an answer to the question. Again rage built within me; How dare they underestimate me, cast me and my friends aside as if we were useless, blundering fools? They didn't know me, what gave them the right to judge my worth?

This is what Lexa had warned me about. This tiny woman, seemingly insignificant among her peers was trying to embarrass me, point out my weaknesses to everyone. She was much more dangerous than she looked. If I did what I wanted to do, lose my temper and start viciously defending my friends, then I would only ever be seen as a child to these savages.

So, my fists still clenched in my lap, I took a deep steadying breath before raising my eyes and looking straight at the smug woman. I trained my expression into one I had seen Lexa wear only a week before. A dangerous, whisper of a smirk, as though she had played into my hand and exposed herself to me. I saw her falter as I stared for just a moment, my voice low and lethal as I spoke directly to her;

“We had no problem defending ourselves from an attack three hundred strong not too long ago.” I mused, allowing the corner of my mouth to twitch up, “We have knowledge and skill in areas your people can only dream of. So you tell me... is there anything we can offer in your fight against the mountain, or do you suddenly understand their technology.”

It was a bluff, a big one. I had no idea what kind of defenses the Mountain Men had, I knew they had guns very similar to our own, but I knew absolutely nothing else about the level of their technology. But I didn't lower my gaze, daring the woman, and anyone else, to question me again. I knew full well that the mention of the three hundred warriors I had killed with a rocket fuel explosion would anger them all, and I saw it on their faces as my eyes slid from one Grounder to the next. But no one spoke up again.

No one was foolish enough to object to Lexa's next order as she gave it;  
“Our army will pull back from the Skaikru camp. A force of two hundred will remain three miles from their walls. And in time those who were harmed will get justice. But for now there will be no war.”

The council continued, hours of bickering back and forth and a throbbing headache ensued. Lexa agreed when it was suggested that a set of conditions be placed on the cease-fire, and I was almost certain that it had been her plan the entire time. It was amazing to watch her work, it reminded me of the way Bellamy worked a crowd, but with much more subtlety. She gently steered the arguments, planting only the seed of her idea's and allowing them to grow naturally, until eventually the council members believed that it was them that thought of it in the first place. I almost missed it and I had to bite back a smirk once I'd realised what was happening.

Still, by the time the sun was beginning to set, a treaty had been hashed out and agreed upon. There were a lot of limitations on us, but I didn't think they would really cause any problems. Lexa had granted us a small piece of land, basically the three mile radius around the drop-ship, we could extend our camp within this space and were to only hunt on our land unless we first sought permission from the other clans. We also had to follow all the Grounder laws and any further transgressions would be punished accordingly

I had battled within my head for a few moments before I recited an oath, binding my people to the new treaty. I usually always asked my friends what they thought of a decision before I made it. I wanted to know what they wanted, I didn't like forcing them into something without first giving them a chance to give me their opinion. It felt as if I was being unfair to make this kind of deal without at the very least consulting Bellamy. But this was the only way to keep them all safe right now and I would do everything I could to keep them alive, even if they didn't agree with me.

When the meeting was called to an end and the council members all filed out of the room, I let out a sigh of relief. Lexa and I were alone now and I saw as the Commander slumped ever-so-slightly in her chair, her back no longer perfectly straight.  
“You did well, Clarke.” she praised with a small smile, “You surprised them.”

I rubbed the back of my neck, groaning as I let my forehead hit the table with a dull thud, my eyes flickering closed.  
“That was the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do.” Lexa laughed lightly and I smiled, my head turning to look at her, wincing as my stiff shoulder shifted. “Thank you, Lexa.” my good arm reached out, nearly of its own accord so that I could rest my hand on top of hers, “For everything. It means so much to know that they're safe, at least for now.”  
“I understand, Clarke,” she smiled sadly, “And though you are welcome, it was you who did most of the work today. I simply attended to the details.”

She gripped my hand tightly and for a while we just sat together in a comfortable silence, the rest of the world fading away while I stared lazily into Lexa's stunning emerald eyes.  
“I guess I have to go back now...” I finally said with a heavy sigh, tearing my eyes from her face and becoming ridiculously interested in our intertwined fingers.

I didn't want to leave, but I knew that I had to get back to my people. I had to tell them about the cease-fire, I had to explain the treaty, I had to make sure everyone was still alright. And, though I hated admitting it to myself, I had to talk to Finn.

“Well...” Lexa said, clearing her throat and snapping me out of my thoughts. The playful tone of her voice, still so strange to hear fall from her lips, drew my eyes back to hers. “It is getting late. It will soon be too dark to travel safely.” There was a wide smirk on her face and I met it with one of my own.  
“Your right,” I said, shrugging and ignoring that small part of me that was arguing that I was shirking my responsibilities, “It would be foolish to leave now. We should definitely wait until morning."

She stood, our hands still clasped together. I couldn't help the surprised yelp I made as Lexa abruptly pulled me up, catching me in the safety of her arms.  
“My thoughts exactly, Sky Princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading and please leave your comments and kudos.


	10. Shattered And Connected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so this is my first attempt at smut, let me know if i sacrewed it up at all...  
> Thanks for reading

I left the throne room alone and headed back down the hall. Lexa had promised to come and join me shortly, having to first take care of her duties. I couldn't suppress the small sigh and slump of my shoulders as I passed her rooms. She was the Commander and no matter how much my chest ached with every step I took away from her, it didn't change that fact.

But it scared me to no end. Heda had responsibilities, Heda had to put her people first. And what if Heda simply wouldn't allow Lexa to let go of that, to fully accept whatever feelings she had for me? What if by leaving her in her throne room to do her job I was inviting her to rethink, to over think, her position?

It was almost enough to get me to turn around and go straight back. My hand hesitated on my door handle for a full minute before I sighed again and turned it, walking into my room and quickly closing the door behind me. As if it were a barrier that could actually stop me from leaving. I couldn't push Lexa into making a choice, I couldn't tell her that it was me or her people. I would never want her to tell me to choose between her and my friends. And if Lexa did choose me over her people, she wasn't really being Lexa.

I kicked my boots off and flopped onto the couch without the slightest bit of grace, burying my face in the seat cushion. It was late in the afternoon but the sun was still spilling into the room, the balcony doors wide open to counteract the blazing heat. It wasn't long after I had fallen onto the couch that a knock sounded on the door.

My heart thumped in excitement as I pushed myself up, my voice breathless as I called out.  
“Enter.” I couldn't hide my disappointment when it was Ella and not Lexa who came through the door. The teenager had a tray of food in her arms, her head still bowed as she took a few steps inside.

Swallowing my sigh I gave her a small smile and stepped toward her.  
“SkaiPrisa, “ She said, inclining her head into an even deeper bow.  
“Clarke.” I corrected her, now standing only a few paces from the shy girl.  
“C-Clarke, Heda requested that food be brought to your rooms.” I nodded, my smile widening, and stretched my arms out to take the tray from her. She seemed surprised as I gently took hold of it and for a moment she didn't seem like she would let go.  
“It's okay Ella,” I almost laughed at her hesitation, “I know how to carry a tray.”

She blushed as she released it with an apology and this time I did sigh. I turned and sat the tray on the coffee table. Then I spun back to face the girl.  
“Do you fear me, Ella?” I asked softly. Her head was still bowed and she shuffled uncomfortably where she stood.  
“N-no, of course n-not, C-Clarke.” I could tell that she was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.  
“I will not harm you, and I want you to feel free to look at me when you come in. I know you are meant to help me, but I don't want you to be scared of doing something wrong.”

Slowly, so very slowly, she raised her head. I gave her a wide grin when she did and the tension in the room seemed to ease ever so slightly.  
“Thank you for bringing the food, Ella.” I tried to make my voice as sweet and comforting as possible.  
“Will th-there be anything else,” She paused before she could call me SkaiPrisa, “Clarke?” I declined and said goodbye to the girl as she slipped out, closing the door softly behind her.

For an hour I lulled about the room, getting more and more restless as the seconds ticked by at an agonizing pace. I tried to nibble on the food. It looked great, especially next to the rations we had back at camp, but my stomach kept churning. I was nervous that Lexa wasn't going to show up and I scolded myself as I paced the room. Still I couldn't shake the unease, I couldn't sit still, not until I knew one way or the other.

Eventually I moved over to the bed and collapsed on top of the furs, fully convinced that I wouldn't be able to quiet my mind enough to sleep. After a few minutes of continuous tossing and turning my hand landed on a piece of paper. I opened my eyes and held it in front of my face, admiring the picture of Lexa.

That morning I had thought that I had captured her pretty well, showing the whirlwind of emotions that swam in her eyes. Yet as I looked, I couldn't help but think that there was more that I would never actually be able to put down on paper. At some point, as I looked at my drawing, I slipped into a light sleep.

I woke to the feeling of white hot knives piercing my shoulder, my eyes flying open as a strangled groan fled my lips, before I realized that I had rolled onto my bad arm in my sleep. It was early evening, a fact punctuated by the soft orange glow of the sunset spilling into the room. I hissed through gritted teeth as I shifted my weight off of my shoulder and made to sit up.

I froze.

Something was... different, not off or wrong, simply changed. My heart beat sped up instantly in my chest as I took a breath. I sat up, using my good arm for leverage and scanned the room. My eyes settled on Lexa immediately where she sat at the foot of the bed. The sun outlined her in a brilliant fiery glow as she smiled across at me.  
“Hi there,” She said almost shyly.  
“You came,” was my gravelly response.

She looked at me with a small bemused grin, cocking an eyebrow at me as I cleared my throat.  
“I said I would.” I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her looking anywhere but directly at her, maybe she didn't need to know how insecure I felt, how afraid I was that she would change her mind and shatter my heart again. “Did you sleep well?”

Her voice had changed and I realized that her weight had shifted. My eyes shot up to find her leaning over me where I lay, her body heat pressing down on me and igniting something inside. I forgot how to speak as I breathed in her intoxicating scent; a dizzying mixture of flowers, rain and grass. She chuckled lightly as she looked down at me and I could only imagine my expression. Bearing her weight on one arm she tucked a loose curl behind my ear.

I felt dizzy, lost in her eyes, my head spinning and my body reeling even though she was barely touching me. I wanted to feel her against me, I wanted to feel her lips on mine. But at the same time I didn't. I felt a connection to this woman, deep and inexplicable. It was something that made me feel as though I had known her my whole life. And yet, I couldn't shake the fact that I hadn't. I couldn't tell my mind to shut up and enjoy her body so close to mine because I wanted more than some physical bond.

I forced air into my lungs and bit my lower lip as I rolled under her arm and got to my feet. The tugging in my chest that was a constant reminder of her, begging me to stay, flaring painfully. Hurt flashed in Lexa's expressive eyes before she managed to mask it and I swallowed around the lump in my throat.  
“I'm sorry,” I said as I sat back down on the bed, the brunette shifting so that she was beside me. “I want to touch you, to kiss you... hold you.” We were both blushing furiously as I spoke, my eyes were locked on my hands, clutched together in my lap. “But I also want to know you. I don't want to get lost in my... attraction, and forget about _you_ ”

She looked slightly confused but reached over and pried my hands apart, folding her warm fingers around them.  
“I do not think I understand what you mean...” she confessed. I took a shaky breath and looked up into her eyes.  
“I don't want this to be just a physical attraction.”  
“You wish to talk?” There was a small knowing smile on her face and it took my breath away while deepening the red of my cheeks.  
“I don't know. I feel like this, us, isn't new, like I've known you forever. But it doesn't make sense. How can I feel so connected to you when we only met a week ago? It's like the more time I spend with you the harder it is to be away. And I don't want that to be the only reason we are together.”

Lexa's eyes soften as I speak and when she pulls me into a hug my heart stutters before beginning to beat rapidly once more.  
“I understand, Clarke.” She says, one hand moving to rest on the back of my hand and hold me to her, “But I do feel as though I know you. I know that you are strong, brave, selfless and stubborn. I know that you care deeply and without pause. You are intelligent and will do anything to protect those you care for. And somehow, along with all of these things, you are a compassionate leader, talented beyond compare, and more beautiful than the sky you fell from.”

To say that I swooned at her speech is an understatement. I hadn't realized that she had paid such close attention to me. But hadn't I done the same thing? I had taken every small detail Lexa had ever revealed, whether on purpose or inadvertently, and committed it to memory. The more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right, I knew her too.

I knew that she was smart and reasonable, capable of manipulating situations to her advantage. That she loved her people and wanted to protect them from harm. She was strong both mentally and physically and would hide behind a stoic mask not only to help her people believe that she had no weaknesses, but also to bolster her courage. And I knew that while she appeared to be cold and heartless, under it all, there was a young woman who enjoyed to tease and have fun.

I may not know all the tiny little details, the events of her life, the way she became the woman she is. But I knew enough to know _who_ she is. I smiled into her shoulder and when she felt it she pulled me back to look at me. Her hand was still wrapped comfortingly around my own and I squeezed it gently.  
“Thank you. It's just... I mean, I know I wanted this... that I asked you for this... But it just feels so much more intense than any other relationship, like something more is happening. And I don't want to mess it up.”

Her forehead rested against mine as she closed the distance between us, our eyes locked  
“I feel it too. It frightens me, as I told you earlier, and I think that you are feeling the same fear.” I nodded against her, my eyes slipping closed as I felt her breath, hot against my lips. It sent hot flames of desire crawling down me spine, my breath was stuck in my throat, my body leaning further into Lexa's. “We must simply trust that we will guide one another through that fear...”

Then, slowly and with purpose, her lips whispered against mine. My head spun and my free hand slid around her neck to pull her closer. A heat built in my chest, white hot, nothing like the pain in my shoulder, but burning all the same. A jolt shot up my spine causing me to gasp loudly and Lexa took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Her tongue shot into my mouth, exploring it, claiming me, swallowing the moan and whimper that worked up my throat.

I kissed her back, tentatively at first, but then with unbridled passion, the searing feeling in my chest dripping slowly right to my center. Lexa released my hand and threw one leg over mine, pushing me back onto the bed without breaking our kiss. Now straddling my hips, Lexa purred as she sat up and looked down at me.

Her gaze was pure intense desire and I bit my lip, trying to contain a whimper as my nails pressed into the leather on her hips. But she wasn't moving, hovering above me but not putting any weight on my body. I could see the question plain in her eyes. She wasn't going to force me, she would stop if that's what I wanted. My heart swelled with affection, my body hummed as a new rush of heat coursed through me.

She held her hand out, an invitation. I thought I would hesitate. I thought the fear that was still swirling around in my mind would hold me back. But I looked into the deep pools of forest green, now darkened with lust, and placed my hand in hers. She smiled widely and gently pulled me up so that I was sitting once more. Her arms wrapped around me, strong and gentle at the same time.

Our lips met in another kiss, this time it stayed soft and languid. When Lexa's fingers started dancing at the small of my back there was the smallest moment of confusion until she began to untie my vest. She moved quickly and within seconds the vest sat loosely on my shoulders. I shrugged it off, ignoring my bullet wound and threw it off the bed, not much caring where it landed.

Everything blurred then. Lexa's mouth became more insistent, our tongues and teeth clashed, she sucked my tongue into her mouth, massaging it as she roughly removed her long coat. Her hands where everywhere. She ran them up my sides, avoiding the swell of my breasts before traveling back down to my hips and squeezing tight, her teeth capturing my lower lip as she pulled away.

Even though her movements were quick when she pulled my shirt over my head, she was very careful not to jostle my shoulder too much. The care she was taking with me only made me want her more. The big bad Commander was so soft and gentle, a tender lover.

Once my shirt had been added to the discarded clothing lying on the floor somewhere, she stopped. Her breaths were fast and shallow, her eyes wide and she pressed down on my chest, making me lay back on the furs. I couldn't help the flush that crept from my chest, along my neck and into my cheeks. Her look was a mixture of hunger and admiration as she drank in the sight, her fingers tracing the line of my bra, like licks of flame against my exposed skin.

Lexa's own shirt was the next thing to go, my eyes following the lines of her muscles. There were scars across the tanned skin, most a ghostly white catching the fast fading sunlight. Some were jagged and long, others smooth and short, one curved across the side of her rib cage. But none were ugly, each one a chapter in a book I couldn't wait to read.

My fingers feathered across her abdomen, tracing the curved scar and she shuddered under my touch, her eyes fluttering closed. Her skin was hot and smooth, her muscles twitching beneath my fingers. When my hands trailed up her chest and met the bindings around her chest her fingers wrapped lightly around my wrists.

“Patience, Clarke.” Lexa purred when she saw my pout. I swallowed audibly as she bent over me, her lips meeting mine only briefly before moving to my jaw. She would kiss my heated skin before pulling it gently into her mouth and sucking. Then a small sharp nip followed by a slow soothing lick would cause me to shake beneath her. She made a torturously slow path along my jaw, up to a tender spot behind my ear and then back down my neck, stopping at my pulse. I was already a quivering mess beneath her. But as her lips closed over my thrumming pulse and her teeth grazed the sensitive skin, a throaty whine escaped me and my back arched up off the bed.

As her mouth had worked, so too had her hands. I felt the burn of her touch along my ribs, across my stomach, before finally coming to rest at the waistband of my leather pants. I greedily sucked in gulps of air as her fingers undid the buckles with frightening ease, her fingers slipping into the band. She paused as my body lifted, pressing into hers, a moan vibrating against my neck.  
“Lexa...” I breathed, my voice dripping with need. I felt Lexa smile against my skin before she pulled away and looked into my eyes.

There was fire blazing in her emerald orbs, she was determined, she wanted this and so did I. I had my arms around her back, my nails digging into her smooth skin and I held on even tighter as her gaze pierced straight through me. She kissed me, not deep and not chaste, but with tender care, a question, begging for permission.  
“May I?” Her voice trembled minutely, almost imperceptibly, as though she was afraid I would still ask her to stop.

I moved one hand, gently caressing her face as I smiled up at her. I was very aware of her body over mine, so close that the heat from her skin seemed to be scorching me, and yet she wasn't touching with anything but her hands. I needed more, I needed to feel her against me and so I stared into her eyes, feeling the fiery passion burn through my chest, down my spine and release a rush of arousal between my legs. My hips bucked up into her, drawing a quick gasp from her full lips and I nodded.

With one last gentle kiss on my swollen lips she shuffled me up the bed so that she was now hovering over my knees and began to peel the pants down my legs, stepping off the bed and pulling them off. I watched as she removed her own leather pants, her boots hitting the floor a moment before. I licked my lips unconsciously, my mouth suddenly as dry as a desert. And catching my gaze, her hands began to unwrap her chest, the bindings fluttering to the floor.

Lexa raised an eyebrow as I struggled to swallow around the lump of arousal stuck in my throat. She was beautiful and perfect. Her long neck running into sharp collar bones. Her breasts weren't overly large but they were full, dark nipples standing erect in the darkening room. My eyes continued to roam down her stomach, my body shuddering when I saw her sex, already glistening with her arousal.

I wanted her back in my arms, I wanted to feel her, I wanted her to feel me.  
“Please...” I whimpered when I opened my mouth to ask. I didn't mean to beg, but it was the only word my mind could form at that moment.

And she didn't disappoint.

Lexa climbed back onto the bed beside me, her hands snaking under me and exploring the clasp of my bra. I blushed furiously and was about to speak when the clasp came undone in her nimble fingers. She lifted it off my chest triumphantly, not sparing it a second glance once my own breasts came into view. Her hands were on me before I knew what was happening and I moaned loudly, her name falling from my lips as she pinched a nipple between her finger and thumb.

She swallowed my voice as our lips crashed together, all hunger and need. When she finally released me and allowed me to gasp in much needed air, her tongue worked its way down my neck and into the valley of my breasts. Her hand still tweaking and pinching my left nipple, she closed her lush lips around the other hardened bud and sucked, hard.

The sounds I made were pure desire as my back arched, my hips canted into empty air and my whole body raged in fire. I couldn't pull enough air into my lungs, I couldn't form a coherent thought as Lexa climbed back on top of me, her weight finally settling on my hips, her naked sex pressing against the saturated material over my own. She released my pebbled nipple with a wet pop and sat up, watching me writhe beneath her.

My own hands were clutching in the furs under me, unable to reach Lexa properly, unable to pull her chest flush against mine. I couldn't take any more, I needed her to take me. I released the furs in my clutch and bucked my hips up, swiftly pulling my underwear off my hips.

The resulting gasp that came from the brunette beauty on top of me as well as the feeling of her wet sex sliding against mine pulled a strangled cry up my throat. It had the desired effect. Lexa's pupils were blown wide and she growled as she crashed her lips into mine, claiming my mouth in a passionate kiss, one hand still massaging into my breast while her other shot down and slid through my folds.

She didn't waste any more time. Two fingers ran up from my entrance and flicked my tight bundle of nerves, then tracing hard fast circles around it. The fiery passion I'd been feeling for so long now intensified at her touch. Bolts of electricity were racing up and down my spine, my arousal not only pooling, but spilling out in waves. Lexa's fingers sank easily into me, pushing in slow and deep. She broke the kiss, her body falling down to press into mine, her free hand cupping my cheek as she held my eyes.

As Lexa set a steady rhythm with her thrusts, my silken walls clenching around her with each movement, she kept my eyes locked onto hers. A thigh slid between mine, adding pressure, letting her thrust deeper, faster, as she rocked into me. Our nipples, painfully hard, were rubbing against each other and I could feel Lexa's slippery heat grinding against my thigh.

I was thrashing beneath her as my pleasure built to unimaginable levels. It was all too much and yet not nearly enough. I couldn't breathe. The burning pull in my chest reaching out toward Lexa and latching on, refusing to let go. My mind and my body were on fire, white lights were dancing before my eyes. Lexa's darkened green eyes were the only color that were not bleached from the world as I knotted my hands in her hair and held her close, our body's sliding against each other, sweat dripping between her breasts.

Then at long last, but somehow much too soon, her thumb pressed against my clit and I peaked. The world shone brightly before plunging into darkness. My body hardened before shattering into a million pieces. I convulsed under Lexa, the world spinning around me, star bursts of green exploding in my eyes. And I screamed, her name tearing out of my throat as I struggled to hold onto reality.

My call, watching me come undone, sent Lexa over the edge too. When I could finally breathe again, when my body stopped shaking uncontrollably, I clutched her to me, her fingers still buried deep inside me, and I held her as she came down from her high. Our lips met in a soft caress and I sighed around the rawness of my throat. Lexa rolled onto her side, still pressing her body flush against me as her fingers slid free.

I whimpered at the loss and she smirked knowingly at me as I turned to face her. As I watched, her fingers slid between her soft lips and she cleaned my arousal from her, licking the trails that had run down her hand and wrist. A shiver ran through my over-heated body and I had no control over the pout I wore. I wanted more, but my eyes were half-lidded, I was fighting the sweet embrace of unconsciousness.

Lexa laughed as she brushed a strand of sweaty hair from my face, pulling a fur up and over our bodies.  
“Sleep, SkaiPrisa,” She purred softly into my ear, her arms wrapping protectively around me, “I'll still be here when you wake.”


	11. I Am Glad You Survived

If I had woken up to the morning sun warming my skin, strong arms wrapped around me, and steady breaths against my neck, then maybe I would have been in a better mood. If I had been able to roll over and kiss the owner of those strong arms awake, see an unburdened smile light up her sleep filled eyes, then my day would have been perfect. But that wasn't how my morning started.

White hot flames of pain jolted my body to consciousness, the furs and Lexa's long legs tangled around me. My sudden movement caused Lexa's eyes to fly open as she spun into action. Her elbow painfully knocked my jaw as she sprung off the bed, a knife suddenly in her hand, her chest heaving. I groaned and winced as I looked over at her, still completely naked while she stood ready to slay an intruder, the already uncomfortably warm sunlight painting a golden aura around her.

A quick glance around the room told her nothing was amiss and had her shoulders relaxed, her grip on the knife loosening. Then she saw me, clutching at my shoulder, grimacing in pain. Her expression immediately shifted to one of concerned amusement as she realized what had woken her so abruptly. She was biting her bottom lip, trying hard not to laugh.  
“Don't you dare.” I grumbled, throwing the suffocating furs from my body as I sat up and swung my legs off the bed.  
“What?” she asked a little too innocently, crawling up behind me and gently draping her arms over my shoulders.  
“It's your fault, Commander.” I leaned back into her bare chest, “You had me thrashing about last night.”

At that she did laugh, loud and pure and sweet. A blissful peeling sound that filled my chest with warmth that had nothing to do with the hot sun. Her lips pressed softly against my exposed neck but before I could lean into the kiss she had released me and climbed off the bed. I whined in protest as she started to walk around the room, collecting her clothes. She simply giggled to herself and started to dress.

Lexa seemed so carefree that I couldn't bring myself to remain disappointed as she covered her beautiful, toned body. It was a completely different side of her, one I had only caught glimpses of until now, and I loved it.

I got to my feet and started to collect my own clothes. Seeing me, Lexa went over to the coffee table, still half dressed, and collected a pile of material and a new pair of boots. I rolled my eyes when she approached, her chest wrapped in it's binding, but her shirt still lying on the floor. Unconsciously, I licked my lips and she smirked at me when she saw the action. Lexa dropped the clothes on the bed and grabbed my hips, pulling me into her.

“I brought you some new clothes.” She whispered, her lips ghosting across mine. Her words, though completely innocent, were somehow undeniably seductive. My body shivered in response. Lexa didn't miss the reaction and when she pulled away I could see her evil smirk had grown. I couldn't help the flush that colored my cheeks as I started to dress, well aware that Lexa was unabashedly watching.

The clothes weren't much different to the ones from the day before; black leather pants that fastened with buckles, and a black shirt that was made of thin, stretchy material. There was also a new length of white bandage which Lexa wrapped around my shoulder before I slid the shirt over my head. Then she approached with a dark blue leather vest, carefully fitting it on my shoulders and fastening it tightly behind me.

When I sat on the edge of the bed to put on the new boots; sturdy black leather with strong silver buckles and a hidden sheath in each, that reached mid-calf, she went to finish dressing herself. Her armor and weapons weren't in the room, but once she was dressed I could see the mask of the Commander beginning to morph her features. I frowned, realizing that my time was effectively up, but smoothed my expression before Lexa could catch my disappointment.

“So it's time for me to go back, I guess.” My voice was light but she didn't miss the tinge of sadness in it. Looking up from lacing her boot she gave me a sad smile.  
“Yes, our horses should be ready when we get down to the courtyard. But it will take most of the day to reach your camp.” I nodded, scooping up my drawing, which had fallen to the floor at some point during the night, and slipping it into my vest.  
“Then we should go.”

She chuckled lightly and followed me to the door. But before I could open it she took hold of my wrist and spun me around, my back hitting the sturdy wooden door with a little force. Lexa was standing so close to me, the heat from her body pressing into me. She had a hand on either side of my head, one of them pinning my wrist to the door as she leaned into me. Her eyes were dark as she looked into mine and my mouth was suddenly dry as I watched her tongue poke out and wet her lips.

And her smirk reappeared, washing the Commander's mask clean off as she lowered her lips to mine.  
“How is your shoulder feeling?” she husked, our lips barely touching, her hot breath mingling with mine. I swallowed, willing my voice not to tremble.  
“It hurts, but it's nothing I can't handle.” Lexa brushed a stray curl behind my ear and my body shuddered at her soft touch.  
“When I leave this room, Clarke... I have to be Heda,” She explained in a gentle tone, “It does not mean that last night, that you, mean any less to me. But it is my job to be hard and objective, for the good of your people as well as mine. Do you understand?”

I wished I didn't. I wished I could insist on her being the same Lexa I'd seen for the last twelve hours, But I couldn't forget the drawing tucked into my vest, her every touch the night before, and the way she'd literally jumped into action only minutes ago. I knew that there were two parts to the amazing woman before me; the ruthless, highly trained warlord; and the soft, gentle, playful lover. Showing both sides, embracing them, was something new for Lexa. And wasn't I becoming something similar, faking strength and bravery around my friends?

I nodded once and stole a chaste kiss before she stepped back and let her mask slot firmly into place.  
“Ella will be in soon, eat something before you meet me downstairs, okay?” I smiled at her and stepped out of her way as she opened the door.  
“Anything for you, Commander.” I teased earning myself one final smirk before she disappeared from sight.

My heart fluttered frantically in my chest, the ever present ache in my chest growing in intensity, as though I could feel every step Lexa was taking away from me. I cringed, my hand pressing at the tugging pain, trying to alleviate it. And that's when I realized with a deep sigh that I was falling, hard and fast, for the Commander, for Lexa.

 

The sun and its accompanying heat hit me as I exited the building, squinting against the glare. I looked around the courtyard, trying to take in as much as possible. When I had walked through the city a few days before, I hadn't really had time to take anything in. And from the top of the tower everything had been so small. Now, although I couldn't go wandering and sight-seeing, I could absorb what was in front of me.

The courtyard was large and paved in stone. The tower behind me had a set of stairs, only about fifteen high, curving around the entrance and leading down. To the left I could make out a wooden structure, horses were standing in and around it. Lexa was standing by a pair of them, speaking to a couple of warriors as she petted the snout of a black horse. She was wearing fresh clothes as well as her armor, her sword on her hip and her knife strapped to her thigh. My stomach knotted at the sight and the longing in my chest eased by the smallest measure.

I sighed as I tore my gaze away and looked to the right. A large stage was set up, a thick wooden post in the center of it, and unmistakable bloodstains soaked into the platform. Nausea instantly swept through me, I could guess what that post was used for.

Then my eyes landed down the street directly in front of me. The marketplace was buzzing, people crossing from one side to the other, steam and smoke rising from those stalls that were cooking and selling food. Somewhere someone was playing an instrument and I could hear the sound of children laughing. It was organized chaos in the best of ways and my fingers twitched, wishing I had the time to sketch this out.

As I watched I saw a young boy darting from stall to stall, sometimes he would grab something small before darting off again. I soon noticed that there were three or four other kids doing the same thing. They didn't look hungry and they would circle back around after swapping items, trying to replace them without being caught. It was a strange game, but I couldn't deny that they seemed to be having fun with it.

I watched the marketplace for another minute before finally turning and heading toward the stables, a wide grin on my face. I was sad to be leaving, but I was glad I had gotten to see another side of the Grounders, regardless of how brief it was. They weren't that different from us when I actually let myself stop and think about it.

I ignored the somersaults my stomach was performing as I drew nearer to Lexa. She saw me coming and immediately switched from the Grounder language to English once I was in earshot.  
“Scout ahead, but stay close enough to hear the horns. And once you get to the boundary you stop and wait for me, we do not want to frighten the Skaikru into attacking.” Both men nodded in understanding, and after a short respectful nod my way, mounted their horses and sped off toward the city limits.

The Commander turned to me now, her features schooled into her stoic mask, but her eyes shining brightly in welcome. She held out the reins to the white steed beside her. I took them tentatively, her fingertips lingering against mine for a second longer than was necessary. Lexa bit back a smile at the look on my face and I scowled at her, I knew she had figured out my problem straight away, and I knew she would find a way to tease me for it.  
“Do you know how to ride, Clarke?”  
“Oh, yes, Commander.” I answered, my voice dripping with sarcasm, “We had tons of horses up in space, and wide open fields to ride them in.”

She coughed to hide her short burst of laughter and I felt my face turn red. But to her credit, she recovered quickly and offered a small apologetic smile.  
“Do not worry,” She said as she placed her hand on the small of my back and guided me into place beside the beast, “It is relatively easy to pick up. Try to move with him, not against him, and you should not have too much trouble.”

I barely heard her words, her blazing touch on my back more than mildly distracting. I silently scolded myself as she helped me up into the saddle. I was surprised when I swung my leg over the saddle without too much difficulty, the months of hard physically strenuous life paying off at long last. I could feel the strength of the horse beneath me as I settled in, his eagerness to get moving in the way he shifted his weight, and yet he stayed in place, waiting for instruction.

Lexa mounted her own steed, the majestic black creature she had been stroking earlier, with stunning grace, turning him around to stand beside me.  
“Do they have names?” I asked, moving slightly in an attempt to get comfortable. Lexa smiled and shot me a side glance.  
“Yes. I ride Trikova, which means Shadow. And you are on Yuj Keryon, or Strong Soul.” I shared her grin for a moment, they were good names, fitting. Then with a wave of her hand, the four warriors formed ranks around us.

The Commander clicked her tongue and pressed her heels into the horses sides. Trikova started trotting down the cobbled street toward the city limits without any further hesitation. I followed her lead, the rest of our party riding along behind us as I caught up to Lexa.

Kery, as I had decided to call the pure white mount, moved rhythmically beneath me and I understood almost immediately what Lexa had meant about moving with him. Before I could manage to get my hips to match his rhythm properly though, we had left Polis and I dismounted, none to gracefully, after calling out to Lexa. I stepped into the brush for a moment and when I came back I had my gun slung over my back.

The guard behind us didn't seem happy with the weapon I had picked up and Lexa raised a brow at me questioningly. I shrugged as I hoisted myself back onto Kery.  
“The sign says no weapons in the city.” I explained,  and pointed to the rusted metal sign, “I was respecting your rules, but it isn't safe to leave a gun laying around.” I saw the mirth and approval in Lexa's eyes but her face remained a blank mask as she gave a slight nod and motioned for everyone to continue.

Half an hour later and following countless failed attempts, I felt my hips fall into sync with Kery's movements. I managed to find the right balance between the swaying of my hips and the slight bounces to accommodate his stride. Lexa noticed and congratulated me with one of her signature nods, well aware of Indra who rode right behind us. My improved riding did mean that we were able to pick up the pace though.

As we rode through the forest and along the rough roads, I did manage to get Lexa to talk to me. She told me about the Grounders, how most people had some training but warriors began training in their eighth year. All warriors learned English and it was known as the language of war, though most could carry a simple conversation regardless. She spoke of their different holidays and festivals, the feasts she'd gone to as a child, the village elders telling stories around roaring fires, the hot buns she would eat that were dripping in honey.

Then she was curious about the Ark and space in general. I ended up having to explain what the Ark was made of, how we made food, the one child limit, the laws and the punishments for breaking them.  
“Everyone that came down in that ship were prisoners up on the Ark.” I explained, shifting uncomfortably as she looked over at me, a single eyebrow raised in question. “We were locked up instead of floated because we were under eighteen when we committed our crimes, we were still children and so they didn't feel right about killing us.”  
“But why would they send children down on such a dangerous mission?” She asked. And I realized her confusion was not around us being labeled as delinquents, but at the choice of children as the chosen scouts. I laughed bitterly.  
“Because we were expendable. They expected us to die, Lexa. It was no major loss to them if it turned out the the ground wasn't survivable. It would simply mean that our deaths wouldn't weight as heavily on their conscience.”

Anger flashed in her eyes. “But you were just children, at least in the eyes of those meant to lead you. It is despicable and cowardly for them to send untrained children into unknown dangers!” She huffed and her obvious disapproval sent a hum of satisfaction through my chest.  
“I agree, there was nothing we could do to stop them though. They sedated me because they knew I would fight them and I woke up when we were falling to the ground.” A low growl crawled up the back of her throat and I hid my smile.  
“I am glad you survived, Clarke.” She said so quietly I wasn't even sure I'd heard her speak.

We lulled into a comfortable silence until we stopped for lunch just after midday. I climbed awkwardly off of Kery, Lexa taking the reins and tying them to a low branch by a stream. Two warriors disappeared into the trees to keep watch while Indra and the third warrior went to fill our water skins.

“Do you miss anything about the Ark?” Lexa asked, sitting down beside me, our knees and shoulders touching every time one of us shifted.  
“Of course, it was my home for most of my life.” I answered as I sucked the juice from a grape, “People mostly, my mom, a few friends... But I also had some sketch books, filled with my drawings. There was one of my dad, smiling as he watched my mom bent over a report.” My voice cracked and faded off into the sounds of the forest.

Lexa gently cupped my chin in her hand, pulling my eyes up to meet hers.  
“Did something happen to him?” Her question was soft, she wasn't going to force me to tell her anything, but she was willing to listen. I released a breath and looked straight into the enchanting green of her eyes.  
“He found out that the Ark was dying. The life support was damaged beyond repair, there was only about three years of oxygen left. He wanted to tell everyone. He wanted us to have a chance to find a solution. The Chancellor and the Council forbid it though, they thought it would just spread panic. He was going to do it anyway. So they arrested him... They floated him.”

I shuddered at the memory of my dad standing in the airlock, the doors opening behind him, his body being ripped out into the vacuum of space. Tears started falling from my eyes. Lexa held my face between her hands and wiped the tears away with her calloused thumbs.  
“When I tried to send his video out, they caught me too. They locked me in solitary for two years so that I couldn't tell anyone what I knew.” Her jaw was tight, her eyes blazing with anger, but her arms were wrapping around me with tender care.  
“The more you tell me about your leaders on the Ark, the more I want to slit their throats.” She growled into my ear, stroking my back to help calm my sobs. I didn't disagree with her.

Our guard only reappeared when we were back on our mounts and picking our way back to the road. Lexa's back straightened when they arrived, immediately assuming her role of Heda once again. I bit back my sigh as I watched her transform seamlessly.


	12. Yu Gonplei Ste Odon

It was mid afternoon when the forest around me started to become familiar. Kery, picking up on my growing excitement, began to trot just a little faster through the trees. I couldn't wait to be around my friends again, to assure myself that they were safe, that we were going to be okay. There was a nagging at the back of my mind and I passed it off as apprehension for the conversation I would have to have with Finn at some point.

The scouts Lexa had sent ahead of us were waiting a good half mile from the drop ship, something in their expressions pulling me up short as I approached. Lexa noticed too and stopped Trikova right next to me. She barked out a quick command which had her scouts replying rapidly in their language. I cursed myself for not being able to understand what was being said.

I watched anxiously as Lexa's mask slipped for the briefest fraction of a second, shock and anger crossing her features. My heart clenched painfully when her shoulders tensed, her eyes flicking to me subconsciously as her grip tightened on Trikova's reins.

Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Suddenly every sound seemed to be dulled, fuzzy and heard from a great distance. Ice shot through my body as my limbs went numb and my mind spiraled uncontrollably.

I don't remember deciding to turn Kery toward the drop ship. I don't remember digging my heels into his flank and sending him into a full sprint through the trees. But the wind was ripping at my hair and clothes, stinging my eyes as my mount wove expertly through the forest, dodging every obstacle without slowing.

My heart was racing in my chest as I lay low in the saddle, dread running like icy water through my veins. A heavy weight fell into my gut while I counted the hours in my head. I'd been gone for two days. None of the Grounders had attacked them and as far as I new they hadn't attacked either. Just two days, what could have happened in two days?

But we were on the ground now, I reminded myself, anything could happen in two days on the ground.

I was vaguely aware of my name being called out as I raced Kery as fast as he would go toward the camp. I could faintly make out the hooves of multiple other horses as I wove recklessly through the thinning forest. But I ignored my pursuers, the crude walls surrounding the drop ship finally coming into view as Kery and I burst through the tree-line. Then I could see the ship, towering three stories tall and I urged Kery to go even faster as we closed the last hundred feet between me and the camp.

In the back of my mind I noticed the distinct lack of chatter and loud background noise that usually surrounded the camp. There were no gunners waiting in our lookouts and the gate we'd built was hanging wide open, peppered with bullet holes. I was about to thunder straight through the gate when I saw something that jarred my heart and had me pulling Kery up short.

I all but fell from the saddle, stumbling a few steps before falling to my knees beside the cold , blue-tinged body of Dylan. He had only been fourteen but he was one of our best gunners. There was a bullet wound in his chest, another in his thigh and a third had grazed his neck. He would have bled out within minutes. I brushed his shaggy mop of dirty blonde hair from his forehead and gently slid his eyelids shut over his empty brown eyes.

I barely noticed Lexa arriving, leaping gracefully from her mount and mumbling brief orders to Indra and the scouts before crouching down beside me. I raised my head slowly, forcing my gaze away from the boy and surveyed the rest of the camp clinically. My body was numb and cold despite the oppressive heat of the day and it helped me take in the chaotic scene around me.

Tents had been ripped apart, the torn fabric dancing almost gracefully in the breeze. The meager food stores we had been gathering had been strewn across the camp, trampled into the hard earth. There was evidence of fire, long since having burnt out, on the walls, up the tree trunks, in the charred metal of the drop ship. And although I expected it, knew there would be more, the sight of the bodies littering the camp, each sporting bullet wounds, tore violently through my chest.  
“Clarke...” Lexa whispered, her hand reaching out and sitting softly on my good shoulder, trying to offer me comfort.

“They didn't do this to themselves...” I choked out once I found my voice, fighting to control the emotions threatening to crush me under their weight.  
“No, they did not.”  
“The Mountain Men?” It wasn't really a question. I knew the answer. It couldn't have been anyone else. And it was my fault, I had killed their soldiers and they had retaliated.  
“I am so sorry, Clarke.” I looked into her deep green eyes and when I only found Lexa looking back at me, no sign of the Commander, a warm rush of relief ricocheted through my ice cold body. I hadn't known I needed her until I saw her beside me, freely giving me her strength. The cord that seemed to connect me to her pulled tight and I didn't fight it. I leaned into her, not fighting my need to be close to her, not caring who saw me in my moment of weakness for the people I had failed.

I borrowed Lexa's warmth, her strength, and braced myself for what I now I had to do. I rose to my feet, feeling detached from my body as I pulled away from the brunette Commander to stand by myself. Bellamy, Octavia, Finn, Monty, Jasper, Raven, Monroe, Harper... so many others. I had to know. I owed it to them to know who was laying here, cold, hard and alone.

Lexa's hand had found it's way into my own, our fingers intertwined as I started to move through the camp, studying each body, memorizing every detail. I owed it to them to remember.

Evony, a seventeen year old girl with dark hair, her chest filled with countless bullets and a lonely line of red trailing from her open mouth. Tanner, only just turned eighteen, hazel eyes wide in shock and pain. Briar, the youngest of us at only twelve, his tiny body almost unrecognizable under the sheer number of holes that had shredded through him. Skylar, Evony's best friend, her fingers reaching out uselessly to the other girl. And three others that I couldn't remember the names of in the moment. Each expression of pain, horror and fear served to puncture my aching heart.

And then, as Lexa helped me lift a fallen log off the last body, my heart; battered, bruised and bleeding, stopped dead cold. The wood dropped from my hands, the world shifted painfully, spinning until my knees collided with the solid ground. A scream, high-pitched, heart-wrenching, and paralyzing tore up my throat.

Lexa was by my side again in a second, her strong arms wrapping protectively around my shivering form. My eyes were plastered to the body before me, hot tears streaming from them and staining my face. He looked so much smaller, so much more fragile then he had ever looked before and I didn't know what to do. I was so overwhelmed, the truth before me so wrong, that I couldn't remember how to move.

Finn.

I took in his shaggy brown hair, the blood and dirt smeared across his face, Lexa seemed to know what I wanted before I did and she slowly helped me over to his body, lying almost peacefully in the broken debris. There was only a single bullet wound. One clean shot directly between his eyes which were frozen over in shock, completely empty and devoid of life, the fleeting emotion barely having time to register on his face before he was gone.

Trembling hands reached out to him, lifting his face between them and brushing strands of bloodied hair over the hole in his forehead, trying to erase the damage. It was Finn. Finn who had loved me so completely, who had supported me every moment since we'd landed, who had seen the beauty in a world of pain, death and suffering.  
“It should have been me.” I rasped, pressing a tender kiss to his temple and lingering as my body was wracked with another wave of sobs. He had wanted to take the Grounder children back to Polis, but I had stubbornly, selfishly, stupidly, insisted on going myself.

I watched through unfocused eyes as Lexa reached over my shoulder, gently sliding his eyelids closed.  
“Yu gonplei ste odon.” She murmured, her arm tightening around me as she prepared to pull me away.  
“May we meet again...” The words tasted bitter on my tongue and I choked on them as Lexa lifted me to my feet and lead me out of the devastated camp site.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, i killed Finn  
> I didn't like Finn  
> I was relieved when he died  
> So i killed him again


	13. The Living Are Hungry

Somewhere in the back of my mind I am aware that I am walking. I can feel Lexa's arm, strong and warm around my icy body, bearing most of my weight as we shuffle through the gate and into the forest. I can hear the Commander resurfacing, talking to her general who has sidled up beside us, but their words are muffled in my ears. The ache in my chest is conflicting, half singing with glee at the touch of the green eyed goddess holding me up, half screeching in pain, agony raging through my very soul.

Time was meaningless. The world which I know to be vibrant, wild and so... alive, is dull, quiet and blurred together. When we finally stop, when we brake through the trees into a small clearing, I force myself to focus. I pull my mind from the swirling abyss and summon every last bit of strength to listen to what is happening around me. I shrug out of Lexa's hold, the Commander glancing at me sideways before relenting and allowing me to stand, almost unsteadily, on my own.

We have rejoined the two scouts who had brought our mounts into the space to graze on the grass and weeds. Indra busies herself in the saddlebags while Lexa speaks;  
“Report.” She snaps, clasping her hands behind her back and straightening her back.  
“When we arrived we noticed that the area was too quiet, too still, Heda.” The shorter of the men said in a gruff voice, clearly using English for my benefit. “We used the trees and came closer. We started to see signs of the Maunon. There were nine deaths, but we believe the rest were captured and taken back to the mountain. We saw tracks leading to and from that direction.”

An odd rattling sound filled the air and the ground seemed to quake beneath my feet. My head snapped up and I felt my eyes flare, spinning my head and searching the ground as if expecting to see these tracks for myself. Hope burst into life in my heart, a tiny pin prick of light, a beacon in the fog of my mind. I hadn't lost them all, some could still live, I could still save them. Maybe I would have a chance to make up for failing them. I couldn't turn back time, but I could still affect the future.

Lexa nodded to her scouts and then gave them quick orders. “Head to TonDC and bring back a search party.” Her voice sounded tired but was still strong and demanding. “I want the entire area searched for any Skaikru survivors as well as Maunon stragglers. If any Skaikru are found they are not to be harmed, as for the Maunon, just make sure they are still alive enough to question.” The scouts nodded and with a mutter of “Sha Heda” they mounted their horses and sped off.

As soon as they were gone Lexa turned back to me, her Commander mask melting, her hands moving slowly, as if she was scared of frightening me. I still flinched when they landed on my shoulders. I could see her mouth moving, but I could no longer discern the sound that matched the movements from the rest of the chaotic buzzing in my head. She started moving, gently guiding me back until I felt the rough bark of a tree behind me. My legs shook and buckled, Lexa quickly adjusting to catch my weight and lower me slowly to the forest floor.

That's when I realized that the rattling in my ears was coming from my own throat, ragged breaths fighting to fill my lungs. The quaking was not the ground at all, but my own body shaking uncontrollably. I knew I was panicking, I knew I needed to calm down. But every time I blinked I saw another ice cold and lifeless body printed on the back of my eyelids, heard another silent scream from the ghosts haunting my mind.

Lexa's hand cupped my chin, raising my face so that she could look into my eyes. I tried to focus, to let her gaze ground me, but my eyes refused to comply.  
“Clarke, you are going into shock.” She said, her lips beside my ear, a hand running through my hair. “You need to breathe.” I nodded sluggishly, fighting desperately for control over my body. Every time I seemed to gain ground in my struggle, Finn would appear before me. His face was hard, disappointment clear in his eyes. And I would spiral again, lost in my grief and guilt.

After a brief bark from the Commander, her hands still holding me, trying to sooth me, Indra disappeared back into the trees.  
“It is alright, Clarke,” Lexa cooed into my ear, pressing a firm kiss to my temple as she wiped tears from my cheeks, “I am right here with you.” And something in her voice broke through my addled mind. I was scaring her, it was faint, well masked, but my mind picked it up anyway. There was panic in her voice, fear for my well being. I hated that I was doing this to her, that I was hurting her by indulging my pain. So I redoubled my efforts.

I raised one shaking hand to her cheek, my eyes focusing enough to make out the small smile the touch initiated, then wrapped the second behind her neck. I forced my lungs to fill with air, the oxygen burning as it traveled down my raw throat and into my body. Then, with what little strength I could muster, I pulled her down, our lips connecting with crushing force.

She gasped in surprise but quickly relaxed into it, her grip in my hair tightening as her lips slid fluidly against my own. A slow burn started to spread from the contact, the warmth bringing a flush to my cheeks. The heat quickly moved into my chest, warming the numb chill wrapped around my heart and then began to spill into the rest of my body. We both felt my body relax, the shaking began to slow and I broke the kiss, breathing deeply against Lexa's lips.

The brunette sighed in relief, her hand protectively caressing my cheek. Indra returned moments later, blankets from the drop ship piled in her arms. I expected Lexa to pull away, to become the Commander again in the presence of her general. But she didn't. She stayed crouched in front of me, her eyes still locked on mine when she held out a hand to the other woman. A blanket was draped around my shoulders and another tucked around my legs.

I hadn't noticed that my body was still cold until it started to heat up again. I didn't fight as Lexa fussed about me. She lifted a water skin to my lips and tipped small sips past my dry lips. The cool water was soothing as it trickled down my scorched throat. Soon the tremors were all but gone, the memories of my fallen friends pushed to the back of my mind for the moment, my eyes able to follow Lexa as she moved about the clearing, and the blankets becoming uncomfortably warm around me.

“How are you feeling?” She asked for the tenth time in as many minutes, crouching beside me and checking the temperature of my skin. I sighed, reminding myself that she was just worried about me, I could endure.  
“Better,” I assured her, accepting the refilled water skin. Sweat was starting to form on my brow and she finally agreed to remove the blankets.  
“Are you well enough to ride?” She asked as I drank deeply from the skin. “We must move, it will be dark soon and the forest is not yet safe.” I saw her eyes flit around the trees surrounding us, searching for threats.  
“Yeah, I should be alright.” I rasped, clasping her arm as she helped me to my feet.

I walked up to Kery, petting his snout before moving around to his flank. In one swift, graceful motion I swung my leg up and settled into his saddle. Blinking rapidly, my eyes wide in disbelief, I just stared at the back of Kery's head. I had never mounted the proud steed with such ease and grace, so similar to the way Lexa would mount Trikova. And yet the action had been so natural and fluid, as though I had done it all my life.

Lexa hadn't noticed, busy giving Indra another set of instructions and so I shook it off, I sat straight, ignoring the way the world started to tilt, determined to stay upright. I'm pretty sure Lexa saw the slight sway in my posture when she glanced over, but she nodded grimly, understanding my need to be able to hold myself up, and mounted her own horse. Trikova stepped up beside Kery as we set off and I knew it was so that Lexa could be ready to catch me should I fall.  
“We are not going far,” She assured me, “There is a cave about an hours ride from here. It is well hidden and we will be safe there until morning.”

 

Sure enough, within the hour we had arrived.

Lexa had lead me up a flowing creek until we reached a wide pool, a waterfall somehow pouring a steady supply of water into it despite the summer heat. The water was cascading down from maybe five or six meters up. Once the horses were tied to a sturdy piece of fencing that had been installed right by the pool, Lexa slipped her hand into mine and pulled me toward the falling water with a playful smirk.

I raised an eyebrow questioningly, doing my best to fight off the oppressive weight threatening to crush me for just a little longer, for her. In answer, she gave my fingers a gentle squeeze before she dropped my hand and, without turning around, walked backwards through the waterfall, disappearing behind the curtain of water. And it worked, a small smile played at the corners of my mouth, her goal I was sure, and I followed her, bracing myself against the pounding cold and emerging in the mouth of a cave.

Outside, the sun had begun to set, but the soft orange glow filtering through the falling water was enough to see by. The cave was a decent size, maybe a bit smaller then my room in the Polis tower. The walls were a light, dusty purple in color, thin veins of black marble snaking through the radiation soaked stone. There was already a campfire ready to light in the middle of the space, a stack of firewood sitting against the back wall, but otherwise it was empty.

Lexa took my hand and sat me down by the circle of wood, pulling a flint from her belt and expertly lighting the fire. With a reassuring grip on my shoulder she ducked out of the cave. A few moments later she was slipping around the side of the entrance, avoiding the fall so that she could keep the saddle bags thrown over her arms dry.

I tucked my knees under my chin, wrapping my arms around my legs and simply watched as Lexa unpacked the bags. I let my mind empty, let my eyes follow Lexa as she pulled out food and furs. It was liberating to be able to just focus on the way she moved as she prepared a meal. Soon the fire was hot, a rabbit was slowly roasting and Lexa was shedding her wet clothes. I let her help me out of my shirt and vest before she wrapped a thick fur around my shoulders for warmth.

The heat of the day still lingered in the darkening cave, but it was slowly dissipating to be replaced by the warmth of the fire. I was glad when Lexa sat down beside me, not touching or talking, simply offering her strength and company as my mind whirled. Once the rabbit was done she handed me a wooden bowl that held a small roll, a handful of berries and a good portion of the tender meat.

I accepted the food but couldn't bring myself to eat, my fingers tearing the meat into small pieces and squeezing the juice and seeds from the berries. If it bothered Lexa, the woman didn't show it, silently eating her own food and letting me pick mine apart. Every now and then she would force the water skin into my hand, her eyes staring insistently until I had taken a sip. I found I was grateful for her care, regardless of how annoying it might be.

Eventually though, the tears started. They formed, hot and heavy in my eyes, my breath hitching moments before the first one slid down my cheek. My whole body ached as a parade of the people I had failed filled my vision, a procession of walking dead. I could feel Finn's stiff body against mine, his face cold beneath my fingertips. I looked over at Lexa then, suddenly needing more than her company and she seemed to understand without words.

She shuffled closer to me and pulled me into her lap, my face tucking into her neck. She cradled me in her arms, holding me just tight enough to help fight off the cold that threatened to grip me again. I cried into her, my body shaking with pain and grief and guilt. One strong, protective hand found its way into my hair while the other pressed comfortingly into my back. I don't know how long she held me as my cries echoed hauntingly around the cave, and she didn't complain.

At some point she had begun to hum. The vibrations crawled up her throat and through her lips which were pressed firmly into my temple. The sensation was soothing and soon I found my sobs becoming silent, the melody replacing my tears. I didn't recognize the song, but I instantly liked it, my mind trying to focus on memorizing the notes.

My grip on her loosened gradually until my hands were simply laying limp on her shoulder and against her chest, right over her steadily beating heart. She grounded me, it was slow, and it didn't stop the pain. But I could eventually think again, I could speak without choking on the words, I could breathe without each inhale stabbing like spikes of ice. I pulled back enough to look into Lexa's eyes and felt a sigh of relief leave my dry lips.  
“What's that song?” I asked, my voice dry and cracked.

She smiled and wiped away my last tear with her calloused thumb, “It is a song about love.” Lexa replied tenderly, “It talks about two people falling in love, the joy it brings them. Until they are torn apart by war, their loyalties lying on two different sides. But their love makes them see that their loyalties lie with each other, not those who would hurt them in the name of pride.” For a moment she just looks into my eyes, her mind wandering from the cave and settling far away.

“They learn that their love is their strength and no matter what hardships they face, if they are together, they will always prevail.” Her voice was so soft and quiet by the time she finished. There was something more there, hidden behind the layers of her story. “It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.”

I recognized the saying, but the way she said it, with such sorrow and reverence... it was as though she had lived it, and maybe she had. There were questions swirling in my head, but I couldn't bring myself to voice them. I didn't want to cause her more pain, I didn't want to drag up my own grief all over again.

I was almost relieved when she changed the subject; “How is your shoulder?” Her fingers moved and tugged the bandages away to check on the wound. My brows knitted together as I realized that my shoulder hadn't bugged me in hours. I frowned down at the injury as Lexa began to unwind the bandage, rotating it as she worked. A small pang of pain was all that assaulted me at the movement.  
“Actually, it's not bad.” I admitted, surprised at the revelation, “It still hurts, but not nearly as bad as it should.”

Lexa gave me a curious look, obviously not believing my claim, before pulling the bandage away completely. The air rushed from our lungs at the same moment as our eyes fell on the bullet hole that should have been in my shoulder. I blinked, thinking that maybe I was seeing things, but nothing changed.

Where the day before there had been an angry, blood-clotted hole through my shoulder, there was now a patch of freshly healed pink skin. The area around the wound was still red, sore and slightly inflamed, but the actual bullet hole was definitely knit together with a thin layer of scar tissue. Lexa found her voice first.  
“What in the world...” she breathed, her fingers ghosting over the tender skin in wonder. “Do your people usually heal this quickly?”

“No...” I couldn't understand, couldn't explain why my shoulder was nearly healed. “No, it should have taken nearly a month to heal this well.” Lexa nodded, her emerald eyes still wide as she continued to examine the wound.  
“That is what I thought too...” She murmured, “But your body seems to have a different idea.”  
“How?” The question was more to myself than Lexa.  
“We should still keep a close eye on it.” She finally pulled her gaze from my shoulder and looked into my eyes. There was something happening behind them but I couldn't decipher the thoughts.

Not long after Lexa had rewrapped my shoulder she went out to check on the horses, my body aching from the moment she set me down. I sighed and used a thin stick to knock a piece of charcoal from the fire. When Lexa silently came back into the cave I was already lost in another world, the charcoal painting thick lines across the cave wall.

She just sat by the fire, watching me work, not speaking until I'd drawn the final mark and stepped back to take it in. It was a series of images that had been playing on repeat in my mind. The first; an image of earth the way I'd seen it from the window of my cell in the Skybox, bars running through the drawing just to emphasize the trapped feeling. The next was the smoking drop ship, door open, frightened and curious teenagers spilling out into a beautiful forest. And finally, a grave site, countless unmarked mounds of dirt all circling the two that had cut the deepest; Wes and Finn.

“There are horrors in our world so that we may appreciate its beauty.” Lexa whispered into my ear. She had come up behind me and wrapped her arms around my middle, her chin resting in the dip between my good shoulder and my neck. I leaned back into her warmth, let it fill my aching heart as we looked at my artwork.  
“You really are quite talented, SkaiPrisa.” her breath landed softly in my ear and sent shivers down my spine. “Where did you learn to draw?”

The question brought back a plethora of stinging memories, my breath catching in my throat as they raced through my mind. I could feel my eyes prickle as I fought them off, my body going stiff in Lexa's arms. But Lexa didn't know what the question meant. She didn't know how hard it was to think about it. But I suddenly wanted her to. I wanted her to know everything about me, just as I wanted to know everything about her.

“My dad,” I answered, my voice much smaller than I would have liked, “he would sit with me once he had finished work and we would imagine what the ground looked like. Then we'd draw for hours. He taught me to bring my imagination to life.”  
“You miss him.” It wasn't a question but an observation and I smiled, turning my head so that I could see Lexa's face.  
“Yeah,” I smiled sadly, “I think about him every time I draw... It's a bitter-sweet feeling.”

She nods as she gently pulls me around to face her, her arms still wrapped securely around me.  
“I have lost many people in my life;” I could see the pain in Lexa's eyes as she spoke and I couldn't help pulling her forehead to rest soothingly against mine, my thumb running across her cheekbone. “Warriors, friends, family... but the one that hurt the most was Costia.” Her voice caught on the name and it took her a moment to recover before she continued.

“I think you would have liked her, Clarke. She was a healer, so kind and caring and innocent. She loved the beauty of the world and would go out of her way to find it, even in the midst of war.” Her expression darkened in memory, her grip becoming almost painfully tight as she crushed me into her. “Azgeda killed her. They cut off her head for no other reason than she was mine and they wished to weaken me”

Lexa's eyes softened as she pulled back to look down at me. “I never thought I would be able to think about her fondly again, tainted as my memories of her were. But then I met you, Clarke. You have given me hope, helped me begin to heal. And suddenly I can remember how good that time was, how strong I felt when I knew that I was loved.”

I couldn't help the small grin that spread across my face as I closed the distance between our lips. She was surprised at first, but soon she melted into me, my lips molding perfectly to hers as they moved together. Silence wrapped comfortingly around us once we had broken apart, breathing each other in as Lexa held me close.

“Did you love him?” Her question surprised me for a moment, but I knew who she was talking about instantly. Lexa sounded so insecure in that moment, vulnerable, like she feared the answer but had to ask the question regardless. I kissed her firmly one more time before I answered.  
“Not the way he loved me...”

 

That night I laid in her arms, my back pressed against her front as her arm draped protectively across my stomach. For a long time I listened to her deep, steady breaths as she drifted to sleep. I watched the fire burn, unable to sleep, afraid of the ghosts that would haunt my dreams. I kept seeing them. These people that I was supposed to protect punctuating my every thought and I knew that I couldn't let sleep claim me.

I crawled out of Lexa's arms, careful not to wake her as I moved, and then tucking the furs more securely around her. Then collecting more charcoal from the fire and sparing a moment to slip my shirt back on over my head, I walked up to another blank section of wall. The soft glow of the small campfire provided just enough light for me to work. After a minute of staring at the empty canvas in front of me I laid the charcoal against the strange cave wall, and I drew.

I moved silently from one patch of wall to the next, letting the pictures flow from my hand, coming from somewhere deep inside me. I hardly thought, just letting my hand uncover the images, letting them reveal themselves against the light purple cave walls as though they had always been there.

The sun was just starting to rise and send strange shadows through the water and into the cave when the Commander stirred. The charcoal dropped from my blackened hand as I stepped away from my final drawing. It took up the entire back of the cave. One hundred and two faces, the first hundred delinquents on the drop ship as well as Bellamy and Raven. I had shocked myself, somehow remembering each and every face as I had drawn, conjuring them one by one into my mind. There were a few that I had never known the names of though. I vowed to learn them so that I could come back and add the names under their portraits. Those that had died, I had drawn a shooting star beside, the wispy tails ghosting over their faces. And at the very bottom was the poem we would recite for our dead.

“In peace may you leave the shore, “Lexa read as she stepped up beside me, “In love may you find the next,  
Safe passage on your travels,  
Until our final journey to the ground,  
May we meet again.” As she finished the poem, her voice trailing off into a whisper, I let out a sigh and wiped away the solitary tear that had fallen down my cheek.  
“Their deaths are on me,” I said, lost in the endless void of guilt and responsibility. “It was my job to protect them, they trusted me to keep them safe, and I failed them.”

I could feel Lexa's eyes on me as her hand landed on my shoulder, turning me to look at her.  
“This was not your fault, Clarke.” She almost growled, her expression set in determination, “Those nine deaths are the fault of the mountain and I will help you get justice for your people.” I let her pull me into a tight embrace then, I let her ease the pain in my chest.  
“The dead are gone, Clarke, the living are hungry.”

I looked back at the wall. So many had died. So many who were too young, who had had no chance from the moment we landed on the ground. But Lexa was right. There were still so many left alive, so many I could still save. And I would save them. I would get them out of that mountain if it was the last thing I did. We would have justice for those we lost.


	14. Trigedasleng

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Lexa asked once i had finally turned my gaze back to her. Her face was scrunched up as her fingers swept gently over the large, dark shadows I knew must be very visible in the rapidly spreading sunlight. I sighed and rolled my eyes, stifling a yawn before answering,  
"No, there was just too much playing through my mind."  
"I can see that."

Her tone sounded impressed as she flicked her gaze around the room, trying to take in the countless images printed on the walls. I let mine wander too. I had drawn things from all different points in my life.

There was the Grounder village before it had been destroyed, the faces of four small, terrified children hovering in the burning trees; Wells when we were children, he was dancing triumphantly, having just beaten me in chess; my parents locked in a loving embrace; Grounders falling from trees; a two headed doe, frozen in fear; Harsh hands restraining me and pushing me into a small cell; A pod falling to the ground, a tail of fire following closely behind; Lincoln, tied to the wall in the drop ship, bleeding and covered in dirt. The marketplace in Polis, a group of kids flitting from stall to stall..

But for every one of these pictures, there was one of Lexa. I blushed as I realized just how many i had drawn. Some were tiny, fitting between two others, some were life sized, and others yet lingered like shadows behind unrelated scenes. Each and every one was as detailed as I could have possibly made them with such a crude tool, and in each one her expression was slightly different.

Lexa was moving around the cave, her fingers trailing over the drawings as she studied them with wide eyes. i didn't usually let people see my drawings, at that point I didn't have much choice, but I also felt comfortable letting her see this. I knew it was my imagination, but I felt as though i could feel the awe, the pride, radiating from her and it amplified that now familiar tug in my chest.

While Lexa examined the walls I sat down to eat. i hadn't eaten since lunch the previous day and I was surprised at how quickly I wolfed down my leftovers from the night before. i kept my eyes on my bowl the entire time, aware of Lexa trying to burn a hole into the back of my skull.

It was as though she were trying to see into my mind. Like she was afraid that my behavior was the calm before the storm. I knew it wasn't though. Something had clicked as the sun rose behind me. I still felt the stabbing pain of each person I had let down, but now it served to fuel me. I could mourn them once I got justice for their deaths.

Once we had eaten and dressed properly, Lexa hefted the saddlebags into one arm and pulled me into her with the other.  
"Ready to go?" she asked, resting her forehead against mine, her touch causing my heart to flutter uncontrollably. "We must get back to Polis." I smiled at her and stole a swift peck against her lips.  
"Just give me a minute?" i didn't have to explain, she glanced around the cave before nodding to me and taking a step back toward the entrance.  
"Come out when you are ready, Clarke." Then, with one of her playful smirks, she turned around and ran straight through the cascading water.

I had only experienced a few fleeting carefree moments like that, where Lexa puts away the mask of the Commander and is simply Lexa, and I cherish each one.

When she leaves, a tingling starts in the base of my skull, quiet and harmless but annoying all the same. I ignore it as I approach the entrance, my eyes roaming over my artwork one last time. Finally, they come to rest on a picture near the mouth of the cave. It is easily my favorite one, I had spent an entire hour on it when I first drew it, and had returned to tweak it multiple times during the night.

It was Lexa. She was completely bare as she stood over the bed, crouched, ready to pounce. Bright morning sunlight hit her back and framed her body in a celestial glow. In her hand she held her knife, her eyes scanning the room for the danger that had woken her. It was one of my favorite memories of Lexa. I didn't know why, I couldn't explain it, I merely accepted it.

I smiled fondly, my fingertips brushing across the charcoal, before i stepped through the water that was crashing into the pool. The water was cold, but not brutally so, the sun having already warmed it. Lexa had secured the saddle bags back onto Trikova and was busy feeding both horses an apple. She looked up as i approached and smiled wide. Something about this scene felt so right and i didn't want it to end.

I sighed inwardly as I swung up onto Kery. This time Lexa did notice the ease of my movements, the graceful flow of my body that seemed to mimic her, and her brow furrowed in deep thought. The tingling at the base of my skull intensified under her gaze but before I could ask her what was wrong she had turned away and mounted her steed. I shook my head, trying to expel the feeling with little success.

Lexa offered me a small smile as we started off through the trees. For the first hour we traveled in a comfortable silence. I could tell that Lexa was trying to give me my space, room to mourn and heal. While I appreciated it, it wasn't necessary, and so eventually I broke the silence.

“Could you teach me the Grounder language?” I asked a little hesitantly. My mind had been turning over the different words I could remember hearing, wishing that I could understand them. But I also knew that by speaking their language they were able to keep their secrets from their enemies. I wasn't so sure that she would be willing to teach me. Lexa simply studied me for a moment before speaking, mirth clear in her eyes.  
“Trigedasleng.” She said, a smirk playing at her lips.  
“What?”  
“That is the name of our language.” She explained, laughing at the confusion written plain on my face. “Trigedakru or Trikru, is the name of our largest clan, my original clan. And 'sleng' translates to 'language' in English. Trigedasleng means 'tree-language'.”

I was an attentive student as Lexa started to explain different words and how to structure simple sentences. At first it was a little difficult and Lexa was beyond patient as I worked to wrap my tongue around the foreign words. Slowly my mind started to piece together the words and patterns on its own. The tingling that had been nagging at the base of my skull seemed to stop and at the same time something clicked.

Suddenly I was speaking complete sentences in Trigedasleng, Lexa staring at me with wide eyed disbelief. I was saying words I had never heard before, stringing together sentences she hadn't taught me. And it felt so natural, like I had been speaking the language my entire life.

I wasn't surprised when Lexa pulled Trikova to an abrupt halt and was quick to follow her lead. She rounded on me, her expression nearly unreadable as she studied my face. I didn't know what she was looking for, and her stare was making me feel uneasy.  
“How are you doing that, Klark?” Lexa asked in breathless wonder. I didn't have an answer for her. Just like with my magically healed shoulder, I couldn't explain what was happening.

Before I could tell her that though, something flew past, grazing my cheek before embedding in the tree behind me. Lexa was a flurry of action before my fingers had even come away from my face coated in dark blood. A thin throwing knife shot out of her hand and a moment later a body fell from a tree not far from us. There was some loud rustling and a branch snapped and followed the body down.

All I could do was stare as Lexa leaped from her horses back, unsheathing her sword before she even landed on the ground, and then sprinted after the sound of someone crashing through the forest. I knew she wouldn't want me following after her and so I dismounted and crept up to the fallen body. As soon as I saw the olive green hazmat suit, I knew who had attacked, his rifle lying in the dirt a few feet from him.

I bent down and picked it up before rolling the soldier over with the edge of my boot. Lexa's knife had hit him square in the forehead, thrown with such force and accuracy that it haddn't even shattered the glass of the mans mask. I crouched over him and pulled the knife free, slipping it into my boot and then straightening once more.

That's when a disturbing thought hit me. When I had been attacked on that cliff there had been three soldiers. If there was one here on the floor, and Lexa was chasing off a second, then...

I heard them a moment before I felt the jarring crack against the back of my skull. My vision blurred as I crumpled to the forest floor, a wave of nausea hitting me like a blow to the stomach. I forced myself to roll, trying to face my attackers, trying to lift the rifle. All I could see were two menacing blurs, a shade darker than the greenery around us, hovering over me. I couldn't aim properly, my arms and hands weren't listening to my minds commands and I heard gruff laughter as I struggled, the gun waving uselessly from side to side.

A hard boot connected with my rib cage and the contents of my stomach emptied as I landed violently on my side. I couldn't breathe, bright bursts of white light were erupting in my eyes. I was kicked again, flipping me roughly onto my front before a knee was pressing into the side of my face with a crushing weight. Cold and unyielding steel snapped into place around my wrists, locking them behind my back, the sharp pain pulling a strangled cry from my throat.

When the knee lifted and my face was no longer being crushed into the ground it was only a momentary relief. Large, rough hands were pulling me to my feet and I had no choice but to comply, the man throwing my back against a tree trunk so that he could look at me properly.  
“This is the one we want,” the smaller of the two soldiers said to his companion, roughly tilting my face to the side as he inspected me, “We should leave before that bitch gets back.” He spat the words as though the mere thought of Lexa tasted like venom in his mouth.

My vision was slowly returning and I blinked rapidly as I tried to push the daze from my mind.  
“Right,” the second soldier agreed, his voice much deeper, older, than the first, “You take point, but move fast.” I winced as he grabbed my elbow, not worried about being gentle and shoved me ahead of him. But my legs didn't want to work, a new wave of nausea settled in my throat and I doubled over in pain.

As I folded in half, retching, I realized I needed to buy myself some more time. Lexa would be back, I just had to make sure we didn't get far before she did. So I let my bady shake and fall, pretending that I couldn't hold up my own weight. When my knees hit a large root I let the pain travel through my body and escape in an ear piercing scream.

Almost instantly the but of a gun connected with my jaw, cutting off my scream and sending me the rest of the way to the floor. I spat out the mouth full of blood that had gathered before I turned on the large soldier, baring my teeth and growling. I struggled to my knees as he laughed at me, the harsh, barking sound burning hot in my chest. With shaking legs, I rose, looking up at the Mountain Man with hatred burning in my eyes, well aware that his friend was now approaching from behind me to see what was happening.

I didn't see Lexa coming, I certainly didn't hear her silent approach, but somehow I knew she was there. The pain in my chest eased the closer she got and I felt a smirk spreading across my face. As though the blows had been timed, I took a step toward the soldier, landing on my left foot and pivoting until I kicked out with my right, hitting him straight in the chest. It didn't cause any real damage, it wasn't supposed to, but it did send him stumbling back. An odd satisfaction coursed through me when I saw the tip of a sword pierce through his chest and grow until most of it was visible.

Lexa threw the lifeless corpse to the ground and offered me a quick once over before beginning to advance on the final soldier. My shoulders relaxed as Lexa stalked her prey, the final soldier well aware that he didn't stand a chance. The man dropped his gun and fell to his knees, holding his hands above his head in surrender. Lexa scoffed and I expected her to kill the man, wanted her to slit his throat, instead she delivered a hard crack to his temple and watched him crumple into a heap against a tree.

When she turned to face me, the Commander was breathing heavily, her eyes wide and wild. She rushed toward me and I was hard pressed to hold back the tears that threatened to overwhelm me. Her sword dropped from her grip and she wrapped me in her arms and I took in fast shaky breaths, willing myself to stay conscious.

I choked on a sob when Lexa released me, crouching down to remove a set of keys from the dead soldier and then walking behind me to undo the handcuffs. Once my hands were free I found it easier to calm myself. My head was still swimming from the blows it had taken, Lexa's face and voice going in and out of focus as she spoke to me.

For a full minute I just watched her mouth move, a deafening ringing in my ears.  
“Clarke!” All at once the world righted itself. The ground stopped spinning beneath me, the ringing in my ears stopped and my hearing returned, the nausea in my stomach dissipated and I could hear the panic and desperation clear in Lexa's voice. Her hands were on either side of my face, her eyes staring into mine.  
“I'm okay...” I managed to croak before I sunk into her arms.

My body ached and my head throbbed, but as Lexa wrapped her arms around me in a tight protective circle the pains started to fade. Lexa let out a deep weighted sigh at she pulled me back to examine my injuries.  
“I should have known there were more of them...” she growled as she rubbed at a smear of dirt across my cheek. I shook my head at her, wanting to ease her guilt, but she turned away before I could talk.

While Lexa went over to the unconscious Mountain Man I made my way over to where our horses had retreated to when the fighting started. They were easy to calm and followed me back to the Commander just as she finished tying the man to a tree. There was fury plain on her face as she looked down on him, her fingers twitching toward the pummel of her sword, now sheathed at her hip.

I laid a hand softly on her shoulder and fought back my wince when her fiery gaze turned on me. Her eyes quickly softened however, her hand resting reassuringly over mine.  
“What will happen to him?” I asked, inclining my head at the man. Lexa huffed at him before answering.  
“I will send people to collect him. He will be taken and questioned.” From the tone of her voice I could easily guess how he would be questioned. I hated the idea. Torture didn't work... but right at that moment, I knew that was not something Lexa could hear, so I let it go.

We left the forest in favor of a worn dirt road a few minutes later, riding in silence. I could see the thoughts crashing around inside the Commanders head and I could tell she didn't want to speak. She needed to sort through things, just as she had let me sort through my grief the night before, when she was ready to talk she would let me know.

Less than an hour later she stopped Trikova and I followed suit, looking at her questioningly.  
“Just through these trees is the Trikru village of TonDiSi,” She explained. “Once you have seen a healer-” I opened my mouth to protest that I didn't need a healer, but Lexa silenced me with a growl, “Once you have seen a healer, I want to teach you how to fight.”

My mouth fell open slightly as I processed her words. At first it seemed like a crazy notion, how could she think that I would be any good at fighting? But then I saw the pain hidden behind the layers of emotions in her eyes and I understood. Every time Lexa left me alone I came back to her with a new injury; first the bullet wound and then again in the forest. She needed the peace of mind that would come with teaching me how to protect myself. I found myself nodding and was rewarded with the briefest flash of a relieved smile before Lexa turned and led me into the Grounder village.


	15. The Commander Doesn't Bluff

I sat now before a middle-aged woman. She was inspecting me for wounds, her brow furrowing when she wiped away the dark, almost black, blood caked to my cheek to reveal that the graze had partially healed. After a moment of confused inspection she wordlessly applied a light green salve that I could swear was glowing faintly and turned to pack up her things.  
“Leave that on for a few hours and it will prevent any infection... But your wound already looks a day old so there is not much else to do.” I nodded to her before thanking her and slipping off the rickety table.

When I was alone again I walked over to the small window and looked out at the village of TonDiSi. We had rode into the village limits and Lexa was immediately greeted with cry's of 'Heda'. She had dismounted before a swarm of people could encircle Trikova, bending to sweep up a small girl that had come running towards her. Although she was clearly wearing her Heda persona, there was a wide, bright and unrestrained smile on her face as she sat the girl on her hip.

It would be apparent to anyone that these villagers loved their Commander, greeting her with smiles, reaching out to touch her coat, telling her of the arrival of a new baby boy since her last visit. I was all but ignored, only receiving a few suspicious glances from those that were clearly warriors. I couldn't help the swell of pride within me as I watched Lexa move among her people though. Her people were everything to her, just as my friends meant the world to me...

Eventually everyone had calmed down enough for Lexa to call over a burly looking man. She gave him some hushed instructions and then he was by my side, offering me a hand to help me from Kery.  
“I am Hozay,” he said, his voice a low rumble. “Heda has asked me to take you to our healer.” I nodded and then followed him around the crowd listening intently to Lexa speak. With every step away from her my chest ached a little more, that invisible cord tugging harshly, begging me to stay near her. Hozay stopped outside a small hut, holding open the door for me. And here I had been since...

I rubbed at my chest absentmindedly. I wanted more than anything to go looking for Lexa, but I knew she would still be busy. Maybe if I could pass for a Grounder then I would risk leaving the hut, but there weren't many blondes around and the last thing I needed was for someone to realize that I was the 'SkaiPrisa'.

Around noon Hozay came into the hut with a plate of food and a water-skin, leaving silently after putting them down. I sat in the wooden chair and tried to eat, but I felt much too restless. My fingers twitched, making me wish I had something to draw with. I paced the small room, I inspected the shelves of herbs and plants on the wall, and then I sat, leaning heavily over the table as I groaned my frustrations into the empty room.

There was a quiet chuckle and I tensed... not so empty room then. I sat up slowly, looking over my shoulder to see Lexa leaning against the door frame, her arms crossed over her chest, a wicked, playful smirk lighting up her eyes. I swallowed hard and spun around in my seat. :  
”Hey there...” I croaked. “I didn't hear you come in.”

She smiled at me as she pushed off the door frame, closing the door behind her before sauntering her way over to me. My mind went instantly blank as she swung her leg over my lap, her backside pressed up against the table while she looked down at me through half-lidded eyes. My breath hitched and my heart skipped a beat or two and when her hand snaked to the back of my neck and pulled me into a punishing kiss, I couldn't have told you my own name.

Two fingers traced up and down the base of my skull as her weight settled into my lap. I couldn't help the moan that vibrated up my throat as she sighed into my mouth, her teeth grazing against my bottom lip before she pulled back. The loss was almost painful and it took everything in me not to whine.

Lexa held my face between her hands and let out an amused breath at the look I was giving her. I knew my eyes were wide and I was shamelessly pouting but I couldn't muster the will power to correct it. She wiped at the salve on my cheek with a thumb before pressing a tender kiss to my forehead.  
“You are adorable, SkaiPrisa...” she almost whispered, her hot breath sending goosebumps across my body.

But before I could stop her, pull her tighter against me, beg her to stay, she swung herself from my lap and held out a hand to help me from my chair. She laughed gently at my disappointed frown.  
“We have work to do.” She said lightly, taking my hand anyway and pulling me up. I groaned in defiance.  
“No we don't, you just want to beat me up and make me look stupid.”

She froze in the process of tugging me toward the door and spun abruptly to look at me. Her usually soft expression was hard, her jaw set. There was a subtle war waging in her head and I regretted my comment as I watched the mask of Heda flicker across her features.

After a moment the furrow in her brow settled and although she looked upset, it wasn't the Commander that answered me.  
“I do not do things needlessly, Klark.” There was that undeniable click in my name that came with the subtle Grounder accent. “I do not wish to make you look foolish or to hurt you... I simply want you to be safe.” The harshness dropped from her voice as she stepped closer to me, palming my cheek with a gentleness that didn't quite coincide with her severe outward appearance. “I want to teach you to defend yourself, I _need_ to teach you to defend yourself...”

That's when I realized that she wasn't just worried or being an over-protective girlfriend, she was in actual pain. Seeing me hurt was bringing up painful memories for her and even if this ultimately accomplished nothing, it would give her just a little peace-of-mind. I could endure a bit of bruising, to my ego as well as my body, if it would make her feel better.

I nodded my head as I pulled her into a crushing hug, resting my face against her neck and relishing in the warmth that flooded through my chest at the comforting gesture.  
“I'm sorry, Lexa. I should have realized.”  
“It is okay.” she mumbled into my hair, “And... I suspect you will pick this up almost as easily as Trigedasleng...”

Before I could ask her what she meant she had turned and was pulling me out the door, her hand clasped firmly around mine.

 

Lexa had marched me out past the main cluster of buildings to a large, flat space, encircled by a fence made of thick tree branches. The ground within the circle was dry, packed dirt, trampled on much too often for even a weed to grow. Two weapons racks stood just outside the opening; one sporting heavy looking wooden replicas of weapons, the other displaying an array of actual weapons, blunted though they may be. There were a few men and women on the field already, paired up and sparring, as well as a small group of Grounders watching from behind the fence.

Unease coursed through my body as I fought against the urge to stay as far away from the angry looking Grounders with effective bludgeoning tools. It wasn't so long ago that the sight of a Grounder meant my life was in imminent danger, and seeing them wielding weapons brought those feelings back. I trusted Lexa, I knew nothing would happen to me with her right there, but the irrational fear was present none-the-less.

Maybe sensing my panic, Lexa stopped in front of the blunt metal weapons. She turned me gently to face her and as my eyes settled on hers a wave of calm washed over me. The strange sensation helped me breathe a little easier, even brought a smile to my lips in answer to her concerned look.  
“What is wrong, Clarke?” She asked, her voice low enough that no one nearby should be able to hear.

I shrugged as I looked around at the Grounders. A second glance had me realizing that most of them were in their mid-teens at most, much smaller than my mind had made them out to be in my fear.  
“Nothing Lexa, I was being silly.” I tried to brush it off. But her hand gently captured my chin and lifted my gaze to hers, those forest green eyes piercing mine.  
“You were scared,” Lexa pushed, not a question but an undeniable fact, “You were scared and starting to panic, Please, tell me what is frightening you.”

A small part of me wondered if I was that obvious, if I wasn't as good at hiding my emotions as I thought I was... But I pushed the thought aside and answered her with a sigh.  
“Since I landed I have been running from Gr-... men, with swords. Running into one of your warriors usually meant death. It's just a little hard to get past that, to willingly walk into the middle of it and believe i'll make it out alive.”

Lexa nodded, glancing around the training field herself.  
“I am sorry, I did not even think of that.” she said, more to herself than me. I felt a small jolt of anger and frowned in confusion... I wasn't angry, was I? “I could tell them to leave if that would make you more comfortable?”

I smiled then. I appreciated the thought, but if there was going to be peace between our people then I had to get used to being around them. Whether I had chosen it or not, I was a leader among my friends and I couldn't expect them to trust these people if I couldn't do it myself. Besides, I reassured myself, it's just a bunch of teenagers, right. A small voice in my head piped up then, so were all of you...

“No Lexa, I'll be okay. I can't let my fear rule me.” I assured her. She studied me for a moment; pride, lust and something undefinable swimming in her eyes in equal measure. Then she released my chin and turned to the weapons rack. I watched as she ran her fingers over the different sized swords and daggers, ignoring anything that looked too large. With her hand resting on the handle of a sword she looked over her shoulder at me one more time, her eyes measuring my body. Then she pulled down the sword beside it and came back to me.

When she passed the blade to me, handle first, I accepted it almost timidly. It wasn't that I was adverse to protecting myself, I had learnt to use a gun for a reason, it just felt like using one of these weapons was worse somehow. With a bullet, you only needed to perform one tiny motion to end a life. The death could be quick, painless, almost clean. With a sword, you were forced to face your actions...

Maybe that was it. I walked around the drop ship, my head held high. I asked everyone to do what was right, to fight to survive, to walk into danger so that we could save our friends and ultimately, our families... but in all actuality, I didn't want to. I was willing to be the monster I needed to be as long as I didn't have to face the aftermath of my actions, as long as I could justify things one way or another.

But didn't that make me a coward? If I could kill, but not face what I had done honestly, didn't that make me worse than a Grounder? Yes, they would kill without mercy, but they never denied who they were or what they had done. They weren't savages at all. They were brave and proud, strong and dutiful. And weren't these all good qualities, things I myself strive to be?

I studied the dulled blade with a new-found respect, feeling the way it rested in my palm. Yes, the Grounders weapons were from an age that was all but forgotten, but it was also an age of noble Kings and brave knights. Suddenly I wanted to learn how to use these weapons. I wanted to be brave and strong. I wanted to be able to protect and lead my friends. I never wanted to fail them again...

If Lexa noticed my realization, she didn't let on, too busy getting a sword for herself and twirling her wrist to check its acceptability. I followed her over to an empty part of the circle when she nodded to me, my apprehension gone, replaced by that annoying tingle at the base of my skull. I rolled my shoulders and managed an almighty blink when Lexa squared off against me.

She smirked at my expression and winked at me causing a hot and wholey unexpected flush across my skin.  
“Hold your sword up,” She instructed, demonstrating with her own. Until she circled me, correcting everything from how tightly I was holding the weapon, to which way my feet were pointed, I was unaware that there was a wrong way to hold a sword. Once I was doing it right she had me lower it and relax before bringing it back up again.

Again she patiently circled me, correcting the places I had gone wrong. She stopped beside me, tapping my wrist, which I had locked in place holding up the long piece of metal.  
“Relax your wrist, Clarke. If you are that rigid when in battle an opponent could brake your wrist easily, or any number of bones in your hand.”

Lifting an eyebrow I tried to do as she said, but the sword started to waver and then shake in my grip. Lexa smiled to herself as she came behind me, steadying my sword with her own strength.  
“You have to think of it as a part of you,” she whispered into my ear, making concentration a herculean task, “Your grip needs to be tight enough to keep the weapon steady, but flexible enough to allow fluidity.”

Working through the shiver that was shooting up and down my spine, I managed to find the right grip and posture. Lexa literally purred in my ear then, doing all manner of things to my mental state as fire shot through every point of contact between us, straight into the bottom of my stomach.  
“Good girl,” she purred and I actually whimpered. But before I could give any other reaction, she had pulled away and walked around in front of me. “Again.” She said with what I can only describe as an evil smirk.

I found, over the next hour, that Lexa had been right; I was picking everything up with surprising ease. She would show me something once or twice, correct me once or twice, and then something would click and it was as though I had been doing the movements all my life. My muscles ached and I was covered in sweat, but I was also a little proud of myself.

That is until Lexa took five big steps away from me, lifted her sword and crouched into a combat stance.  
“Attack.” She snapped. For a second all I could do was stare at her dumbfounded. Then my brain caught up and I shook my head. I didn't want to fight her. Mostly because she would absolutely destroy me, but also because I didn't want to accidentally get in a lucky shot and actually hurt her. She growled in frustration.  
“Klark! Either you attack or I will.”

I remained where I was, still shaking my head at her, sure that she was bluffing. I should have known that the Commander doesn't bluff.

She was like a rocket as she shot toward me. My body reacted much faster than my mind ever could, my sword coming up in a flash to catch hers just an inch from my face.Eyes wide in shock I pushed her back, but she just swung at me again, and again, and again. It was all I could do to keep from being battered by dull metal. I had no hope of hitting back, but I noticed that she wasn't actually making contact either.

I gave in to the flow of our swords, letting my body take over completely. I answered each of her movements with one of my own, marveling in the harsh dance we were performing. In the back of my mind I felt that annoying tingle dissipate throughout me, settling into my muscles, my body moving like it had always known what to do.

Even with this unexplained ability, it wasn't long before Lexa had effectively disarmed me and sent me sprawling into the dirt. She approached me, an easy smirk slipping into place as she offered me her hand. I grudgingly accepted her help, smiling at her despite myself.  
“I told you I wouldn't be any good.” I panted as we started to leave. She scoffed, looking at me sideways for a moment before replying.  
“Clarke, you just accomplished in an hour what it usually takes a year to learn.”


	16. Fire And Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations at the end if you need them

Dinner was less of a meal and more a small event. The villagers had hunted and cooked a wild boar which was still being slowly turned on a spit over a fire pit. There was a group of men playing drums and a string instrument that looked similar to a guitar, as children and adults alike danced feverishly around the main fire. And along with the platters of fruit and vegetables, the loaves of warm flat bread and the sweet, succulent meat; there was an elderly man carrying an old wicker basket filled with sweet buns.

I watched as Lexa uncharacteristically jumped to her feet and approached the old man, a wooden plate in hand. They spoke for a few minutes, Lexa smiling wide as she pointed toward me, bringing a slight flush to my skin. Then she was practically bouncing as she held out her plate. The old man placed two rolls on it before reaching over to a pot that was hanging over his small fire. Something thick and golden drizzled out and my mind flashed back to the honey buns Lexa had told me about.

I smiled to myself as she gave the man a slight bow and then walked back over the the log we had been sharing, her eyes alight with child like glee. Once she was seated she offered me the second bun, hers already halfway to her mouth. I laughed lightly as I took it, tearing it in half with the tips of my fingers before taking a bite.

The actual bun was much different to other sweet buns I'd had up on the Ark, much lighter, and with a hint of... maybe lemon. And the hot, sticky honey worked well with the flavor.We'd never actually had _real_ honey on the Ark. It was easy to see why Lexa loved them so much.

I watched her as she ate, completely absorbed in her treat. Ever since we had entered this little village she had been... different. She was still Lexa, just more relaxed, carefree... comfortable. And all these people, they treated her like family, not just their Commander, but their friend. I was happy. Lexa may come off as a hard, ruthless warlord, but the past few days had proven that she wasn't, or at least that wasn't all she was.

I smiled as she finished her bun, licking her fingers clean of the leftover sweetness before looking at me.  
“What?” she asked self consciously when she found me watching her.  
“Nothing,” I laughed, putting my uneaten half of the bun back on the plate, “It's just nice to see you so... at ease. You're never like this when we aren't alone.”

She blushed and I mentally high-fived myself. Lexa gestured at the impromptu festivities.  
“These are my people, literally.” there was a small, sweet smile playing at her lips now and my chest flooded with warmth, “This is where I was born, where I grew up. It was here that I trained as a warrior, that I made my first friends, that I kissed my first girl.” She quirked an eyebrow at me suggestively and I couldn't help but laugh. Taking my hand she laced our fingers together.  
“There are a lot of memories here, both good and bad. And while I am still their Heda, it feels wrong to hide from them. I guess I still think of TonDiSi as home...”

My heart fluttered in my chest as I watched her watching the dancing villagers. And even though I knew I shouldn't, I couldn't help thinking of my own home. How would I feel if I was showing Lexa the Ark... or even the drop ship before-

I bit back a sob as I was bombarded with the images of my friends once more. I missed them, I knew that the best way to help them was to stay with the Grounders, to find out everything I could about these 'Mountain Men'. But instead of trying to do that, I was here, at a party, thinking about how much I lo- cared, about my... Did Grounders have girlfriends?

Closing my eyes didn't help with the thoughts that were now running in circles through my mind. Pictures started to join my thoughts, memories playing on repeat simultaneously as I tried to regain control. I knew that I was beginning to panic, that the uneasy feeling now filling me up was guilt, but I couldn't bring myself to ruin Lexa's good mood.

Regardless of my intentions the Commander noticed the change in me. When I felt her squeeze my hand I opened my eyes and found her staring intently at my face, obviously concerned.  
“What is wrong, Klark.” she asked, her worry bringing out her accent.

I looked into her emerald green eyes, letting her gaze settle the spinning sensation. She was so strong, so beautiful, so kind and protective. But she also would not approve of my overwhelming guilt. So I said the only thing I could think of, the only thing that would distract us both  
“Ai gaf yu in, Leksa.”

Suddenly Lexa's pupils blew wide, a fire burning behind the darkened green that was far hotter and brighter then the bonfire raging close by. She didn't even spare the gathering another glance as she rose gracefully to her feet and pulled me away. I followed her, unsure whether it had been the deep, almost sultry tone of my voice or the use of her own language that had sparked this almost primal need in her, but willing to go along with it anyway.

As soon as she had closed the door of an empty hut behind us, she had me pressed up against the rough wood. Her body was flush with my own as she claimed my mouth in a fierce kiss that practically burned. She growled when I let out a moan, dragging my hands from her hips, up her ribcage and to her chest, giving her a firm squeeze.

Lexa's teeth bit into my bottom lip before she pulled back, gasping for air and grinding her hips into mine once. The friction forced a surprised gasp from my lips and I let my head fall against her shoulder when she repeated the action, whimpering as I shuddered. A frenzied heat was pulsing through me and although I'd just wanted a distraction, now I absolutely _needed_ her.

So I started walking us further into the hut, kissing Lexa as we went, only pulling away to finally look around the room. A bed lay under a window not three steps away and a moment later, that's where we fell, Lexa landing beneath me and pulling me back in for another bruising kiss. Our tongues clashed in a desperate fight for dominance, clashing, sucking and biting the whole time.

Usually I was happy to let my partner take the lead, but tonight I wanted more. I wanted to forget, to prove that I could be a leader, that I could succeed. We were both pulling and tugging at clothes with none too gentle hands. And soon Lexa sat on the edge of the bed, her nails digging into my bare back while I straddled her lap, a tight grip in her hair.

I wanted control, but so did Lexa. She fought against my every move, trying to overwhelm me at every moment. Then, before I could react, she had used her superior strength to flip us, my back hitting the mattress hard, Lexa crawling up my body with a triumphant smirk. She started to assualt me with hot, open mouthed kisses and bites and I tried to give in to the feeling...

But the spell was broken, ice spread slowly through my body, my hands falling from her heated skin to my sides and the tension fading instantly from my muscles. Though it wasn't until a broken sob slipped past my lips that Lexa noticed the change.

Instantly, her hands left my body, instead resting on either side of me as she held her weight up. Lexa brought her eyes level with my own, searching for _something_ , though I wasn't entirely sure what. Then her eyes roamed over my body in a quick cursory glance and I realized, she thought I was hurt. All I could do was shake my head as hot tears started to fall, lifting my hands to cover my face.

I felt Lexa's weight shift on the bed until she was sitting beside me, her hand resting feather light on my shoulder as if she wanted to comfort me but was afraid that I didn't want to be touched. As my body started to shake with violent sobs, I turned toward her, curling in on myself, bringing my knees up to my chest and wishing I could make myself smaller.

That's how I felt. Small. Like there was nothing I could do to save anyone, and even if I managed to do anything it wouldn't be enough.

Just look at my track record; The Ark didn't know if we were alive because I'd let Bellamy talk everyone into taking off their cuffs. Even though I'd compromised and started working with Bellamy, a young girl had still died. My peace talks had devolved into a gun fight. And when I had ruthlessly killed 300 men and women to keep everyone safe things had still gone horribly wrong... Raven would never be the same because I had let Murphy back inside.

So why, why did these people still claim to trust my decisions? Why was I allowed to call them my friends? Especially when my final failure had gotten nine more people killed and left the rest either kidnapped or on the run.

The Grounders were right, I'm just a child stumbling through the trees...

“KLARK! Beja Klark...” It wasn't the volume of Lexa's voice that slowed my crying, but the sheer frightened desperation that was dripping from it. I sucked in a rattling, hiccupping breath and let her hands pry me from my tight curl. She crushed me to her, her arms a strong, protective circle around me as she pressed her wet face into my neck, whispering in Trigedasleng. And if it were possible, I hated myself even more in that moment, knowing I was the reason she was crying.

“Please, Klark.” she croaked, “please tell me what is wrong. Did I hurt you?” I shook my head, still fighting to calm myself enough to talk. “Then-”  
“I'm not fit to lead them.” I confessed, my voice quiet and choked, “I'm not strong enough... I can't even – Ai laik kwelen.”

Lexa stiffened and then pulled me back so that she could look into my face.  
“You are _not_ weak, Clarke.” She said sternly, “At times I am convinced you are even stronger than me.”  
“You just proved that I'm not...” I breathed. Understanding dawned on her and she flushed a furious shade of red.  
“I am sorry-”

I pulled out of her arms and got up off the bed, still a little unsteady, my head spinning uncomfortably and that familiar ache starting in my chest.  
“Please don't apologize, Lexa.” I picked up my shirt and slid it over my head, “That was just what made me realize... I was meant to keep them safe and I couldn't. So I told myself that I would do everything I could until I had saved them. But I haven't been doing that. Instead I've been learning to use a sword and having a great time with the girl I l-like, and... and being attacked-”

I stopped in my crazed rant, my eyes going wide as I remembered that morning.  
“And being attacked by Mountain Men... Lexa where was that man taken – if I could question him, then maybe-”  
“No.” she snapped, getting up to grab her own shirt.  
“N-no? What do you mean 'no'?” All traces of my self loathing were now forgotten as I stared her down.  
“I mean that you can not.”

I watched as Lexa disappeared, her 'Heda' mask slipping into place as she located her pants and started struggling into them. Suddenly there was fire in my veins again. But this time it had nothing to do with affection, passion or primal lust. This time was much like the first, white hot anger rising within me. And it wasn't even her blatant refusal that had sparked it, it was that she was talking to me as Heda.

“And why not, _Commander_?” I snapped, “Talking to him could help me save my people.” I wasn't surprised when she turned to face me, her face blank and cold, but it did hurt.  
“I already questioned him, he had no useful information, so I killed him.”

For a moment all I could do was stare. It was like rewinding to the first time I had met Lexa. She was every bit the cold Commander as she clasped her hands behind her back and held my gaze. Every part of me ached as I tried to process what she had said, how she had said it. Why would she be acting like this? There was no reason to hide from me, unless... unless she was actually trying to hide something from me.  
“Bullshit!” I growled.

In minutes I was dressed, standing right next to the door, but unable to make myself leave. I needed to know...  
“So you killed him?” I asked, my voice cold and sharp in my own ears.  
“Yes. Do you not believe that I killed him, because I can show you the body.”  
“No, I believe you killed him.” I answered with a snarl, “What I don't believe is that he told you nothing.” Lexa's eyes flickered to mine for one fleeting second and I could see the cracks spreading through her damn mask.  
“I did not say that he said nothing, only that he had no useful information about the Skaikru.”

My hands balled into tight fists and my body started shaking in anger. She was trying to dance delicate circles around me, admitting half truths and trying to placate me without actually telling me what was going on. What could be so damn important that she would be acting like this?

I turned abruptly and opened the door.  
“Where are you going, Klark?” I flinched when the 'K' in my name clicked.  
“I am going to find a way to save my people, Heda.” the anger was gone, at least from my voice, replaced with quiet resignation. “When you decide I can be trusted with whatever you're hiding, come find me...”

And so, even though every part of me screamed to turn around, to walk back inside, I left.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ai gaf yu in, Leksa = I need you, Lexa  
> Beja = Please  
> Ai laik Kwelen = I am weak


	17. So Spill

I had nowhere to go. This is something I realized while I picked my way around the edge of TonDiSi, my arms wrapped tightly around my stomach. I started feeling sick once my rage had simmered down into quiet fury, my body was exhausted causing me to acknowledge that it had actually been a gruelingly long day.

I thought I'd be crying, but it was as though there was no emotion left in me. My body was on autopilot, my legs carrying me where they would, my mind completely empty. I was faintly aware that it was still rather warm, but there was only ice flowing through my veins. The only feeling that was prominent was the sharp tugging sensation in my chest Every step away from Lexa felt like a blazing knife sinking into my flesh while simultaneously trying to drag me back, like two supercharged magnets.

Eventually I found myself in the middle of the training field and I sank to the packed earth, laying back. I was asleep in moments.

 

There are few things worse than waking up on the hard, dusty ground in the middle of a training field, I thought as I regained consciousness. But having someone throw a bucket of water over me while i was lying on said training field was definitely one of them.

I shot up into a sitting position, spluttering as I wiped at my face.  
“What the actual fuck?” I gasped before looking up at my unwelcome alarm clock. It was Indra, easily the only Grounder I had met so far who was even more severe than the Commander herself. But, presumably, due to my reaction, the corner of her mouth was quirked up into something that could almost be mistaken for an amused smirk.  
“Heda has asked that I find you and tell you the good news.” I scoffed as I pushed myself to my feet.  
“And what good news does the almighty _Heda_ have for me this morning?” Not even trying to hide the venomous sarcasm in my voice.  
“I found Skaikru... surprisingly alive. They were held up in a cave.”

My head snapped up to look at her. Indra wasn't one to joke but I still wasn't sure until I saw the disapproving frown on her face. I didn't dare feel relief, some small part of me processing the information seemingly out of my body. My voice rang hollow in my own ears as I snapped at the warrior;  
“Well, where are they?”

Indra growled, taking three steps until she was directly in front of me, looming over me, no more than an inch away but careful not to touch me. Her anger was rolling off her in waves, and it made my own muscles twitch. The sudden desire to attack was almost overwhelming.  
“You had best watch you tongue, _SkaiPrisa_.” she spat, holding my gaze, “It could get you killed and that would be a shame.”

It was almost like I was fighting my own body when I looked away, submitting as I let my friends faces float through my mind. Something inside me was itching for the fight, even though I would lose spectacularly, but right now my people were more important than my own feelings.

Indra stayed for a second, huffing before slowly stepping back. I looked back at her.  
“Where are they, Indra?” My voice was surprisingly flat, empty of emotion. But it was better than provoking the Grounder so I wasn't about to complain. For a moment Indra looked as though she wouldn't tell me but then she spoke through gritted teeth;  
“I left them in the village center, they were being seen to by the healer.”

The next second I was running, occasionally dodging people as I made my way back into the village. I couldn't believe that they were safe, alive, until I saw for myself. And I wanted to know what had happened, I wanted to feel as though I was getting somewhere. But I hadn't even stopped to wonder who would be there waiting for me. So when I saw the three people I wanted to see more than any others, I stopped dead in my tracks, breathing heavily while I watched them.

There was a familiar mop of dark, shaggy hair sitting atop a frowning man. He was holding his shirt up, baring his stomach and a bullet wound just under his left rib cage that was weeping. Bellamy... Beside him stood the little pocket-rocket that was his baby sister. She was watching everyone around her with a careful, quiet distrust. And finally, seated against a crate behind them, Raven Reyes, the mechanical genius without which I would be dead many times over. There was a grimace of pain as she held her right knee but otherwise she seemed unharmed.

Everything seemed to start settling back into my body and I took a tentative step forward. They were alive... I hadn't lost everyone... with Bellamy, Octavia and Raven, maybe I – maybe _we_ stood a chance. So I pushed myself slowly toward them, scared that it I went too fast, made any sudden movements, they would disappear. By the time Octavia saw me, I had tears in my eyes and couldn't seem to move my feet any more.

But I didn't have to. The younger girls eyes blew wide and she grabbed tightly to Bellamy's arm, pointing at me before shouting.  
“Clarke!” Her tone was equal relief and disbelief, both shattering me and filling me with a gentle warmth. When she ran forward, crashing into my trembling body, it was all I could do to wrap my arms tightly around her slight frame.

She was talking rapidly in my ear but I couldn't decipher a single word around the absolute flood of relief that washed over me. I hadn't realized just how deep my worry and guilt had gone, how much I had pushed it down so that I could keep going. Now it all hit me like a tidal wave of raw emotion.

Then Bellamy was there, gently prying us apart and sweeping me into his strong embrace. I let him hold me, ignoring the insistent pull in mt chest that told me that Lexa was watching. His warmth helped me calm myself, borrowing his strength the way we had both done so many times in the past seven months.

“How are you going, Princess?” Bellamy asked once I'd pulled away. Finn flashed through my mind at the mention of the ridiculous nickname and I flinched, but I swallowed the grief down and offered a small smile, starting to walk over to where Raven waited impatiently..  
”I-I found Finn.” I admitted, in a choked whisper, “I was so worried... I'd come back with a treaty and – but then I found the dropship and- I thoght- I couldn't-”  
“Whoa there, Clarke.” Raven interrupted with a raised eyebrow.

She pulled me down to sit beside her, slinging an arm over my shoulders. I didn't realize how much the world had been spinning until I was sitting, taking deep breaths and leaning into the mechanic.  
“There's a lot to catch each other up on... a lot to do. But we can't do that while we're all starved and reeling.” She reasoned. As though given permission to, the Blake siblings visibly relaxed. “Lets find some food and then we can talk, sound like a plan.”

As though he had been summoned, Hozay was right there beside me. Lexa must have sent him over... I was still angry with her, I was putting not only my life, but the lives of all my friends in her hands and she couldn't even trust me with whatever that soldier had said. But I couldn't help the twinge of guilt, even though we were fighting she was still looking out for me.  
“Is there anything you need, SkaiPrisa?” Hozay asked, trying and failing to look like he just happened to be nearby.  
“Yeah, can we get some food please, Hozay?”

He nodded at me before walking up to one of the young women at the edge of the road. I ignored the questioning looks from my friends as I let my eyes flit around. The tugging in my chest intensified as they landed on Lexa, leaning stoically against the wooden wall of a hut. For once I couldn't read her and it hurt. She was so deeply entrenched in her hard, uncaring Heda disguise.

I had hurt her, I had left. I didn't want to and it was a struggle to stay away, even now when I knew she had no warmth to offer in her current state. But I didn't want things with Lexa to end, especially not like this. I may not be ready to say it, but I was quickly accepting that I didn't just like the Commander, I was in love with her.

 

It wasn't long before the four of us had found seats around a small fire, a plate of fruit, bread and last nights wild boar in each persons lap. My stomach was empty, my body and mind suffering from the resulting sluggishness, but the food only made me think of Lexa. I picked it apart as Raven, Bellamy and Octavia worked in tandem to fill me in on everything that had happened.

“We were just getting ready to send out a search party when... when Finn got back to camp.” Bellamy said, pausing to take a long drink of water, “He told us what happened, that you had gone to the Grounder city, which by the way was a stupid thing to do alone.”

“At which point I made it clear to this hot-head that he couldn't go running after you because no one actually knew where this city was.” Raven added, rolling her eyes as Bellamy mumbled something about how he would have found it eventually.

“But that's when they attacked.” This time it was Octavia, fiddling with a crude knife as she chewed on a piece of bread. “Soldiers in hazmat with guns. The gunners hadn't shot them because they'd assumed we were all on the same side. But as soon as we opened the gate they started shooting.”

I listened as they explained how Bellamy had sent Octavia to help Raven to the concealed tunnel, that Finn and Bellamy had fought their way there after them. Bellamy had gone through first, thinking that Finn was right behind him, but then the entrance had collapsed and he was forced to rush out to meet up with the girls or be swallowed by the earth. It didn't help that Finn had ultimately died a hero, making it so that they could get away without being followed, but it did make me smile.

Once they were finished I started my own story, leaving out the more intimate details about me and Lexa. Raven seemed to notice I was holding back but didn't do more than quirk an eyebrow at me. They agreed that the treaty I'd made was the best thing I could have done.  
“Once we get everyone back, it will mean that we can actually live, Clarke.” It's not perfect but at this point even I'm willing to compromise.” Bellamy assured me, a comforting hand resting on my shoulder.

We went around in circles for a little longer, talking about the Mountain Men, mostly speculation based on what we knew. At some point, Lincoln, Octavia's Grounder boyfriend, came over to sit beside her, instantly slipping his hand into hers. I inhaled sharply and stared down at my hands where they sat clasped tightly in my lap.

The conversation had turned to white noise around me as my mind wandered to Lexa. My hand burned as I remembered the way it felt to hold her hand. I felt the ghost of her lips against mine, the sound of her laugh in my ears. Everything just felt right when I was with her, but it was more than that... I wanted to hear stories about her life, I wanted to learn why she was the way she was, I wanted to learn everything there was to know about her.

“Not that I don't love listening to the Blake's insult each other,” Raven suddenly quiped, “But I am dying over here. Clarke! Why don't you help me back to that hut your Grounder escort said we could use?” My head snapped up at the none too subtle request and I sighed as I pushed myself to my feet and bent to help Raven up too.

We walked slowly toward the empty building that had been assigned to us for the day. She was silent until we'd gotten inside and I had lowered her into a chair at the table.  
“So what did you want to talk about, Raven?” I asked, taking the empty seat to her left. I couldn't bring myself to look up into her eyes.

“Well then,” she started, leaning back in her chair in an attempt to get comfortable. “What the hell happened while you were alone with these Grounders?”  
“I told you all what happened.” I reached into my boot, without having decided to do so, and pulled out Lexa's knife from the day before. I twirled it in my fingers, the way I had seen her do it that very first time we'd met.  
“No, you didn't. You gave us the facts, but that's not all that happened.” Raven insisted, “I can tell, something with that _Commander_ of yours... and something about _you_ too, you're just... different.”

I looked at her then, wanting to put the knife down and sweep her into a hug... but I couldn't. My hand kept playing expertly with the knife and no matter how much I tried to still my fingers they just kept moving, as though I wasn't even controlling them. I frowned but pushed aside my growing concern when Raven nudged me.  
“So spill.”

And I did. I told the mechanic everything. From the moment Lexa had pulled me into that alleyway until the moment I had walked away the night before. It was somehow freeing to talk about it, to not have to hold onto it by myself. When I was done Raven just stared at me with wide eyes before letting out a low whistle.  
“Shit girl,” she laughed, “You've got it bad, don't you?”

I think if my face hadn't fallen at that moment then she would have devolved into a fit of laughter. But, gratefully, she opted for pulling me into her, careful of the hand that was still playing with the knife. Again I frowned in concentration as I tried to stop, again nothing happened.

“Um, by the way, awesome knife skills but could you cut that out?” Raven asked as she pushed me away.  
“I'm trying...” I hissed through gritted teeth.  
“What do you mean you trying, just stop.”  
“I-I can't.”

Abruptly, I shot to my feet, my chair flying backwards and toppling over to hit the ground. I turned almost mechanically and headed straight for the door. No matter, how much I tried to stop walking, no matter how much I wanted to stop, I just kept moving... I wasn't in control.

The door opened and I walked into the blazing heat of the day, a passenger in my own body.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone for reading and i hope you're all enjoying the story  
> Also please don't forget to leave you're comments and kudos, i love reading them, i just don't always reply because I'm afraid of giving things away.


	18. Destined To Be My Conqueror

I was faintly aware of the hot sun beating down on me, of my tight grip on the handle of Lexa's knife, the subtle sounds of the villagers going about their lives. But what I felt more than anything was the excruciating pull in my chest that seemed to be guiding my legs.

I could actually _feel_ Lexa. I couldn't say _how_ or why, but the fact was there in my mind, unrefutable. She was frustrated and angry, but beneath that she was filled with a sadness so deep it threatened to overwhelm my mind. If I had been in control I would have fallen to my knees and torn at m chest, trying to stop the feeling.

With every step there was a light _thump-thump_ that grew in intensity the closer I got to Lexa's hut. Her heart beat, I realized I could feel it like it was pressed right against my own and by the time I was standing outside her door, they were beating in sync.

_Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump_

I could only watch as my free hand reached out and pushed roughly on the door, it swung open and smashed against the wall with a loud crash. There were three people in the room and all of there eyes snapped toward me as I stepped slowly over the threshold. I felt Lexa's eyes shoot up and down, taking in everything about my stance in one fleeting second.

But it was only as I felt the grip on the knife change that I realized what she already had, I was poised to attack.  
“Clarke?” she asked warily, but I couldn't answer. I pushed and struggled with renewed purpose, tried to scream, to do anything. But it was useless, I had no control. I hoped she could see me, as my eyes locked onto hers, I hoped that she could tell that I didn't want to do what I was about to do.

“Heda...” My head whipped around and I saw Indra and another warrior, their hands poised over their swords.

“No!” Lexa barked, “Hod op! Jomp em op en yu jomp ai op.” The two warriors backed down, stepping away as Lexa came to stand in the middle of the room. “Klark, Chit's gon daun?”  
 _I don't know_ I wanted to yell at her, but nothing happened. The only sound my body made was a blood curdling snarl that ripped from my lips just seconds before my muscles launched me forward.

I collided hard with Lexa, my momentum sending us spilling onto the floor while she used her mercifully armored forearm to deflect the knife. Her leg hooked around my hip and she rolled us over, trying to pin my arms down and keep me still. My body bucked beneath her until my foot planted against the floor, launching her over me.

Lexa crashed against a wooden chair, the wood splintering from the force sending pieces skittering across the room. My legs lifted into the air, my shoulders braced against the ground and my legs swung down, the momentum and a hard push from my shoulders practically throwing me to my feet. When I turned, it was to see Lexa, picking herself up, holding her hand up at Indra, a silent command to stay back.

I pushed and pulled, fighting for control, searching for a way to stop my body. It was like a nightmare. I was forced to watch as my body tried to kill the woman I loved. Nothing I did, no amount of screaming inside my head, was even slowing me down.

We clashed again, Lexa refusing to draw her own weapon even as I slashed at her ribs, neck, arms, anywhere I could reach. I had never been more grateful for armor in my life, the coat, the vest that I knew was lined with metal wiring, the grieves on her arms. Each piece saved her life at least once.

As I stabbed at her once again, she ducked under my arm and her fist connected just under my right breast.

I reeled back, coughing, my eyes locking back onto Lexa's. I pleaded silently for her to understand as I cried within my own mind.  
“Klark, snap out of it!” she growled. But my only answer was to rush her yet again. And again she dodged, spinning around my body and kicking my knees out from under me.

A grunt left my lips as I landed hard on the ground, but my body had a one track mind. My hand flew behind me even as I was falling, grabbing Lexa's leg before she could pull away and throwing her past me with a strength I shouldn't possess. She absorbed the landing with enviable grace and rolled back into a crouch.

The last thing I saw before pain lanced through my skull was the palm of her hand shooting out to hit me in the nose. Tears streaming from my eyes, I focused on the pain and pushed, willing my voice to work.  
“Lexa...” I whimpered.

 

Control came back to me slowly while I lay on the bed in Lexa's hut, my heart beating to it's own rhythm. Once she had heard me she seemed to decide that the danger had passed and sent the warrior off to get a healer. Under Indra's disapproving glare she lifted me in her arms, cradling my limp form to her and then layed me down gently on the bed.

Silent tears fell down the sides of my face, landing annoyingly in my ears.  
“Indra, could you go and get me some water; a heated bowl full for cleaning, and some to drink.” Her voice was carefully measured, as though she was trying to maintain a soothing enough tone while still sounding authoritative. Indra for her part looked as though she would rather do literally anything but leave them alone. “Now, Indra.”  
“Sha, Heda.”

When Indra had left, purposely leaving the door open, Lexa pressed a gentle kiss to each of my cheeks, brushing away my tears with her thumbs.  
“I am so sorry, Clarke.” She whispered into my ear. I thought she was talking about having to hit me until she spoke again, her voice thick with tears. “I should have warned you... I should have told you when you asked.”

I didn't understand. What should she have warned me about? Did she know this was going to happen? How could she have possibly known that this was going to happen? For that matter, how the hell did I lose complete control of my body? Wait, when I asked? But the only time I'd asked her anything was... last night.

Did this have something to do with the Mountain Man?

I opened my mouth to finally ask one of the million questions flying around my mind, but all that came out was a breathy whimper. And before I could try again Lexa was standing up, moving aside so that the healer could get to me.

 

The healer had told Lexa that there was nothing she could do to help me, I might have a few bruises in the morning but otherwise there was nothing wrong with me, my night blood was seeing to that.  
“What do you mean Night Blood?” Lexa asked abruptly, “She's Skaikru, she can not be Natblida.” The healer looked shaken as she answered, pointing to my stinging lip.  
“See there,”the healer said, “The split in her lip bleeds black. I am sorry, Heda, I thought you knew.”

Lexa dismissed the healer and I flexed my fingers before pushing myself into a sitting position. She sat on the edge of the bed and with tentative movements, lifted my chin and inspected my lip. Her thumb ran over the wound and did indeed come back with a half-dried smear of black blood.

All I could do was stare at her with wide eyes.  
“Lexa,” I rasped, fear settling in my chest, “Lexa, what is happening to me?” Instead of answering she pulled me to her, her arms wrapping tightly around me as I shook. I could feel her heart beating against my chest and it was comforting in a way words never would be.

Indra walked in then and Lexa left me to go and talk in fierce, hushed whispers with her general. When she took the bowl of water from the disgruntled warrior the other woman wasted no time storming from the room, shooting daggers at me with her dark eyes. Lexa breathed in deeply before slowly releasing her breath, calming herself.

“Indra's right.” I said in a small voice as I swung my legs off the bed, glad that I could. Lexa paused on her way back over to me but then shook her head and sat down beside me.  
“Indra is right about a great many things,” she said as she wet a piece of red cloth and started to wipe gently at my face, “but in this matter she is not.”  
“She wants to kill me, right? Doesn't want you alone with me?”  
“Correct.”  
“Then she's right! I don't know what just happened, but I was trying to _kill_ you Lexa.”

She sighed, finished with my face and now pulling my hands into her lap, cleaning the dirt and blood from them with gentle wipes.  
“It was not you trying to kill me, Clarke. I saw that the moment I looked into your eyes.” She was focused intently on something, looking straight through my hands as she worked. I sat still, waiting patiently for her to continue even though I was sick of her cryptic answers. She put the cloth back into the bowl and instead held my hands in hers, tracing patterns over my skin.

“I told you the story of PrimHeda, how she came from the heavens and gifted her Spirit to the blessed.” I nodded, remembering the painted glass on the doors of the throne room. “PrimHeda was said to have a second, a woman that she had trusted more than any other whilst living in the heavens. She shared all her knowledge with her second, told her secrets, shared with this woman her dreams and visions for life among the people on the ground.”

“Then PrimaHeda's second turned on her, revealed her plans to those they lived with. PrimHeda gathered all her knowledge and fled before her second could stop her. She wanted to bring peace to the people on the ground, wanted to help us grow stronger, to survive. But her second believed that life should only belong to those that could live among the stars.”

“The legend says that PrimHeda warned that one day her second may fall from the sky, her Spirit within a new vessel. That this vessel would seek to destroy Heda's Spirit, to end its cycle. Until I spoke with the Maunon I had though it to be nothing more than a legend. A story told to Natblida's so that they would learn not to trust freely.”

My head was swimming as I tried to make sense of what she was saying. I knew that she believed that she was the reincarnation of all the Commanders before her, her faith didn't bother me. After all, even the Arkers had a sort of religion, it helped people regardless of its truth. But it almost sounded like she was trying to say that she thought I was carrying one of these _Spirits_ too.

“Lexa,” I started gently, but she shook her head.  
“I asked the maunon why he was hunting you.” she explained, still refusing to meet my eyes. “He said that something had arrived at the same time as your ship. He said that it was a weapon that would finally mean the end of me. He laughed like a mad-man as he told me that whoever the weapon was _in,_ was going to kill me.” she shuddered, a tear falling from her eye, leaving a trail down her cheek.

“I wanted to know why he needed to kidnap all the Skaikru if this weapon was going to come after me anyway. His answer was that they wanted to find it, to unlock all the knowledge within it so that this person could take my place.” I wanted to comfort her, to tell her everything was going to be alright, tell her that her stories were just that, stories. But something stopped me...

“I don't know how, Clarke, but I knew this meant that this person, carrying this weapon, was the Spirit of PrimHeda's second. I knew that this vessel would have a scar like mine at the nape of their neck. And once I had felt your scar, I knew that it was you. Whether you knew it or not, you were destined to be my conqueror.”

The information hit me like a fist to the face. I wanted to refute it, to proclaim that she was wrong, even as my own hand pulled out of her loose hold and felt my neck. I couldn't contain the gasp when I did indeed find a scar there, just below my hair-line, maybe an inch long When had that happened? How had that happened?

But I knew. My mother was the best and most senior doctor on that floating tin-can. There was no way she would have let anyone else operate on me. Wouldn't have trusted any other surgeon to put... what was even in me? But she also wouldn't have done it without knowing exactly what it could do to me... She had known and she'd done it anyway.

And even worse than that betrayal was the helplessness I felt when I remembered this _Spirit's_ purpose. I was supposed to kill Lexa... And it seemed that I wouldn't even get a choice in the matter. The spirit was just going to consume me and use my body to carry out it's vendetta against a woman long dead.

“Indra was right, Lexa...”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my big revelation is here and i would really like some feedback on this chapter. Let me know what you think but otherwise i hope your enjoying the story.
> 
> Trigedasleng  
> Hod op! Jomp em op en yu jomp ai op. = Wait! Attack her and you attack me.  
> Klark, Chit's gon daun? = Clarke, what's going on?


	19. You Need A New Hobby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now i know i shouldn't really take one bad comment to heart, especially because it holds next to no merit, but i guess i'm pretty invested in this and so if you're going to criticize my story at least be constructive.  
> That's all for the whole mopey 'please don't pick on me' train of thought. :)  
> Hope you're all still enjoying the story

It was cold. I was wrapped in furs, but it was still cold. The sun had gone down, the air was still hot, but I was still cold. I simply laid down on Lexa's bed, tuning everything else out. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I registered that Lexa was trying to talk to me, comfort me, give me empty reassurances, but I couldn't hear them. I was too cold.

Octavia was the first person Lexa allowed in to try and get me moving again. She pushed and pulled on my limp body but I was dead weight, unresponsive. Octavia was such a free spirit. She wasn't born for the Ark, it was here on the ground that she flourished... She deserved better than what I could give her. Eventually she huffed in anger and frustration before storming from the room.

Raven came next, limping inside and sitting on the edge of the bed. She started cracking jokes, something about me being a badass assassin now. Her humor was always a little on the darker side, making fun of the really bad situations so that they didn't frighten her so much. When that didn't work she started in on a theory she had. That after seeing and hearing how things went down, she thought maybe these _Spirits_ Lexa was talking about were actually Artificial Intelligence, because what else could completely override the nervous system?

And finally, Bellamy came in, standing against the wall beside the window. He was silent for so long that I almost forgot he was there.  
“When O was little, I came home one day and she was banging against the hatch. Mom had put her in there for a surprise inspection and hadn't been able to let her out before the guard had asked her to come answer some questions. It had been hours and when I finally got the hatch open, she launched out, knocking us both to the floor.” He rubbed the back of his neck subconsciously, looking out the window.

“She was crying so hard. Hysterical. She said she had been afraid that we had left her. She complained that the guard were always controlling me and our mother, that we would give her up if they told us to.” He shook his head and smiled, of all things, at the memory. “Of course I told her how stupid that was, that they would have to kill me before I let them take her. She said she was always so alone, alone in the dark and I didn't get it.”

He laughed, pushing off the wall and sitting down on the bed.  
“She was right, I didn't understand what it was like to be trapped in a tiny black hole all by myself. But I took her in my arms and I said the best thing I've ever said in my entire life;” When he tugged on my arm I relented and sat up. His arm went around my shoulders as he continued. “I told her that she would never be alone. That even when everything was at it's darkest, when it felt like she had no control over her life, I would always be right there with her...”

“We'll never abandon you, Princess.” He said before pressing a soft kiss to the top of my head. “You can push us away, you can hide out all by yourself, punish yourself for something you had no control over, but you'll never be alone.” With one final squeeze he stood up and left the room.

In the morning I forced myself out of bed, washed myself off as best I could with a small wooden tub filled with room-temperature water, and dressed in a clean set of clothes that Lexa had brought in the night before. I didn't feel g _ood_ , but it certainly felt _better_ to be clean and dressed.

It was dawn, so I didn't expect to find anyone outside, but sitting vigil at a small campfire not far from the door, was Lexa. A pain in my chest that I hadn't realized was there suddenly dissipated and I felt lighter. I took a deep breath and went to sit across from Lexa. There was a lot to go through if I wanted to fix our relationship.

“Good Morning, Clarke.” Her tone was careful, as though she was afraid I would brake, “Did you sleep?” I nodded and accepted a steaming cup of what I was pretty sure was tea. She smiled at me and started tending the fire.  
“I'm sorry, Lexa.” I said, holding up a hand to stop her inevitable interruption. “Let me speak, please.” After a moment she gave me a slow nod.

“I'm sorry that my people have done this. I know I have no control over it, that betrayal cuts deep, but you still have to deal with the outcome. And I understand why you didn't tell me what you knew. You thought you were protecting me, or some other noble cause... But i'm not some fragile child that needs to be sheltered. I've been thrown head-first into leadership and I'll admit that half the time I have no idea what I'm doing, but that doesn't mean that I'm not capable of doing it.”

I sighed, rubbing at the stinging behind my eyes, refusing to cry.  
“You need to trust me, respect me as a leader in my own right. I... I want to be with you, but that can't happen if you see me as something small and weak and helpless, something that needs to be sheltered. I don't know how to be that girl.”

Lexa was on her feet before I had even finished talking, walking around the fire and crouching down in front of me. I let her take my hands in hers and looked down into her deep, forest green eyes. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to look into those eyes, the way it just felt so _right_ , like finally being able to breathe after drowning for days... like coming home.

“I did not even think about that.” she confessed, sounding almost horrified at herself, “I know how strong you are, Clarke. I know that you don't need me to protect you and shelter you. And please believe me when I say that I do trust you.” There were unshed tears in her eyes now, threatening to spill onto her cheeks. “You are everything that I wish I could be and I would never, ever wish you to change. I don't want that girl, Clarke, I want only you.”

I leaned in close, slowly closing the distance between us, pressing my forehead to hers. For a moment we stayed like that, eyes closed, breathing each other in.

“What if I try to kill you again?” I asked when I found my voice again, too scared to open my eyes. Lexa sighed, reaching up to caress my cheek lightly.  
“I trust you, Clarke. That means with my life.” The words sank into my bones, warming me to my very core. They did more to heal me than anything else ever could, even if it was stupid of Lexa to believe them.

The kiss that I pressed to her lips was soft and tentative. More for reassurance and comfort than anything else. She didn't press for more, content for the simple contact that didn't carry any heat.  
“I can't control it...”  
“I know.”  
“I'm angry.”  
“I would be too.”  
“I'm scared.”  
“I will not leave you.”  
“I love you.”  
“Ai hod yu in.”

 

A few hours later Lexa had made her rounds, saying goodbye to the villagers and Indra was in the process of organizing their party for departure. They were going back to Polis where Lexa could organize her armies.

I watched from beside Kery as Octavia argued adamantly with Indra, insisting that she be allowed to ride a horse instead of walking or riding in the cart with Raven. Indra seemed to have an instant and thorough loathing for not just me, but all the sky people. Maybe this would have pissed me off a few days ago, but I knew it was out of care and loyalty to her Heda. The severe warrior would not let anything happen to Lexa and it comforted me, knowing she wouldn't hesitate to kill me if I couldn't be stopped during my next _episode_.

When we finally left TonDiSi, it was an hour later than anyone had wanted. I rode beside Lexa in a comfortable silence. I could still feel the tugging in my chest that seemed to connect me directly to her, it made yearn to be closer and I hated it. I now knew that it wasn't some magical pull, some sign that we were meant for each other. It was just my subconscious wanting me to get close enough to kill her.

And yet my body ached for her too. Every time I glanced over at her I wanted to wrap her in my arms, I wanted to feel her heart beating steadily beside my own. I wanted to press my face into the dip between her neck and shoulder and let her hold me in the quiet strength of her embrace. That pull in my chest now disgusted me, but it didn't stop a familiar warmth flooding me when I caught Lexa glancing sidelong at me too.

I had meant it when I told her that I loved her. But I'd also been afraid that it wouldn't feel the same now that we both knew why I'd been drawn to her in the first place. It was a pleasant surprise to find that if anything, I loved her even more. She was willing to accept me for who I was, uncontrollable murderous tendencies and all.

Behind us Octavia was questioning Indra. Her fierce determination coming across as anger while she asked why she couldn't be trained to fight, why no one but Lincoln would even acknowledge her. Indra stared forward, ingnoring the small sky girl with unwavering determination. I smirked, knowing that being ignored would just make Octavia push that much harder, that she wouldn't stop until she had an answer she deemed acceptable.

I smiled without any reservation for the first time in days. It was easy to forget that Octavia was actually only sixteen because she always had to instill herself thoroughly in whatever was going on around her. I had missed it, that intensity, the passion and excitement that she poured into everyt situation.

“I missed that.” Lexa confessed softly, and I started, wide eyed because she had just voiced my thoughts.  
“M-missed what?” I asked. Lexa laughed at my facial expression.  
“Your smile, ai hodness. I seems like it has been too long since I have seen it, I missed it.” There was such a gentle, genuine tone in her voice, almost dripping with admiration. It was enough to send a hot flush to my cheeks.

It was then that three loud cracks echoed through the tree's. My frazzled mind took a second to place the familiar sound.

Gunshots.

“Everybody get down!” Bellamy's voice shouted from the middle of our party. I tried to comply, to swing my leg over Kery's flank, but my movements were slow and sluggish. I couldn't figure out why, even as my boot go caught in the stirrup and the world tipped. The only reason I didn't end up hitting my head on the ground was because somehow Lexa was there, catching my shoulders. She unhooked my boot and lowered me to the ground.

After a quick set of orders there were four Grounders around us, acting as a shield while Lexa checked me over. I couldn't breathe properly, I realized, and my left leg was oddly numb, tingling with intense pins and needles.

Deciding that it was safe to move me, Lexa hooked her arms under mine and started dragging me into the tree-line. She turned to run back out the the fight, more gunshots and a few cry's of pain reached me through the strange haze in my mind. But my hand shot out, closing around her wrist with a vice-like grip. There wasn't enough air in my lungs to speak so I begged with my eyes. She smiled at me and leant down to kiss the top of my head.  
“I will be right back, Clarke.”

I hated it. I even tried to push myself to my feet and follow her, but I was forced to give up on that as fire ripped through my left thigh. All the air I'd managed to pull into my lungs escaped in some kind of scream-growl hybrid. Why did I always seem to be the one that got hurt?

Okay Clarke, I scolded myself, figure out what the hell is wrong with you. So, with shaking hands I felt my chest, my fingers brushing against a small circle of still warm metal that was embedded in the wired vest. It was pressing uncomfortably against my left lung but at least it was outside of my body.

After a moment of trying and failing to pry it out I moved on. My leg was on fire now and it was surprisingly difficult to find the bullet hole in the black leather, especially seeing as my blood was now black... I don't think I'll ever really get used to that.

I felt around to the other side of my thigh and groaned, there was no exit wound. That meant that the damn thing was still in my leg and I had no way to know how far into my leg it was.

The sounds of ringing steel and gunshots had died down, I could hear voices just beyond the trees. I waited impatiently, pressed my hand against my bleeding bullet hole while I bit down on my lip. I tried to distract myself by thinking back to the one time I had helped my mom remove a bullet from someone's arm. She had widened the hole, held it open and used her tongs to pull it out. Without anesthetic and the right tools, that would be a very painful task.

Finally Lexa appeared through the foliage and instantly I felt better. She seemed to relax by degrees too when she saw me, a smile quirking her lips. She crouched down in front of me, lifting my face with gentle fingers to catch my eyes. There was red blood splashed across her right arm but otherwise she looked untouched.

And suddenly I needed her. I needed to feel her warmth, her breath, her strong heart. For some reason I wasn't just shaking from the pain or the shock, but from the fear I had felt as she ran to join the fight. I grabbed the back of her neck with my free hand and yanked her down.

Our lips crashed together and a fire seemed to ignite from the contact. I nipped at Lexa's bottom lip and she opened her mouth to me, accepting my probing tongue with unmatched eagerness. I moaned as she started to fight for control, and after a moment, I gave in, letting myself be consumed by her.

Eventually we were forced apart by the need to breath. At some point Lexa had shifted and was straddling my lap, still careful to keep her weight off of me. We didn't move apart, heads pressed together as we breathed deeply. I let myself fall into the smell of rain, grass and sunshine, pressing Lexa's chest against my own despite the bruising pain it caused.

“You are determined to catch bullets.” she growled once she had her breath back. I couldn't help but laugh, especially when she pulled back to frown at me. “It's not funny, Clarke... You need a new hobby.” Then we were both laughing and I wished that we could just stay in this stolen moment, that I could forget everything and just be a normal girl in love with her beautiful girlfriend.

 

I was stuck in the cart with Raven after that, Raven who was overjoyed that “Now we're twins, Clarke!” I let her tease me only because she had managed to use a knife to get the bullet out of my vest, and she had filled me in on what happened.

Apparently, a team of twelve Mountain men had been lying in wait. After the first three shots she and Bellamy had grabbed the two rifles I had and emptied the clips trying to keep them at bay. The Grounders had jumped into action the moment Lexa had opened her mouth, Indra even tackling Octavia out of the path of one of the shooters.

But it wasn't until Lexa had come back out to join the fray, that the tides started to turn. She'd been a whirlwind of steel and fury, diving into the Mountain men's cover to attack them head on. We had lost three warriors and a solitary soldier was tied up in the back of our cart, the air canisters stacked beside him so that Lexa could keep him alive for as long as possible.

I tried not to think about why she wanted him alive as we finally rolled into Polis.

 

 


	20. My Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so it's 2 am and i wanted to get this posted before i went to bed so i haven't actually edited it properly. Therefore i am deeply sorry for any spelling mistakes, missing letters, repeating words, horrible grammatical errors, ect. ect.  
> It also happens to be a bit longer than what i've been posting lately so theres that.  
> Enjoy

From the moment we had entered the city limits, Lexa had been swept up into meetings. I had taken Bellamy, Octavia and Raven up to my rooms, knowing that as much as I wanted time alone with Lexa I was unlikely to get it that night.

It took Ella only two minutes to show up, slightly out of breath. Her eyes widened when Octavia carefully peeled my blood soaked leather pants off and revealed my gunshot wound.  
“SkaiPrisa...” she breathed, clearly concerned.  
“Clarke,” I corrected her through my hiss of pain. From the conrner of my eye I could almost swear I saw the girl roll her eyes.  
“Shall I get a healer?” She asked, “...Clarke.”

I couldn't help it, I let out a sharp bark of laughter, instantly regretting it when Octavia jumped, knocking my leg.  
“Arggh! O!”  
“Sorry.” she didn't sound sorry at all, but I let it go, turning back to Ella.  
“yes please, and if you could bring some things...”

I gave the girl a list of equipment and she hurried off, promising to also have food brought up. Which then left Raven quirking an eyebrow at me.  
“What?” I tied a strip of cloth above the still seeping bullet wound and wiped some of the pitch black blood away.  
“Well, to start with, we have noticed that you now bleed oil and are most likely some kind of mechanical impersonator.” Her words implied a joke, but her tone was dead serious. I sighed, a frown creasing my brow.  
“I think it's this stupid _Spirit_ I supposedly have. Lexa says she has one too-” There were three sets of shocked eyes that widened at the revelation, “Oh don't worry, hers is a good guy, a hero, the savior of all Grounders.”

I knew I sounded bitter, that Lexa didn't make up the legends of her people and I shouldn't feel the small ball of jealous resentment coiling in my gut. But it was there none-the-less.  
“Anyway, Lexa has one too and she's always had black blood. The grounders call them Natblida's.”  
“Night bloods...” Octavia supplied in a near whisper, “Lincoln told me about them, they're born with black blood and trained so that, if and when Heda falls, one of them can take her place.”  
“Yeah,” I confirmed, shifting in an attempt to get more comfortable. My leg spasmed and white-hot fire shot through my veins. I hissed, breathing heavily a few times before continuing. “Only a Natblida can carry Heda's Spirit according to Lexa, so I think my blood changed so that the _Spirit_ could do whatever it's doing.”

The door opened again and this time Ella was followed by a large grounder man. There was an almost delicate tribal tattoo running from his left temple, down his cheek. And a circle inside a circle cut through his right eye, the lines thick and black. There was a thick mane of hair and a long, bushy beard that made him look like one of the warriors I had seen. But instead of weapons there were bags of herbs tied to his belt and he had a satchel over one shouldter from which the clinking of glass could be heard.

The new grounder went straight to the fireplace and hung a large metal bucket filled with water over the ashes there. He lit a fire while Ella came to the bed, a bundle of clean cloth under one arm and a few small knives in the other hand.  
“Nyko said that he knows what you are referring to, but he doesn't have access to any.” She said, nodding at the man by the fire. Bellamy was standing only feet away, his arms crossed over his chest.

“It should not be a problem.” The man said as he straightened and walked right pass Bellamy without any hesitation. “I have removed many bullets from warriors, it will leave a scar, it will hurt, but I promise not to cut out a chunk of your leg.”  
“Ha, I like him.” Raven exclaimed, sinking further into the couch now that she didn't think anyone was in danger.

The next half an hour wasn't pleasant. Nyko cut a cross over the wound and did manage to dig the bullet out of my flesh, but it was pretty deep, maybe a thrid of the way into the muscle. I spent the whole time screaming into a thick piece of leather between my teeth, cutting off the blood flow to Octavia's fingers. Finally he closed the wound with a thine but surprisingly strong cord, though I had to lok away as he stitched me together.

He covered the site in the same glowing salve the other healer had used before wrapping it in clean bandages.  
“Heda would heal from this wound in a day or two, so I suspect you will be back to normal in no time>” Nyko said with a small smile and a nod of his head.

My stomach chose that moment to growl, making me aware that it was very hollow. Food had arrived some time during my ordeal but the thought of eating sent a wave of nausea through me.  
”You should eat, SkaiPrisa, regain your strength.” Nyko suggested while he finished packing up his supplies.  
“Thank you Nyko, I'll try.”

When we were alone again Raven spoke again.  
“And why does everyone keep calling you 'SkaiPrisa'!? Honestly.” Her exasperated question had me splutterng on a sip of water I'd taken. Octavia patiently patted my back until I had composed myself.  
“It means 'Sky Princess'.”I admitted, a blush instantly coloring my cheeks, “Lexa's spy's heard everyone call me 'Princess' all the time and assumed it was a title, not a nickname.”

For one blissful moment there was complete and utter silence while they processed this. But then, as one, they all started cackling. I shot each one a dirty look but it only seemed to fuel their fits of hysteria.

While I waited it out I drank some more water and reached back to undo my vest. By the time they had settled down I was throwing the vest onto the floor and trying to stand up.  
“Whoa there, Princess.” Bellamy scolded gently when I let out a small cry of pain and stumbled. He stepped around the couch to steady me but I pushed him away.  
“I can do it myself, Bell.” I all but growled.  
“Yeah, I know you can, but that doesn't mean you have to.”

At that, all my misguided hostility melted away. I was more comforting than I ever thought it would be, hearing those words. We stayed in my room until long after the sun had gone down. We talked about the Mountain men's attack, their weapons, the skills they seemed to have, how their suits worked. The others ate and tried to get me to as well, but despite the pounding in my head and the weariness in my bones, I just couldn't.

Lincoln knocked on the door an hour after the sun went down to tell everyone that Lexa had arranged for them to have their own rooms along the hall. He took Octavia with him, much to Bellamy's disapproval, after they said goodnight. It wasn't much longer before Bellamy and Raven left too and suddenly, my room was far too big.

I limped out to the balcony and leaned on the railing, looking down at the fires in the streets. The summer breeze was gentle on my skin and I could hear the faint sounds of laughter coming from down below. It was peaceful and oddly, made me year for Lexa.

I had been ignoring the painful pull in my chest all afternoon, but this wasn't that. It did tell me that Lexa was pretty close, it always hurt less the closer I was to her. A pretty ingenius way to get me close to my target...

But no, I was just aching for Lexa's company. I missed her. Every time she had to become Heda it was like I was losing her. I knew it was just a persona, a way for her to make the decisions that were best for her people, the hard choices. Would I have to do that one day soon? Would I have to find a way to protect who I was by being someone else in front of other people? It couldn't be an easy way to live...

There was a prickling on the back of my neck and I froze. Then warm arms wrapped around my middle, gentle but strong. I relaxed instantly as a familiar warmth spread from the contact, leaning back into Lexa and shivering when she pressed a soft kiss to my neck.  
“I didn't think I'd see you tonight.” I said, resting my hands over hers. She alsmost seemed relieved at my acceptance of her touch.  
“I was not going to come, but I could not stay away. I have missed you, Klark.”

I turned around in the circle of her arms so that I could look at her. She was always so honest when she was Lexa. But I realized that I didn't just want 'Lexa', I wanted to be a part of her life. There was the problem of my body wanting to kill her, but I would eventually fix that, I had to. Maybe I could learn to control it? Maybe it could be turned off? Maybe it could be cut out? I would find a way...

But I didn't want to hide. I loved Lexa and I wanted everyone to know it. I wasn't exactly a subtle person, I hated only doing things half-way. And that's what my relationship felt like right now, like Lexa could only give me half of who she is.

“Lexa?” I started, resting my hands on her shoulders, noticing that her armor and cape were already gone. She tilted her head slightly in question,  
“Yes?” I took a deep breath before forging ahead.  
“How would our people react if they knew about us?”

To me it seemed an innocent enough question, a good way of easing her into the topic. Apparently, I was flaunting my not-so-subtle nature. She tensed and closed her eyes, touching her head to mine as she took in a deep breath.

“Klark,” she whispered, pulling back and brushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear, “I love you, but my people do not. They still see an enemy when they look at you, the person responsible for the deaths of their loved ones. We are changing that.” She smiled, “Ella speaks very highly of your kindness, everyone you have interacted with says you are nothing but polite... Except Indra, but that is because she does not trust you.”

“But they are not ready to accept a union between us. They will think you are manipulating me, plotting against me. My ability to rule will be thrown into question and I could have to fight to prove that I am worthy of Heda.” She sighed, everything about her expression was open and unguarded, completely honest.

“Ai hodness, even with all of that, if you wish me to, I will make it known that you have my heart. I would face armies on my own for you. I would force them to accept you and your people if that is what you wanted. But you have to be sure that is what you want, because there would be no turning back.”

I think if she had refused, or simply given me the facts, I would not have accepted it so readily. But I couldn't deny that I didn't want to put her in danger, no matter how much I wanted to be able to kiss her any time, to hold her hand or simply stand close to her. No, I couldn't ask her to do that. If she could be patient then so could I.

“Hey!” I gasped, my eyes opening wide. She tensed for a moment, but then quirked a playful eyebrow at me. “First of all, I do understand. But I know how you work, Lexa. I'm not one of your ambassadors, you can't make me think that not telling people was my idea.” She laughed, loud and unrestrained, before closing the distance between our lips.  
“I swear that was not my intention.” She breathed against my lips once the kiss was broken.

“I just wish I didn't have to pretend, I wish things were simple...” I lay my head on her shoulder and let her hug me tight, relishing the closeness, the buzz starting across my skin as our bodies pressed together. She pulled away far enough to catch my eyes with her own. Once again I sank into her eerald gaze, letting her ground me in the here and now, the first sparks of lust igniting in my core.  
“We have right now,” she husked, her hot breath washing over my skin and sending a shiver down my spine.

I expected the same need as the first time, or even the frenzied lust from a couple nights before. Instead she kissed me, slow and deep, one hand on my hip and the other pressing into the small of my back. I sighed happily as I wove my fingers through her thick hair, glad she had the foresight to take out her braids.

Her fingers played at the hem of my thin shirt leaving trails of fire everywhere she touched. Not to be outdone, I slipped my arms under hers, hooking my thumbs into the waistband of her pants and pulling her impossibly closer. Lexa's fingers slowly worked their way up my ribs, dragging my shirt up with them. I let go of her so that she could pull it up and over my head, tossing it backwards into the room.

When I looked at her face she was wearing a frown, one arm circled almost possessively around me, the other hand brushing across my chest. A large purple and black bruise had blossomed across my fair skin, made all the darker by my night blood, I mused. Lexa bent down and kissed it gently, every last bit of it, as though she could chase the mark away.

A needy gasp got caught in my throat when she kissed the top of my breast and I felt her lips curl into a smirk. I almost growled, deciding to even the playing field and pulling her own shirt over her head without any of the slow gentle teasing she had employed. As soon as her arms were once again free she claimed my mouth with another kiss, just as sweet as the first, but also with a lick of flame between us.Her shirt slipped from my fingers and she started to pull me off the balcony.

That is, until I hissed in pain and fell against her chest.  
“Jok.” she quietly cursed into my ear, “I am sorry, Klark, I forgot.” I laughed gently and righted myself, kissing her to prove I was fine.  
“Don't worry about it Lexa, so did I.” She hummed deep in her throat as I kissed along her jaw and it sent a jolt of pure need into me, my arousal pooling between my legs.

Lexa bent down then, putting one arm beneath my knees and lifting me from my feet. I let out a startled yelp and buried my face in her neck. Her resulting laugh was abruptly cut off as I opened my mouth and latched onto her pulse, sucking gently, nipping the skin and running my tongue over her thrumming heart-beat.

There was no rush as she laid me down on the soft furs covering the bed. We spent time removing all offending pieces of clothing, tracing every part of each others bodies, memorizing every inch of hard muscle, every swell and curve. It was driving me crazy in the best of ways, slowly building up that burning heat within me.

I ran my tongue down Lexa's neck, marveling as the goose-bumps raised on her feverish skin, I nipped at her colar bone, soothing the bite with a kiss. When I reached her breasts I stopped for a moment, feeling the soft flesh in my hands, watching as her nipples puckered and hardened at the attention. I lowered my head again, my tongue dancing circles around one nipple while I lightly pinched the other between my thumb and finger.

Lexa moaned, her back arching, offering herself to me. I took her pert nipple into my mouth and sucked lightly, knowing it would be torture. She whimpered beneath me, her hips bucking up to hit my stomach. I smiled, biting down just hard enough to hurt before repeating my performance on her other breast.

“Klark...” Lexa moaned, her hands knotting in my hair and gently trying to guide me ever lower, “Please. Beja, Klark.” But I wanted to worship her, every part of her. I put my hands on her hips, gently pressing them into the bed an I continued my slow path down her stomach, circling her navel with my tongue and kissing every scar I found on my way.

Her legs were spread for me, her sex glistening with her arousal under a patch of soft hair.. I ran a finger along her folds, gathering her wetness on my finger and taking it into my mouth while I looked up into her eyes, glazed with lust. Lexa bit her lip and moaned, struggling not to cant her hips up into me. She tasted so good, sweet, and I gave up on teasing.

Flattening my tongue, I dragged it up her slit, flicking it harshly across her clit. When she jumped up I threw an arm across her hips, keeping her down as I explored my prize. I found her little bundle of nerves, pink and already swollen, and sucked it gently into my mouth. The high pitched moan that came from Lexa was all the encouragement I needed, my tongue swirling around her clit a few times before lashing across it.

Coating my finger in her juices, I circled her opening, slipping it in to the first knuckle before pulling out.  
“Stop... teasing... Klark>” Lexa pleaded, and I was inclined to oblige. I thrust my finger in as far as it would go, a breathless whine my reward.

I kept up a steady rhythm, feeling as her silken wall started to contract around my finger. I added a second finger and sucked harder on her clit, my tongue pressing against her botton as my hand, now coated in Lexa's arousal, pumped harder and faster. One of her hands was still resting on the back of my head, tightening in my hair but not applying any pressure while the other had a white-knuckled grip on the furs beneath us.

My beautiful lover was fighting to keep still and quiet, though failing spectacularly on both counts. A fine layer of sweat coated her entire body and I was pretty sure her teeth had cut through her bottom lip. Her thighs started to quake and I grinned, keeping her gaze locked with mine. I wanted to watch as she fell apart.

When she seemed most desperate, no longer pretending that she could control her body, I curled my fingers and tenderly scrapped my teeth over her clit. Her entire body tensed for a second, her pupils swallowing any green from her eyes and her walls clenching so tightly around my fingers that I couldn't move them.

Then she fell off that ledge, a new wave of liquids washing over my hand, coating my chin and a throaty cry that could have possibly been my name tearing through her dry lips. I continued to press my curled fingers into that magical spot and released her bundle of nerves to place kisses along the inside of her thighs, never breaking our eye contact, loving every second of her orgasm.

Only once she had started to calm, the contractions around my fingers starting to taper off, did I remove them, grinning knowingly at the small whimper from above. I sucked my fingers clean before gently cleaning Lexa up, licking as softly as I could and completely avoiding her sensitive clit.

Before I could finish my self imposed task she reached down and took my face between her hands, pulling me up her body and crushing our lips together. I opened for her when her tongue pushed against my lip and she dove right in, swirling her muscle around mine and the licking the roof of my mouth before capturing my bottom lip between her teeth and pulling away. I moaned, grinding down against her, more than ready for my own release.

She laughed breathlessly and kissed away my pout.  
“Patience ai hodness, give me a moment to recover.” I conceded, lowering my head to her shoulder.

We were silent for a moment, I listened to her breathing and felt the heart-beat which was still hammering fiercely against her chest.  
“Lexa...” She hummed in acknowledgment. I was going to tell her how scared and angry I was, but she already knew that. I was going to warn her that she may have to kill me, but she knew that too. And I was going to ask her to protect my people if she did have to kill me, but I knew that she would... So instead I looked up into her beautiful eyes and smiled, “Ai hod yu in.”

 


	21. Love And War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is something in this chapter that i feel i need to touch on before you start reading.  
> Up until now I've been hinting at Clarke having trouble being able to eat. But in this chapter i decided to address it. Originally, i was going to have her pass out and it be a whole big thing, but with the timeline and everything else going on in the story, i decided against it.  
> My point is that I myself have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder and i mean absolutely no offence to anyone who is impacted in this way. I have based Clarke's difficulties on how i sometimes feel about eating and i understand this may not be an accurate representation, but i can only write what i know.  
> I am sorry if the themes in this chapter make anyone uncomfortable.
> 
> Otherwise, i hope you enjoy reading and don't forget to comment and leave kudos

Lexa covered my mouth with hers, insistent and needy, before flipping us over in one fluid move. I landed breathlessly on my back, stifling the small whimper of pain that tried to escape me. She saw it flash across my face though and hovered over my overheated body so that she could look down at my leg.

One hot hand gently pressed against the bandaged wound in apology, Lexa's evil smirk meeting my slight giggle a moment later. They sound caught in my throat and I caughed once to try to dislodge the lump of pure lust those eyes had inflated in my throat. I had a feeling I was either going to very much regret or be extremely pleased, that I had spent so much time teasing her. Because that look, that look was pure hunger.

She lowered herself onto my stomach, purposely staying far away from my aching center and bending over to bite into my neck. A ragged gasp tore up my throat, the bite just hard enough to hurt before her devilish tongue lashed across it, soothing the sting she left behind. I understood her choice of seats when my back tried to arch up but couldn't, almost eliciting a whimper that I managed to swallow just in time.

My hands tangled in her thick hair, not tightening or pressuring, simply needing to hold some part of her as she worked her way down my collar bone and up the other side. I tried to move, to react to the feel of her mouth against me but all I could do was moan and whimper, my body denied any involuntary and natural actions.

I surrendered completely, watching with wide eyes as she worshiped my chest. Lexa kissed every bit of skin, kneading my flesh with just the right amount of pressure and teasing my nipples into taut peaks before finally pulling one into her hot wet mouth. I hadn't even noticed her moving until I gasped at the feeling and one of her thighs slid between my legs and pressed up against my sex.

My eyes rolled into my head for a second as a sound that was more primal than a moan pushed through my parted lips. Lexa swallowed it with another heated kiss that was nowhere near long enough and then went back to my other breast, now grinding against me.

I was having trouble focusing on even the simple task of pulling air into my overworked lungs. All I cared about was Lexa, sweet, loving Lexa and the feelings she was dragging from my every nerve ending. When her hot mouth finally pressed against my throbbing sex my back arched into the air, finally free of her weight. My hands clutched at the furs and I lifted my head so that I could look with unfocused eyes that was the beauty between my legs.

It sent yet another rush of arousal into her waiting mouth even as she locked eyes with me and slid her tongue into my entrance. I almost came right then and there but she pulled away, careful not to touch my tight bundle of nerves.  
“No, please Lexa, don't stop.” I whined.

She laughed, her hot breath washing over me and making me shudder. The tight coil of white hot flame that had steadily built within me was threatening to burst, but it couldn't do it alone. I canted my hips at her, just needed one little touch in the right place, the fact that I had my own hands, not registering with me at that moment.

“Tell me what you want, ai hodness.” her voice a sultry lure and I was sure the thing that would be the end of me. But I couldn't form words, when I opened my mouth to try all that came out were more moans and whimpers. Then she slid a single finger to me and I felt my walls squeezing down on it, trying to keep it inside me as she slowly moved it in an agonizingly slow rhythm.

It wasn't enough, only adding to the fire without relieving the tension.  
“Lex... please.” a second finger joined the first and I cried out. It was too much and not enough all at the same time. I looked down, falling into lust filled emerald pools. “I want... I want you, Lexa.”

it seemed to be a good enough response because she smirked up at me, sticking out her tongue and pressing firmly against my neglected clit, pumping furiously with her fingers at the same time. It took all of three seconds for me to fall apart.

She crawled up my body and eased me through my climax with soft kisses and gentle whispers. All love and devotion, holding me in her arms until I could breathe again. I shuddered one more time as she eased her fingers out of me and I reached up with boneless arms to pull her into a sloppy kiss.  
“I love you too, Clarke.” Lexa breathed into my ear when we finally broke apart, the tender confession lulling me into a peaceful sleep.

 

By the morning my leg was much better. Lexa peeled the bandage from my thigh to reveal jagged scars starting to form around the wound. Instead of an angry red my skin was tinted a deep purple.

It interested me. I had seen Lexa blush red, just like everyone else, albeit a darker shade, but I had credited that to her darker skin tone. And the nearly healed bruise on my chest was proof that bruises were darker with this night blood.

I decided to worry about it later when Lexa pulled me into the bathroom, claiming she had gotten Ella to prepare a bath while I slept. I was inclined to call her a lair seeing as the sun had barely begun to creep over the horizon, but sure enough, when I walked into the bathroom it was filled with scented steam.

It was a pleasurable morning of domesticity, bittersweet for the knowledge that it couldn't last. I felt oddly distant whenever Lexa wasn't actually touching me, like she was the only thing that could ground me.

She left just before Ella showed up with a platter of food, quickly followed by Raven and Octavia.  
“Morning Princess” Raven mocked in a sing-song voice that did not match her at all. I grumbled and fell into an armchair, tucking my legs up under me. My head was throbbing, my chest was aching, my bullet wound was pulling uncomfortably in my chosen position and there was a painfully empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“Um, Clarke?” sluggishly I turned my head to look at Octavia who was kneeling in front of me. I shook my head, trying to clear out the haze and offered a weak smile.  
“Yeah, just need some water.” I lied, “Dehydrated I guess.” There was a cup of water in my hand almost instantly and I drank gratefully, finishing the whole thing.

“You're looking kind of pale over there, Clarke.” Raven observed, her concern clear in her voice. I waved her off, accepting a second cup of water and wincing as it fell into my empty stomach.  
“When's the last time you ate something?” the mechanic question abruptly, having seen the untouched platter of food. “We've been with you for two days and I haven't seen you eat once.”  
“I'm fine Raven,” I snapped, but my voice was too weak to hold any authority. I sighed, rubbing the heels of my palms into my eyes as I tried to think. “The... the night before you showed up, with Lexa.

Both girls reactions were perfectly synced;  
“Clarke!” their combined voices grated on my skull,  
“Are you stupid, like did you honestly knock your head when we weren't looking?” Raven questioned, sitting up straight to start loading a plate with food. Just the sight had my heart racing and my stomach twisting in knots. Octavia tried to pass the plate to me and I refused to take it.

“Clarke, you have to eat.” Raven's voice was stern now, and if she had wan't anything else, that would have snapped me out of it. But I couldn't do it. I curled into myself, ignoring the ever rising volume of the mechanic, trying to settle my breathing. I was shaking uncontrollably but Raven wouldn't let up.

Finally it was Octavia that spoke softly;  
“Drop it Rae.” she whispered at a ranting Raven, “Can't you see she can't do it?” I peeked up to see Raven huffing.  
“She'll die if she doesn't eat, O.” she argued in a surprisingly small voice, “We've lost so many... I can't lose her too.”

Octavia bit her lip and pulled Raven into a one armed hug as she put the plate down on my coffee table. With some distance between myself and the food I was able to stop hugging my knees. I hadn't even realized that I had been avoiding food until Raven pointed it out. But even so, I hadn't reacted like that until I felt as though it was being forced on me. I was weak and hungry, I knew that, but it didn't matter how logically I looked at it, I only felt sick at the thought.

“Clarke?...” I looked up from my examination of the floor to find big brown eyes, worried brown eyes. “Are you okay?” I swallowed thickly and nodded.  
“I'm sorry, I just- I don't know.” Octavia smiled and squeezed into the armchair beside me, slinging an arm over my shoulders and pulling me into a warm, surprisingly comforting hug.  
“Hey, don't worry, we'll get there.” She cooed.  
“But Raven's right,” a sob broke my voice but I pushed on, “I can't do this, I can't afford to be less than my best. I know i'm not alone,” I cut Octavia off before she could interrupt, “but right now I'm not helping anyone.”

“Look Clarke,” Octavia was all business now, “You're just really stressed out. I mean, look at everything that's happened. First you were told that either you died or everyone does; next you watched an entire village get wiped off the map and were attacked by some crazy mountain soldiers; then the entire camp went missing and well, Finn.” She paused to clear her throat, “Next you were attacked again by these maunon and learned that there is some insane, murderous, control-your-body, possibly artificial intelligence chip know as a _spirit_ has taken up residence in the back of your head. Plus you got shot again yesterday, and you're not telling me what, but there is something going on with you and the _Commander_.”  
“In my humble opinion, you are entitled to a bit of a freak out now and then. I mean it's not being locked in the floor for sixteen years, but it's close enough.” Raven laughed and I couldn't help but smile too.  
“It's never happened before, I don't know how to work through...”  
“You've never been on the ground before either, we'll work it out.”

Eventually I managed to eat half an apple and a slice of bread, drinking water to get each bite down. It was enough to convince Raven that I wouldn't keel over and die as well as chase away the fog hanging around my head. I did feel a bit better, if uncomfortably full.

 

Lincoln and Bellamy arrived not even ten minutes later, Lincoln saying that he had permission to show everyone around Polis. Octavia was most excited at the prospect, trying to push everyone out the door as she chattered about wanting to get a sword while she was down there.

Just as the group had rounded the corner, Lexa's door opened and I stopped mid-step when I heard my name, almost like a sigh of relief.  
“Klark.” it took everything I had not to show the shiver that ran up my spine as I heard her click the 'k'. I spared one moment to tall the others to go ahead without me before turning to face her.

And my chest instantly swelled with warm affection, almost strong enough to smother the ever present tug. Lexa smiled wide when our eyes locked, but made no move to get closer to me.  
“Yes Commander?” I asked, my tone lighter than i'd managed in days. Lexa's smiled vanished, her hands clasping behind her back and her mask slipping into place. So it was going to be one of those conversations...

“I am about to go to question the maunon...” she confessed, and I detected something hard in her voice, aimed inwards. “I would of course prefer if you did not come, but it is your right to be there... for your people.” I nodded in understanding, quickly sorting through my thoughts so that I could give her an answer.

I knew that it wasn't going to be just questions, she was going to force answers. I took a surprising amount of comfort in the fact that it seemed to bother her, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to do it. I also knew that I shouldn't be throwing myself into stressful situations right now. But lets face it; life on the ground is a stressful situation. At least until I had freed my people from the mountain, I would have to find a way to deal with these things.

And just looking at her, seeing that the thought of what she had to do was so close to breaking that carefully constructed mask, let me know that I definitely couldn't send her into this alone. If I was going to accept every part of Lexa and her life, I had to be able to walk the walk so to speak.  
“I want to be there.” I said, knowing it was my only real choice. She nodded and gestured for me to walk beside her.

We made our way into the elevator, Lexa pulling on a thick length of rope that ran through the floor after closing the doors. After a moment the lift started to descend and, just like that first time I found myself watching her face. I didn't think I would ever get tired of memorizing the position of every freckle on her tanned skin, of appreciating how soft her hair looked even in the darkness of this cubicle.

She caught me staring and smirked in that way that was just for me; equal parts playfulness, mischief and seduction. I was suddenly shy, laughing lightly and lowering my eyes as I shook my head.

When I looked up again, Lexa was back to being dead serious. I reached out and took her hand gingerly, relieved when she let my interlock our fingers.  
“Are you okay, Lexa?” I asked, running my thumb over the back of her hand.  
“No. No, I'm not okay.” She whispered, “This is my least favorite part of my job. I know that by doing this I have saved countless lives. I know the nightmares it causes, so I know that I am saving people by taking on this task myself.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “I never wanted you to see this side of me, who I have to become to get the answers we need. I admit that I am afraid you will see me differently, Clarke.”

My heart stopped and I squeezed Lexa's hand, whether to reassure her or myself I wasn't sure.  
“I love you Lexa. Maybe we can get answers without resorting to anything extreme... but even if we can't, well, I'm here for you... You can't scare me off.”

 

Lexa went into a kind of trance when we reached the basement of the tower. Somehow I knew better than to try to draw her out of it. The mountain man had another six hours of air left because he was on his last canister of oxygen. Someone had sealed off his helmet crudely, meaning that any other part of his body could be oxposed without actually stopping him from breathing.

Lexa gave me an hour and I used every minute of it asking the soldier questions. I tried to reason with him, appeal to his emotions, bargain with him and finally beg him. But no matter what I did he refused to tell me any more than that my people were in fact alive and inside the mountain.

I believed him, so did Lexa for that matter, and I was willing to let him go. But Lexa wasn't satisfied. She wanted real information and bit by bit, among screams and pleas for mercy, she got it.

When the man had finally succumbed to the radiation and blood loss Lexa dragged me from the cell. She pulled me along corridor after corridor until we were far from any of the guards. Then she turned to face me, pulling off her gloves and using a water skin strapped to her belt, she started scrubbing at her hands.

After a few minutes of frantic rubbing, I stepped forward and took her hands into my own, feeling the tremble. And then she fell unceremoniously into my arms, gut-wrenching sobs wracking her lithe frame.

For one moment I was shocked, feeling Lexa's hot tears soaking my shoulder. Then I came to my senses. I wrapped my arms in a tight, protective circle around her, and I held on.

 


	22. Gona Kom Heda

“The one mile radius around the base of the mountain is protected by a number of fail-safe protocols. These are activated whenever someone without a transmitter crosses the line into this zone.” I told the room full of tribal leaders.  
“These transmitters are carried by the maunon, but require a code. They are also in the Rippa's-” Lexa's top lip curled over her teeth at the word but I couldn't place it.  
“Surely you mean _on_ the Rippa's, Heda?” the small, unassuming woman from the first war council bravely asked.

“No, I mean _in_.” Lexa almost looked... disgusted? Her face was mirrored on most of the others around us. She had called an emergency meeting with the various clan leaders and their ambassadors once we had returned to the upper floors of the tower three days ago. Then she had spent the rest of the day filling me in on Grounder politics.

Lexa herself had originated from the Woods clan, _Trikru,_ which were also the largest clan of the twelve that made up her _kongeda_ or coalition. They were very close to both the _Floukru_ , Boat People, and _Trishana_ , or Glowing Forest. Clans such as _Podakru_ , _Louwoda Kliron Kru_ and _Yujleda_ ; the Lake People, Shallow Valley Clan and Broadleaf respectively, were all civil toward each other. Although the Yujleda and Trishana were currently at odds over hunting ground boundries, and Floukru and Podakru always got into arguments about who was better on the water.

Sankru, the Desert Clan, and Delfikru, the Delphi Clan were both small in size and shared the sandy desert. Even though there was an abundance of space available to them, there was only one good water source that sat directly between them. And of course it was impossible for them to share this water source so they had an uneasy peace that was closely monitored by their closest neighbor  _Bouldalankru_ , the Rock Line Tribe. Delfikru refused to attend any meetings with the Sankru right now despite this 'peace''

Whereas _Ingranrona,_ the Plains Riders, were often found in small groups and stayed out of most afairs, preferring a nomadic life. It was often hard to locate the right people on short notice.

Which left two; _Azgeda_ , the Ice Nation, and _Ouskejon Kru_ , the Blue Cliff Clan. Both personally hated Lexa, but were officially part of the coalition anyway. Azgeda was the second largest clan and were often of the opinion that one of their people should be leading the Grounders. Lexa said that she believed they were allied with Ouskejon Kru, just waiting for an opportune time to strike against her.

Quite frankly, it all hurt my head and I wondered how she kept everything straight. But it helped me understand why only seven clans out of twelve were represented at the meeting, and why a number of people were staring daggers at each other.

Right now we were passing on everything that we had learned from the soldier, trying to formulate a plan of attack. I had sat down with Raven and hashed out some things, Bellamy and Octavia had taken Lincoln to the drop ship to collect what we would need, and Lexa had spent every available moment training me with a sword.

I had gotten surprisingly good, the _Spirit_ seemed to know a lot of different techniques But until I had actually learned them in person, gone through the actions with my own body, I couldn't access the skill. I still couldn't beat Lexa, but I was starting to be able to hold my own and had managed to come out on top with some of the less experienced warriors I had sparred with.

Thankfully, apart from one small scare in which I couldn't blink, I had not lost control of my body again. Lexa tried to make me feel good by musing that; “Perhaps you are controlling it, Clarke...”. But I knew that was just wishful thinking. I didn't know what had triggered the episode, if anything, but whatever it was hadn't happened again.

Lexa started speaking again, bringing me back to the present with a small jolt.  
“Three groups will be sent into the Rippa tunnels to capture three of the creatures and bring them back to where we will be camped.” She said, leaning over the large table and confidently moving three silver statuettes to the mouth of a cave system about two miles from the mountain. “As I understand it, we need the Rippa's alive if we are going to be able to remove their transmitters unharmed.”

I nodded once before continuing where the Commander had left off.  
“Now the transmitters will get us about half a mile in, but at that point the Mountain has cameras... they can see us without being anywhere near us.” I clarified when I noticed a few confused looks. “Once they see us, they can activate their traps manually and we'll need to be able to counteract that.”

This was a part of the plan that was more up to chance than anything else. I didn't like it, it left a lot up to chance, but there really wasn't any other way.  
“We've found a few of the maunon's suits and Skaikru has access to four similar suits. A team of six to eight people will continue on through the first counter measure, the acid fog. Hopefully we can sneak this team in unnoticed because otherwise they may just shut the fog off. Their job will be to get into the Mountains power supply and shut it down.”

A dozen Grounders started talking all at once, a mix of Trigedasleng and English flying through the air at ever rising volumes.  
“Em pleni!” Lexa barked. “A prisoner recently revealed that the mountain does in fact get its power from the dam just to the south of it.”  
“Heda, please,” I looked around for the imploring voice and found the bald man that Lexa called Titus, “This plan does not seem like a good one. From what I can see, it rely's heavily on the Skaikru. This is not our way. We have managed to survive just fine without these insolent _goufa.”_

I saw Lexa's eyes flash and widen by the smallest amount but she was careful to keep Heda's mask firmly in place as she rounded on the man.  
“Fleimkepa! Know your place. Ai laik Heda, nou yu!” He bowed his head in submission, but Lexa wasn't done. “These _goufa_ , as Titus calls them, did fall from the sky. No one here denies that fact. But just like us, the Mountain has taken from them, has stolen those they love. Do you not wish to get back what is ours, to perhaps save any who are still alive inside the Mountain, be they from the sky or the ground?”  
“Skaikru has skills like that of the Maunon. They know how their weapons work, how to get us into a place we have never been able to get close to. But it is not one-sided. Once they get us in, we must get them out. They are not fighters, they can not do it alone and the kongeda is proof that we can not either.”  
“I am tired of losing our people. I am tired of having to burn leaders, healers, warriors, friends and even children. We finally have a chance to take the Mountain down and you either stand with me or against the twelve clans. It is your choice.”

Then, with a dramatic sweep of her long coat and blood red cape, she stormed from the room. There was dead silence as the doors slammed shut behind her and I held my breath. Then, slowly, one by one, all seven leaders lowered themselves to a knee, a closed fist over their hearts.  
“Floudakru gona kom Heda.” came the first declaration.  
“Trishana gona kom Heda.” another followed.

And they kept going until all seven had knelt down and pledged their clans participation. I sunk to my own knee, copying the gesture of my fist over my heart and spoke clearly into the silence;  
“Skaikru gona kom Heda.” I felt eyes land on me but I had said my piece so I got to my feet and left the throne room without sparing anyone a second glance.

 

The doors shut with a soft click and a second later I heard the sound of multiple voices vying to be heard over one another. I leaned against the painted glass, my heart thundering in my chest and my breath coming a little too fast. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and forced myself to hold a lung full of air before exhaling slowly.

I would always refuse to show it, but it was absolutely gut wrenching to face a room full of some of the best warriors the Grounders had to offer. I was getting better with my fear of the intimidating people, but it would probably always sit there in the back of my mind.

Sighing, I pushed myself off the doors and started toward the living quarters. I could probably help Raven with one of her projects a bit before dinner arrived for us all...

But just as I rounded the corner, trying not to hover near Lexa's door, a hand shot out and dragged me into her room. I bit down on the squeal that was half-way out of my mouth when I felt the familiar warmth spread from her touch on my upper arm. She closed the door quietly and then turned to look at me, concern etched across her features.

I was confused as to why until she spoke;  
“I am sorry for leaving like that.” she said, gesturing out the door, “I... I am not accustomed to being questioned by Titus. At least, not so directly.” I smiled and shrugged, walking deeper into her room, much like mine but twice the size and somehow filled with three times as many candles. I sat down on her couch and ran my hands through my hair.  
“It's okay Lexa.” I assured her, “I think it was for the best actually.” I explained what had happened once she left.

She smiled at me, sweet and endearing, I couldn't help the resulting blush. She prowled over to me, swaying her hips the whole way before hooking a finger under my chin and dragging my eyes up to meet hers.  
“You were born for this, Klark.” she purred and then captured me in a soft, teasing kiss.

I melted three times over and tried to deepen the contact but she pulled away, flashing me that evil smirk. All I could do was groan. The smirk widened.  
“I must go back soon. Titus will come to tell me they have all dispersed and I will tell him to collect them again. Then I will go over all the details they need to know for tomorrow.”

I sighed heavily, mostly for show and nodded in understanding,  
“Did you need me to come?” I asked, silently hoping she didn't. She must have seen something in my expression because she chuckled quietly.  
“No, you have done your part I think. Just make sure that everything on your end is ready to go and I will do the same.”

We shared one more chaste kiss before I left her room, heading down the hall to help the mechanic that would determine whether we lived or died in the next few days.

 

The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, the day already hot and humid without it, when I met up with Lexa, ready to set out for the Mountain.

I was dressed like a grounder. I had on the usual black leather pants, the inside as smooth as silk so as not to hinder movement, and thin long-sleeved midnight blue shirt. Then a new acquisition; leather armor, two pieces that slipped over my head and molded almost perfectly to my body as they were strapped down tight. Leather finger-less gloves sat under thin metal vambrace's on which were printed different patterns that reminded me of falling leaves. The whole thing was completed by a thick weapons belt, currently empty of actual weapons and my boots.

It wasn't any secret to me that Lexa had organized for my new outfit, though I wasn't sure how she had gotten the measurements for the armor... I was planning to pick up a sword on the way out of Polis and so went straight to Kery who was waiting beside Lexa's mount, Octavia tending to both. She had acquired a fondness for the animals,

Raven was in a cart again, already fiddling with her array of gadgets, ignoring the grounders moving around her. Octavia was going to ride with her, both to help the mechanic whenever she needed, but also to simply provide company. Sometimes when Raven got focused she could... spiral. Bellamy and Lincoln had left the night before as part of the hunting teams. If all went to plan they would meet us outside the Mountains limits when we set up camp that night.

I took Kery's reins from Octavia and for a minute we pretended we weren't about to ride to war, just talking about inconsequential things. But when Lexa came over, the small firecracker excused herself.

“Good morning,” I offered, a restrained smile on my lips, well aware of the many people that couldn't be allowed to see affection cross between me and the Commander. Lexa's eyes met mine and she gestured to the street beside out own.  
“Walk with me for a moment, SkaiPrisa?” she said, the request carrying the undeniable tone of an order for the sake of anyone listening.

I followed her down the street a little ways before she turned me into an alley, effectively placing us out of sight and hearing range of the large party preparing to leave. Then she started undoing the sheathed sword hanging from her hip. My eyes grew wide when she held it gently in both hands and held it out to me.

Lexa laughed softly at my look of surprise.  
“Take it, Clarke.” She encouraged. So I reached out and took the sword. With one hand still on the sheath I pulled the sword free.

It seemed to sing as it left the unassuming leather sheath. The metal was untouched, reflecting everything around us in perfect detail. It was thinner that the dull swords we'd been training with, but the same length and a similar weight too. The handle was wrapped in soft leather, died a dark blue, and right at the base of the blade was an engraved leaf.

It was beautiful and obvious that Lexa had had this specially made.  
“Lexa...” I breathed, not wanting to take my eyes from it, “Why did you – I mean, I love it but you didn't have to...” I gave up on words and instead stepped away to swing the sword through the air.  
“I wanted to.” Lexa explained, smiling as I worked through some simple moves, “We are going to be in a lot of danger until we take the mountain down, I want- no, I need you to be as safe as possible. Having a good weapon is part of that, and seeing as you no longer have your gun...”

I finished, admiring the way the metal caught the rising sun before sliding it back into its sheath.  
“Thank you Lexa.” I pressed a quick kiss to her lips and pulled myself back before I could even think of trying for more.  
“So, you like it?” She sounded so unsure of herself that it made my heart ache.  
“Of course I like it.”

Lexa smiled wide and stole her own kiss. Then she took the sheath from me and made quick work of attaching it to my right hip.  
“I love you, Klark.” she whispered into my ear as she straightened up.

I was going to say it back. I was going to make the most of this one little stolen moment. Unfortunately, whether it be horrid luck, evil gods, vengeful spirits or fates cruel design, that was made impossible by an earth-shattering _BOOM._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, for all the clan names i listed their english translations immediately after.  
> Most other words shouldn't be too hard to understand but I'll list them just in case;  
> Rippa = the Reapers  
> maunon = mountain men/man  
> Em pleni = That's enough  
> Fleimkepa = Flamekeeper  
> Ai laik Heda, nou yu = I am the Commander, not you  
> goufa = children/child, specifically a child that is not your own or a group  
> ... gona kom Heda = ... fight for Heda


	23. Trapped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that i was posting daily updates and I'm sorry that it took me so long to get this to you. On the bright side, it's here now.

My mind instantly flashed back to the missile attack on the grounder village, watching it replay on the backs of my eyelids, which were screwed up so that I wouldn't have to see. I fell into a crouch, lowering my center of gravity so that when the world shook I wouldn't be knocked over. I had unconsciously grabbed at Lexa's arm with a vice-like grip and my brain wasn't able to register that nothing had happened.

Lexa crouched down, taking my face between her calloused hands and running her thumb soothingly over my cheek. That's when I noticed that the world was still in tact. I shook my head almost violently, I was sick of being so damn fragile.  
“What the hell was that?” I growled as we straightened again. Lexa pointed up and I tilted my head to watch as something large and metallic, very much on fire, hurtled toward the ground.

“I think the rest of your people have arrived.” She didn't sound happy about it, turning on her heel and marching briskly back to her gathered warriors. I followed as quickly as I could. Just as we reached the group, all watching the objects path with differing levels of disdain and interest.

We reached them when it finally crashed into the earth. The impact had to be somewhere close to twenty miles away, at the very least, but the shaking could be felt where we stood. Lexa raised her voice over the panic now spreading through the streets.  
“Hod op!” She called, her warriors instantly falling silent. “Scouts will leave for the camp grounds to meet with those returning from their mission. The rest, ride with me. This time we will greet Skaikru as they leave their ship.”

It wasn't Lexa who leaped gracefully into Trikova's saddle. It wasn't Lexa who watched impatiently as the party readied itself for its new mission. It wasn't even Lexa who turned to me, a slight squint to her eyes which betrayed her uncertainty as she asked:  
“Are you coming, Klark kom Skaikru?”

The Commander didn't wait for an answer, she turned away, afraid that I wouldn't stand beside her, and kicked her horse into a canter. I looked back at the place where, what I was pretty sure had been a large chunk of the Ark, had crash landed. Then I looked over at Raven and Octavia whose eyes were both big and maybe even hopeful.

I knew why they were almost happy that the rest of our people could now be here on the ground. We had been alone for so long, forced to make choices that would haunt us forever. It would be nice to be able to hand over that responsibility. It would be nice to have someone older, wiser, more capable to turn to in a crisis...

A few weeks ago, I would have felt the same. But these people, these supposedly civilized, intelligent, upstanding members of society, had put something inside me. I was changing, becoming a deadly weapon, losing control of my own body, and possibly my mind, because they wanted something. Our _leaders_ only thought of themselves, of what would benefit them. I was expendable.

But I knew what it meant to be a leader. It meant thinking of yourself and your survival last. It meant that each and every one of your people was just as important as the next person. It meant that what was good for enough for the guilty had to be good enough for the innocent too. It meant honesty and trust. It meant doing the hard parts yourself so that maybe your friend could smile and laugh in the morning

Being a leader meant using your brain while listening to your heart.

I owed those people nothing. Whoever was at that crash site, they were not my people. My people were trapped inside a mountain.

And so I swung myself up onto Kery, nodded reassuringly to Raven and Octavia, and the followed Lexa, spurring Kery on so that I could catch up to the Commander.

 

It took a good chunk of the day to find our way to the crash site. Lexa had only spoken an hour or so after midday, and only to ordera number of groups to check in multiple directions. The sun was low in the sky when two of the groups returned, both pointing us in the direction of the Ark.

I was thankful when Lexa slowed out pace, that is until her piercing green eyes turned on me. I felt like a kid that had been caught sneaking cookies from the rations. I swallowed hard around the sudden lump in my throat, trying to ignore the uncomfortable prickling sensation that was crawling across my skin.

“I need to know why you are here, Clarke. “ she stated, her eyes never leaving mine, “I need to know whether you plan to protect your people, to fight me. Or whether you will allow me to secure them as I see fit.” I refused to falter as I answered, surprised at how steady my own voice was.  
“I will always protect my people, Heda.” her shoulders slumped just a fraction with her disappointment and she opened her mouth to speak but I held up a silencing hand. “Let me finish. I will always protect my people, but these are not my people any longer. They stopped being my people when they decided to use me.”

I took a deep breath and rubbed the ache in the back of my neck.  
“Things are very different on the ground and the sooner they learn that, the better off they'll be. So I will stand by you, Lexa, in whatever you chose to do.”

A great sense of pride filled me and I had to fight to contain a laugh, when Lexa just stared at me for a minute, her lips parted the smallest fraction in shock. Then, as my words seemed to sink in, her expression softened, Heda slipped away, and she reached across the space separating us. I gave her my hand willingly and revled in the tingling warmth that traveled up my arm when she squeezed gently before letting go.

“I should not be surprised, I know you were betrayed..” She noted as we crept closer to out destination, “But you always love so blindly, and with everything you are. I was afraid you would not side with me this day.”

She was right of course. Love could blind, but I had found that it could also open your eyes. I had let my feelings for Lexa open my mind to her people, I had seen the other side of their lives; The side where children played in the streets and craftsmen traded their wares. The side where they were protective of their tribe and family, where the whole village celebrated the birth of a baby.

On the Ark, a baby had just been one more mouth to feed, another set of lungs that needed oxygen, another wailing scream that would echo through the metallic halls. Here on the ground, life meant something. Here on the ground, even an unassuming, criminal artist could grow to be so much more.

“I've come to find that I believe in peace, love and understanding, Lexa.” I stated softly, knowing she would hear my words clearly, “There are many forms of all these things, many paths to finding them. As long as you continue to strive for the same thing that I do, I will always be by your side.”

The smell of smoke filtered through the tree's and we both snapped our heads forward. A split second later and both Trikova and Kery were sprinting through the forest, dodging trees with expert ease. I didn't let up until we broke through and Kery was forced to leap over a fallen tree, roots filled with soil hanging in the air not six feet from where we landed.

My heart stopped in my chest, despite what I had said. The Ark had been my home for seventeen years and to see it now, half buried in the ground, just felt wrong. I slipped from my saddle as Lexa brought her horse up beside me.

The size was incomparable to everything except maybe the tower in Polis. The outer ring of Ark Station was reaching high into the sky, though burnt, battered and bruised, it looked mainly intact. As did the main center which had somehow remained attached through not only the fall, but the landing. The exterior was melted in places, large bits having torn off and scattered were lying all over the new clearing.

A deep gorge was cut into what had once been the middle of the forest, leaving debris of every size, shape and color. Trees were uprooted or simply ripped in half, everywhere small fires were burning and there was still smoke rising from the space station. Some brave grounders were starting to inch toward it.

An almost indiscernible sound was being carried on the hot summer breeze washing over us; clanging metal, distressed voices... I fought against myself for one long, agonizing moment. There were only Grounders around the crash site, but it had crashed early this morning. By now there should have been confused and disoriented Arkers stumbling through the trees.

That meant only one of two things; that they were all dead, or that they were all trapped inside that stupid tin can. Seeing as there was noise coming from the hulking metal construct, it was safe to assume that the later was true.  
“They are trapped inside.” Lexa stated, almost cold. I glanced at her, nodding my agreement.

She must have seen the invisible strain on my muscles, the hidden pain in my eyes, the worry that I had forcibly wiped from my features, because she locked onto my eyes. Then the gave me a soft smile, all Lexa, and spoke like a gentle caress on the wind.  
“Go Clarke.” she almost purred, her voice full of undeniable love, “You never can resist saving people...”

While I rushed to the Ark, trying to find a maintenance air lock close to the ground, Lexa started issuing order to her warriors. In the back of my mind I registered that she was telling them to look for a way in, to find survivors... to help me.

Then I saw one, conveniently resting a foot above ground level. I ran to it, relieved as I ran my hands around the seals to find that they weren't melted shut. I started to tug on one side of the door, digging my fingers into the groove where the two halves joined and tugging with all my might.

But even with my _spirit_ enhanced body, the doors wouldn't budge. I grunted and strained, sweat running down my face and back. Then there were another set of hands pulling at the other door, Lincoln. His bulging muscles created a small gap, then Octavia appeared, a metal pole in her hands. She stabbed it into the gap, using the leverage to force the door open another inch. Lincoln and I got a better grip of the two halves of the air lock and with once final burst of strength it slid open sluggishly.

Lincoln and I held it open as Octavia jammed the doors, then we stepped back breathing heavily. I could hear the clanging and shouting more clearly now, taking a small piece of comfort in the fact that at least some people were still alive.

I wanted to rush in, to find these survivors, to find my mom, to make sure she was still alive. But something was holding me back. The hard knot of betrayal was still ice cold in my chest. This place had once been my home, but then it had become my prison, and finally I was used as some kind of lab rat. I hated the people in here as much as I loved them and the thought of willingly walking back into the metal box made me feel sick.

Then I felt that all to familiar pull in my chest. For the first time in days it didn't repulse me. Instead it was like a reminder that Lexa was here with me. So I let it anchor me, still my shaking hands and flood me with warmth. I had to do this, they may have betrayed me and left me for dead, but I cared too much to repay the favor.

 

Octavia, Lincoln and I were quickly joined by two dozen Grounders. I led one group down one corridor and Octavia took the second in the opposite direction. I wished Lexa was with me, but Heda wasn't a part of search parties and I had to respect that. I followed the sound of the echoing clang of metal, knowing that eventually I would find whatever blockage was keeping the Arkers trapped.

After a half hour we came to a section of hall that was completely blocked by a wall of melted debris. There was a small irregularly shaped hole in the side of the wall, a patch of blazing sun heating the corrugated floor. It looked as though this wall of metal was things like food trays, loose pipes, parts of walls and floors. It wouldn't have been hard to move, except it was all melted together.  
It looked as though this has been here during reentry, and the fire and heat had either burned through the hull or simply seeped through a hole that already existed. It had turned the mismatch of almost harmless items, into a solid wall of steel.

The clanging was coming from the other side, like someone was repetitively hitting the wall, whether they were trying to get attention or trying to brake it down, I wasn't entirely sure. I could also hear the unmistakable mumble of voices, multiple voices.

“Hello?” I called, pressing against the metal which was still rather warm. “Can you hear me?” The clanging stopped abruptly,  
“Shhh, did you hear that?” someone asked, their voice tinged with both relief and disbelief.  
“Hello?” I repeated a bit louder now, “Who's in there, are you hurt?”

There was a momentary pause and then a second voice softly spoke;  
“She says that was Clarke.”  
“Clarke?... Abby are you sure?” The first voice asked, fading slightly as he must have stepped away. I pounded on the wall with a fist.  
“Yes,” I confirmed, “It's me, is everyone okay in there?”

They were quiet for too long. I banged on the wall again and then the first voice answered me.  
“It-Its your mom, Clarke.” He said, now right next to the wall. My heart sank immediately, my breath stolen from my lungs. “She's been hurt.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologize that my updates may be a bit slower than usual i'm finding it a little hard to write.
> 
> But i hope you enjoy this chapter and i promise to try to get the next one to you soon.  
> Don't forget to leave your comments and kudos... i live off the ego boost they provide :P


	24. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a bit and I am sorry... Also i don't feel like this chapter is quite up there on the excitement levels, but Clarke is starting to stabilize and i felt like i needed to show that happening because cry-baby Clarke was starting to annoy even me.

There are moments in your life when your perception seems to narrow. This was one of those moments. Logically, I knew that I couldn't rip down the wall of melted metal with my bare hands, I could hear the second voice trying to give me a run-down of my mom's injuries, I could even feel the grounders waiting impatiently at my back. But I couldn't process any of this.

My mom was hurt...

I shook my head, ignoring the voices behind the wall and flicking my eyes over the barrier. The metal was still warm from the re-entry, which meant that maybe it could be bent. I ran my hands over the metal, pressing with my fingers until I found a section that didn't feel as solid as the rest. Turning to the dozen warriors behind me, I pointed to the one holding the biggest axe, beckoning him forward.

When I went to speak I couldn't remember the words I needed, reluctantly I reverted to english, deciding to worry about it later.  
“Break through here.” I ordered in a firm voice that I almost didn't recognize. As I stepped away to find another weak point the man hefted his war-axe and with a shrug, swung it with all his might at the wall.

The axe head clanged dully against the metal, an echoing screech ringing down the corridor. He growled and swung again, seemingly angered by the fact that the wall had come out on top. This time the weapon lodged itself in half an inch and when the man yanked it back out, a chunk of metal that may have once been a food tray, flew off and skittered across the floor.

I allowed myself a small satisfied nod as I summoned a second warrior to another spot. It was slow, loud work and I couldn't sit still, pacing up and down the hall. My mind was still reeling, still spinning. There was a throbbing behind my eyes, my neck and shoulders so tense that they were starting to ache. I clutched at my chest every few minutes because I couldn't get enough air past the lump in my throat and there was a sharp ripping sensation in my gut.

I turned the corner, out of sight of the warriors still working on tearing a hole through the offensive metal partition, and slid down the wall. I brought my knees to my chest, tucked my head between them and fought to control my breathing. I had started recognizing voices, namely Jackson's. He was my mother's apprentice and if he was worried about her then she would definitely need me to be at my best when the grounders finally broke through. All I knew was that I couldn't lose her. I may not like what she had done to me, but she was my mother and I needed her to live.

A flash of anger shot through me, but I pushed it down, instead welcoming the hurt that followed it. There was no time to be angry at her...

Suddenly, I shot to my feet. My eyes opened wide as I realized that I hadn't decided to stand. As though being controlled by someone else, my left hand reached to my right hip and in a slow, languid movement, I drew my sword. At the same time the tugging in my chest became unbearable, the pull too much for my body to ignore.

I could hear the grounders shouting for me but I couldn't stop myself from starting to walk back through the ship. I wanted to cry. Not now. Any time but right now. My mom was dying behind that wall and it was all because she had put this stupid _Spirit_ in my head. I fought against it, just like the first time. I pushed and pulled against the invisible puppet strings, but nothing happened. My body wanted one thing, Lexa's blood.

Lexa... that's what this sharp pull in my chest ultimately led to. My Lexa. Strong and beautiful, wise and gentle, deadly and loving. Lexa, who would arm me even when she knew that this could happen. Lexa, who would sacrifice everything she had if I dared to ask that of her. Lexa, who knows me better than I know myself.

I couldn't let it happen – I _wouldn't_ let it happen.

There was an icy pull on that painful connection in my chest, like a warning to stop resisting. I growled internally, surprised when the sound rumbled through my chest. I scrabbled desperately, taking hold of my invisible link to Lexa and refusing to let go. I let the warmth that flooded through me whenever I was near her, fill my chest. I imagined it wrapping around the cord, warming the chill. I let that connection ground me, as though the gentle touch of a lover, reassurance and strength.

A strangled scream filled the corridor and it took me a second to realize it was my own. My knees trembled as I fought for control before finally giving out. I fell, rather ungracefully, to the floor, four of Lexa's warriors rushing around the corner as I did. Breathing heavily, I leaned on my sword and pushed myself back to my feet, even as the grounders started looking for enemy's.

I didn't even spare a second to catch my breath, I simply turned on my heel, sheathed my sword and ran back to the wall. There was no time to waste on comfort or explanations.

The small crowd at the end of the hall parted, the current axe wielding warrior stepping out of the way when he saw me. The was now a hole in the wall, which I noticed was easily a foot thick in this spot. It was only big enough for one person to slip through, and only a small person at that. I quickly sized myself up against it and decided that I could make it.

Undoing my belt and placing it carefully out of the way I turned to a grounder;  
“I'm going through, keep pulling this thing down, we need enough room to carry the injured out.” I didn't even wait for acknowledgment of my order before I started climbing through the tiny opening. It was a tight fit, a strong pair of arms hooking under mine to help pull me through, landing me awkwardly on my ass. I scrambled to my feet and looked around at the packed space.

There were people lining the walls the whole way down the corridor and I suspected around the corner. Those that were injured were at the front, some lying, others sitting and clutching at their injuries. I found Jackson only a few feet away, bent over a body lying next to the wall, his medical kit was spilling open beside him as he worked.

I tried to push past the person who had helped me through the hole but their hand gripped firmly on my bicep. With fury in my eyes I snapped my head around and had to keep myself from lashing out with my free arm. As it was a grounder on the other side of the wall growled threateningly.

It was Kane, Marcus Kane. The man that had pressed the button that killed my father, the man who had charged me with treason and locked me away for a whole year. I wanted nothing more then to punch him in the face, but a sharp hiss tore my attention from him. Ignoring whatever he was starting to say, I shrugged out of his grasp and fell to my knees beside Jackson.

My mom was barely conscious, sweat dripping from every pore. There was a shallow cut on her right cheek, not even deep enough to scar once it was treated, but that was the smallest of her injuries. There was an irregularly shaped piece of shrapnel sticking out of her left shoulder, a blood soaked bandage wrapped around it and no way to tell how deep it went. Most of her shirt was burned away, Jackson not caring for modesty as he tried to spread a salve onto the blistering skin covering half her chest.

There was already a make-shift splint tied around her left leg and a tourniquet on her right thigh. There was so much damage, but looking around no one else looked even half as bad. I reached for her hand and she cried out in pain. Gingerly I felt her hand, cringing with every sound she made; the bones in her left hand were all but crushed.

Her breath's were rasping and much too quick. I searched through Jackson's supplies, if we didn't reduce the amount of pain she was in her heart would give out long before she could stablize.  
“There's none left, Clarke.” Jackson whispered, finishing with his task and turning to collect some stitches, “We used the last of the morphine up on the Ark.”

Dread threatened to settle deep in my bones but I shook my head. There was still things I could do to help her survive, I wouldn't lose her, not like this. I turned to find that the second spot had broken through and both holes were starting to widen as more of the warriors could step forward and rip pieces away with their bare hands.  
“Water!” I ordered a little more harshly than I intended. But I couldn't bring myself to care to much as four water-skins were passed to me.

I handed two to Kane while Jackson took a third and started to clean the blood, dirt and sweat from my mothers leg wound.  
“The injured get water first, the injured leave first.” I said bluntly before turning to the grounders, “Someone go and find Octavia or Lincoln and bring them here.”

Satisfied for the moment I turned to help Jackson, doing my best to block out the pained noises escaping the lips of the feverishly delirious doctor. We managed to stitch up the gash in her leg that had just barely missed the artery, wrapping it in the last of the bandages, before a small hand landed on my shoulder.

I jumped, spinning to look up at Octavia and letting out the air in my lungs.  
“Shit, don't sneak up on me like that O.” I chastised, handing Jackson a damp rag.  
“I called your name three times, Clarke.” The girl replied with an eye roll, then much more seriously, “Who is she? Is she going to be okay?” I swallowed past the lump in my throat, forcing myself to look away from my mother.  
“She's strong, but I don't... it's too soon to tell. And that's Abby Griffin...” Realization hit Octavia hard and she let a small surprised gasp escape.  
“I'm so sorry, Clarke.”

I nodded once before pulling her to the other side of the hall, which had been vacated only minutes before.  
“I need you to go outside and help set up a triage. We'll need places for people to sit and lie, boiled water, food and drinking water, any clean cloth that can be torn into bandages, and any healers the grounders have... With my mom out of commission, it's just me and Jackson...”

 

An hour later I was moving from patient to patient, wrapping arms and legs, stitching cuts closed, picking small bits of shrapnel from peoples shoulders and backs... The work seemed neverending and after each person I glanced at my mom, her chest still rising and falling irratically, whimpers fighting past her lips even in sleep. And every time the only thing that let me move to the next patient was that ever present tug in my chest, the knowledge that Lexa was nearby.

It was dark before I had even noticed that the sun was setting, most people had been ushered away, given food and blankets by the grounders and welcomed to sit around a fire. I could tell most did it grudgingly, only following their Heda's orders, but it was a step in the right direction. The survivors from the Ark seemed too out of sorts to make any fuss about these strangers at the very least.

At long last I sank down into the dirt beside my mother, changing the rag on her forehead for a fresh one. Jackson had explained about how they had all been strapped in, tied to the wall so that they wouldn't go flying during re-entry. But, while they were in zero-G, a little girl had come loose. My mom hadn't even hesitated, undoing herself and wrapping her body around the girls the moment before gravity hit them all once again. That was when things went wrong.

My mom had turned around, pressing the girl into the wall with her own body and a hole had torn in the hull on the opposite side and down the hall. The fire and heat quickly melted a wall of metal that had been rushing toward the breach, but it also burnt Abby. The girl was no worse for wear, a bruise on her head, but nothing else... my mum had been a hero

But that didn't matter to me, my mom was always a hero, she was the best doctor on the Ark... I still felt betrayed and hurt, angry even, but there wasn't any room for those feelings as I slowly re-wrapped her leg. All I could do was worry, work, and hope that she would pull through. It was a miracle that she hadn't been burnt to a crisp, that she hadn't died before or after the crash. With the amount of pain she was in she should have succumbed already... Maybe she was hoping too.

I brushed the tears angrily from my eyes. I was sick of crying, and besides, now was not the time. Instead I reapplied the burn salve before laying down beside my mother and watching her as she fought for her life.

 

Growling, screaming, grunting, and swearing... a lot of swearing, a lot of swearing in both English and Trigedasleng. That's what woke me up just before dawn.

I shot upright from my spot on the floor and ran my hands over every inch of my mother before registering that the noises were not coming from her. She was still breathing, none of her bandages seemed to be too red and there was only a thin sheen of sweat on her pasty skin. Small improvements, but I would take what I could get.

Jackson was stirring from a spot not too far away so I called him over before getting to my feet. My muscles ached, my head throbbed and my stomach protested its current empty state, but I pushed all of this down as I weaved my way out of the little triage area and toward the commotion.. When I found the source I added my own creative slew of curse words to the mix.

Bellamy was standing front and center, holding one half of a struggling man that could only be described as a monster;  
He was wearing thick furs, despite the heat of the season, his bulk very apparent regardless. His hair was a wild, tangled mess, matted with blood, dirt and leaves. There was also blood covering his mouth, as though he had been feasting on something very... fresh. White paint was decorating his face and upper arms in completely random streaks. But the worst part were his eyes, wide, bloodshot and feral in every way. He may have been a man once, but he wasn't right now.

It looked as though all three hunting parties had returned and I now had three savage, wild, uncontrollable _Rippa's_ to operate on

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it wasn't as bad as i thought it was... and just to clarify; Clarke is not beating her A.I, but she may be starting to understand how it works...  
> Don't forget to leave your comments


	25. I Can Save Them

There was a shout from the back of the group before the crowd behind me started to part. I turned around to find Lexa making her way toward the hunting parties, dressed in full armor, her cape flowing over her left shoulder and her sword on her hip. I wasn't really surprised when I noticed the black kohl mask, like streaking tears, painted over her eyes and cheekbones.

She came to a stop beside me, looking stoically over the struggling prisoners. But I saw as her lips tightened the smallest fraction, the momentary shimmer of pain in her eyes, the painfully slow swallow that she tried to hide, and finally, the sluggish blink.  
“Knock them out.” She ordered in a voice that was far too calculated for my liking. Instantly, Indra stepped forward from the crowd, cracking each of the monstrous savages in the temple with the pommel of her sword. One after the other they crumpled unconscious in their captors arms.

“Heda?” I croaked, in a voice that was much softer than I intended. Lexa turned to look at me, one eyebrow raised in question. I cleared m throat and continued; “There are a number of rooms on the Ark that were used to hold prisoners. It would be easier to guard them...”

I was relieved when she nodded, feeling countless eyes trained on me. Steeling myself, forcing thoughts of my still unconscious mother from my mind, I turned away and walked over to Bellamy.

He straightened as I approached, wiping sweat from his forehead, and wiping what I assumed was blood and dirt from his hands. I reached up and pulled him into a hug, fighting back tears as he folded his arms around me. I let the comfort wash through me for just a moment before I pushed away.

“The SkyBox survived.” I said, motioning over my shoulder as the Ark, “Take them there, separate cells, no restraints... I don't want them hurting themselves while they try to escape.”  
“Yeah, that's why they weren't tied up, it's like they don't care how much pain they're in.” He ran his hand through his shaggy hair as he spoke, revealing a gash across his right temple.  
“What happened?” I asked as I brushed my fingers over the dried blood. Bellamy smiled a shit-eating grin.  
”They didn't want to come and meet you, though I couldn't imagine why.” He joked, “Don't worry about me, Princess, I'll heal.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes before crouching down beside the unconscious _Rippa_. Lexa had told me once that the mountain captured her people and sent them back; the lucky ones came back completely drained of blood. But when I asked about the unlucky ones she had simpl said that she hoped I never found out. Looking now at this man, I could understand why.

He was easily as large as the bigger warriors I had seen around, his muscles tight and defined under the bloodied furs and leather adorning his body. Even unconscious his face was contorted in pain, his arms and legs twitching ever so slightly. Beads of sweat ran down his face and there was a definite flush to his skin. I reached out and touched his cheek, recoiling at the heat coming off it.

He was hot, and not just because he was stupidly wearing winter clothing. His skin was feverish. Curiosity drove my to peel an eyelid back; his pupils were dilated.

“They're sick...” I muttered to myself, looking at the other two to confirm.  
“Of course they are, they fight like animals, Clarke.” I looked up at Bellamy and shook my head.  
“No, Bell, they're really sick... I-I think it's some kind of withdrawal.”  
“Wait, like drugs? Clarke, where are Grounders going to get their hands on drugs?” I got to my feet and looked out to where the peak of Mt Weather was visible over the tree tops.  
“They didn't.”

 

Once the _Rippa's_ had been dragged away, I went back into the camp with the intent of finding Raven. I knew how to surgically remove these transmitter's, but I would need Raven to keep them working.

But before I could find the mechanic, Indra stepped out from behind a tree, right into my path. I pulled up short, almost losing my balance and stumbling into the severe looking woman. Her hand was resting on her sword as usual, but she didn't seem to want to kill me right at that moment. Small victory...

“Heda wishes to see you,” She bit out. I sighed, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands.  
“Yeah, I just have to check on-” I started but was cut off.  
“Now.” Her words weren't cruel, she didn't even have the snarl in her voice that I had grown accustomed to, but I wasn't prepared to test her patience.  
“Of course,” I obliged with a small nod and strained smile.

The warrior stepped out of my way and watched as I started toward Lexa's tent, but she didn't follow me. I let out a sigh of relief and moved further into camp,

Lexa's tent was easy to find. It was the largest that had been set up, painted in reds, browns and blacks. It was very close to where the triage was, and I allowed myself to fantasize that I had been the reason for its location. But what really made it noticeable, were the two armed guards standing outside, glaring at everyone that passed as though they had an incurable disease.

I stopped before them, raised brows when they crossed their spears to bar entry.  
“Heda summoned me.” I told them, moving to duck under their weapons. One of them used his free hand to push me away. I stumbled back a step and raised a hand to my chest to rub away the small ache.  
“Alright, fine!” I snapped, throwing my hands into the air and turning to storm away, “I have things to do anyway.”

I hadn't taken two steps before I heard Lexa's quiet voice behind me.  
“Klark, come.” When I turned she was holding the flap of the tent open with one hand, barely visible through the gap. I didn't need to be told twice, shouldering past the guards and slipping into the tent.

It was beautiful, in the same way that Lexa herself was beautiful. There was a round wooden table to the left of the room, a map sketched into the surface. A smaller version of Lexa's throne sat atop a platform in the center, room for an attendant on each side and a blood red seat contrasting against almost black wood. The right side of the room had a water basin and a small table laden with food, some of it quite obviously fresh.

The back of the tent was cordoned off with soft sheer curtains; pinks and blues and greens. Then around the room were countless candles of every shape and size. They let off a soft glow, taking away from the harshness of grounder styling and leaving behind an undeniable warmth. I envied Lexa this, on the Ark every room seems to be washed with gray and blue, white lights siphoning out any actual color you were lucky enough to find.

“Are you hungry?” Lexa asked from my side, almost making me jump out of my skin. She didn't sound like Lexa, she sounded small and vulnerable, unsure of herself... nervous. I looked ouver at the food and my stomach twisted uncomfortably.  
“Not right now.” She nodded and walked further into the room, even her walk was less confident. “Lexa, what's wrong?” I asked, following her.

When I stopped in front of her I finally got a good look at her face. She was still wearing her mask but it wasn't Heda who looked back at me. Her eyes were almost clouded, as though she were lost in her head, unable to ground herself.

Taking her face in my hands I leaned in closed, never breaking eye contact. She pulled in a slow, deep breath and her chest shuddered as she released it.  
“You can tell me, ai hodnes.” I whispered, resting her head on my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her.  
“I am sorry, Klark,” she sobbed breathlessly into my neck, “I do not think I can.”

I stilled for half a second, but caught myself, holding tighter as I felt moisture seeping into my shirt. The only other time Lexa had cried in front of me was after torturing a man. She didn't need to talk, not yet, she needed me to hold her, just like I did then.

My mind was still reeling; my mother was still so badly injured that she could die at any moment, the _Rippa's_ needed to be operated on, I wanted to speak to the people that had landed yesterday, and my list continued to grow. But I pushed it all to the back of my mind as Lexa pulled away, taking my hand in hers and walking through the curtains.

It was a small space, a bed made of crates and a soft mattress set up facing the back wall of the tent and a trunk sitting off to the side. We sat on the bed, Lexa practically crawling into my lap. She didn't speak so neither did I , knowing she would talk when she was ready.

Slowly, she seemed to come back to herself. I could feel the change, intangible but as obvious as a summer breeze. I kissed the top of her head before she pulled away and smiled at me shyly.  
“Sorry.” she breathed, obviously embarrassed, but I shook my head at her.  
“Don't be ridiculous, Lexa.”

She had shuffled off the bed so I followed her. I tried not to feel a pang of hurt when she turned her back to me and walked over to her trunk. Lexa opened it and pulled out her pauldron, deep red cape attached. I watched as she ran the fabric through her fingers, fighting the pull in my chest that wanted me to get closer.

“We have all lost someone to the Reaping.” Lexa said, looking over her shoulder at me. “If we are lucky the mountain sends our loved ones back to us and we can burn them, sending them on to the next... But some, some the mountain turns into _Rippa's_ , Reapers.” she bent down and pulled out a circular tin before closing the trunk again. “They are stronger than our strongest, faster than our fastest, they feel pain but it does not slow them as it does a normal man, and they fight as though they care for nothing but blood.”

“There was a time when my people thought that if the maunon could change our warriors, then perhaps we could change them back... But it is not possible. If the _Rippa_ does not, or can not, fight, then he dies... So when you come across one, it is only merciful to kill him, to give him peace, end his fight, and send him on to the next.”

There was a pause and I let myself process her words. I could hear the masked tremor in her voice, she had lost someone to the _Rippa's,_ that much was clear. And of course they had failed in bringing these men back, withdrawal could kill unless it was handled properly. But should I tell her that it's a drug that is turning her people into monsters? Better yet, should I try to bring them back? Would it hurt more or less if they knew that it was possible to save their people?

“I tell you this, Klark, so that you are not surprised when my warriors kill the _Rippa's_ the second you have retrieved their transmitters safely.”

My eyes shot wide in shock and a heavy weight dropped into my stomach. She wanted me to just stand by while these men were killed. Could I do that? There was a chance, no matter how small, that I could save the _Rippa's_. With my help they could get through the withdrawal... maybe. I had to at least try, right?

“I can't let that happen, Lexa.” My voice much more confident than I felt, when she spun around, the beginnings of fiery anger burning in her emerald green eyes.  
“You will, Clarke.” I closed my eyes for a long second and then stepped toward her. I bit my lip when she recoiled from my touch, but lowered my hand back to my side.  
“I think I can save them-” I started to explain, but Lexa cut me off, stepping right up to me, so close I could feel her body heat against my bare skin.  
“They can not be saved.” Each word rang with barely contained fury and pain. I cringed but refused to break eye contact.

That hard, cold anger that only Lexa managed to awaken within me, flowed slowly through my veins as I fought to control my breathing.  
“What if I can?” I asked, pouring my resolve into my words, “I've seen similar symptoms before. It won't be easy, but I may be able to heal them.”  
“They deserve an honorable death, what you are offering is empty promises!”

Lexa wheeled around and crashed through the curtains back into the main area of the tent.  
“Lexa-” I tried as I followed her.  
“No Klark!” she growled, throwing her pauldron on her throne and spinning to face me from where she stood on her raised platform. “You are smart, you are talented, you are caring to a fault, and you lead your people well. But you are no God! You can not choose who lives and dies. The men who become _Rippa's_ are dead, replaced by monsters. It is bad enough that we must kill those we used to can friend or brother, we do not need to be tortured with false hope!”

I stood there silently for a second, my mouth hanging open but nothing coming out. There were prickling tears in the back of my eyes so I blinked to keep them at bay. She was hurting so much and she was letting it cloud her judgement. After a deep breath I gave her a small nod and went to the tents entrance, turning back just before leaving.  
“Hope can't be false, Lexa. It's either there or it isn't.”

 

I knew that I should have checked on my mother, if only to prove to myself that she was still breathing. But I knew that there was nothing more I could do for her and was afraid that it would be too much for my fraying nerves. Jackson was watching over her, that would have to be enough for me.

Right now I was in an operating theater that had been cleaned out. The Reapers were all heavily restrained on the three gurneys, weighed down to discourage thrashing (something we learned the hard way). Raven was standing beside me, helping me remove the final transmitter from an unconscious _Rippa_.

The surgery had gone well, there had been enough anesthesia in the wreckage for all three of the drugged grounders, and Raven was more than capable of stopping the devices from shutting off. Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln were in the room as guards. Kane, upon hearing of the dangerous situation, had also insisted on being present.

No one had questioned my suggestion to bar the door when I explained it was to keep the _Rippa's_ in should they escape their bindings. No one had questioned me bringing in buckets of water, bags of food, or as much of the medical supplies as Jackson could spare before the patients had been wheeled in. I took a deep breath as I started stitching the man up, trying to keep my hands steady for a few more moments.

“Bellamy?” I called softly, all eyes turning to me.  
“What is it, is he waking up?” I held up my hand before he could rush over.  
“No, They'll be out for a couple more hours yet.” I tied off the stitch and cleaned the wound as best I could. “But very soon there will be angry grounders banging on the door and you can't let them in.”

As I expected, everyone froze in place, waiting for an explanation. I stepped away from the Reaper and pulled my gloves off, wiping my brow with my forearm.  
“Okay, I'll bite.” Octavia snapped, “Why the hell not?”  
“They want to kill the _Rippa's_ ,” my voice tired as I checked a pulse.  
“I'm inclined to agree with that course of action.” Bellamy barked harshly, “These things are monsters, Clarke. If we're done with them then they should be put down.”

I stepped in front of him before he could get any closer to the gurneys and pressed my hands to his chest, gently pushing him away.  
“I can save them.” I argued, “They're addicts, that's all. Once they get through the withdrawal they should go back to normal” They all looked skeptical, but Lincoln looked at me imploringly.  
“You think you can bring them back?” he asked with tentative awe. I nodded, feeling the last of my strength start to seep from my body.

Bellamy looked at Raven and Octavia. Raven simply shrugged and went back to work, but O was already standing at the door, her hand on her sword.  
“Fine!” Bellamy snapped halfheartedly, “You win again, Princess.”

 


	26. Survival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to put a bit of a warning here; there is no actual drug use in this chapter, but Clarke is dealing with withdrawal from the grounders. i apologize if it is inaccurate.
> 
> It's also been brought to my attention that in this chapter and maybe even previous ones, i tend to have a certain level of domestic abuse occurring. i can see where this is happening and just want everyone to know that it is not my intention. Both Clarke and Lexa are not just partners in my story, they are rivals and warriors too, not to mention the very real life threat that they pose to one another. I agree it can be seen as a very toxic relationship between two slightly unstable people, but that is the point... sometimes love can't conquer all

I had collapsed in the corner, drinking half a liter of water and forcing down a bread roll before letting my eyes drift closed. It felt like only moments later, though a quick glance at my dad's watch told me it had been an hour, that a pounding on the doors shocked me into wakefulness. Octavia noticed and turned to me with a grim expression.  
“I think they noticed.” she quipped, rolling her shoulders and twirling her sword.

I almost smiled as I accepted Bellamy's outstretched hand, letting him pull me to my feet. I was surprised they had taken so long actually, in my experience they weren't exactly known for their patience... outside of hunting.  
“They were talking for about ten minutes before they decided to break through.” Bellamy filled me in. “I can't be sure but I think they were calling for Indra.”

Nodding, I started to look through the pile of supplies for my sword and belt, buckling them into place before going to check on the _Rippa's._ I had expected Indra, and when Indra couldn't break through they would get Lexa. That was when it would get hard.  
“Kane, how sturdy are those doors?” He looked nervous but he answered me all the same.  
“The steel is two inches thick, the glass is reinforced and tempered... as long as they can't shut off the electromagnet, there is absolutely no way they can get through.”

He was wrong of course. I had learned not to underestimate the grounders, especially not their cunning commander. But they would hold for now and that's all I needed.

It took around 48 hours to detox most drugs. Symptoms could last for weeks, as would the craving, but two days would be long enough to prove that they weren't lost. They were all sweating rivulets so I changed the wet rags on their heads, checking pulses and pupils. All three were trembling slightly in their sleep, the affects of whatever they were on were starting to wear off.

All of a sudden the pounding on the door stopped and a muffled voice came through the door. Everyone turned to look at me and I had to remind myself not to shy away from their expectant expressions. This was my plan after all, I had to call the shots.

I straightened my back as I crossed to the doors, pressing the button for the intercom.  
“Is that you Indra?” I asked, making sure to keep my voice steady.  
“What is the meaning of this?!” The warrior spat, her voice crackling through the system. I could hear her furious expression. “Open these doors Klark kom Skaikru!”  
“I can't do that.” I answered, rubbing at my temple. “I'm in the middle of surgery.”

It was a lie, a bad one too, but I might be able to bluff my way into a few more hours reprieve before I had to fight with Lexa. That was what I was really fearing. It wasn't the deadly drug addicts, it wasn't the numerous bulky and very well armed Grounders banging on the door, Or even the Commanders general threatening to skin me alive for my insubordination. No, what I was scared of in that moment was Lexa. She would be so angry, betrayed, and I knew that I would be the only one that could hear the hurt in her voice when it finally came over the speaker. I could already feel my heart breaking, the tight, painful throb in my chest. She had given me no choice, I couldn't sit by and let innocent men die... I couldn't give up hope.

After a barrage of verbal threats from an infuriated Indra, I shut off the intercom and enlisted Lincoln and Kane to help me care for my stirring patients. By the time they had woken we had cut away the thickest of their clothing and cleaned their skin as best we could. I didn't want to pull them from a drug haze just for them to die from infection.

The next few hours were more than a little stressful. All three Grounders were in extreme pain, their muscles tensing so much I was almost afraid they would pop. The men screamed and growled and fought against their restraints as though afraid for their lives. Lincoln had some pain herbs and made small doses of pain killers for them, but the plants weren't strong and wore off quickly.

The pounding, clanging and screeching sounds of the grounders trying to break in started up again and I wasn't really surprised when Raven lost it. She had been working on the transmitters and I was grateful that she wrapped them carefully in cloth before she got up and limped rather aggressively toward the doors.

She hit her fist against the glass before turning the intercom on.  
“Would you shut the hell up already!” she shouted into the microphone. By the sudden absence of sound on the other end I could only assume she had startled them. “I'm trying to work in here and I have enough to deal with, without the entire Grounder army trying to force their way in here! We aren't opening this fucking door and if you don't like it you can go float yourself!” Without a second glance she spun around and went back to her make-shift work station.

We were all stunned into silence and frozen in place while Raven went back to work as though nothing had happened. Apparently, the warriors outside the door felt the same way because it was a good ten minutes before we heard any further sounds from the other side of the door.

But when we did, my heart stopped and my stomach dropped.  
“Klark,” Lexa's voice was sharp and harsh. In that one word I could hear her disbelief, anger and pain. But she had to have known this was who I am, she had to have known I wouldn't just sit by. I passed my rag off to Lincoln and crossed to the intercom.  
“I'm here.” I wasn't surprised that my voice cracked, but I hated myself for it none the less.

“Open the door, Clarke.” I could hear Heda's order and knew her patience wouldn't last. I had one chance to convince her to back off and let me save her people, or she would find a way in... probably rip through the metal door with her bare hands.  
“I can't do that, Lexa.” I leaned my head against the cool glass of the window, fighting back the ache in my chest.  
“You need to open these doors and let us tend to our dead.” There was barely contained rage dripping from every syllable.  
“They aren't dead yet, I can still save them.”

There was a confused murmur that filtered through the intercom before Lexa shouted over them;  
“Shop op!” I flinched, wishing I wasn't the source of her anger and hurt. “If you do not let me in, I can not save your people from the consequences.” This was a growl, a spiteful jab, a bluff because she knew that I couldn't let my people suffer on my behalf. Somehow, the knowledge that she would say it hurt more than the words themselves.

It took me a full minute to collect myself. The people behind me, my friends, were all tense, waiting for my reply. They were willing to go along with whatever I chose, even though they didn't know what I did. Lexa had promised to care for my people, she wouldn't punish the Ark survivors for something I was doing. I pulled in a deep breath and made sure to speak clearly.

“You won't harm my people Heda, you gave me your word.” Her answer came a heartbeat later, coated in a venom I had never heard from her.  
“You said it yourself, Klark kom Skaikru. These are not your people. Your people are in that room and locked in the mountain. Continue to defy your Heda and I will have no choice but to make an example of the people who fall from the sky.”

Before I could even begin to process what she was saying, how she was saying it, there was the sound of thrashing behind me. I spun around and saw Kane and Lincoln trying to stop one of the Reapers from violently upending his weighted gurney. A quick glance was enough for me to take in his eyes that had rolled into the back of his head, the white foam starting to form at the corners of his mouth.  
“Shit.” I hissed, rushing over to help.

Ignoring Lexa's demand for information, I picked up a syringe from the tray I had prepared and stabbed it into the mans thigh, depressing the plunger. His shaking slowed to violent twitches and I nudged Kane away so that I could untie the grounders left arm and leg. Everyone starting shouting at me at the same time, but I tuned them out and starting rolling the man to his side with great difficulty. Lincoln took pity and helped, holding the twitching man in place once I stepped back.

“What the hell, Clarke?” Bellamy hissed from his spot by the doors. I waited until I had checked the grounders vitals before answering him.  
“Seizures are to be expected.” I explained breathlessly, “He'll be too weak to fight us at this point and I need him unrestrained if I'm going to make sure he doesn't choke or drown on his own vomit.”

I was about to check on the other two men when Lexa's voice came over the intercom once again.  
“I will never forgive you for putting my people through this, Klark.” It was hauntingly calm, like a whisper that I could feel instead of hear. My heart shattered and I couldn't remember how to breathe. Hot tears filled my eyes and slid unhindered down my cheeks.

I tried to blink them away, to put Lexa's voice out of my head and go back to my job, but my body wouldn't respond. All I had to do was save these _Rippa's_ , all I had to do was prove that I could bring them back. Once I had done that, we could talk. Once I had done that I could fix whatever it was that I had broken.

“Bring me the SkaiPrisa's mother.”

Everyone in the room gasped collectively, turning their eyes to me. Ice had shot through my veins, down my back, paralyzing me where I stood. The words repeated in my mind, a million times in the frame of a second. Fear gripped me, crushed me, tore away every part of me that cared and rebuilt me.

I recognized it now. The feeling of the _Spirit_ taking control. It knew when I was weakest, most vulnerable, and that was when it would strike. But this time I didn't want to fight it. This time I let myself lose control, relishing as it made the decisions for me. The sharp pull in my chest became unbearably tight, my left hand shot to my sword and pulled it free of its sheath.

“Princess,” Bellamy questioned hesitantly as I took a step toward the door, “What are you doing?” My head snapped around to glare at him for a second before my body continued its progression. Raven was the next to speak up, stepping away from her work and turning me around with a firm grip around my arm.  
“Clarke?”

I didn't speak, I simply yanked my arm away with much more force than was necessary and turned back to the door. There was a creative list of curses before Raven shouted to the others;  
“That's not Clarke, don't let her through the freaking door!”

As though I had done it thousands of times before, my body crouched into a fighting stance, preparing to fight off anyone who was foolish enough to try. I was faintly aware that Lincoln and Octavia had both drawn their swords, moving around to flank me from either side, Bellamy had lifted his rifle too and Raven was edging around the side of the room to get to the control panel before me.

I felt my lips pull into a smirk, and that's when Kane stupidly stepped into my way. I growled in warning but he held his ground, holding up a hand as though asking me to stop.  
“Kane, get away from her.” Bellamy barked, “That's not our Clarke, she's dangerous!” Kane ignored him, much to my newly sadistic self's delight.  
“Clarke, what are you doing?” He asked, “Go back to helping these men, it's what your mother would want.”

The icy anger that had been solely trained on the woman on the other side of the doors now turned on the guard before me. He still thought he was in charge, didn't he? He still thought that I was some civilian kid that he could boss around. I could feel the power raging through me, feel it seep into my muscles and bones. How could he think that someone as powerful as me, would ever listen to the likes of him.

“Damn it Kane, get out of her-” Before Raven could finish my right hand shot out and connected hard against the mans face, sending him sprawling sideways. I stepped over his legs, Lexa's very existence calling to my body once again.

That's when I snapped out of it, at least in my head. Seeing Kane lying limp as I walked over him was enough to tell me something was wrong. He wasn't the enemy, so why had I hurt him?

I fought for control of my limbs, tried to stop myself, tried to focus on my love for Lexa. But it wasn't working. Everyone was calling for me to snap out of it, Raven was now at the control panel, fiddling with wires, trying to make it impossible for me to get out.

I sensed more then saw when Lincoln pounced. But my body was ready for it. I spun, catching his swinging sword in my hands and tugged him closer. My body twisted around until Lincoln was being pulled over my shoulder,his own weight and momentum sending him crashing into the wall. Octavia swooped in a second later, feinting to my left and trying to twist under my right arm. But my leg caught her boot, tripping her. Before she could fall into my path, my right hand wrapped itself in a handful of hair and tugged her backwards. She sprawled out beside Lincoln and I started toward the door once again. I didn't spare Bellamy a glance, he wouldn't shoot me, even the damn _Spirit_ was sure of it.

I felt sick to my stomach as I got nearer to Raven, who was still frantically working on the doors control panel. While my hand reached up of its own accord, I could hear thrashing start up behind me and I flinched inwardly. Another of the Reapers was having a seizure and I was in no state to help him. I could feel the mechanic tense as I grabbed her shoulder, pushing her out of the way with a lot more force than was required.

She stumbled away, crashing into a table before she could regain her footing. For a moment it felt as though the _Spirit_ was flitting through my mind, trying to find the information it needed to fix the panel. Raven was right, this damn thing was artificial intelligence and it was trying to use me to learn.

“Hey blondie!” my head snapped around just in time to see Raven's wrench flying at my face. Somehow, my hand flew up with lightening speed, catching the metal tool just before it could hit. I was both relieved and disappointed, especially when my other hand sheathed my sword and grabbed a handful of wiring, ripping it all free of the wall.

There was some electrical protests from what was left of the wiring before the electromagnet released and the seal on the doors popped open. Both rooms erupted into choas. Bellamy and Octavia rushed to either side of the doors and were trying to hold them closed while the grounders on the other side were working to force them open.

My hijacked body moved back a few paces, facing the door and waiting for my prey to come rushing in. Icy rage was filling me now, rage that I wasn't entirely sure was my own. I tried to force it down, but there were only two things in the world that meant anything to me at this moment; and Lexa had corrupted both with that one order.

I could kill her this time. I wasn't just a vessel any more, my body actually had training of its own. The _Spirit_ was searching me, working its way into every last part of my body, flexing my muscles, learning what I was now capable of. I fought it at every turn, I had to regain control. I loved the woman who was about to barge through those doors and I would sooner die myself then let some stupid computer program use me as a murder weapon.

My left hand wrapped around the handle of my sword, so that's where I focused all my energy, pushing against my own muscles, trying to stop my body from pulling it free. The thrashing behind me intensified and a small part of my brain was aware that Kane was crawling toward the source. At that moment the doors were pried open and four grounder warriors came into the room, restraining both Bellamy and Octavia before they could react.

I lost my concentration and in a heart beat I was armed, my limbs arranged in a deceptively lazy stance. Lexa came into view once Indra and another warrior swept into the room, Kane crying out as he was knocked away from the _Rippa's_.

_Thump-thump._

The familiar feeling made me want to cry. Lexa's heart beat, as though her heart rested in my chest, right next to my own.

 _Thump-thump_.

Her beautiful green eyes, so hard and filled with anger and pain, swept over me. Our eyes met and I watched as realization dawned on her, my mighty Commander's muscles tensing even further as she prepared to fight me.

_Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump._

Her heart beat in time with my own, like we shared the same muscle. An annoying buzz in the back of my head tried to tell me that only one of us could survive. But my heart filled with a welcoming warmth and I knew it wasn't true.

My eyes slid shut, the prickling in the base of my skull becoming overpowering. Suddenly the world was gone, hidden behind uncooperative eyelids. But the _Spirit_ seemed to have amplified other senses... it intended to fight without my sight, trying to prevent me retaking control. 'Okay,' I thought to myself, allowing one moment of sarcasm to help ground me, 'I know this thing is called intelligence, but this is just ridiculous.'

I was no longer focused on my hand or the sword that was gripped just tight enough in my palm, now I was pushing at my eyes, trying desperately to open them, needing to see Lexa, wanting to beg her to end all of this. But it was more than a little disheartening... My eyes were the only thing that were still me when I lost control. They were the only way I could communicate to Lexa and they were taken from me.

How was I meant to fight something that had come to know me better than I knew myself? It sensed when I was most vulnerable before I did, it knew how to take advantage of my thoughts and feelings. This A.I knew how to build me up and tear me down. It wanted me weak and alone in an empty abyss and that's certainly how I felt.

_Thump-thump_

Lexa... I'm so sorry, hodness.

I twirled my sword at my side, rolling my wrist and loosening the muscles in my arm. The room had gone quiet and I heard Lexa's voice ring out clearly.  
“No one is to interfere!” she ordered and I heard the steel of her sword sing as she pulled it free. “Clarke, you have fought this before, I know you can break through again. Come back to me, Klark.”

I wanted to. I tried to. But the hold was too tight. The only tangible thing was the warmth radiating from that second heart beat, so I clung to it.

One foot slid forward on the floor, my head cocking so that I could hear better. It wasn't long before it found Lexa and tuned everything else out, using my memories to pin point her breathing, the sound of her armor moving, things I didn't even know I knew. I could even smell her; grass and rain, soil and sunshine... the ground.

There was the slight movement of air toward my right and my body reacted instinctively, twisting away before throwing my left fist, still holding my sword, and connecting painfully with Lexa's pauldron. The pain was sharp, white flashing in my eyes before they shot open. I heard the growl tear from my throat, but I was too busy forcing my eyes to stay open to care.

Lexa and I were surrounded by eight warriors in a loose circle, giving us as much room as possible. The Commander herself had been knocked back a step by my counter attack, but was smirking triumphantly over her shoulder at me. I couldn't help but think that that woman is much smarter than she is percieved to be. He eyes locked on mine and my heart started to race, highlighting the throbbing white hot pain radiating from my left hand up my arm.

I couldn't see the damage because I still wasn't in control of my head, but I could feel the broken skin and bones. Still the _Spirit_ didn't loosen it's grip on the sword. I didn't mind, the pain seemed to fight off the buzzing in my skull, like I was starting to see just where this things hold on my was.

Lexa turned to face me once more, her sword at the ready. Again she made the first move, lunging forward and side-stepping my attempt to impale her. When her hand gripped my shoulder all my muscles tensed. Lexa used her momentum to swing around, pushing down hard as she launched off the ground. The toes of one boot pushed lightily on my rib cage from behind before her leg hooked around my neck. The A.I recognized the maneuver a moment too late as Lexa spun around my neck, her hand re-positioning on my head and her left boot pushing off of my right shoulder. As I fell back hard, I watched as she landed a few feet back in a graceful crouch.

My head cracked against the floor, my sword clattering on the metal as it flew out of my hand. I screamed out in a fleeting moment of control before the _Spirit_ regained its composure and rolled me to my feet. But when I turned Lexa was there, her fist connecting solidly with my jaw. Black blood sprayed through the air as my head snapped to the right.

The pain drove the computer a little further back, my left arm becoming much more apparent to me. Lexa pulled my shoulders forward, driving her knee into my gut and causing me to cough up a mouthful of blood. Still the _Spirit_ fought, trying to hook my right arm under her knee to flip her onto her back. It only succeeded in Lexa pulling me back with her, launching me over her body.

The landing knocked any remaining air from my lungs and I felt my body become mine at long last. It was only a second before Lexa was on top of me. A fist connected just below my right eye, another right by my nose on the left... A barrage of hits that I refused to stop. I let her go, tears spilling from my eyes as I clenched my own fists by my sides.

It wasn't until I stopped crying out with each blow that she stopped, breathing heavily where she sat on my chest. Her eyes, what I could see through the swelling that was already beginning, were wide and wild, as though completely shocked at what she had done. I raised my hand to rest on what I could reach of her leg and she flinched at the touch.  
“Please don't stop, Leksa.” I half gurgled through the pool of blood in my mouth, “You won't be safe until I'm dead.”

It was as though my words were a hot brand. Lexa jumped back off my body, not stopping until she was six feet away. I saw the pain and fear clear in her eyes, her mouth open as she stared at my prone form.  
“Everyone out,” she ordered, her voice wavering as she spoke. When no one moved she spun on the spot, glaring at them all, “NOW!”

As the grounders vacated the space, I rolled to my hands and knees, biting my lip to keep from crying out. I spat out a mouthful of pitch black blood before pushing myself to my feet. Lexa shot me one final glance before following Indra from the room and my heart broke all over again.

 

It was an hour later that Nyko came into the room with his bag of medical supplies. He explained that Heda had sent him to help, but he was unsure as to whether he was supposed to help with the _Rippa's_ or with me. I waved him off, asking him to try and get some water into the men still on the gurney's.

While I had been... not myself, both of the other Reapers had had seizures. Kane had managed to get to one in time, but Indra had stopped him from reaching the other. Both were still alive but I was almost certain the unlucky man was brain dead. I had failed already, and the knowledge had tears leaking from my swollen eyes every few minutes. But I could still save these other two.

Their fevers had broken and I was now wrapping them in blankets, trying to help them fight off the violent shivers. One consolation was that the withdrawal seemed to be much faster than normal, but that also meant it was probably twice as brutal. I had already preformed CPR on one of the men, Lincoln staring on in disbelief.

But with Nyko here, I finally sank to the floor with a bowl of water, some rags and a length of cloth. My hand was a bloody mess, jarring spikes of pain shooting up my entire arm. As carefully as I could I wiped away the worst of the blood, noting that each of my swollen knuckles was split, though already scabbed over. The bones underneath were definitely fractured, but they at least didn't seem shattered or cleanly broken.

Kane knelt down in front of me when I started trying to wrap it, taking my left wrist gently in his hand.  
“Let someone help you, Clarke.” He pleaded, pulling the cloth from my other hand. He pulled the bandage tight enough to provide support without cutting off circulation so I sat back and let the pressure offer me some sliver of comfort.

He tied it off when he was done and then picked up the wet rag, squeezing out the excess water before beginning to wipe the blood from my bruised face. He seemed like he wanted to ask questions, but was nervous.  
“Just ask.” I muttered as I fought back a hiss of pain.  
“I wouldn't know where to start.” He breathed almost gently, pressing a little to get some blood the had dried. “I mean, what happened to you before? Has it happened before? Why is your blood as black as oil? Why was that woman so angry at you?-”

“Stop.” I begged, my uninjured hand wrapping around his arm, “I'll explain what I can, but one question at a time.” I didn't tell the man why my blood was black or why I had lost control, but I did explain that it had happened before and that the Commander was angry at me for disrespecting their culture. When I was finished he knew I was holding back, but he was satisfied for the moment.

All I wanted to do was sleep, but the two recovering addicts need constant supervision. Their bodies were purging the drugs and it was an ordeal for everyone. Raven left somewhere in the next few hours, slipping away now that the doors were open and unguarded. I envied her.

The men each had a half dozen more episodes, sometimes screaming and thrashing, begging for 'Red', other times just shaking uncontrollably. Twice more I had to restart a heart, leaving Nyko and Lincoln both speechless and in shock.

Finally, after what I was told was 24 grueling hours, both mens heart rates stabilized, their breathing slowed, the tremors and twitches were must less frequent and they had stopped vomiting. Before I let myself crumple in a heap in my corner, I went over to the brain dead Grounders, picking up a scalpel along the way.

The other two were through the worst of it, barring any unforeseen catastrophe, they would live. But this man was already gone, his body was fading too, it wasn't right to let him suffer through the final hours of his life, even if he couldn't feel any of it. So I stood next to him and slipped the blade into his neck, slicing his artery clean in half.  
“Yu gonplei ste odon.” I whispered into his ear and then turned and went to my corner, curling into the smallest ball I could manage, falling straight into an exhausted sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all enjoying the story so far. I'm almost certain that I'm finished adding problems to Clarke's giant to-do list so we may have reached a turning point in the story. Saying that, i reserve the right to change my mind at any point.  
> Please don't forget to leave your comments and kudos, i love to hear from you.


	27. Whispered

When I woke up I was laid out on a cot, a thin blanket thrown over me. My eyes fluttered open, which I remembered in the back of my mind should have been almost impossible, the only light coming from a fire somewhere behind me. My hand ached and I could feel the soreness in my face with every subtle change in my expression, but the thudding against my skull had dulled to a manageable level.

I let out a quiet groan, using my right arm to push myself into a sitting position with my feet resting on the ground. I was outside in the triage area, everyone else around me fast asleep. Well, almost everyone, I thought as a young grounder jumped at my movement, looking me over once before quickly slipping away. It wasn't much of a surprise to find Octavia slumped against the foot of the cot, her sword lay across her lap and her chin resting on her chest. It seemed she was taking it upon herself to keep me safe while I was passed out.

Looking around I noticed the two former Reapers on their own cots at either side of me, they were both conscious but restrained. I was relieved to see that there was some color in their faces and though their hands were shaking they weren't struggling or screaming in pain. On the other side of the space were three more cots, Jackson was asleep on one, looking somewhat haggard. But on the other was my mom.

My heart stuttered painfully when I saw her. Her bandages were red, blood having seeped through. The grounders had probably moved her roughly, undoing all the healing she had managed. I wanted to go to her, to kneel beside her and try to fix her. But I knew there was nothing I could do that Jackson wouldn't have already done, I knew that if I let myself go to her then I wouldn't leave until she was moving again. There were so many things that I had to do first. Once I had, I could indulge in the comfort of my mothers embrace.

So I got to my feet, finding a pile of my things next to my cot and searching it until I had a change of clothes and my sword. It was only a short walk through the trees until I ran into the river that the camp had been using. I followed it until I came to a small pool, the river running through at each end. It was a pretty little spot, surrounded by trees spaced tightly around the banks.

Before long I had stripped down and slipped into the cool water, sighing in relief as it washed away the blood, sweat and stress from the past few days. The rocks on the floor of the pool were smooth, small fish swam past, following the gentle current, and the water caught the beginnings of sunlight streaming through the trees. I allowed myself the small luxury of listening to the forest animals waking, trying not to think about anything.

My peace was disrupted by the sound of a branch snapping underfoot, my body instantly tensing and my eyes scanning the trees. I reached around the sloping edge of the pool until my hand clasped around one of the smooth rocks, adjusting the weight in my hand so that I could either throw or swing it. When I saw the person stepping out of the cover of the trees my body relaxed instantly, almost of its own accord.

Lexa was as dressed down as I had ever seen her. She had on a pair of worn leggings, a dark gray singlet that was a size too big, and a band of gray cloth holding her hair back. Her right hand was wrapped, the dark material winding from her knuckles to midway up her arm. She was wearing her belt but she only had her knife strapped to her hip.

What stopped me from going to her was not the fact that I was pretty much naked. I wasn't that I was upset at her for what had happened the day before. It wasn't even that I was afraid she was still angry at me. No, what kept me where I was, was the look in her usually bright eyes.

It was like she was broken. Like she was an injured animal that I had to be careful not to spook. Her eyes, like the richest leaves, the lushest grasses, the most vibrant of greens, were dull and watery. She was purposely staring over my head, adverting her eyes from my state of undress. But I could see so much pain and self-loathing in her gaze regardless.

“Klark,” She whispered, barely audible, “Ai hodness, can we speak?”

 

It took all of two minutes for me to dress, simply slipping on my long-sleeved undershirt and ringing out my hair before taking a seat beside Lexa.  
“You really should dress properly.” Lexa choked out, “We could be ambushed.” I smiled, feeling the slight pull on my bruised skin.  
“I'll take the chance.” I said softly, pulling my fingers through my wet, tangled hair.

“Lexa, are you still angry at me for yesterday?” I asked, looking down at my lap as I spoke, “I know I shouldn't have disobeyed you, but I had to try to save them. I knew what was wrong, I have training your healers don't. I knew I could give your people a way back from the Reaping, I could take away some of the mountains power. I had to do it for you people and mine...” I trailed off, aware that in my nervous state I had been speaking much too fast.

I looked over at Lexa, but she was just staring down at the flowing water, her brows pressed together in thought.  
“Lexa?” I asked gently, putting my broken left hand on her thigh. She jumped away from my touch and it took everything I had to stop from shedding a tear at that moment. A second later she moved back to where she had been, gently lift my hand away and putting it in my lap.  
“I almost killed you, Klark.” She said, her accent heavy and her voice thick with tears, “What is worse is that you would have let me. I know you are a better fighter than what I faced, you were holding the _Spirit_ back.”

I didn't know what to say to that... Did she expect me to just let the A.I kill her?  
“Do you expect me to help this _Spirit_ kill you, Lexa?” I asked quietly, “Should I have to live with the knowledge that my hand took your life?” Slowly, her eyes met mine.  
“Do you not expect the same from me when you lay limp beneath me, refusing to push me away or fight back, or even call for me to stop?” There was no anger or resentment in her tone, just resignation...

I squeezed my eyes shut and put my head in my hands, she was right.  
“I'm so sorry.” I breathed once I lifted my head again, “I just- I just love you so much, Lexa. So much. All I could think was that I would gladly die so that you could live, that I wouldn't let the _Spirit_ use me as a weapon.”

She looked at me as though disbelieving, like I was a lunatic for wanting to give my life in exchange for hers.  
“I would not want to live without you, Klark.” She whispered, turning to face me. I turned my own body so that we were facing one another, our crossed legs touching at the knees. She raised her hand tentatively, resting it softly against my cheek and tracing my cheekbone with her thumb.

“When I left that room I came straight to the forest.” She started, “I ran for hours, hoping to delay my thoughts. When I did stop, I hated myself so deeply for what I have done to your beautiful face. If I had been defending myself then maybe I could forgive my actions. But I was simply angry, angry that you were trying to save those men when I had been forced to kill my own father.” Her breath shuddered but I stayed quiet as she regained her composure.

“I know I can never forgive myself, just as surely as I know that you have already forgiven me. I do not deserve it, Clarke. My soul is not as pure as your own... I was going to end our relationship-”  
“No!” I snapped, my heart having dropped suddenly into my stomach, my head spinning uncontrollably. “No, absolutely not, Lexa. You don't get to just leave me. I- I- I can't stand it if you-” My breathing became sharp and quick. I was panicking, hyperventilating. I knew it but I still couldn't stop it.

Lexa's eyes grew wide and she lifted her other hand to my face, holding me firmly, locking her eye with mine. Through the haze I heard her speaking softly, calmly;  
“Klark, ai hodness, calm yourself. Breathe, I am not going anywhere. I promise I am not leaving you.” I timed my breaths to Lexa's, forcing my lungs to cooperate. My cheeks became flushed once I was thinking straight again, it probably wasn't healthy to be so desperately attached...

“I am not leaving you, Clarke.” Lexa repeated once I was back to normal, “It was the thought that flew through my mind as I struggled with what I had done, that is all. I had become a danger to you. I will not let that happen again. Of that you have my word.” She released my face and instead picked up my right hand, playing idly with my fingers. “There is something that I wish to discuss, something I would like you to consider.”

I blinked slowly in an excellent imitation of Lexa herself, swallowed the sudden lump in my dry throat and nodded.  
“Alright, what is it?” I asked cautiously, unsure what to expect next but bracing myself for the worst anyway. Lexa took a deep breath before continuing.  
“You once asked what would happen if my people were to discover our relationship. I told you that the fall out would be more than difficult to handle. I was telling you the truth then. But things have started to change. You have earnt the respect of a great many through your actions, and the legends are already spreading around the fires...”

“Are you saying what I think you're saying?” I asked gingerly, carefully holding my joy at bay. She smiled at me shyly, brushing a damp strand of her behind my ear with her free hand.  
“Clarke, I want to be with you. I want to be allowed to look at you no matter where I am or who I am with. I want for you to be my equal in every respect. I wish to inform my people of _us_.”

Her words stole my breath. I knew what this meant. I knew that there was no taking this back. I knew how dangerous it was for Lexa, for me too I suppose. But she had taught me to defend myself for a reason, and if we were together I was confident that I could face just about anyone or anything. Lexa made me stronger and I liked to think I had the same effect on her.

I couldn't speak for a moment, just nod stupidly as I looked into her forest green eyes.  
“Are you sure, Lexa?” I asked, my voice cracking on her name.  
“I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you and the world needs to know.”

“Okay then,” I whispered, a shy smile lifting my lips.

She leaned forward slowly, so slowly. My breath caught in my throat and her hand snaked to the back of my neck, pulling me into her soft kiss. A single tear escaped in my distraction but we both ignored it.

I wanted to live in that moment, nothing but me and the woman I loved sitting by a river. In that one moment I could pretend that we were just two normal girls, madly in love, making out and worrying about absolutely nothing but how Lexa felt in my arms. I let myself imagine that life, let the fantasy come to life for one fleeting second.

I'm not exactly sure whether Lexa pulled me on top of her or I pushed her down, but we found ourselves lying down, hands and mouths roaming. I relished Lexa's soft gasps and throaty moans. I left my mark in as many places as she would let me, building her up into a flaming inferno before tipping her over the edge, swallowing my name with a kiss.

It was a while before I was finally able to dress.

 

The walk back to camp was easy and pleasant, my fingers twined with Lexa's. But when we emerged from the trees into the haphazard camp my mind seemed to switch right back into survival mode. I looked around for my people, spotting Raven and Octavia talking at the triage area, heads bowed together. They hadn't seen me yet but Bellamy certainly had, sidling up to me and walking at my left.

Lexa offered me a gentle squeeze of my hand before letting go,   
“Come to my tent once you have spoken to your people, tell them we leave at first light tomorrow.” I smiled and nodded as she turned away, watching while she walked up to Indra. She already seemed... lighter. Like a weight had been lifted from her. It made me happy, she made me happy.

My shaggy guard dog didn't miss the short exchange between us, or my prolonged staring, nudging me out of my fixation.  
“Earth to Clarke...” he grumbled, “Did I miss something? Because not even a few hours ago you were ready to rip each others throats out and now-”  
“Don't exaggerate.” I scolded playfully.  
“I'm not. I know you're friends, but I wouldn't even forgive Octavia that quickly, not for something like that.” Bellamy argued in disbelief, “So what's going on, Princess?”

I sighed and started towards Octavia and Raven. Bellamy followed almost reluctantly, looking for an answer.  
“We fought, people fight, Bell.”  
“Not like you two fight.”  
“Well we aren't exactly like other people are we? I have a computer chip in my head that wants me to kill Lexa and she has to stop me from doing that. Because it would be very bad... if I killed the Commander.”

We stopped in front of the triage center and I nodded to Raven and Octavia before bypassing them to check on the grounders. They were doing well, still finding it nearly impossible to keep anything down and shivering even in the heat, but at least they were awake and could speak. Jackson was with my mother, changing her bandages but I shook my head when he tried to beckon me over.

“Clarke, come eat.” Octavia called from the fire still burning low nearby. Glad for the excuse to escape, I turned on my heel and went to sit beside the younger girl.

She handed me an apple and I was suddenlu painfully aware of just how hungry I was. While I ate Raven spoke.  
“So, once I made sure they didn't shut off or explode, I had to figure out how to make these things transmit their codes without a biological signature.” She explained, holding one up to show me. “It took some fiddling but it should work automatically once it gets in range... and it probably won't explode.”  
“Wait,” Bellamy inquired around a mouthful of bread, “ _probably_?”

“It won't explode.” Raven assured him with a dismissive wave of her hand, “most likely...”

Both Octavia and I laughed as Bellamy's face started turning red. I finished my apple while the two of them argued over the chances that a transmitter would explode in Bellamy's face. I knew that Octavia was watching me carefully when my apple core was replaced with a slice of bread coated in what I was pretty sure was honey. A small part of me was annoyed, I wasn't some child that had to be force fed. But a larger part of me was touched that she cared so much. She acted so tough, and she was, but she was also sweet and caring.

Raven explained how the transmitters worked and passed them over to me before I left my friends to head over to Lexa's tent. As I passed the grounders stopped what they were doing to watch me go, those in my path quickly parted and whispers followed my every step. It made me self-conscious, put me on edge, but I ignored it as best I could... Had Lexa already said something about us?

 

I was surprised when I wasn't stopped outside Lexa's tent, instead one of the guards held open the fabric for me to pass through. I had expected Lexa to be alone, but the room was filled with those I recognized as the leaders of the seven clans that had rallied at Lexa's call. The Commander herself sat on her throne, Indra to her left. She smiled openly when she saw me, even though her mask was painted impeccably over her eyes.

The six other leaders stood in a loose semi-circle in the remaining space and I moved to join at the very edge. When I came to a stop Lexa rose to her feet, every other person in the room tensing ever so slightly. I watched as she stepped off her platform and took three steps, stopping in front of me.

I blushed furiously as she held her hand out to me. I couldn't help but look around at everyone's reactions before reaching out and gently putting my hand in hers. To their credit, most of these generals had trained expressions of neutrality, but a couple gave me the same look of disdain that I had grown accustomed to. I glanced at Indra who seemed to be purposefully looking anywhere but at me before finally turning my gaze to Lexa.

Her smile was small but genuine, there was joy in her eyes, no sign of regret or hesitation. It made me stand straighter, drove away the creeping anticipation, her confidence was contagous. I follwed when she started stepping back towards the throne, her touch sending warmth from my hand, up my arm and into my chest.

She positioned me to the right of the throne, leaning in and brushing her lips against my cheek, equal parts reassurance and a promise for later. Goosebumps erupted over my skin and heat shot down my spine to come to a rest at my very core. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and tried to push down the instant lust she had ignited with nothing more than a kiss to my cheek.

When Lexa pulled away she turned back to the room, standing in front of her throne.  
“Clarke kom Skaikru, as you have all agreed, has proven not only her worth, but the worth of her people since becoming part of our alliance.” She stated clearly, her voice measured, “She has given us a great gift, no longer are the _Rippa's_ our enemies. They can be brought back to us, the warriors we knew before they were Reaped.”

Lexa met each persons eyes in turn now, as though challenging them to refute my accomplishment.  
“You are now aware of my intimate relationship with Clarke. It is not a subject for which you may argue your views, it is not a political move or an opportunity for anyone to manipulate. But, I want every one of you, my most trusted generals, to know that any move against her is a move against Heda. Her orders are to be treated as my own, but Skaikru does not hold precedence over any other clan.”

She sat down, sweeping her red cloak out of the way and crossing her legs at the knee. I expected there to be outrage, for everyone to speak at once, to argue that I was the devil incarnate. But instead, one by one, each leader bowed their head to Lexa muttering 'Sha, Heda'.

With the ceremony of the matter out of the way the meeting then moved to the table as though nothing had xhanged. We went through the plan, this time Lexa and I managed to get through the whole thing. Then we went through it again, and again, and again, until every eventuality was planned for, until each of us could have recited it in our sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that has been commenting, I'm happy that i can keep you interested.  
> A slow chapter, sort of a filler so that everyone knows we're going into this next stage as blissfully happy as possible.  
> As always let me know what you think and thank you for reading.


	28. Raven Reyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to finish this last night, but for all the wrong reasons. i wanted to send a passive aggressive message to 'Tiffany', who keeps telling me that i am basically glorifying spousal abuse in my story. I'm glad it took me the extra day because it let me calm down :)  
> I am sorry you feel that way, but it is not my intention. I don't know how much clearer i can make the characters positions than how i do, especially this chapter.   
> But just to clarify; i do not in any way condone the beating of one's partner. I understand how much of an issue this is, trust me i really do, and i want anyone in this position to know that it is never okay for someone who is supposed to love you, to raise a hand against you.  
> Again, to 'Tiffany', i truly am sorry if i have offended you in any way.  
> Otherwise, i hope you all enjoy this update, it was kinda fun to add a new perspective...

The muggy heat of the day was oppressive, especially among the trees where the breeze couldn't reach us. The baking sun had fallen behind a never ending cloak of dark clouds, electrified moisture filling the air. I wished for the burning sun as we trudged through the forest, at least then I wouldn't be hot and half soaked through. When I had made to remove my armored vest Lexa had glared at me so hard that I thought better of peeling off any protective layering.

We hadn't spoken since the war council had broken the day before, I had returned to triage and Lexa had gone about her duties. Usually that meant that we would find one another once we weren't busy, but when I had gone to her tent I had been told that she wasn't there. Of course I didn't believe it so I ordered the guards out of my way, still shocked when they listened, and sure enough found an empty tent.

I waited, falling asleep on the bed. But when I woke up about an hour before dawn and Lexa still wasn't there, I left to get ready.

Most of the Arkers had stayed behind with a small number of warriors with orders to set out for Polis the next day. Kane stayed to facilitate a peaceful coexistence, but otherwise most of the guard had joined the march for the mountain, even if it was only to save the kids locked within. Most of the parents had also picked up rifles and insisted on coming along and as far as I was concerned that was their right, and I was in no position to refuse more firepower on our side.

Bellamy, I had convinced to stay behind, but Octavia wouldn't leave Lincoln's side. I understood where she was coming from, I would want to be with Lexa too, but I still wished she weren't so stubborn. She was walking beside Indra right now, once again pestering her for fighting lessons. One day that girl would be thrown on her ass, not that she'd stay there for long.

We stopped at the perimeter of the mountains defenses, one mile from the base. The camp was spread loosely among the trees, far enough between each group that we weren't easily spotted but close enough that we could respond to possible ambush. The scouts had already scoured the entire circle around the mountain, coming back with a great many cameras that had been hidden in the forest. We couldn't have the mountain seeing which direction we were coming from after all.

I found Raven with the one cart of supplies we had brought with us. I hated that she had come, but she was really the only person who could lead our first strike. Her mentor, Sinclair had also tagged along when Raven had told him the plan, never mind his broken arm.

“Hey Clarke,” She grumbled as she wrestled her feet into one of the hazmat suits, “Where's my team?” I smiled, bending down to help her pull the suit up, being much more gentle then she had been.  
“Lexa's hand picking them I think.” I said as we tied the mid section, keeping the suit at her waist, “Don't worry, they'll be ready by night fall.”  
“I still don't like this, Raven.” Sinclair added, moving around and picking up one of the transmitters, “So much could go wrong, you're hurt, and you don't even know the people that are meant to be going to protect you.”

Raven gave one of her award winning smirks and took the device from his hand;  
“Don't worry so much, I'm _the_ V.I.P. Nothing's going to happen to me.” She was putting on that confident air, the cockiness and seemingly impenetrable armor, but I could tell she was nervous. Raven may joke, may seem as though she refused to take things too seriously, but she understood perfectly. The mechanic knew just how dangerous her job was, she knew how much we were all depending on her not messing up.

I put my hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently and catching her eyes with my own,  
“You've got this.” I reminded her with absolute certainty, “You're Raven Reyes after all. Just relax and do what you do best.” I let out a surprised puff of air as she tackled me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I hugged her back until she pulled away.  
“Go see what's taking everyone so long, I can't stand around waiting all day, I have a job to do.” She ordered, her voice just a little deeper than usual when she spoke. I smiled before walking away, her pride didn't let her thank me, but I had heard it regardless.

I moved from group to group, checking on the preparations, until I finally got back to Lexa's group. She had forgone the set up of her usual tent because it was too conspicuous. At the moment she was simply standing with Indra, Octavia and four other warriors, talking in hushed tones. I wouldn't have expected Octavia to be there, but I wasn't exactly surprised, she was tenacious.

Lexa saw me first, noticing my approach over the shoulder of one of the warriors. She smiled, but there was something off about it, something I couldn't pin point.  
“Clarke,” she greeted me, a strange but oddly comforting mixture of authoritative Heda and loving Lexa. “This will be Raven's team, some of my best covert warriors.”

I looked around at the warriors, three men and one woman. None were quite like others I had seen. The warriors that fought were always large or clearly had hard, tight muscle. And the scouts were always more slim lined, lithe and quick. But these four lay somewhere in between, and it made me think that maybe this was exactly the kind of thing they had been trained for. The thought made me relax slightly, Raven would be with people that were not only capable of protecting her, but who were used to getting around unnoticed.

I raised a brow to Octavia once I had joined the circle beside Lexa,  
“Tagging along, O?” The girl shrugged, waving a hand at Indra.  
“She promised to train me if I didn't slow her down and managed to live through the night.” I almost laughed, settling for a twitch of my lips when I felt Indra's eyes fall on me.

Instead of looking away, I let my eyes flicker over to meet the severe woman's glare,  
“Indra, I have to ask a favor of you.” I said, carefully forcing my voice to remain steady, concealing the trepidation I felt in my veins. For her part the general raised a questioning eyebrow.  
“What would you have from me, Clarke?” She asked as evenly as she could.  
“Octavia is a good fighter, stubborn and passionate. But she is also my friend... All I want is for her to be alive when all this is over.”

Octavia looked angry once I finished speaking but I ignored her, she'd get over it. It was Indra's reaction that captivated me most of all. I could swear her eyes softened, the purse of her lips loosened. She gave me a curt nod, her hand on her sword as always. Lexa didn't give anyone a chance to revert back to our usual tense standings, dismissing the group with an order to find Raven and prepare to leave as soon as the sun set.

Once they'd walked off in the direction of the mechanic I turned to talk to Lexa, but the Commander was no longer beside me. Taken aback I glanced around me, finding Lexa crouched beside a pile of bags by the trunk of a tree. She had her back to me, seemingly looking for something, though it looked more like busy work to me.

I hesitated for a second beofre slowly approaching her. She tensed when I got near and my stomach dropped, something was wrong. I knelt down beside her and put my hand over hers when she kept rifling through the bags. She looked up at me and gave me that same smile from before.  
“I can not seem to find my maps,” she explained. If I couldn't see her face, I would probably believe that nothing was wrong.

I shook my head and got to my feet again. If she didn't want to tell me what was wrong I wasn't going to push her, but I wouldn't sit by and listen to lies either.  
“I'll go find somewhere else to be.” I told her, wiping my hands on my oants before turning away. She caught my hand before I could take a step though, spinning me back to face her while she straightened up.  
“No.” she whispered, “I am sorry. It is not your fault, Clarke.”  
“I didn't say it was, “ I said with a sad smile, “but it's obvious it's hard for you to have me around right now, so I'm going to go.”  
“It is not that... I just- I see you and can not help but see what I did to you. I do not deserve to enjoy your company...”

I stared at her for a moment. Of course she still felt horrible about that. I took her chin in my hand and raised her forest green eyes to my sky blues.  
“Lexa,” I started, making sure she was listening, “Do you apologize for defeating your enemy on the battlefield?” Her eyes narrowed in confusion but she shook her head. “Are you expected to apologize for defending yourself from assassination attempts?” She frowned and pulled away from my touch, realizing what I was getting at with my line of questioning.  
“Of course not, but this was different, Klark.” She snapped.

I lifted my shoulders in a shrug even though she was turning away to start pacing,  
“Why?” She rounded on me but didn't seem to have an answer so I pressed on. “How is this different than if any other enemy had attacked you?”

“Because it was not another enemy, Klark!” She growled, “It was not an enemy, it was you! And I-”  
“No!” I cut her off before she could keep going, before she could convince herself of something untrue. “No, it was not me that attacked you. I have never attacked you outside of my training. Don't you dare say it was me when it was you and my friends that spent an entire night convincing me otherwise!”

She stood frozen in shock and I could practically see my words turning over in her mind. Her expression softened when she saw the angry tears in my eyes.  
“I did not mean-” she tried to apologize.  
“Of course you didn't, but how else am I supposed to interpret what you're saying?”  
“I did not see it that way, hodness... I did not think.”

She sank to her knees, a single tear falling from the corner of her eye. I stepped forward and sank down in front of her, taking her face between my hands.  
“There is something inside me, Lexa.” my voice was barely above a whisper as I fought to speak around the lump in my throat. “It wants you dead and when I lose control it owns my body. I am locked away in some space, forced to watch as it tries its best to end your life. I fight it so that I don't have to watch my own hands take your life. And I pray every second that I am fighting it, that you will gain the upper hand and put an end to it.”

Lexa lunged forward, wrapping her arms around me and sobbing into my neck. I held her tight but continued all the same.  
“I promise that one day I will figure out how to get it out, I promise that one day it will be just you and me. But until then, you have to keep fighting it because I don't want a world without you in it.”

 

_**Raven Reyes** _

I never used to mind walking. I mean, there isn't many places in the Ark that you can walk, unless you like endless circles that look the same the whole way round. I didn't. Other people saw endless grey halls, but I saw a never ending supply of potential. Every system was built a certain way so that it did a certain thing. But if I was ever allowed, I had the knowledge and ability to turn it into something completely different.

That was why I had loved working on the exterior. Space was just an endless expanse full of innumerable possibilities. There was something so freeing about stepping out of an airlock, about being able to touch that potential.

But ever since I had been shot, it was like that freedom was being taken from me. I could barely walk without help, and not at all without the make-shift brace I had built. I liked to think that I was pretty damn optimistic, but fuck, even I couldn't put a positive spin on this one. Still, I kept going, there was nothing else to do on the ground. You either push on or you curled into a ball and cried... I was never much for curling.

As soon as it had gotten dark the seven of us had set out, not directly for the mountain, but east toward the great big dam right next to it. That angry looking woman had wanted to walk in the damn river, but I had vetoed that idea, pointing out that unless she wanted to carry my crippled ass, we should stick to the treeline. After that she had been even angrier, but so what, she was old enough to learn that you couldn't always get what you wanted.

The hike was short but hard. I called a break once because my brace had locked up, stopping the knee joint from bending. Angry hadn't liked that, muttering something in her language that Octavia said was along the lines of “useless, and “shouldn't be aloowed to do something so important”. You know, just encouraging crap like that.

Just to piss her off a bit more I insisted on checking everyone's packs. Half of us were carrying rocket fuel and gunpowder, while the rest of us were carrying gunpowder and ignition switches. It was the best distribution I could come up with. Not that it mattered if someone with rocket fuel exploded, none of us would be far enough away to survive that, but no one needed to know that.

Once we were walking again I checked the transmitter on my hip to make sure it was still working, giving myself a mental high five because of the flashing green light. So far we hadn't needed to wear our helmets, but we were about to reach the half-mile mark.

I spotted the first camera about five minutes later, facing the river. Despite that it wasn't even another minute before Octavia called out, pointing to the sickly yellow acid rolling quickly toward us. I was impressed with how effectively and efficiently all the grounders put their helmets on, switching on their air tanks just as the acid reached us. I checked them all like the perfectionist I am, but didn't have to fix anyone.

Angry warrior lady called for us all to keep moving once I nodded at her, confirming that we would all survive the rest of the journey. And even though we could barely see anything any more, we eventually made it to the dam where I hobbled up a set of stone teps and through a thick metal door.

All in all, the trip had taken the best part of an hour, probably my fault, though I didn't much care about the inconvenience that caused Angry.

I sank to the floor though, tired and sweaty. Octavia came over and helped my pull my suit off.  
“Thanks, O” I coughed, a little embarrassed that I had even needed her help. She smiled and shrugged, moving away to start collecting everyone's packs.

I unpacked them all, breathing a little easier when I had three distinctly separate piles of materials. Then I finally let myself look around, flicking on a flashlight and ignoring the torch I was being handed. I was happy these people could survive without technology, really I was, but if I had a damn flashlight I was going to use my flashlight. It sent a beam of bluish light through the concrete space.

There were four generators emitting deafening hums, a small panel beside each one that cast a pin prick of light over a set of controls. They were far enough apart that I would have to blow each one up with its own bomb, and the lack of flamable materials meant the bombs would have to practically be sitting inside the damn things. I laughed at my pun before turning back to my piles. It would be a stretch, but I could manage.

I left my honor guard to amuse themselves and started to assemble my explosives. I programmed the timers for five minutes before attatching them to each one. The plan was to set the bombs and then get all the way down the stairs before they blew up, without leaving too much time for things to go horribly wrong. That was the plan anyway.

I finished the last bomb with both arms still intact and passed one to Octavia and two of the warriors, explaining where to put them and how to start the timer. Octavia helped me back into my suit so that we would all be ready for a quick getaway, then I took the final one and limped my way to the closest generator. Crouching down, I pried the control panel free, hearing the sounds of the others doing the same.

I slotted my bomb in among the tangle of wires and pipes, flipping a switch and pressing one of two buttons on the small interface. Raising my head I called out;  
“Everyone ready?” I asked. First Octavia's and then two unfamiliar voices answered me. I smirked, “Good, then lets blow this joint.” I announced, pleased when Octavia at least laughed, and tpressed the final button. The countdown started immediately so I propped the front of the panel back in place and headed for the door.

I was half way there, Octavia right behind me, when I decided that I really hated plans. I mean like, _really_ hated them. I could have handled it if we were caught by the stupid mountain men, that would have been an acceptable mistake... probably because it wouldn't have been my mistake. But what happened rocked my world both literally and metaphorically.

From behind us there was a massive explosion. The first hadn't even really registered before there was a second. Everything around me slowed right down. I knew how explosions worked, and these onse were much too slow to be moving at a normal pace.

I turned to see Octavia's shocked expression, her hand reaching out and wrapping around my arm in a vice grip. As the heat and quaking from the bombs reached us she ran forward, dragging me along beside her. The third bomb went off, the sound starting to reach us now, blowing my ear drums even as shrapnel started to hit us. Octavia didn't even bother with the door, running straight past it, which was probably for the best seeing as a split second later the final bomb exploded.

We went flying forward, chased by concrete, metal and fire. I landed on my left side, knee, hip, shoulder and head impacting hard on the concrete floor. Before I could shake the daze from my head I felt two pairs of arms dragging me to the side of the room, until all three of us were hidden in a small alcove. I understood why once I had recovered enough to sit up, my marvelous failures were still burning and letting off small explosions.

 

_**Clarke Griffin** _

Lexa and I stood on the crest of a hill, looking out at the dam. The acid fog had dissipated some since it's activation about an hour ago and I was starting to get nervous. The grounders experience said that once the Maunon turned it off, they sent out scouting parties to search for survivors that could be easily picked off. Unless the dam blew before those parties got back to the mountain proper, our plan would fall through.

Everyone was ready to move, and move quickly. But this would only work if Raven came through-

My thought was cut off by a large ball of fire that lit up the horizon for a second before it was joined by a second, then a third, and finally a fourth. The entire landscape seemed to shake along with the damn and I couldn't help but hope Raven and the others had gotten far enough away. But of course she had, just like she had completed her task marvelously, she was Raven freaking Reyes after all.

Lexa smiled wickedly as she lifted her torch, lighting the signal fire before turning to the army assembled behind us. She let out a war cry that pierced through the night and as one we marched to the mountain.

 


	29. May We Meet Again

The door was not at all what I expected. Sure, Lexa had said it was a round portal that seemed to open and close automatically. For some reason I had pictured something like the doors on the Ark, held closed by magnets and electricity, maybe a few passcodes. But this was Old world type security.

It was huge, twice as tall as me easily. There were two giant hinges on the left and no visible lock. I could see a manual override however, it required two keys, a numbered code, and the brute strength to spin the rusted wheel positioned at face level. While it was only an educated guess, I also assumed that the thing was about two feet thick and almost as heavy as the mountain itself.

Lexa must have seen the uncertainty in my face because her hand slipping into my hand and she squeezed gently.  
“What is it, Clarke?” she asked gently. I swallowed hard and forced myself to look at her.

She looked every part the avenging angel as the first time I had ever seen her. Her armor, black and silver, gleamed in the moonlight, swirling leaves dancing along the metal. Her red cape hung from her right shoulder, the wind blowing it behind us, framing her and making me think of the superheroes in old comic books. The mask she was wearing was thicker than usual, making it seem like her eyes were floating in the darkness, sending shivers down my spine. And her hair was held back by a number of braids at each side of her head, long curls barely contained.

The Commander was like living legend before me. So wild and strong, so powerful and controlled. It felt as though I shouldn't be able to touch her, like my hand should slip right through her phantom grasp. For longs seconds all I could do was stare at her savage beauty, all thoughts of the mountain banished from my mind.

Then she reached out, caressing my cheek, concern furrowing her brow.  
“Hodness?” she asked. I blinked once, twice, and forced myself to let out a long breath between my teeth. I glanced back at the door before giving Lexa a reassuring smile.  
“Sorry, I'm fine.” I assured her, gently pulling away to search those closest to me for Sinclair.

I spotted him not too far away, his arms crossed as he stared at the door. I couldn't help smile. Of course he was already thinking about it, Raven wouldn't be as fond of him as she was if he couldn't keep up with her. Once I had weaved through the front line, I stopped beside him.  
“Clarke,” he acknowledged as he scrutinized the obstacle before us.  
“Hey there,”  
“What was your plan for getting past that?” He asked as he pointed at the door, his eyes telling me that whatever I had planned was not going to work.

I smiled though, a playful grin that was entirely out of place.  
“I thought we'd knock, ask nicely. Raven suggested blowing up the lock... You know, friendly things like that.” I was pleased to see him smile almost lovingly at the mention of his protege.

“I take it Raven never got to actually see this then?” I answered with a nod.

“Well, an explosion won't do much more than blacken the metal and destroy that control panel there.” He said with a sigh. “That door is definitely reinforced and will have at least one back up locking mechanism. The power is out which gives us a slight advantage, but that does mean the only way in is to disengage the manual lock. With the keys and the right combination all we would have to do is pull it open.”

“But we don't have the keys or the combination.” I told him with a frown.

“I know.” he laughed.

I grumbled, running my hand through my hair, trying and failing to chase away my anger and doubt.  
“So you're saying we aren't getting through.” It wasn't a question...  
“No, I'm saying we aren't getting through this door tonight.” I sighed, looking over my shoulder to where Lexa was waiting, talking in hushed voices with two clan leaders.  
“Thank you anyway, Sinclair.”

There had to be another way, I thought as I walked away. There was always another way. I had to believe that, it was one of the only things that had remained true through this entire experience. Even when everything seemed lost, another opportunity could present itself, would present itself. All these people were here, outside the door of their greatest enemy, waiting for me to get them inside.

I had told them that I could get them in, I had promised. Everything depended on me opening the mountain. If I didn't, they would forget everything I had done. It wouldn't matter that I had crippled the maunon, it wouldn't matter that I had rescued their children, or provided them with a greater understanding of their enemy, it wouldn't matter that I could bring back- The _Rippa's_.

The idea formed in my head faster than I could follow. Words, conversations, people, all flying through my mind in a whirlwind of information. I gasped, falling abruptly to my knees, my hands catching me before I could face plant in the dirt. It was like a flood of images coursing through my brain, all moving too fast for me to take hold of.

I understood nothing and yet it all finally made perfect sense. My eyes were locked open, breathing was too difficult and my muscles were spasming uncontrollably. I thought I would surely pass out, or my mind would implode from the information overload.

But large, strong hands wrapped around my upper arms and pulled me to my feet, and just as quickly as it had all come, everything vanished. I pulled in a ragged breath as a deep voice whispered in my ear;  
“Clarke, you must not appear weak.” Lincoln? He ushered me away, not stopping until we were hidden behind the trunk of a tree.

With surprising gentleness he tipped my chin up, inspecting my eyes for something. He seemed to breathe easier when he didn't find anything, looking over me clinically for any injuries. I took hold of his wrists as my breathing started to even out.  
“I'm not hurt, Lincoln. But thank you.” He smiled and shrugged at me before checking to make sure we weren't followed.  
“Octavia asked me to keep an eye on you.”

I had to stop the bark of laughter that threatened to escape. Of course she did, equal parts concern and revenge. People didn't give that girl nearly enough credit.

“I have to find Lexa.” I breathed after a moment, ducking under Lincolns arm and darting back into the mass of bodies. Before I could get very far at all gunshots rang through the air. Lincoln tackled me to the ground from behind, my arms coming up to cushion my face just in time to avoid losing teeth.

A second later the warrior was on his feet, dragging me behind yet another tree and then drawing a bow from his back. I watched as he knocked an arrow and started to aim for the trees towering over the enterance. He took a steady breath and loosed the projectile, not even waiting to see if it had hit its mark before getting another ready.

Still, there was the never ending echo of cracking gun fire whizzing through the air. There were cries of pain, the thud of bodies hitting the ground, warnings called in both english and trigedasleng. Then the smell hit me, tangy copper, the smell of blood.

I was on my feet in the same heart beat, my pulse racing as adrenaline pumped through my body. My sword sprang forth seemingly of its own accord and I let my body and my instincts guide me as I shot out of the cover of my tree. I heard Lincoln call out and try to follow me, but he was pinned down by enemy fire a split second later.

I jumped over limp bodies, weaved and ducked past a group of archers, leaped off a boulder to land in a crouch on the other side. I was suddenly very thankful for the heavy black trench coat Lexa had forced on me before we left camp, mainly because there was no one currently shooting at me. Peeking over the rock I could see the fight raging on quite some distance away.

From this position I could actually see the line of mountain men, some with sniper rifles, others with the normal sub-machines, all shooting at the mix of Arkers and Grounders. A flash of a red cape sent a momentary wave of relief through me and I forced myself to focus. If these soldiers had gotten out then the _Spirit_ had been right before. There was another way in and out of the mountain, and because it was hidden, it was probably much easier to brake through.

The _Rippa's_... something about the _Rippa's_...

Bracing myself, I stood back up and started toward the mountains soldiers, moving as quickly as I could without being to obvious. When I reached the first man, a sniper, laying flat and obscured in some tall grass, I froze in place for a moment. He was lining up a shot, his finger starting to press against the trigger.

Before I could think too much about it, I took a running step and skidded down beside him, my boot connecting with his elbow. The gun barrel shifted a microsecond before it fired and the man, dressed in his suit, let out a colorful collection of curse words. His head turned to me but my arm was already wrapping around his neck. With my left hand I pulled a thin dagger from the hidden sheath in my boot and pushed it into his neck.

I was instantly revolted, his body going limp in my hold. But I didn't have the luxury to think about what I had done. So I put my dagger back into my boot and moved to the next crouching gunman.

Soon I wasn't the only body moving in and out of the shadows, taking down the maunon one by one. But it seemed useless. I killed one soldier and another appeared in a tree, firing down at me.

A bullet grazed my ribs on the right, blood soaking through both cloth and armor. It stung but I was quickly distracted by that when a wild, almost feral roar tore through the night. I dived into the cover of a cluster of dead bushes to try to regain my barings. When I looked toward the guttural sound my heart dropped. There was a hoard of _Rippa's_ rushing toward the front of the army. They looked half crazed and all blood thirsty.

How had they- the tunnels... The tunnels where the Reapers were always found, where they took their victims. I hit my forehead with my palm. Why hadn't I seen it before? Of course that was where the second door was.

I had gotten into the midst of the enemy using a round-about route, but when I straightened and started running, it was straight for the Grounder army at the other side of the war zone. There was a cry in Trigedasleng that was echoed up and down the line. No arrows flew near me, but the mountain men didn't have the same consideration. Bullets hailed down around me, popping into the ground just as my feet left a spot, showering me with dirt and grass.

There was a buzzing prickle at the base of my skull and I dived to the left, tucking my body into itself and rolling back to my feet to continue my mad dash. I didn't spare a second to wonder why the A.I had wanted me to move, I just did it. I could think about why I survived once I was finished surviving.

I reached the front line just as the _Rippa's_ did, crashing into a particularly large man and bouncing back almost comically. I fell backwards and braced myself for the landing, but instead I was wrapped in a familiar embrace. Strong arms spun me out of the way before a sword flashed in the moonlight, sinking deep into the chest of the _Rippa_.

Lexa pushed the man off her sword with a strong push of her leg before turning to grimace at me. A second man was roaring as he ran up behind her and I drew my sword without thinking. I pulled her to me with my right hand on her shoulder, slipping my sword under her arm so that the _Rippa_ impaled himself, stopping short with his arms outstretched. I yanked the sword free and finished by wrapping my arm around Lexa, allowing a split second to appreciate the fact that she was still alive.

“What are you doing, Klark?” She scolded, pulling back but taking my hand, “You can not run around the battlefield like you are invincible.” I was confused, but I didn't have time to worry about why Lexa had made the comparison.  
“I figured it out, Lex.” I hissed even as she pulled me away from the swing of a nasty looking axe. I cought the next strike on the edge of my own weapon and Lexa used the distraction to dispatch the man. “I can get us in.”

To my utter shock Lexa growled and pushed me roughly up against a tree. I looked into her eyes, becoming aware of the pain and fear swimming in them.  
“No you can not, Klark.” she barked harshly, her fist tangled in the collar of my coat, “I lost track of you, that is the only reason we have remained as long as we have. We have failed, I am going to call a retreat. We will live another day, we will find another way.”

As if it were possible my eyes grew even wider as I searched Lexa's expression. She was giving up, just like that?  
“No, Lexa, please listen. We can still get inside. I can still save our people. Please, you have to trust me.” The fight seemed to leave her, her eyes flickering around us, taking in the carnage.  
“I did trust you, my love.” She smiled sadly, “I will not forget our people, but we can not save them tonight.”

When she let go of my coat it was like she was pulling all the fight from my body. I was tired, so very tiredd I wanted more than anything to follow her. I wanted to let go, to allow her to call the shots. I wanted to go back to that moment by the river, when we were just two careless lovers.

But despite my exhaustion, I knew I had to keep going. There was still that little beacon of hope shining inside me. As much as I wanted to give up, it just wasn't me. There was always another way, and I knew what it was, I was sure of it. And yet, I thought as I looked at the bodies littering the ground, I couldn't ask Lexa to watch more of her people die, not when I had no proof. A crushing weight landed square over my heart as I realized what I had to do.

With one quick order from the Commander, a Grounder raised a horn to his lips and blew two long notes. Within seconds the sound was echoing through the trees and the retreat started. I stayed still as a screeching rang from the other side and the _Rippa's_ pulled away as well.

I felt Lexa's hand slip into mine, trying to pull me along, but I held my ground. She turned to me, seeming to prepare herself for yet another argument, but I merely smiled at her, tears shining in my eyes. I leaned forward and captured her in a soft kiss, my breath catching as I pulled away a few seconds later.

“I have to go get my people.” I managed to choke out, trying my best to memorize her face. I wanted to remember the exact shade of her emerald eyes, the way her lips quirked when she gave me that smile that was just for me, every curve and angle that made up Lexa.  
“There is no way, Klark. Come back to Polis, ai hodness. We wil make a new plan.” I shook my head and gently peeled her hand off of mine, taking a painful step back and instantly wanting to take it back. Hot tears began rolling down my cheeks in earnest and I had to force myself to take a deep breath.  
“No. You have to go Lexa, you were right to call the retreat. But I can't...” I looked back at the door, I was so close... “My people are stuck in there and I know I'm their only chance. Ai gonplei ste nou odon.”

I whispered the last sentence, hoping she would understand, hoping she would know that this is where we had to go our separate ways. I smiled sadly at her, silent tears still carving a path through the nights grime. She gave me the smallest of nods and my heart broke in half. I licked my lips and sheathed my sword, taking one final look at the woman I had fallen so deeply in love with before forcing myself to turn my back on her and walk away.

I heard the whispered farewell like a phantom breath carried on the wind and it was almost enough to shatter my resolve;  
“May we meet again.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, i made myself cry and i try not to do that while I'm writing. Perhaps i am just much too invested in this and I'll be honest, the original plan was to have a massive betrayal between our two girls but in the end i just didn't have the heart to do it... Sorry if it diminishes the story...
> 
> Let me know what you think and thank you to everyone who comments, a little validation goes a long way :P


	30. Whatever It Takes

_**Raven Reyes  
**_ I noticed the concrete dust spreading through the room and cursed Octavia for leaving our helmets at the door to be blown up, Something had gone very wrong down at the end of the line. What pissed me off was that I now had no way to know whether it was my fault or the poor man who was now splattered against a wall. The mental image made me cringe, but I wasn't really in the best place to dwell.

The little pocket-rocket that was Octavia Blake had me and Angry lady sheltered in a small alcove... an alcove that was actually a doorway. Damn, catch up Reyes.

I went to push myself to my feet, reaching for the door handle, but my leg had other plans. I gritted my teeth around the cry of pain that was forced out of me, fire racing up my left side. I had been shot, beaten, and even stabbed since I landed on this cursed planet, but this was like all three at once.

Octavia's head whipped around at the strangled noise, her brow furrowed accusingly.  
“Would you just sit still for a minute, Raven.” she hissed as she crouched down next to me, “You were just blown up, I think you can take a five minute break.” I laughed through my grimace, grudgingly allowing the small warrior to prop me against the door.  
“It was nothing,” I persisted even though I was groaning, “It was more like a warm breeze then a real explosion.”

“What now, Skaikru?” Angry lady spat, gesturing over at the impassable wreckage which had finally settled enough to make out. “Not only did your devices fail and kill three of my best warriors, but now our exit is blocked.”

Now, I like to think that I'm a fairly reasonable person, and sure, I was just blaming myself for the whole 'dam going boom before it was meant to' thing. But who the hell did this bitch think she was?  
“Excuse me?” I asked in disbelief, “I'm the best there is and if something went wrong with the bomb then it was your _precious_ warrior that caused it.” I had to hold back my smirk when the woman took a step closer to me, the task was made easier because Octavia put herself between us.

“Indra, hod op.” she said quickly, her hand pressing against Angry's chest, “Our mission was to get her in and out safely. We can't exactly do that if you kill her.” The woman just stared at me over Octavia's shoulder for a few tense second before turning away with a, surprise-suprise, angry huff.

But Once I was no longer in immediate danger O rounded on me, and if looks could kill...  
“You know, you could try to stay alive, that would be helpful.” I smiled wide at her, fighting off a wave of prickling pain.  
“I have a reputation to maintain.” She looked as though she couldn't decide whether to knock me out or laugh, mission accomplished, now to get out of here. “Help me up, O.”

She scrunched her brow and looked at me as though I had grown a second head. I sighed and pointed to the door I was leaning against over my shoulder.  
“This seems like out best shot of getting out of here,” I explained, very exasperated. I pointed to the wall beside the door, a small panel glowing with blue light was sitting at face level. “I'm good, but if I can't reach the controls even I don't stand a chance.”

She rolled her eyes but crouched down, slinging my right arm over her shoulder and hoisting me painfully to me feet. I hissed but refused any other reaction while she positioned me where I needed to be. It was high time we got out of this dump, I wasn't really in the best mood for hosting the visitors that would be coming before too long.

 

 _ **The forest**_  
The storm that had been threatening to come all day was rolling in. Thunder rumbled overhead mere seconds before the raindrops started falling hard and fast. There were three people picking through the tree's.

Lincoln had been trying to keep his promise to Octavia, was about to let Clarke know he was there, when he had heard someone else close by, someone that was also following the blonde as she moved quickly toward the _Rippa_ tunnels. So he had decided to stay hidden until he could get a better look at this third person.

Whoever it was made a stupid mistake, their foot landed on a dry branch, the resulting crack echoing around the forest. Clarke tensed for a moment, her right hand flicking her sword out of its sheath so that an inch of steel was showing. Then the woman forced herself to relax, continuing her walk.

But Clarke wasn't heading for the tunnels any more. With each step she sped up the smallest bit, she ducked behind every tree she passed, until Lincoln rounded one to find absolutely no sign of her.

He whispered a curse as he spun on the spot, looking for that telling flash of moon-washed gold. He couldn't see Clarke, but his eyes swept over a shadow. It darted away, flying through the trees so quickly Lincoln may have dismissed it were there not the sounds of someone crashing through plants.

With a growl the warrior made chase, putting Clarke out of his mind for the moment; she was smart and able, she could look after herself for now.

 

Who was that following Clarke? Did the Commander get him to follow her? Would he be able to run faster than me?

These were the thoughts rushing through Xander's head as he ran as fast as he could away from the warrior that was definitely right behind him. He jumped over a fallen branch and landed poorly, his ankle rolling and sending him crashing to the ground, a muffled yelp filtering through his mask.

Keiley had been right, he was too small and inexperienced to help anyone.

 

 _ **Clarke Griffin**_  
I didn't have time to worry about the noises. I had paid attention long enough to realize that the two people following me had gone after each other instead, I would worry about the winner when they came back for me. I doubled back until I was back on track to the cave system.

It had taken a bit of digging, but I had managed to access the very surface of the A.I's information. There was that all to familiar prickling buzz at the base of my skull, but I figured the discomfort was worth it if I could get into the mountain. Right now all I could see were maps, the forest, the caves... Mount Whether. As long as I stayed focused, I could see.

Later I would think about what that meant. Later I would try to process how I felt about everything that had happened in the past few weeks. Once my friends were safe, once I had a chance to breathe. I would check on them, then I would talk to my mother... then I would find Lexa...

The cave entrance wasn't hidden at all, why would you hide something when everyone that knew about it was far too scared to go inside? Standing in front of it, I understood that fear. It was a large curved hole, the space within pitch black in the middle of the night. The sounds of screams, grunts, cracking, clanging, scraping, all echoing into the forest and crawling down my back.

Drawing my sword, I rolled my shoulders and forced a series of deep breaths. Then, refusing to look back, I stepped forward and let the darkness wrap around me, welcoming the shadows.

 

I stepped back, the sickening sound of metal slicing through muscle followed me as my sword slid free of the _Rippa's_ gut. He crumpled to the floor next to a female who was still bleeding from her neck where she lay. Crouching down, I wiped the blood from my blade using the mans pants.  
“Yu gonplei ste odon.” I mumbled before straightening and continuing to the end of the hall, branching right at the fork.

I had been in here for the better part of two hours but I knew I was close; small yellow lights had started appearing at regular intervals, the floors were less rocky, more frequently traveled. The map wasn't as accurate as I had hoped it would be so I had resorted to guessing. Not the most effective method, but it was working surprisingly well. Another right and a left had me halting mid-stride.

I'd found it.

The short hall ended in a set of doors not dissimilar to those on the Ark. The lock was engaged, made apparent by the angry red light glowing solidly on the control panel. There was a small round window on each door that showed me another set of doors on the other side. It made sense that it was set up like an air-lock, they needed to keep the radiation out.

I walked past a large cart positioned under a metal shoot, running my hands along the door's seams. What had Kane said about these doors opening, something about the electromagnet? I could always just tear out the wiring, but this door was still connected to a computer system inside the mountain, there would have to be layers of fail safes.

All this way and I was stopped by a door? I shook my head, stepping back, looking for something, anything... There has to be a way in. I had beaten all the odds to find this door, walked away from the person that meant the most to me, left my own mother behind. I didn't even know if she was still alive...

I screamed, lunging forward and beating on the door with my fists. I wanted to tear it down with my bare hands, I wanted every person in that stupid mountain to pay for killing my people, for kidnapping anyone who was left standing. I wanted justice. I wanted vengeance. I wanted revenge. I just wanted them back

Breathing heavily around the dry sobs wracking my chest, I slid to the ground. They were my responsibility, willing to die for me in a fight we had no hope of winning and I just wanted them back.

There was a deafening rattle and clanging from above me and out of instinct my eyes shot up, just in time to watch a limp body come tumbling out of the shoot. It landed in the cart with a dull thud and I jumped to my feet, rushing to look over the edge.

I gasped in genuine shock when I saw what was inside; three bodies, all unbelievably pale, all very much dead. Lexa's words came back to me; “The lucky one's we find eventually, completely drained of blood.”

They used the shoot to dispose of the bodies... The mountain men drained the grounders of their blood and then threw them down a trash shoot? My body went cold as my outrage washed over me. Before this moment on Lexa had ever caused the ice to scream through my veins. And maybe it was because of Lexa that it made me so angry to see this injustice; these were her people and they deserved so much better than what they had gotten.

How did a human being throw out another like they were nothing more than an inconvenient piece of garbage? What made these Mountain men any more deserving then the Grounders? And why hadn't any of my people shown up in the same condition? What the hell was happening inside that mountain?

I looked up at the metal shoot, an idea forming in my head. My head turned to the sealed door, then back the way I had come, I rubbed at my chest. Then, hoisting myself up onto the edge of the cart I reached for the bottom of the metal shoot. It was a stretch but I got a good hold, taking a deep breath before tensing my arms and pulling myself up, curling my legs up until my boots were planted firmly against the shoot wall.

A quick bit of creative maneuvering and I was completely inside, my shoulders pressed on the cold metal. It was awkward and my muscles, no matter their recent development, were protesting quite tenaciously. I allowed myself a few second to catch my breath and then I started my long, impossible shimmy up a slippery metal shaft.

I'll admit, it wasn't my best plan and at any moment I could fall to my death, but I had reached the point of desperation. I was going to save my people or I was going to die trying.

 

I whimpered as my fingers hooked onto the ledge, the sweat covering my body making it more than difficult to pull myself up. My arms were shaking, every muscle had been pushed past its limit and all I could do was hang there, fighting off the tears. I slipped, my feet scrabbling against the metal wall until I tightening the grip my fingers had and forced myself to calm down.

Lexa, my beautiful Lexa... if I died here, she would never know what happened to me. She would start looking and never stop, I couldn't let that happen.

So with one last ditch effort I grit my teeth, screaming through them as I pulled myself up. It was slow and agonizing, but finally I kicked off one last time and rolled onto a metal floor. Hysteric sobs and laughs shook my body, my red hands laying limp by my sides.

I had never wanted to sleep more than I did right then. It would be so easy to close my eyes and let sleep take me... so easy. Instead I rolled to my feet, if with slow, painful movements. I had to see this through.

Thankfully, the door I now faced was nothing more than a large metal door. I turned the handle and leaned against it, resting my head against the cool metal as I pushed. When it was open just enough I slipped through the gap and pushed it closed again, looking frantically around to see if there was anyone to catch me.

What I found was much worse.

Cages. Wall upon wall of cages. A massive, cavernous space just filled with cages. And in nearly every single one was a balled up grounder, recognizable by tattoos, scars and piercings. I spun away from the sight, dry heaving because of my empty stomach. My head spun, I couldn't even process what I was seeing. These weren't animals, they were people. They were people...

I forced myself over to the closest cage, speaking in Trigedasleng so that the woman inside would understand me.

“Are you alright?” I asked softly, still not quite capable of fathoming the situation. She looked at me in utter shock before answering.  
“Who are you? Open the doors.” I closed my eyes and took a breath.  
“I am Clarke of the sky people. I have come to free you all.”

The inquisitive look in her eyes morphed to hatred so quickly that I barely registered it before she hissed at me, speaking in English now.  
“Leave Skaikru! We would rather die than accept your help”

I pursed my lips but didn't leave. It didn't matter what she thought of me, I would get her out anyway.  
“Look, just tell me one thing.”  
“What?”  
“My people... Are any of them in here?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing much of anything happens in this update. i'm sorry for that but i needed to get Clarke into the mountain and set up for future chapters.  
> I promise that i will spend the next few days coming up with an awesome jail-break... i hope it'll be good anyways


	31. I'm All My People Have

My conversation with the grounder woman was short. I told her we were on the same side, she refused to believe me, but she did say she hadn't seen any Skaikru scum being brought in. After a final look around and a promise to come back for them all as soon as I could, I started making my way down the aisle, finding another metal door at the end.

There was some kind of scientific station set up right in front of the door, wires and tubing running through a machine and up into the ceiling. And hanging in the middle of this mess was a man, unconscious and upside down. Dark red blood was flowing out of his body, being sucked through the tubing. I wanted to dry heave yet again but forced the feeling down.

I inched closer to him, reaching out and almost recoiling at the feel of his icy skin. He was still alive, the faint beeping from a nearby monitor confirmed that, but he was so close to death that he was past saving.

Looking up, I followed the chains that he was hanging from, eventually finding a pulley system. I knew it was dangerous, stupid even, there was no way someone wouldn't notice what I was about to do, but I did it anyway. Two steps and a push of a button and the man was being lowered to the floor, once he was laying flat, I went back and knelt by his side.

Brushing his long hair from his face, I could see his glassy eyes, unseeing and yet wide open. No one deserved this kind of death. Pulling the thin dagger from my left boot I bent over him.  
“I'm sorry this happened.” I whispered into his ear, positioning my blade at his neck, “Yu gonplei ste odon.” Then, with one decisive thrust, I severed both his artery and his spinal cord.

I was really getting sick of saying those words. I was sick of having to kill. I was sick of death being an every day occurrence. And yet how many times had I been the one to deliver that fate? Could I ever save enough people to make up for those lives I had destroyed? Whether it was possible or not, I knew now was not the time to think about it.

Tucking my dagger back in its hidden sheath I struggled back to my feet. If I was going to be any use, I would have to rest for an hour or two, but to do that I had to get somewhere safe.

I turned back to the lab equipment, looking over the machines, hoping for any information I could glean. To me, they just looked like machines, but hanging on the wall was a clipboard with a log. It had a subject code; just a bunch of numbers that were indecipherable, and then quantity and duration columns. But the only piece of information that helped me was the title on the sheet; ' _Level Four- Life Support 401 Treatment Harvest Log_ '.

My head spun as I stepped away, meaning to go for the door, and I stumbled into the wall instead. I really needed to sleep... and maybe eat something, as unappealing as that was. 'Okay Clarke,' I thought to myself, trying to organize my thoughts, 'don't be seen, find a map if you can, but the priority is finding somewhere to curl up'. I took two deep breaths and then slipped through the door.

I wasn't really expecting what I found, though I couldn't say what exactly I did expect. All I know is that it wasn't an air and water farm. I recognized the same kind of systems that we had on the Ark, all humming and clanging just the way I remembered. After the relative quite I had experienced on the ground, it was a little disorienting at first, especially when paired with the bright fluorescent lights.

I shook myself out of the daze and rushed through the various tanks and filters. Once I reached a hallway there were two options; an elevator or the staircase behind a door that warned me i could be exposing myself to radiation if i used it. Ever the rebel, and sure it was the least conspicuous route, I chose the stairs.

I slowed when I saw the key-card lock, but before I could worry about what that meant, the door started to open. I couldn't decide whether I was really unlucky or unbelievably fortunate. Kneeling, I tugged my left dagger free and cocked my arm, my muscles tensed as they waited to release. When the woman came into view, her eyes locking with mine, I let loose. My blade flew true, hitting her right in the heart, sinking through a lab coat.

Red blossomed hauntingly as she sank to her knees, staring at me in shock. With her last breath she coughed a red splatter across the concrete floor in front of her, the image forever burned into my mind.

But there wasn't time to dwell, there wasn't time to grasp what I had just done, because there was a soldier right behind her. He was too stunned to do anything but stare when I first noticed him, but he recovered quickly, going for his side arm. I was tired and slower then usual as I rose to my feet, my second dagger at the ready. He managed to aim and shoot.

The burn spread along my right arm and I had to grit my teeth around my growl of pain. But I didn't let him fire a second time, letting my body move the way it wanted to as I lunged forward. I knocked his arm aside before slamming my palm into his chest. He fell back, hitting the wall on the other side of the small landing and crumpling onto the floor. My foot came down hard on his wrist and he let go of the gun. Then my knee connected solidly with his nose and his head collided with the wall, knocking him out cold.

I caught myself the split second before my dagger could run along his throat, breathing heavily and disturbed at what I had been about to do. I jumped back, nearly tripping over the woman in the doorway. Survive, I reminded myself, survive now and worry about how later.

There was no choice but to take the time to hide them. The woman I dragged behind one of the large air filtration units, my arms and legs screaming at me the entire time. But the real struggle was pulling the soldier out of sight and propping his back against a pole. I used his cuffs to keep him there, locking his wrists behind his back, and then I gagged him with a torn strip of his own shirt for good measure.

When I was done both my side and now my arm were bleeding, my energy gone. I took the soldiers key-card, figuring he'd have better access than a doctor or scientist, and after a moments thought, his radio too. Then I went back to the stairs and started my descent. I didn't know where my friends were, but I would start at the bottom and work my way up.

 

The next door opened onto a crowded room. In the brief glimpse I got, I saw tables and chairs, could smell food, hear music... On the floor after that I found an empty hall. In fact, only the emergency lights were on and I couldn't hear any people. A directory was plastered to the wall beside the door, not as good as a map, but better than nothing.

Level four was conspicuously missing, but it did tell me I was going in the right direction. The fifth and sixth floors were for the general population, but the seventh level held the control center. If I could get in there I could find where my people were being held. But there was bound to be some hidden corner on this level where it would be safe to close my eyes for a few minutes.

That was how I got to the other side of level six, hiding in a storage closet. I sat in the corner, my sword across my lap, the radio turned down low and resting by my knee. There were rations and blankets around me, a few lanterns and flashlights, things you would need in a crisis.

I had swallowed a couple of protein bars the moment I saw them, also breaking open a bottle of water and draining it in one go. The radio chatter was talking about restoring power to levels two, three and six, collecting provisions for the night, guarding the doors... I listened as I drifted off into a light sleep.

 

I don't know how long it was before the door to the storage room swung open, but my eyes snapped open the second it did. Someone dressed in a hazmat suit and carrying a flashlight, was standing in the doorway. They shone their light on the shelves, stopping when it landed on the box of protein bars. I watched as the person pressed a button on the radio hanging from their hip.  
“Yeah, I found some,” a woman's voice said, “I can handle it, we just need the meds now.”

I put my feet flat on the floor, pressing my sword hard against my clothing so that it wouldn't make a sound, and took my back off the wall as I rose to my feet. The movement was slow and calculated, but most of all, quiet. The woman stepped into the room, heading straight for the food. I held my breath as she got closer, my eyes on her radio. One more step and I would have to choose what I was going to do; kill her before she could call for help, or take her radio off her and hope she was useful.

Sliding forward, my hand closed around the small black box just as she realized I was there. I yanked the radio away, throwing it behind me as the woman spun around to face me. She gasped and I wished I could hold my hand over her mouth without killing her. I flicked my sword up, resting the blade, not against her throat, but on the tube giving her clean air.

“Please be quiet.” I rasped through a sore throat. I was pushing my body too far and it was starting to show, yet another problem I would worry about later. The woman in front of me swallowed hard, but gave a nod of her head.  
“I'm looking for some kids that were brought here,” I explained carefully, “I was already in your warehouse of caged humans and they weren't in there, so do you know where they are?” I could only just make out her face by the light she still held, but her frightened expression changed to cautious curiosity.  
“Wait,” she started, “Are you Clarke?”

 

The emergency lights were still throwing a red hue over the entire scene as we rushed down hall after hall. The young woman, Maya as she had introduced herself, had explained that she had befriended my friends when they first arrived. I was confused, no, I was more than confused. But before I could ask questions, she was tugging me out of the storage room and flying through level six.

“I don't know where they all are.” she huffed as we rounded a corner, “They started disappearing a week ago, I could only hide Jasper, Monty and Harper before...” I wasn't prepared for the relief that news brought me, fumbling a step before finding my stride again.  
“C-can you take me to them?” I asked, forcing my voice to stay even.  
“No, I can't.” Maya answered, holding her arm out to stop me before poking her head around a doorway. “I don't know where they are now, though they said something about the President...”

She ushered me through and then took a sharp right, unlocking a door and pushing me inside.  
“Then where the hell are we going?” I growled.

She didn't answer me, she didn't have to. I looked up to find that we were in a small living quarters, one that hadn't been used in a bit. There was a fine layer of dust over everything. A kitchen was to the left, small but functional. Behind that was a door that hung open, showing a bathroom sink and a mirror hanging on the wall. On the right were two more doors, presumably leading to bedrooms.

But what caught my eye was the only part of the entire space that had been disturbed. The living room was not at all appealing before; mustard yellow sofa, two dusty brown armchairs and a low wooden table that had the most revolting murky green paint peeling off it. But now there was a bowl of water tinted red sitting on that table, bloody cloth heaped in a pile on the floor, and a very disgruntled looking grounder general trying to prop herself up on the ratty sofa.

My eyes opened wide and I was across the room in a second. Indra let out a huff but I ignored her as I pulled her hand away from her mid section. The bandage that had been wrapped around her stomach was already soaked through with blood. I peeled it away and found a bullet wound in her left, slowly seeping blood.

With one hand bracing the warrior I slid the other under her as gently as I could, relieved when I found an exit wound. At least there was no bullet to dig out, and I couldn't be sure, but seeing as the wound was already clotting, I was going to assume the bullet didn't hit anything vital. I let out a breath that I hadn't been aware I was holding, she would live.

Indra seemed to see as much in my face because she nodded, steely determination washing over her features.  
“Your people, Octavia and the mechanic, went on without me when the attack didn't happen.” she groaned as I wrapped her tight with clean strips of cloth that Maya handed me. “We must find them and then escape before we are discovered.”

I didn't meet her eyes as I tied the bandage off, rising to my feet and wiping the worst of the blood off my hands.  
“I'm not leaving, Indra.” I calmly stated, running a hand through my hair. “There is a way out on the fourth floor, that's also where your people are being held. You should go, let them out, go back to Lexa.”

As I spoke, Indra sat up and slowly pushed herself to her feet, cocking her head and studying me as though seeing me for the first time. I met her gaze with mine, unwavering.  
“Your job was to blow their main power, you did that. But my job was to get my people out of this mountain and I'm not leaving until I do.”  
“It is suicide.” She said, matter of fact.  
“Maybe.”  
“Do you have a plan?” Sh grunted as she lifted her weapons belt off the back of an armchair, fitting it around her waist.

Did I have a plan? I wanted to get down to the control center, but I was no computer whiz, I only had a basic understanding of what I wanted to do. Unless... unless I could find Monty, or even Raven. It was a long shot, but so far those had worked for me...

“The control center, I'll be able to use their camera's to find where they're keeping my people.” I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince Indra or myself, but either way it didn't really work.  
“And if you can get into this control center and work out where the Skaikru are being held?” she asked bluntly, “What then? You are a good fighter, but you are not good enough to take on an entire mountain full of soldiers.”

“What do you want from me, Indra?” I asked angrily, throwing my arms up, “I don't have all the answers, okay. Is that what you want to hear? I'm not fit to lead and my poorly thought out plans are proof of that. But I'm here. I am all my people have. And I will keep making stupid plans, keep pushing, keep fighting, until they are safely out of this god damn mountain!”

Maya had the decency to be taken aback by my outburst, but Indra just stared me down.  
“I was going to say,” every word was punctuated clearly, “that it would be best if I came with you.”

 

Ten minutes later Indra and I were descending the stairs to the seventh level. Maya had offered to go to the fourth floor to start guiding the grounders down the shoot. A move I thought was either entirely stupid or unbelievably brave. When I asked her why she wanted to help, she answered that it was the right thing to do and she was sick of being wrong. Who was i to deny her the chance to clear her conscience?

When we slipped through the door at the bottom of the staircase we found ourselves in a pristine hallway. It wasn't like the concrete tunnels on the other levels. The walls looked to be plastered and painted charcoal gray, helping the blue and yellow symbol of the President to stand out where it was painted at regular intervals. The bright lights were still on and there was the unmistakable sound of air circulating through the vents. Even so, there were still no people around, which was good because the walls facing the hall for nearly every room, were made of glass.

Indra drew her sword as we crept along. The radio was buzzing with the muffled sound of voices so I pulled the woman to a stop before turning the volume back up.  
“...I count two, one armed...” a man's voice shouted.  
“...Confirmed,” A woman said a moment later, “One armed, the other seems injured...”

I shared a quick look with Indra, both of us knowing exactly who the mountain men were after. The general moved closer, listening as the soldiers yelled over the radio.  
“...box them in...” there was a rumble over our heads, some dust shaking down from the roof of the corridor.  
“...bitch threw a grenade or something...” I almost laughed at that, but settled for a proud smile. It was gone a moment later though when we heard what came next.  
“...Got them both... I repeat, hostiles contained...”  
“...Copy that, take them up to the labs with the rest of them...”

I closed my eyes, forcing a deep breath. Raven and Octavia had been caught. I threw one longing look at the way we had come, wishing that I could go to them, that I could check every lab in this cursed mountain until I found them. But the best move I could make was still taking the control room. I clipped the radio back onto my belt and turned to continue down the hall.

“Freeze!” A scared voice shouted. My head snapped up and I saw a guard standing outside a door, blinking control pad to the right of it and a plaque over that, 'Control Center' printed clearly on the metal. He barely looked eighteen, scrawny and wearing an ill-fitting uniform. His gun shook in his hand and I doubted he would hit me even if he could muster the courage to shoot.

Still, I slowly raised my hands into the air, palms forward, sighing loudly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, the delay was entirely my fault.... i was procrastinating. So i hope this is at least okay.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


	32. Countdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the finale. Took me three days to write and I'm still not entirely happy with it. But being at a loss with how to improve it, i decided to post it.

I took one slow step forward, barely lifting my foot off the ground. The kid flicked his gun nervously.  
“S-stay where you are!” He yelled, his voice breaking on the last syllable, “I – I'll shoot, I s-swear I will!” Just what I needed, a jumpy rookie soldier.  
“Look,” I made my voice calm and soothing, “We don't want to hurt you, I just want to find out where my friends are.”  
“I said to stay still!” he yelped when Indra twitched beside me, growing impatient.

Once we had both stopped moving again, his hand started to reach for his belt where his radio was clipped. Indra reacted first; darting around me and rushing the boy, slamming him against the wall. She took hold of his right wrist and pounded it on the wall twice before the gun clattered to the floor.

I was about to suggest tying him up when she slipped a knife from her vambrace and slit his throat. My eyes opened wide as she released him and he slid slowly to the floor, his hand over his neck as though that would stop the blood flowing freely through his fingers. I was frozen in place, forced to watch as his life slipped away, his eyes glazing over.

Too much death... Too much unnecessary death.

The warrior turned to look at me and I gave a slow blink, channeling Lexa as I forced a strong facade. Stepping forward and closing the distance, I picked up the soldiers gun, checking it over before tucking it into my waist band under my coat. It was cold and uncomfortable against my skin. The second I put it there I wanted to throw it away, but I might need it before this nightmare of a day was over.

Then I pulled the soldier's key-card out and unlocked the door to the control room. What I found was just about the last thing I ever would have imagined.

It was a pretty small room seeing as it was supposed to control the entire mountain base. Two entire walls were stacked to the ceiling with some kind of computing equipment. The third wall was devoted solely to monitors, all of them alight with either programs, files, or camera footage. And there were four rows of computer stations, a desktop and office chair at each one.

But the main attraction were the people crowded into the relatively small space. Four soldiers; all with side arms pointed at me and Indra, two men I didn't know; one old and withered the other young and holding a gun. Then kneeling on the floor, were Jasper and Monty, both a bit battered and bruised but otherwise okay. The gun of the unknown man was pressed right against Jasper's temple but he was just scowling defiantly.

I wanted to roll my eyes almost as much as I wanted to race forward and impale this dark haired, smug looking man. He gave me a greasy smile, nudging Jasper with the gun.  
“Why don't you both put your weapons on the floor and kick them over to my men?” He sneered with a sly grin. I had to fight down the bile rising in my throat as I flicked my sword up an inch before slowly drawing it. Everyone in the room tensed as both Indra and I knelt down, carefully putting our swords on the floor.  
“This is why you do not go alone into enemy territory, SkaiPrisa.” Indra whispered and I could swear she was amused.

I smiled with my head bowed, my hands going to my boots as I started to straighten up. I was halfway when my left hand shot out, my dagger flying forward. I had aimed for the smug man's chest, but the throw was off and he moved at the last second, so it only sliced a line along his jaw. Still, the move was enough for pandemonium to erupt around the room.

Once I let my first dagger fly, I rolled to my left, kicking out at the legs of one soldier before he could react. Indra had gone in the opposite direction, sword in hand, and had already killed one man. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper leap to his feet, his hands cuffed behind his back, and tackle the first guy. Both of them went crashing back into a work station and I lost sight of them.

The man I had knocked down had spun around, trying to claw his way back to the gun that had fallen from his grip. I brought my right hand down, the blade of my dagger sliding easily into his thigh and causing him to cry out in pain. He stopped trying to crawl away and instead looked at me with a special kind of hatred.

I pulled my dagger free and started to stand from my crouch. The soldier was snarling at me and before I could move away or attack again, he had grabbed my ankle, yanking sharply and sending me crashing to my back. The wind was knocked out of me and white spots danced across my vision when my head hit the ground. I managed to groan just as the man climbed on top of me.

My right arm shot out with my dagger, but I was still dazed and the action lacked any strength. He twisted my wrist until I growled and the weapon dropped to the floor. His arm pulled back and his fist shot toward my face. I only just managed to catch it in my left, my muscles quickly threatening to give way. The man pulled his fist free and this time it did collide with my jaw. I tasted blood in my mouth instantly, pain blossoming up my jaw and into my head.

But then there was a loud shout and suddenly the man's weight was no longer holding me down. I rolled to my feet, spotting my dagger and sword laying less than a foot away. I grabbed them both and turned to face the soldier. Monty was now beneth him, the man already beating him. I stepped forward, pressing my sword against the soldiers spine, just long enough so that he would know that he was going to die.

The metal pushed through fabric, flesh and bone, piercing through his chest. I twisted the blade and then ripped it free, pausing only to kick the dying man off my friend before turning back to the room.

Jasper was in a heap on the floor, the old man was sitting patiently in a chair at the back of the room, and the younger man was no where to be seen. By the looks of it, Indra had killed her second soldier and moved to take out the third. But somehow he had over-powered her.

They stood next to the old man, the soldier had his arm around Indra's neck and was holding his gun to her head. Looking her over I could see a new bullet wound in her shoulder... how had I not heard the gun shot?

I was breathing heavily, my head throbbing, my mind racing as I tried to think my way through the problem. The desperate soldier caught my eyes before his gaze flickered around the room.  
“Put your weapons down, let me and the President leave, and I won't kill your friend here.” He huffed, sounding about as out of breath as I felt. I thought about it for a second before throwing both blades to the floor at either side of me.  
“Just so you know,” I said, showing him a gruesomely bloody smile, “She's not my friend.”

I know I'm not the best shot, but I like to think I'm good enough. At least that's what I told myself as I reached under my coat and pulled out the heavy gun. The soldier saw it as I aimed it over Indra's shoulder and started to turn his own firearm toward me. But before he could shoot, my finger had already pulled the trigger.

He flew backwards, breaking one of the screens that was closest to the ground as he fell into it. Indra had spun away from him right as my gun had fired and now went to check on the soldier.  
“Dead.” She confirmed, barely shaken by the past few minutes. She turned to me then, he scrutinizing gaze making me feel self-conscious. “Thank you.” It sounded as though the words were unfamiliar to her and it made me laugh a little.

I turned to Monty, finding a set of keys on the dead soldiers belt and unlocking the cuffs around his wrists. The old man was just watching us carefully, making no move against us, and while it had me on edge, I was willing to take a break. I freed Jasper too, trying to pull him to his feet and check him over, but he scrambled to his feet, collecting one of the abandoned guns, and rocketed from the room.

Monty and I both called after him, Monty started to chase him, but I grabbed his arm pulling him to a stop.  
“Monty, it's not safe.” I tried to reason. He looked after Jasper's retreating form.  
“He's going to do something stupid, he's going to get himself killed.”  
“I know, but the best way to stop that from happening is to end this whole thing, and I need your help to do that.”

He looked torn and I knew that feeling all to well, when your heart is pulling you in two directions and there is no right or wrong choice. It is painful to choose just one path, but it has to be done.  
“Please Monty, you're the only one that can, Raven has already been caught.” When he looked at me, tears in his eyes, I was sure he'd pull away and chase his best friend after all. Instead he nodded, walking back into the control room and sitting behind a desk.

Apparently, waiting is not one of Indra's strong suits. While I had been with Monty, the general had taken it upon herself to tie the old man to his seat and start an interrogation. I commended her initiative, but given the easy smile on his face, intimidation was not going to work.

I was so tired, I thought as I rubbed at the back of my neck, trying to relieve a tiny bit of tension. My fingers grazed over my scar and there was a sharp tug in the center of my chest. It was quickly overwhelmed with warmth as I thought of Lexa. She would be so much better at this, she was a good leader, she was a strong leader. Lexa didn't let the exhaustion or the weight of those she killed, hit her until her job was done. At least that's what she said, what she taught.

I reminded myself that I was almost done, I had climbed the metaphorical mountain and now I just had to survive the descent.

“Your soldier called you the President,” I started, taking a step closer to the old man and Indra. The warrior steped back to let me talk to him, but seemed ready to cut his throat at the slightest provocation. “Does that mean you're in charge?”

He studied me for a minute, as though deciding whether or not it was in his best interest to answer my question. I met his gaze, making sure to keep my face as blank as I could.  
“Yes, the citizens of Mount Whether are my people.” he answered carefully. I raised an eyebrow, the subtle misdirection not lost on me.  
“Do you know where my friends are being held?” I decided to keep pressing while he was speaking. He sighed and looked genuinely unhappy.  
“I don't. I was in the process of searching for them when your covert team took out the power.”

I took two steps so that I was right in front of the white-haired man, leaning down and putting my weight on the arms of his chair so that our faces were mere inches apart.  
“Let me make something clear to you, Mr President,” I growled in barely contained rage, my voice low and surprisingly menacing, “I want only one thing. I want _my_ people. I have had very little sleep, muscles I didn't even know existed are burning from over-use, and I am ready to do just about anything to get _my_ people out of here safely. So from where I am standing, you are one of two things; you're either able to help me; or you're in my way.”

I didn't expect him to react to the thinly veiled threat, I wouldn't have. But that wasn't the point. I could see him thinking, see the different possibilities swirling through his head as we continued staring into each others eyes.  
“My son has been experimenting on the children.” He said, his voice carefully even, “He believes their bone marrow will allow us to walk on the surface once more. But the children were being harvested, dying, so I ordered those involved to stop... He didn't.”

My head was suddenly light, my vision blurring for a second as I tried to process what I'd just heard. Before I could muster a coherent thought though, I heard Monty's voice from behind me.  
“Ah, Clarke?” he said, pointing at the monitors on the wall. “We have a problem.”

I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be looking, nothing standing out at first glance.  
“Did you find them?” I asked as I turned to him.  
“Well, yes.” He pointed to camera footage in the top right corner of the screens.

It was a room carved of stone instead of built out of metal. There was a row of cages, exactly like those the grounders had been locked in, each housing one of my friends. Every one of them looked sick and frail. And then there were the few attached to the wall by manacles, not yet carrying the bloodshot and haunted eyes of those in the cages, still able to hold themselves up. Octavia was yanking at her bindings as though she could pull them from the wall and Raven was shouting at a woman in the middle of the room.

This woman, obviously some kind of doctor or scientist, was weilding a drill. Beside her was a metal operating table, Harper strapped down securely on top of it. Even as I watched, the doctor started drilling into Harper's hip. The door opened and the man that had escaped the control room waltzed in, two soldiers dragging an unconscious Jasper in after him.

“Where is that, Monty?” I hissed, my fists clenched by my sides. Monty swallowed before answering.  
“Second floor, a small section that isn't on the maps, just off the stairs.” I started toward the door when he spoke again, “That wasn't the problem, Clarke.”

I froze mid stride and looked over my shoulder. Monty pressed a few key and a large red countdown lit up on the center monitor, ticking down from 10:47. My eyes narrowed as I turned back, coming up behind Monty who had started typing furiously again.  
“What the hell is it, Monty?” I asked, a little shell shocked.  
“A countdown for a missile.” he sighed.  
“A missile?” I glared at the President whose shoulders had slumped when he saw the countdown. “Where's it aimed?”

Another flurry of keys and a map appeared in place of the countdown, the target highlighted in red font. The latitude and longitude where unmistakable, even if I hadn't been able to make out the satellite image of Polis.

The fear and panic that gripped me as the realization hit was more intense than anything else I had felt in the past twenty four hours. It was even worse then when the A.I had flooded my mind. There was a cold vice grip on my heart which was plummeting into my stomach. I couldn't get enough air and my mind couldn't form a thought. All I new was this unprecedented terror, my body floating, nothing there to ground me.

As though in slow motion, my head turned until my eyes met the President's. He stared back at me with... sorrow? Like a rubber band snapping, the world came back into focus, my thoughts spinning and crashing as I walked around the desk and grabbed the old man by the scruff of his shirt.  
“How do I stop it.” Each word was a punctuated hiss. He held my gaze and had the audacity to let his eyes well with tears.

“You can't.” he whispered. For some reason I believed him. I dropped my hold and stumbled back, a rattling wheeze coming from me as I fought the panic threatening to overwhelm me. No, there had to be a way, there was always another way.  
“I am sorry, Clarke. Only my son has the codes, and the missile would still have to go somewhere, it has already been activated.”

Now it was Monty that looked up and questioned the man.  
“What do you mean? If I can hack the codes then I should be able to shut the whole thing down.” The President shook his head.  
“No, rather foolishly, the missiles are designed so that once they are activated they can only be shut off manually. It was supposed to protect against this very situation.”

I looked from the President to Monty, the countdown behind me reaching 9:32.  
“What the hell does that mean?” I asked Monty who had already resumed his rapid typing.  
“It means that if I manage to stop the missile from launching, and that's a big if, it will still go boom a few seconds after the countdown finishes.”  
“Can't you, I don't know, send it to a different location?” I offered rather unhelpfully as I rejoined him on his side of the desk.  
“Theoretically? Yes. In reality, not so much.”  
“Why not?” I wasn't an engineering genius, I couldn't work a computer like Monty, but I needed to know what I was up against.  
“I'm not that fast a typist, there isn't time to write the right code it would take to redirect the missile.”

It was then that Indra spoke up.  
“We are wasting time.” She pointed out. “If our best option is to blow up this forsaken mountain then we have to get Skaikru out of here before it does.” She was right of course. I didn't want to be responsible for the deaths of innocent people like Maya, but my people had to come first.

I took a deep breath before nodding to Indra. The woman flew out the door faster than she should have been able given her injuries, but I trusted she would get to the second floor in time.  
“Do it,” I told Monty who sped up his typing yet again. “Buy as much time as you can between the end of the countdown and the explosion.”  
“The best I can do is maybe a minute.” he mumbled, completely focused on his work.

I would take it. I left him to it and went back to the President, unclipping my radio as I went. Indra was one woman running head first into a room of five hostile people, she needed a distraction.  
“This man,” I said pointing to the screen, “He's your son?” The President only glanced up for a second.  
“Yes, Cage...” The man was resigned and it made me hesitate, but only for a second. I didn't have the luxury of remorse or mercy, these people had seen to that.

I stepped back, watching the screen in the top right as I pressed the button on the radio and spoke into the speaker.  
“Attention Mount Whether Security Detail.” I said, mustering all the confidence I had left, “My name is Clarke Griffin and I would like for one of you up on the second floor to hand your radio to Mr. Cage.” I watched as Cage stalked across the dungeon-like room and snatched a radio out of the hand of a soldier.  
“What's wrong, Clarke?” he sneered, “Figured out that control room is useless to you?” I could see him smirking at his men, saying something I couldn't hear.  
“Actually,” I continued, unphased by his bravado, “Your father here has been quite helpful, so forthcoming with information.” He froze, his muscles tensing. So he cared about his father after all, despite having left him behind.  
“Let him go.” He growled. I laughed into the radio.  
“I can't do that, Cage. You see he's no longer useful to me, except... that you want him.” I let this sink in before I kept going. “I'm not unreasonable though...” I searched through the other cameras as I spoke, catching Indra as she burst free at the second floor and ran straight into two soldiers. “I'm willing to give him to you. All you have to do is free each and every one of my people, then I will leave without putting a bullet into his head.”

I glanced at the countdown; 5:09.

“Monty...” I warned. He tapped out one last string of commands and then shot to his feet.  
“Done!”  
“Good, get out of here!” He hesitated and I gave him a rough shove, “Move it! As soon as I know everyone else is getting out I'll be right behind you.” When he got to the doorway he stopped to look back at me again.  
“For what it's worth,” He said with a sad smile, “We always knew you'd come for us.” And then he was gone, sprinting to the stairs.

“...bet you don't even have him.” I heard the end of Cage's sentence as I refocused on my task. I held the radio out to the President and nodded for him to speak.  
“She's telling the truth, son.” I pulled it away before any more could be said.  
“So what will it be, Cage?” I asked nonchalantly, “My friends or your own father?”  
“You don't have it in you.” he whispered, calling my bluff.

He was half right, I didn't like killing in cold blood, when my life wasn't in danger, but that didn't mean that I wouldn't do it. I pressed the button on the radio, checked to make sure Indra was at the door to his dungeon, and laughed softly.  
“Whatever you say.” then I pulled the trigger, letting the gunshot echo through the radio and watching as Cage dropped his.

Even as he turned to the people lined up on the wall, a blank look on his face, Indra slammed through the door, knocking one soldier out with the heavy metal and slicing straight through the second ones head. But Cage raised his gun, oblivious to the commontion, straight at Jasper's head.

I watched, dread coursing through me, as he gave a smile with too much teeth, and then pulled the trigger. The bullet went right into Jasper's skull, a clean shot, and he slumped forward in his chains.

I sank to my knee's, not even able to feel relief when Indra's sword sank into Cage's heart. Beside me, the President, completely unharmed, sighed sadly. It was only seconds later that Indra was finished fighting and had started freeing everyone.

I wanted to stay where I was, to die in this mountain that had caused me to become something I hated. I was responsible for so much death and destruction. Surely my people were better off without me. The President seemed to notice this.  
Clarke,” he started softly, “Your people are safe, you should leave while you still can.” I looked at the countdown; 4:14. If I ran I could still make it out before the mountain blew, but none of his people could survive out there, they couldn't evacuate.

“Your people need you now more than ever,” he reasoned with a small smile, “You need to show them that they can overcome the horrors they have endured.”  
“Why?” I asked, completely at a loss, “Why would you encourage me to escape?”  
“I see so much of myself in you, perhaps that is why.”

With shaking arms and legs I pushed myself up, throwing the gun to the floor and making sure my blades were all in place. I cut the bindings on the President and then left without another word. I didn't know if I deserved to survive, but there was no way I could give in now. I didn't know if my people would be better off with or without me, but either way I had to make sure they were safe.

So I ran.

Even when my thighs burned. Even as tears welled in my eyes. Even as my head throbbed and buzzed, warning me that I was in danger. I ran.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've planted many 'seeds' for a sequel which will diverge a lot more from the cannon story-line, so whether you want it or not i will probably be writing a sequel.  
> Still i hope you enjoyed this story and remember that i love to read your comments :D


End file.
